Ultimatum or a boundary
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Ultimatum or a boundary
The is a new twist on my previous post.
My ex recovered gf who was allegedly in love stated half way into our relationship that I could no longer ever drink a beer again or she would leave. I don't get drunk. I prob have total of 4-6 in a week over multiple days. I go days without. Anyhow, in the beginning of our relationship she said it was ok as long as I didn't have a beer in front of her. Later she hands me an ultimatum. It seemed completely irrational to me. I asked her if I cracked a beer at my campsite 500 miles away, is that ok? Answer was no. I was so confused and upset. I totally respect her alcoholism and would never see her even if I had a beer that day. I didn't want to even have anything on my breath. However she still gave me an ultimatum. I respected her wishes for about 6 weeks but eventually rebelled. I had a few beers with friends one night over pizza. I told her, she dumped me. Her tone in her voice was as if I slept with her best friend. She wanted to marry me, but now we're done. Was she being controlling?protecting herself? If so, from what? If I thought she was being reasonable I would have happily complied. However it seemed irrational and I became rather resentful. What gives?
My ex recovered gf who was allegedly in love stated half way into our relationship that I could no longer ever drink a beer again or she would leave. I don't get drunk. I prob have total of 4-6 in a week over multiple days. I go days without. Anyhow, in the beginning of our relationship she said it was ok as long as I didn't have a beer in front of her. Later she hands me an ultimatum. It seemed completely irrational to me. I asked her if I cracked a beer at my campsite 500 miles away, is that ok? Answer was no. I was so confused and upset. I totally respect her alcoholism and would never see her even if I had a beer that day. I didn't want to even have anything on my breath. However she still gave me an ultimatum. I respected her wishes for about 6 weeks but eventually rebelled. I had a few beers with friends one night over pizza. I told her, she dumped me. Her tone in her voice was as if I slept with her best friend. She wanted to marry me, but now we're done. Was she being controlling?protecting herself? If so, from what? If I thought she was being reasonable I would have happily complied. However it seemed irrational and I became rather resentful. What gives?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by secondmanup 
Was she being controlling?protecting herself?
I can't control what other people do, what choices they make, how they think, what they think etc.
I have to accept the things I cannot change.
That said, I can change the things I can. If she felt that being with you threatened her sobriety, that is something she can change. She can break up with you. Drastic? Maybe, but I was taught from the start that my sobriety must come first, always!
If I am not sober I am no good to me or anyone else and if I should choose something over my sobriety, such as a relationship, it will be the second thing I lose.
Not sure how sober she was but it may have been a reaction of fear more than anything. Many are very afraid of relapse and rightly so. We do not want to go back to the hell we were in and sometimes that means letting go of people in our lives.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Personally I think she is way off base. My wife is a normie. She has her 3 glasses of wine a week but she has honored my request to have a dry house.
I'm the one with the problem not her and I have to learn to navigate the world of normal drinkers.
If she goes out with friends and drinks that does not threaten my sobriety. If she brings a bottle home that is a different story
I'm the one with the problem not her and I have to learn to navigate the world of normal drinkers.
If she goes out with friends and drinks that does not threaten my sobriety. If she brings a bottle home that is a different story
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's been seven weeks since she broke up with you...
What difference does it make what you call it? Ultimatum or boundary - they are essentially the same thing.
Move on. She didn't want to be with someone who drinks. Period. Like I said in your other thread she may not have realized that at first but at some point she decided it wasn't what she wanted. "Why" is never a question that gets answered satisfactorily to the one who is left behind. Maybe it wasn't even the drinking. Maybe it was something else. Does that make it easier? We don't really need a reason to break up with someone.
Find someone else who can accept you as you are.
What difference does it make what you call it? Ultimatum or boundary - they are essentially the same thing.
Move on. She didn't want to be with someone who drinks. Period. Like I said in your other thread she may not have realized that at first but at some point she decided it wasn't what she wanted. "Why" is never a question that gets answered satisfactorily to the one who is left behind. Maybe it wasn't even the drinking. Maybe it was something else. Does that make it easier? We don't really need a reason to break up with someone.
Find someone else who can accept you as you are.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I think it was controlling and crazy. I personally have no problem with people drinking (non alcoholically, I won't hang out with drunken idiots) around me but some alcoholics in recovery do which is ok. It would be a boundary: no drinking around me.
What is crazy thinking is her trying to control what you would do away from her at a campsite or at friends. It's sounds more like something a codependent would do than something a recovering alcoholic would do.
I am wondering if there are other issues with her maybe growing up in an alcoholic home or having been in an abusive relationship with a drunk.
Anyway, it was obviously not a good fit for either of you. I hope you move on and find someone nice
What is crazy thinking is her trying to control what you would do away from her at a campsite or at friends. It's sounds more like something a codependent would do than something a recovering alcoholic would do.
I am wondering if there are other issues with her maybe growing up in an alcoholic home or having been in an abusive relationship with a drunk.
Anyway, it was obviously not a good fit for either of you. I hope you move on and find someone nice
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 176
I don't want to answer for biminiblue, but I think he/she meant the general "we". People don't need rational reasons to break-up.
Anyway, I personally think it's extreme to break-up with someone if they drink, especially if they seem accommodating of my problem otherwise. But that's me and I have to respect someone's wishes if they feel that strongly about it. I agree that it sounds like fear. She might feel rigid about this issue because of what she has been through, which is understandable. In any case, it's best to move on and find someone whose lifestyle works with yours.
Anyway, I personally think it's extreme to break-up with someone if they drink, especially if they seem accommodating of my problem otherwise. But that's me and I have to respect someone's wishes if they feel that strongly about it. I agree that it sounds like fear. She might feel rigid about this issue because of what she has been through, which is understandable. In any case, it's best to move on and find someone whose lifestyle works with yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
We all change and she did! It never seems fair but that's the way it is.
If she came back and said I need your sobriety for it to work would you , was this the one for you?
The next thing is to put as much energy into talking with her as you have on here.
Personally your spin on her sounds like you don't like her that much, perhaps it's time you moved on and sighed a big sense sigh of relief.
John.
If she came back and said I need your sobriety for it to work would you , was this the one for you?
The next thing is to put as much energy into talking with her as you have on here.
Personally your spin on her sounds like you don't like her that much, perhaps it's time you moved on and sighed a big sense sigh of relief.
John.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I think she has a problem.
Firstly, your drinking did not cause her alcoholism. It has no bearing on her alcoholism and her forcing you to be a non drinker will have no effect on her alcoholism.
My family offered to not have alcohol in the house (my parents that is) and, though it was a nice thing to do I didn't take them up on it because the problem was mine not theirs. I had already given them enough grief, asking them to sacrifice yet more enjoyment from their lives seemed selfish in the extreme.
Further more, experience shows that trying to shield the alcoholic from temptation is a doomed strategy.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick (person) from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."
".....must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!"
There is something wrong here. If you wish to resume the relationship, you may have to show a lot of tolerance and patience while she goes through what may be an important growth period. Her present approach has done nothing more than add one more incident to her 9th step amends list. This is not your fault, it is just the behaviour of an alcohlic who hasn't yet quite grasped what it is to be recovered.
Firstly, your drinking did not cause her alcoholism. It has no bearing on her alcoholism and her forcing you to be a non drinker will have no effect on her alcoholism.
My family offered to not have alcohol in the house (my parents that is) and, though it was a nice thing to do I didn't take them up on it because the problem was mine not theirs. I had already given them enough grief, asking them to sacrifice yet more enjoyment from their lives seemed selfish in the extreme.
Further more, experience shows that trying to shield the alcoholic from temptation is a doomed strategy.
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick (person) from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed."
".....must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!"
There is something wrong here. If you wish to resume the relationship, you may have to show a lot of tolerance and patience while she goes through what may be an important growth period. Her present approach has done nothing more than add one more incident to her 9th step amends list. This is not your fault, it is just the behaviour of an alcohlic who hasn't yet quite grasped what it is to be recovered.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I am sorry your relationship ended.
Resentment is so hard core. It builds and destroys.
Something change within her where once it was okay for you to have a few drinks a week away from the home to never or else.
Did you ask her why her attitude changed?
My 2 cents, with her zilch approach towards your drinking and the resentment regarding her attitude.
You were in for a very rocky relationship.
Resentment is so hard core. It builds and destroys.
Something change within her where once it was okay for you to have a few drinks a week away from the home to never or else.
Did you ask her why her attitude changed?
My 2 cents, with her zilch approach towards your drinking and the resentment regarding her attitude.
You were in for a very rocky relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Spinach
We all change and she did! It never seems fair but that's the way it is.
If she came back and said I need your sobriety for it to work would you , was this the one for you?
The next thing is to put as much energy into talking with her as you have on here.
Personally your spin on her sounds like you don't like her that much, perhaps it's time you moved on and sighed a big sense sigh of relief.
John.
If she came back and said I need your sobriety for it to work would you , was this the one for you?
The next thing is to put as much energy into talking with her as you have on here.
Personally your spin on her sounds like you don't like her that much, perhaps it's time you moved on and sighed a big sense sigh of relief.
John.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by secondmanup
Some say if I loved her I'd comply. I say if she loved me she wouldn't pick that battle. Not only was the demand irrational but I wondered what would displease her next.
IMO the best you can do is give her a few months see if her boundary's change. If they don't, detach with love.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
I second everything gotalife said. I made it important to not have to be completely shielded. of course there are levels of exposure. im not playing beerpong anytime soon. ha! -jokes.
really though, if you were drinking I the manner you say, not so much of a big deal.
I do remember crazy dudes I knew in school who said they would never date a redhead, dark skinned girl, etc. those things turned them off. logical? not to me. within their rights? absolutely.
she shoulda told you before your first dinner, though.
really though, if you were drinking I the manner you say, not so much of a big deal.
I do remember crazy dudes I knew in school who said they would never date a redhead, dark skinned girl, etc. those things turned them off. logical? not to me. within their rights? absolutely.
she shoulda told you before your first dinner, though.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 639
I have been on both sides here. Except well, I'm a recovering alcoholic. At this time in my life I don't wish for people to drink around me or bring alcohol around me. But like said I don't control or wish to control other people. So I figure like if someone wants to be with me they can accept that I am glad to hang out, but don't get drunk and don't bring booze around me. I can't ask someone to not drink period which it sounds like she did with you. A little controlling but maybe that's what she has to do for herself. But I mean I've also blatantly not given a damn when ladies have asked me not to drink in the past too.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I absolutely understand someone not wanting a partner to drink around them.
Drinking on your own far away really wasn't her call, especially if she "changed rules"
from her first stance if you truly have no issues whatsoever with alcohol.
As others have said, this is a red flag for other control issues.
Whatever her reason for ending it, whether this or this as an excuse,
you are well out of it.
Maybe really put this behind you and quit thinking about what you can't control
and move forward to find someone who "fits" you better?
Drinking on your own far away really wasn't her call, especially if she "changed rules"
from her first stance if you truly have no issues whatsoever with alcohol.
As others have said, this is a red flag for other control issues.
Whatever her reason for ending it, whether this or this as an excuse,
you are well out of it.
Maybe really put this behind you and quit thinking about what you can't control
and move forward to find someone who "fits" you better?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
yea i think she was wrong. i think if you want to drink,, then drink. she is the one who has the problem of addiction. if my wife wants to drink infront of me. i honestly do not care. does not effect me.
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
What I have learned in my own relationships is whether the terms set by either party are rational or irrational is irrelevant. They are still the terms. If either party finds s/he can't live with those terms, and no compromise can be reached, there is little alternative but to part ways.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
sadly thing like this issue end relationships i have heard it said many times by ex partners they would love to have the drunk back instead of the sober person,
it is important to her that she tries to protect herself from drink i can understand it but i also understand your side of things as your a drinker and its ok for you to have your lifestyle
it takes a long time for alcholics to be comfortable around drink for example i have a bottle of wine in my fridge its been there for months now it doesnt bother me in the least
i wouldnt want a relationship with someone who was drinker though as it really wouldnt work out unless there drinking was only a once in a while thing i could cope with that quite well as my ex girlfriend was like that and it never bothered me but then she would only ever have 2 drinks as it made her feel dizzy and she didnt like that lol so it worked well
the only thing i can think of here is if you love her and she loves you then a work around might be reached but it will take time so it might be better for you and her to go sperate ways
i hope it doenst make you feel anger towards aa or that aa has taken your girlfreind away from you as i have heard it said many times about this type of issue
it is important to her that she tries to protect herself from drink i can understand it but i also understand your side of things as your a drinker and its ok for you to have your lifestyle
it takes a long time for alcholics to be comfortable around drink for example i have a bottle of wine in my fridge its been there for months now it doesnt bother me in the least
i wouldnt want a relationship with someone who was drinker though as it really wouldnt work out unless there drinking was only a once in a while thing i could cope with that quite well as my ex girlfriend was like that and it never bothered me but then she would only ever have 2 drinks as it made her feel dizzy and she didnt like that lol so it worked well
the only thing i can think of here is if you love her and she loves you then a work around might be reached but it will take time so it might be better for you and her to go sperate ways
i hope it doenst make you feel anger towards aa or that aa has taken your girlfreind away from you as i have heard it said many times about this type of issue
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