Cow

Hello Kittens, well, let see. What I been up to lately. I had pretty high profile job, and they love script. So yay! But I not gonna lie, it total took some caffeination to get creative and writing where it need to be. So, I been working little bit, going up to cabin couple days, relapsing here and there, and crying/freaking out a lot for no apparent reasons. Such as, “OMG! I forgot to bring book I want to read to cabin, I must weep.” And, “OMG! Tire on motorcycle has leak, I must weep.” And, my favorite, “OMG!! MP3 player broken and now I force to take tragic walk in woods without tunes, I must weep.”

So yes, any time I get little run of sobriety going, brain turn into rabid weepy beast. Mood status become something I gonna call, “Manic Unhinged Bawling & Irrational Stress.” (MUBIS) Best depicted as: The MUBIS get quite severe. Maybe dangerously severe. So, I think maybe to go off everything cold turkey is too much (or maybe that excuse.) But now I trying more gentle to titrate off.

I did come clean to couple of friend about how bad I truly has been last couple year and I give them permissions to admit me if I not making progress as plan.

And how has you been?
.

Dee74

Fine here. Glad you're back Cow

Go get 'em, champ...

D

Dee74

Cows last thread was here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...dy-run-21.html

D

VikingGF

Good to see you back, Cow- I've been missing your posts!

Sorry for the MUBIS, but we all have to work through our sh*t in sobriety, because we sure cannot while under the influence. It's hard work, but it has to get done.

Hang in. You can do it.

Lisa.

Hevyn

It's always good to see you back here Cow.

fini

I did come clean to couple of friend about how bad I truly has been last couple year and I give them permissions to admit me if I not making progress as plan.

wow.
wow Cow.

good planning, putting in some real-life help in that way....how was that, to take that step?

been okay here with me. bit of a rut of meaninglessness. nothing new, nothing drastic.

trachemys

Is that pronounced "moobiss" or "mubees"?

You sound better, Cow. Writing, walking, weeping and working on a plan. Glad for you.

Here: job hunting, underemployed, broke, yet sober.

Cow

D call me champ, I must weep.

fini, I know about rut of meaninglessness. Not sure which is worse, MUBIS or numbness. MUBIS more dangerous, I think.

I has actual open up to people before, and even give couple people permissions to admit me and even give them therapist number and have it all plan. Sad to say, when time came, they fail me. They wuss out, or let me talk my way out, or just disappears. So, while these is different friend whom I think can trust, I not REALLY trust they gonna come through. I still pretty much think I on my own.

Trach, "moobis" or "meebes," what is you think? Thanks for encouragements. I not really think I better. I think I one step forward, one step back, one step to side, one step to other side. Hey look, I in SAME PLACE. Wait, Jesus God, isn't that the Marcarena?

FourSeasons

Hey Cow! Congratulations on your script being so well received!!!

I am on day 3 once again. This time I have also decided to stop smoking pot too. I never really gave that up before. I totally get your mood swings. For me, mine have been more like lately. I am hopeful this will pass soon. I do find Lindt Dark Chocolate Truffles removes some of my crankiness.

As always, it great to see you!

aussieblue

Been suffering the Mubis myself Cow.
Glad to see you back and posting , Cow post usually put a smile on my face.

fini

Cow,
after i'd been sober for a while (somewhere between six and twelve months, i think, but can't remember) it hit me that i hadn't cried in sobriety. not really. closed off.
struck me as very weird. and what i thought of as 'my creativity' also wasn't accessible.
whereas when drinking/drunk, i could cry quite freely, by myself at home at commercials. sure. while reading parts of "call of the wild". sure. while just obsessing about whoever i was sure was suffering. whether it be an insect or a person. and by glimpsing how ****** up i had become with the drinking-thing.

Not sure which is worse, MUBIS or numbness.

no idea. i can't compare them. when numb, i'd give a lot to feel. when feeling, it's a mixed bag. i don't wish it away, though. but then, it's nothing like the MUBIS you describe.

They wuss out, or let me talk my way out, or just disappears. So, while these is different friend whom I think can trust, I not REALLY trust they gonna come through. I still pretty much think I on my own.

i have a strange hunch that if you wanted to talk your way out of something, you'd be entirely successful pretty much every time. where would i get such an idea, i wonder....OH!
hard to know if people will come through. difficult for me, too, to trust someone to be there at crunch time. and what you're asking of your friend(s) is a lot, as it includes going against whatever you may say at crunch-time, no matter what, and making a judgment about where you're at when you yourself might/will be disputing that, and taking action then for him/her/them might look disrespectful, invasive, superior-knowing-arrogant, bound by what you'd asked and they'd agreed to but not knowing...i can see they might be very conflicted.

it's a tough thing to ask, and a tough thing to commit to doing for a friend.

even if you're not entirely sure they'll come through, i'm glad you have a friend close enough to ASK. invaluable.

hm....a lot will depend on what you'll "allow" them to see, too, no?

good to see you back here on the pasture.

Cow

I understand fini, is BIG thing to ask. But also, two of those peoples I entrust before to intervene for me was my 10 year boyfriend who had seen it ALL and we had discuss thoroughly, and my brother, who has also seen me full on hysterical alcoholic meltdown.

With my brother, yes, I talk my way out, but he WANTED me to, cuz he not really want to get hands dirty. With boyfriend, I not even trying to talk way out, I crying "Call my therapist and get me admit now cuz tomorrow I won't go!" But was middle of night and he not want to call her. Even though we had set up with her for this. LAME ASS. < yes I still bitter!

neferkamichael

Cow, thought we were gonna have to send out a search party to find ya, glad you are here, been wonderin how ya been, rootin for ya.

Cow

I forget to say, I just pass one year anniversary here. WHOLE YEAR. And to think that very first post I post in "Diary of Mad Cow, Part I" was suppose to be beginning of journal of new sober life. ...that sound you hear is Universe laughing.

Before I post this thread, I say, Jesus God, Cow, you gotta get it done this thread, cuz "Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIV - Still Freaking Sauced" just gonna be too pathetic.

4S and all those still struggling, I sorry we back in starting blocks. Let make it around the damn track this time, okay? You with me?!

FourSeasons

Absolutely Cow! I am in. Let's make a pact to simply make it through Diary Part VI starting now. I challenge you!!!

courage2

Hi Cow, I'm glad to see you posting again.

I'd love to see you with some solid sober time. My experience is that the trip into soberville is unlike any other trip I've ever taken. The world seems to have woken up, but it's just me, covered in preternatural gooseflesh. I don't know from happy, & I do believe my heart is still a stone cold thing, but there's something going on that isn't asking my permission. You've got to let yourself go.

xxoo

Cow

If you gonna challenge me, I gonna need a glove to the face or something, 4S. Just to make it dramatic.

I not on day 1 yet, cuz MUBIS became extreme and unsafe to me, so I back off and am now titrating down and should be off caffeine/booze by Sunday. Benzos will have to wait for later day, for sure. But I not abusing those. Booze/caffeine is dragon to be slain. So far, I on schedule going down my prescribe amounts... hopeful this tactic will result in less shocking MUBIS.

Snarkbunny, I think I start to feel what you describes, but it get overwhelming in dangerous way, so I pull back. Is like getting into hot tub, some can just plunge, I think I has to go hoof, leg, ass, easy now, okay, I in!

RobbyRobot

Awesome news to hear of this intelligent and informed strategy (((Cow)))

courage2

Pull back all you want, and then stop pulling back. This has surely snuck up on me. I was a year sober and could count the days on one hand that I didn't feel like crap-on-a-stick, and the best I ever felt was manic. Now it's not that I feel great but I don't freaking care anymore how I feel. Something --I don't know what -- has hijacked my attention. My precious self is gagged in the back of the van. When we get where we're going I won't recognize it. Doesn't matter.

Weird metaphor. Am I wishing you your very own chance to be kidnapped, tied up, and taken to an undisclosed location for unknown purposes? Looks like it.

xxoo

Cow

Wow, you make being kidnap, zip tie, gag and thrown into back of windowless serial killer van seem almost romantic. I intrigued. I think I has similar journey to go on as well, I just not want van to go so fast and crazy that it careen off road into ravine and Cow is kill before we get there.