Diary of a Mad Cow, Part VI: "Raging Bull"
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by courage2 
Bimini & trach if you check in on the 24 hour thread this week you're likely to see deer and if you look far enough there'll be turtles all the way down! 
Trach, Cow is at the cabin. In the woods. She may not have teh interwebz dere. I think she said she's going to be away from us for a while.
It would not do to roll the thread while she's gone, Dee. She'll want to name the new one appropriately.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Robby,
your posts here in this thread have been on my mind.
some of them took me back to about the time i started here, when you were getting ready for the amputation (i do believe you're the first person i ever responded to here in a post).
and back then, you were concerned too about opening doors, uh, no: about doors blasting open onto old stuff, anger and such from way back.
i remember, after your surgery, looking for you to address what you'd done with that, how you'd actually "handled" it, if it happened as you feared it might...but i don't think you talked about that part after your surgery.
just thinking that some of what you did/had to do to prepare for that situation, whatever helped you get through, might be helpful now, too.
whatever you did to not get screwed up there....can you draw on it now?
other than that, being either/or triumph/fail type person ...well, i tend to be that, too, and that makes everything harder for me, usually. and often, actually almost always, those are not the only ways or options.
in any case, just to say hi, and sorry you're dealing with all this ongoing.
your posts here in this thread have been on my mind.
some of them took me back to about the time i started here, when you were getting ready for the amputation (i do believe you're the first person i ever responded to here in a post).
and back then, you were concerned too about opening doors, uh, no: about doors blasting open onto old stuff, anger and such from way back.
i remember, after your surgery, looking for you to address what you'd done with that, how you'd actually "handled" it, if it happened as you feared it might...but i don't think you talked about that part after your surgery.
just thinking that some of what you did/had to do to prepare for that situation, whatever helped you get through, might be helpful now, too.
whatever you did to not get screwed up there....can you draw on it now?
other than that, being either/or triumph/fail type person ...well, i tend to be that, too, and that makes everything harder for me, usually. and often, actually almost always, those are not the only ways or options.
in any case, just to say hi, and sorry you're dealing with all this ongoing.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hey! I not control freak about my threads, Bimi! Oh, like you know me so well ... ...you not know me! ... ...okay, you total know me. Of course I has to start own new thread, writers is control freaks! Is the job. We has to consider. every. word.
I does has internet at cabin, I just trying to do some internet free time. I did put up episode of my FB show for those who need Cow humors.
So today, I take long motorcycle ride. Crash 2 time trying to get up "Hill of Death." It like my Moby Dick! I thinking of it all day yesterday and all drive up. I fill with fear of it. Cow, is you gonna try to get up Hill of Death? Was lot of bad rains! Is gonna be total wash out! You know you gonna crash! Not be stupid! You alone! Will take forest service forever to even finds you if you has bad crash. They not could even get jeep or chopper in there. Please not do it. Just let this go, okay? Okay. Good.
So, get on bike, go straight to Hill of Death. Stop, look at it. Survey it. Climb it on foot to see if is any doable path to top. Dirt is too soft, too much sand and gravel and rock and wood debris and deep ravines. No good. No way. Get back on bike. Go for it anyway. Crash. Drag bike back to bottom. Okay, new plan of attack. Go. Crash. Drag bike back down to bottom. Muscles is all shaking now and adrenaline total pumping. Okay, Cow, you done. You alive. Just ride easier road today and try again tomorrow if you must. Yes, okay. Ride back down trail little bit, then start thinking, now I gonna be total even more scare to try tomorrow! This thought consume me. Turn back toward mountain. Go again. Start to slide, but no! I gun it! I start screaming, "GET UP! GET UP! GET UP YOU MOTHERFEATHER!!!!" Which, I not care what anybody say, I think that is scientific shown to improve motorized dirtbike performance.
So I get up! I all WOOO WOOOO!!! Go Cow! I weep with conquest. I SMILE. I gaze upon MY forest. I has beaten my white whale! Then I start think, you know Cow, you gonna has to also get down that son of a bitch to get home.
Yup, crash again going down.
No serious injury. But, after fact, I really need to reflect on whether episode was neurotic willingless to put self in serious danger. Or was just THAT important to me to conquer this fear. I has exhibit this before going over deep ravine walking on dubious fallen tree, even after tree show it maybe not stable. What my game? What I try to prove to self? And also, how come I can does something that persistant, strenuous and courageous, when other much more simple thing, is take me decades to find any thing resemble fortitude.
Okay, Little Doves, I gonna meditate on this tomorrow. You input is welcome ...but only up to 500 posts!
Moo Mwah!
Also, have been very much thinking of you too, Robot
, please stay in touch. However you find to get through, I sure is gonna light way for many other, including Cow.
I does has internet at cabin, I just trying to do some internet free time. I did put up episode of my FB show for those who need Cow humors.
So today, I take long motorcycle ride. Crash 2 time trying to get up "Hill of Death." It like my Moby Dick! I thinking of it all day yesterday and all drive up. I fill with fear of it. Cow, is you gonna try to get up Hill of Death? Was lot of bad rains! Is gonna be total wash out! You know you gonna crash! Not be stupid! You alone! Will take forest service forever to even finds you if you has bad crash. They not could even get jeep or chopper in there. Please not do it. Just let this go, okay? Okay. Good.
So, get on bike, go straight to Hill of Death. Stop, look at it. Survey it. Climb it on foot to see if is any doable path to top. Dirt is too soft, too much sand and gravel and rock and wood debris and deep ravines. No good. No way. Get back on bike. Go for it anyway. Crash. Drag bike back to bottom. Okay, new plan of attack. Go. Crash. Drag bike back down to bottom. Muscles is all shaking now and adrenaline total pumping. Okay, Cow, you done. You alive. Just ride easier road today and try again tomorrow if you must. Yes, okay. Ride back down trail little bit, then start thinking, now I gonna be total even more scare to try tomorrow! This thought consume me. Turn back toward mountain. Go again. Start to slide, but no! I gun it! I start screaming, "GET UP! GET UP! GET UP YOU MOTHERFEATHER!!!!" Which, I not care what anybody say, I think that is scientific shown to improve motorized dirtbike performance.
So I get up! I all WOOO WOOOO!!! Go Cow! I weep with conquest. I SMILE. I gaze upon MY forest. I has beaten my white whale! Then I start think, you know Cow, you gonna has to also get down that son of a bitch to get home.
Yup, crash again going down. No serious injury. But, after fact, I really need to reflect on whether episode was neurotic willingless to put self in serious danger. Or was just THAT important to me to conquer this fear. I has exhibit this before going over deep ravine walking on dubious fallen tree, even after tree show it maybe not stable. What my game? What I try to prove to self? And also, how come I can does something that persistant, strenuous and courageous, when other much more simple thing, is take me decades to find any thing resemble fortitude.
Okay, Little Doves, I gonna meditate on this tomorrow. You input is welcome ...but only up to 500 posts!
Moo Mwah! Also, have been very much thinking of you too, Robot
, please stay in touch. However you find to get through, I sure is gonna light way for many other, including Cow.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Cow, whenever you get around to reading this, "...neurotic willingless to put self in serious danger" is a classic sign.
A classic sign of a person that loves living.
Why, and how, do you think Everest got clumb?
A classic sign of a person that loves living.
Why, and how, do you think Everest got clumb?
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,049
The 500 limit has fuzzy edges. But don't bother being annoyed if your thread is hijacked while you're having internet-free time, Cow, because you can't control it. SR is like that. Information wants to be free.
Enjoy the cabin and your motorcycle! It sounds like you already are -- for an anhedonic, you have a helluva lot of fun!
Enjoy the cabin and your motorcycle! It sounds like you already are -- for an anhedonic, you have a helluva lot of fun!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Bunny, motorcycle ride was not at all "fun" was more, some kind of ...mission I compel to do. Which remind me of other dangerous compulsions.
Trach, you was not around when I address climing Everest:
Trach, you was not around when I address climing Everest:
The Death Zone
When you summitting treacherous, high altitude mountain, such as Everest, is come a point where you must pass through Death Zone. In Death Zone energies is low, every step forward take enormous effort, brain feel dull and confuse, sometime you irrationally plops down and decide you just not going any further. You can easy become disoriented and slip or take bad fall. You maybe even become delusional and start thinking Death Zone is pretty comfortable place to hang out, so you takes off you coat and never even realize you is in process of dying. Reckless decisions is made in an instant that will cost you big, maybe even you life.
You has probable figure out by now, that I making other one of my brilliant, insipid and/or pretentious analogies. But truth is, Cow has been wandering about aimlessly in Death Zone for very, very long time. Is miracle I not lifeless Cowsicle. But lately, is feeling like I has been slap in the face: “Wake up Cow! Snaps out of it! You got to gets moving, NOW, or you not gonna make it!” Oh. Yes. Right. What the hell is I been doing?! I has lost my senses and just been spinning about in circles in Death Zone! Holy crap! But is no too late. I can make it out, yes? Just have to get my wits together and START MOVING. Have to put my (lack of) feelings aside and just STARTS MOVING. Have to stop intellectualizing predicaments and musing over desultory nature of willpowers and pondering on how actual mentally ill I might be and JUST STARTS MOVING.
That one of my first post here, Trach. And it really tying in here and make me think, sober or not, I no further sorted out than when I post it over year long ago. When you summitting treacherous, high altitude mountain, such as Everest, is come a point where you must pass through Death Zone. In Death Zone energies is low, every step forward take enormous effort, brain feel dull and confuse, sometime you irrationally plops down and decide you just not going any further. You can easy become disoriented and slip or take bad fall. You maybe even become delusional and start thinking Death Zone is pretty comfortable place to hang out, so you takes off you coat and never even realize you is in process of dying. Reckless decisions is made in an instant that will cost you big, maybe even you life.
You has probable figure out by now, that I making other one of my brilliant, insipid and/or pretentious analogies. But truth is, Cow has been wandering about aimlessly in Death Zone for very, very long time. Is miracle I not lifeless Cowsicle. But lately, is feeling like I has been slap in the face: “Wake up Cow! Snaps out of it! You got to gets moving, NOW, or you not gonna make it!” Oh. Yes. Right. What the hell is I been doing?! I has lost my senses and just been spinning about in circles in Death Zone! Holy crap! But is no too late. I can make it out, yes? Just have to get my wits together and START MOVING. Have to put my (lack of) feelings aside and just STARTS MOVING. Have to stop intellectualizing predicaments and musing over desultory nature of willpowers and pondering on how actual mentally ill I might be and JUST STARTS MOVING.
)Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
D, "Don't Look Back" one of my favorite documentary ever. And I not even like Dylan. But he so smart and witty and self possess at such young age in that. He slaughter those reporters! Was awesome!
...I not remember his motorbike crash though. Can you fill non-hippy in?
...I not remember his motorbike crash though. Can you fill non-hippy in?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Apparently he hit the gravel somewhere outside Woodstock or wherever he was living then in upstate NY, sometime in 1967....there were rumours he was dead or paralysed or a vegetable....
when he recovered and came back to music he'd turned away from the Like a Rolling Stone rock stuff he'd been doing and went all rootsy, and a l'il bit country as a result of that experience.
I think it makes a good campfire tale anyway....never let the facts get in the way of a good story
I liked Don't Look Back too
D
when he recovered and came back to music he'd turned away from the Like a Rolling Stone rock stuff he'd been doing and went all rootsy, and a l'il bit country as a result of that experience.
I think it makes a good campfire tale anyway....never let the facts get in the way of a good story
I liked Don't Look Back too
D
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
D, thank you for have understanding with Cow, you keen like that. I wish to ask, how is you? But it okay if you not answer.
PS. Dylan crash on pave road, so, as motocross/trials girl, is hard no to judge.
PS. Dylan crash on pave road, so, as motocross/trials girl, is hard no to judge.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Originally Posted by Cow
That one of my first post here, Trach. And it really tying in here and make me think, sober or not, I no further sorted out than when I post it over year long ago.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Originally Posted by Cow
Hello Kittens, well, let see. What I been up to lately. I had pretty high profile job, and they love script. So yay! But I not gonna lie, it total took some caffeination to get creative and writing where it need to be. So, I been working little bit, going up to cabin couple days, relapsing here and there, and crying/freaking out a lot for no apparent reasons. Such as, “OMG! I forgot to bring book I want to read to cabin, I must weep.” And, “OMG! Tire on motorcycle has leak, I must weep.” And, my favorite, “OMG!! MP3 player broken and now I force to take tragic walk in woods without tunes, I must weep.”
So yes, any time I get little run of sobriety going, brain turn into rabid weepy beast. Mood status become something I gonna call, “Manic Unhinged Bawling & Irrational Stress.” (MUBIS) Best depicted as:
The MUBIS get quite severe. Maybe dangerously severe. So, I think maybe to go off everything cold turkey is too much (or maybe that excuse.) But now I trying more gentle to titrate off.
I did come clean to couple of friend about how bad I truly has been last couple year and I give them permissions to admit me if I not making progress as plan.
And how has you been?
.
So yes, any time I get little run of sobriety going, brain turn into rabid weepy beast. Mood status become something I gonna call, “Manic Unhinged Bawling & Irrational Stress.” (MUBIS) Best depicted as:
The MUBIS get quite severe. Maybe dangerously severe. So, I think maybe to go off everything cold turkey is too much (or maybe that excuse.) But now I trying more gentle to titrate off. I did come clean to couple of friend about how bad I truly has been last couple year and I give them permissions to admit me if I not making progress as plan.
And how has you been?
.
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