BackToSquareOne

Depression and anxiety always seemed to go together for me, almost like a matching pair, when one would kick in the other was sure to follow. When I read here I see that some speak of peaches and cream, raimbows and sunshine recoveries, nothing could have been further from the truth in my case.

My recovery was a very slow slog, an uphill battle so to speak. I realized early on that I needed a lot of ways to stay centered amid all of the chaos of life. I used almost everything I could come up with. I tried spirituality, medical help, exercise, the list is endless. I found that most of those things did help to one degree or another but none were a sure fire cure.

What happens is I'll start to feel bummed out, many times for no apparent reason and the anxiety, depression and other bad feelings seem to jump right back into the mix. Now, going on 6 years of recover I still have the good days, bad days thing going on. I never reached the steady state, feel good all the time type of recovery. I kind of wonder if I'm not just a hopeless case in that regard. I thought I'd start this thread to see how others are doing with staying centered and what worked best for them. All comments are welcome.

silentrun

Where have you been? You are one of my favorite thread starters!
Depression is living in the past and anxiety is living in the future. So stay in the present moment. Easy to say but hard to do when your brain is throwing down on ya. This website The Lifting of the Veil: Archive has lots of great quotes for trying to stay centered. I read at least on each day. I guess it's my form on Cognitive therapy. Also I use the women's forum on here to get the wisdom of people just like me working things out.

Todays thought:

"The sun is perfect and you woke this morning. You have enough language in your mouth to be understood. You have a name, and someone wants to call it. Five fingers on your hand and someone wants to hold it. If we just start there, every beautiful thing that has and will ever exist is possible. If we start there, everything, for a moment, is right in the world."

BackToSquareOne

Thanks silentrun. I've been around, just not posting much lately. I think a big part of the frustration is I think I should be further along with all the work I put into it. Heck I thought I would have reached Nirvana by now!

courage2

Hi BTSQ -- I share your situation sometimes although not lately, for which reprieve from depression I'm extremely grateful, especially since I'm certain it won't be for always.

My question to you is about your goal. Nirvana? I know you were joking, but the whole idea of "I thought I'd be further along" gives me pause. Towards where? If there is nirvana, you don't get there by trying to get there.

The journey isn't about the end-- it's about the trip. Staying sober gives you a chance to appreciate some of the scenery along the way, make it last, and avoid harming your fellow passengers. What the heck else do you expect? We're all terribly lucky if we get that much.

BackToSquareOne

Well put, courage2. I think learning to roll with the flo is a job in itself. I guess at times you start to feel like a seeker that never reaches the destination. What is the destination, I honestly have no idea.

aasharon90

I also use to wonder why I wasn't
receiving all those rewards promised
us way earlier in recovery like many
already had.

I figured I was just one of those slow learners.

It wasn't until about 6 yrs ago when I
finally experienced what it truly felt like
to be free when I became completely
honest in my life.

I knew that being totally honest was
one of those important factors I needed
to address way earlier, but, in not wanting
to cause more harm than good, I had to
wait for the proper time.

Sure enough it did after many yrs.
working my recovery program, having
faith and praying about it, that I was
able to become honest which opened
a new door to a freedom I had not
experienced before in my entire life.

The gifts we receive in recovery will
transpire contingent on how well we
work and live our program.

I also have to remember that I am not
in a race. Recovery is a journey in life.
What I put into it will be exactly what
I will get out of it. It is a continuous
growing, maturing, learning, living, life
to the best of my ability. All at my own
pace.

Be kind, gentle to yourself and be sure
to give yourself permission to do so.
You deserve it...!!!

Warhawk

Anxiety triggers my depression & vice-versa. I take meds for both. People, places, thing, stinking-thinking...You have to guard yourself from the near occasion.
Not sure I would have ever become an alcoholic if I wasn't such a head case.
Praying works. Also, pampering myself sometimes...You know, hair cut and a shave at the barber shop...Working out/running really alters my mood for the better too.
Hang in there.

zjw

I can relate the gates of heaven did not open up and the angels did not sing. life still has its ups and downs. It would be boring as heck if it didnt tho. YOu need the bad to be able to appreciate the good. There is one clip in parenthood where the grandmother likens life to riding the roller coaster or the merry go round which would you rather ride?

This is another good clip too from the same movie. The father goes on to explain how there is no finish line your never done its the journey like others have said.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0t6IIdmOIOQ

I cant agree with you more tho. I feel exactly like you I'm almost 3 years sober sometimes i'm floating in the clouds happy i suppose not often tho and other times its liek UGGG more of lifes troubles. Being greatful helps but sometimes its hard to be happy you have a job when your in the middle of the trench knee deep doing it etc..

BackToSquareOne

AAsharon90, I found that being honest and seeking the truth can really be a double edged sword. You won't always like what you find when you go knocking on the doors of enlightenment. If you seek the truth by getting rid of everything that's false it often exposes things you really don't want to see. When my sword started slashing away at the ego and all the false stuff, I found that it was choping away much of who I was. The end result is much better but it can be a rough ride.

neferkamichael

BackToSquareOne, I'm going on 4 years sober and just coming out of a 2 month bout of depression, and this has happened 3 or 4 times since I've stopped using chemicals. Perhaps I was depressed before then but never recognized it and and have some anxiety problems as well. As far as staying centered, living in the present moment is not happening. I'm working on it but it is a continuous one step forward and back to go. May that's the key to serenity and if it is the old me is fighting it tooth and nail. I'm reading a book Care Of The Soul by Thomas Moore, and in a chapter about depression and anxiety he says to embraced depression and live in it instead of fighting it. How one feels when one is depressed is a choice. One of the things that the chemicals did was provide instant satisfaction at the present moment. That's probably why any of us went back time and time again no matter what the long term consequences were. I think a problem I have is "expecting" instant satisfaction in everything I do and when that doesn't happen most of the time so maybe that's where the depression comes from. htanks for the FANTASTIC thread. When you figure it out please post it immediately, rootin for ya.

Aiko

Dear BackToSquareOne,

I suffered a nasty depression,
my head was 24x7 talking and putting me down until I could not cope,
so I when to the doctors and tried all sorts of pills,
and at the end I had serotonine deficiency,
I got medication and suddenly my head stopped
If I would have not been treated I would not have lasted...
And still have anxiety but at least my head is quiet!

And a real shrink helps too, I had some in the past and they were usless...
If you can find one specialist in Addictions the better!

Hope you get better

Gottalife

Many AA recovered alcoholics would relate very much to your story Backtosquareone. It seems to be chicken and egg, cause and effect sort of thing. And it can't be easy trying to figure out which is which.

Anxiety and depression are symptoms of early recovery and untreated alcoholism, but they can also be illnesses in their own right. So, which is it for you?

In AA, I have found as we straighten out spiritually, so the mental and physical picture improves. My anxiety and depression were rooted in a thing called a spiritual malady. When I took the steps, the problem was fixed. I have what you might call a steady life today, not one of hysterical happiness, but a worthwhile life and a strong faith based in experience. My actions today are very much intuitive, rather than cognitive.

But as you say, the steps, the levelling of ego and pride, well, almost none of us liked that.

It can happen too that these illnesses are of some other cause and a medical expert is best to advise on that. As I understand it, some medication for a period followed by learning some techniques to avoid or deal with these feelings, is the general approach. Less intuitive, more cognitive, and requiring you to be on constant guard. That doesn't sound like an easy path to me. It kinda makes me grateful to be a spiritual malady alcoholic,

KateL

I have got over the worst bout of depression ever, coupled with illness, but even at my darkest time, I just kept telling myself it will pass because it does xxxxxx

Joe Nerv

I have to often remind myself to not compare my insides to other people's outsides. Took me many years of AA and using the 12 steps before I started feeling I was reaping the rewards others were from the program. Most important thing for me even to this day is to keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what, and remind myself when I'm struggling that it isn't "always like this". Which it sometimes feels. I know the things that work best for me. Sometimes they seem too simple to be true. Meetings, prayer, the 12 steps, working with others, exercise, and eating right. When I have a balance of all those things happening in my life, it's rare that I'm anxious or depressed. Take any one of them away and I start feeling it. 2, I start knowing I'm feeling it. 3 or more for any extended period of time, and I'm in trouble.

Mental I'm learning has parallels to physical health. If my diet consists of pizza, tacos, pasta and ice cream... If I lay on the couch all day, don't exercise, don't act in ways to remain healthy physically, I will get sick. I will wind up overweight, with high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, or a host of other things pretty much everyone else in my family has. Things I'm told are congenital, but I don't have... they all developed their ailments when they were younger than me, too. They're all on lots of various medications. But I'm getting off the point.

Same holds true for me for mental health. If I don't practice certain things to remain mentally healthy I will have anxiety, panic, depression, and a host of other things. I had all those other things when I didn't have healthy mental habits in place. I was suicidal. I was labeled with lots of mental illnesses too. Depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and a host of others. In sobriety. I still have a message on a cassette tape (for those of us old enough to remember answering machines) where a psychiatrist called and left a message labeling me somewhat bipolar. He was far more crazy than me.

Anyhow... I hate writing early in the morning cuz I always have to cut my thoughts short, and leave them unedited as I must leave for work. Being on time is one of the little healthy mental habits I've formed over time. Showing up when I'm supposed to helps me feel good about myself. Being late adds to anxiety and depression. Have lots of new things I'm learning regarding little things like that too, but argh... gotta go.

Hang in there, it get's different. And it gets better. It's not always great.

Johnston

Hitting 50 yo this year and in my case anxiety has generally declined over the years. I can't pinpoint any one reason, but in general I think it has to do with aging and gaining perspective.

BackToSquareOne

Thanks everyone for the responses. I know what everyone says is true but my mind seems to have a gap between knowing what's true and putting those things into practice. It's like I have an override mechanism in the control panel of my brain. It will kick in and insert its litany of irrational thoughts into my mind, almost like a child that wants to go outside and play, mine always wants to insert it's nonsense, it wants to play in the thought games of the mind.

I've always had a worrier type of personality, as soon as I solve one problem my mind will find a new thing to worry about. If none exist it will create its own. It's like my mind always needs to play the role of problem solver and as such it needs a constant supply of problems to keep it occupied. You can know your worries, anxieties and depression are only creations of the mind but at times the mind still wants to go there and do its thing.

I know instinctively that anxiety and depression along with all the other worry thoughts are altered states of consciousness, not rational in any way. I often wonder why knowing that just does not always seem to be enough. Therein lies the gap between knowing and doing.

Cow

One Square, I a severe anhedonic with depression, mania and melancholia. Pretty much whole life. Was long time that drugs was workin' for me, but we all know how that end. But now, even in times of sobriety, I actual feel WORSE! What?! Crap! No fair! And yes, is hard to read how for others things eventual become bubbles and cakes while you still feeling like roadkill, waiting for you better times to arrive.

For Cow, I has to accept that I was treating organic mental/mood disorders with addiction to begin with, and that sobriety not gonna magic cure these disorders. I does think though, that getting clear and giving brain time to heal from many year of poisons and then try to build brain/mind/mood health is only thing we can do, yes?

Arbor

Who knows?! My mind is constantly changing. Life constantly changes. Its so hard some days. The big picture may never come. Have to accept that and try to be well. All I can do is try.

I respect your posts greatly backtosquareone

BackToSquareOne

Cow, I have read a lot your posts, I'm a member of the "Cow Fan Club". I love how you can inject a touch of humor amid the craziness of depression. It's truly inspirational and thank you for that!

karate

Not 50 yet , but gaining perspective is great .

Knowing what we need to worry about ,and what to dismiss as foolishness .

I find very little worthy of worry these days .

If I can fix it ,move toword a solution ,If its not going to be something I can move forward on , forget it .