secondmanup

As a matter of fact when she first came to my house she opened my frig and found a six pack. She told me about her prob. Said, just don't drink around her. But if I'm at home or at friends no big deal. One night I was with friends, having some beers and eating pizza. She called. We chatted but she got freaked out and hung up. I think here is where the reality came in. Later in the relationship she gave the ultimatum. She was crying and doubled over just talking about it. I was really confused. However I at this point was in love and felt I needed to comply or lose her. Later as it sunk in I realized that the request, though making sense to her was absurd on my end. I really respect her condition and would never want to see her relapse, on my end the request needed to be made in reality. She was extremely fearful of relapsing. I always wondered what me drinking a few beers with my pals had to do with it. I always wondered if maybe it was temptation knowing I'm out doing the very thing that she wants to do. She was in love and wanted to be with her lover enjoying but knew that wasn't a possibility. She had stated she didn't want me out dancing with her demon. I kinda get it I think. I'm not going to get specific answers here but I'm here because I'm asking those who have suffered with A and know the effects. I won't ever see her again and that's that. I'm more or less trying to understand. I've never experienced addiction in this way so I don't get it. For my new friends out there, thank you for your thoughts. I have a new heart felt empathy for what you have gone through. I may not totally understand but I am so much more educated. My heart goes out to all of you.

I left her with an analogy. I said alcohol is like a campfire. My whole life I've reclined in my chair, roasted some marshmallows , chatted and laughed with friends around it, and even kept warm. Her experience was that as she approached the same campfire, she tripped and fell into it and was burned head to toe. Sent to the burn unit near death. Recovered but forever damaged by it. I understand that you would never want to get near another campfire for fear of tripping into it again. I however only know warming my hands and eating s'mores. We see the same thing but have infinitely different responses. I respect her fear. It's real, I get it. But because of your fear, don't take my campfire from me. I say this humbly because anyone can trip and fall in the same campfire, that is always a potential. One must walk carefully and deliberately around the campfire with that potential in mind.

huntingtontx

I agree with this. Also, I am married to a drinker, that drinks every night. If I were not married, I would never even date a drinker. I will stick with my husband because I was the deal breaker. We both drank when we married, but I would sure love it if he would quit. If you want to drink, you should, just don't be with someone that wants a non drinker. It is better to know now then after you are married. Good luck to you.

Hawkeye13

I'm dealing with the exact same thing and I agree--if I could live in an alcohol-free home I would, but right now am trying to work with the situation.

Spinach

I think that's where the big sigh of relief comes in!
I'm sorry your having problems with your relationship ending and wish you all the best. I do think you were just starting to see problems arising and her negotiation stratergy seems to indicate that perhaps in other areas in your life might have come under the same dictat.
Just because you are justified in feeling wronged doesn't make the relationship right or force her to reconsider.
John.

WMJ1012

Hello SMU
She's afraid. Afraid for her own sobriety and/or afraid you're an alcoholic.
I don't know which, maybe both.

We can only control ourselves, not other people.
For you that means making sure you're not stretching the truth about your own drinking.
It means accepting her boundary, whether "fair" or not.

I will say however that any alcoholic who works the 12 steps can go anywhere liquor is served as long as they are spiritually fit. If she hasn't done that work maybe she needs time to do that. If she has, she would be able to considerately voice her concerns about herself to you.

I'm sorry you are both at a crossroads here but have faith that things always work out as they should.
God bless and thanks for trusting us with your situation.

Nuudawn

Okay...I guess I get your analogy. And because I have an alcohol addiction it really, really bugs me. Not sure why..can't put my finger on it. Something to do with my addiction I guess.

I'm suddenly feeling overly protective of my love of campfires perhaps.

With respect to your OP, I'm with Gracie Lou and would also concur that is a mixture of both fear and control.

I can understand her desire for it not to be in the house or if you could refrain whilst with her...but 500 miles away having a beer is a bit much.

I am far to early in sobriety (and early out of relationship) to consider what I will need from my partner..

But more and more I THINK I am leaning towards a partner who either doesn't drink at all or cares so little about it (like a good friend of mine who married an addict in recovery) she gave it up all together to support him. Although I do think if she was away with some gal pals she would likely have a one glass of wine or pina colada or mimosa..she doesn't care either way really. She's pretty non plussed bout whether she does or doesn't.

secondmanup

Sometimes I think had she approached me with a different means things may have been different. For instance if she said "I'm scared when you drink. It brings up pain in me. Please for me and our love and future dump it". My heart would have melted. Instead the ultimatum caused me to go right into defense mode. Now here's the irony. I've already greatly slowed down my consumption and am beginning to lose my desire. Maybe because all that has happened and losing her. Strange but true.

Nuudawn

You sound like a good guy. And I believe what you just said there is true. But know that what you wanted from her was for her to be able to show vulnerability and trust.

Those of us battling addictions...sometimes have a real tough time with that. It's what we have to learn. And as we learn to take care of ourselves...it's a lot easier to show exactly who we are...fears and all.

secondmanup

Well that's the sad part. She immediately lost trust. I don't really understand but I guess defying her wishes and sleeping with her demon instantly turned her love for me cold. It's done. I guess I just think of who I am, how loyal, how kind, etc I am. I mean crap! I've never cheated on a girlfriend, treated like crap, etc. a couple damn beers and I became a devil. I'm not getting her back, but my poor brain just can't make sense of it. I think for her it was def fear. She was more fragile than I realized.

Bellajack4

Whether it was irrational or not, she drew a line and told you the concequences of crossing over that line. You did it because you thought it was irrational and probably thought she wouldn't go through with the consequence that she set, but she did. I will never understand the choices and actions alcoholics make but that seems to be the nature of the disease. For her, it was important for whatever reason, I think that's all that matters. She is taking care of herself and putting what she finds she can live with or not. That's just what I think.
Sorry you are going through such a hard time.

gardendiva

My husband is a normie and drinks beer and vodka at home. I have to live in the real world, and this world includes people who drink alcohol. In my opinion, that level of control is not part of a healthy recovery. If she wants a non drinker for a partner, fine. But i don't think it was fair to institute this rule mid-relationship.

Cathryn2001

I'm in the minority because, IMO, if drinking is not a big deal for you yet abstinence is so important to her, I don't see why you weren't willing to give it up completely? Unless it's just a control thing on both parts?

Your "right to drink" is clearly pretty important to you and incompatible with her needs at this time. Her desire for a sober relationship is obviously incompatible with your needs at this time. Call it an ultimatum or a boundary, but it sounds like it was for the best.

FeelingGreat

I think most alcoholics accept that they can't control whether others drink around them. I live alone, but I wouldn't want anyone to leave my favourite wine in the fridge as it would be too tempting. Having said that, I've had people here for dinner drinking, and I accept that as long as they don't leave any behind.
What anyone does (within reason) away from me is none of my business. Your GF was way too extreme, but remember long term alcoholism can damage our brains. She was trying to protect herself in an inappropriate way, but she may have had no choice in her own mind.
FWIW, I think you made the right decision, and I'm really sorry it's caused you so much heart-ache. Try not to blame her, but also understand that you had to protect your own integrity too.