pixy

I relapsed after 5 years sobriety, and I am coming up to 1 year sober again but am really struggling.

Just wondering if others could share their experience. I have found it much harder second time around, and know that if I fail again I will be well and truly screwed.

MemphisBlues

You're not alone. I'm approaching my fourth sober anniversary and run into people with double-digit sober years who went out and made it back.

The important thing is that they made it back. Yes, many of them say it was much harder the second time around, but you've got a huge milestone accomplished in chalking up nearly a year of new sober time.

I know it's a struggle, and I'm sure I can't really relate to the increased struggle those who had significant time, relapsed, and were able to make it back must face.

I've seen people come to AA meetings who talk of having 15 years, even 20 plus years who relapsed. They all say that they were just treading water in sobriety and not actively working a solid program of recovery.

Listen, I would best be described as a dry drunk on many days, a hot mess on others, but I just get back to a real basic principle that I'm one drink away from erasing any progress I have made.

That said, I haven't been to a meeting in months, and this from a guy who hit multiple meetings a day in my first year of recovery.

We all struggle. We are alcoholics, and from those who had a lot of sober time and went back out usually share the same story: They grew complacent, they thought they had this thing licked, and the one overwhelming grace they share is that they were very lucky to have made it back.

So I hope you latch on to one incredibly powerful point and that is that you did make it back. Many don't.

karate

I made at least 5 years , then had 2-4 terrible years .

Then 6 -9 good months .

Slipped up , but caught it .

Quit again ,slipped up . Stopped again .

For me the slips are much worse, I base that on experence and knowledge
The mental part , is the kicker . I think " what this foolishness again -NO"

I'm more dissapointed in my self , but the consumption
Never gets very bad , before I throw on the brakes

veryready

No magic to share with you, but I did have 7 years. Yes, harder time second time around and I too feel like I will be truly screwed if I don't make this stick. I have 18 months. Not easy but this has to be it for me as well. Hang in there.

We had a party the other day and my wife asked me to buy the beer. I did it, and standing in front of the beer cooler I honestly could feel the tingling in the back of my throat. Even after 18 months I was surprised. Probably won't ever be 100% easy, but no choice. Be well.

BarbieKen

Do you go to AA meetings? There is always a share available, with kind folks too.

Lenina

I can also attest to it being much harder to come back. I've three years at a time. longest I had was eleven years. I have six and a half years now. it just shows how crazy this disease syndrome is!

Best move is to not pick up again, I think.

love from Lenina

pixy

Thank you for your responses. I know I am lucky to have made it back, as I have not met anyone yet who has relapsed after 5 years in AA, and it makes me feel even more like I failed. Someways the counting of sobriety makes it worse, as to have lost so much time seemed terrible, and whilst the slip started off as only 1 sip that I spat out, I was so upset when people told me I had lost the 5 years that I thought, well I might just as well go for it.
I struggled today. Husband is away on business and the small voice in my head always point this out as an opportunity. I wanted to pick up the phone to an AA friend, but feel like I have become needy, and I don't want to be that person. I lost my sponsor when I picked up, and whilst she has been kind and assured me I can always ring her, I feel uncomfortable doing that too often. I got a new sponsor just after my father died a few months back and she said to wait to do the steps due the the loss. I texted her 10 days ago (when I was really in pain) and said could we meet up and talk about starting the steps, and she responded saying she was going away on holiday and that we could meet up when she gets back. Great, I texted, wished her a good holiday and asked her to contact me on her return. I have no idea how long she is away for, or whether she will text me. I had a massive resentment to this today, when I feel that being an alcoholic and living with this crap inside myself is just too much. I hear people in the rooms saying that they never think of having a drink. Not my experience, I wake up and think, ****, yes still an alcoholic, that's never going to change.
Sorry, negative post, but I feel better for having typed it.

Lenina

Pixy, you haven't lost the time, youve just reset the clock. I'm sure you learned a lot in those five years that you can refine and bulk up on now.

the important thing is you're back. you're working on your sobriety again. it might make you feel better to do an amends to your former sponsor if you feel you let herr down or put her in a bad spot. Don't dwell on this, OK? Move forward. We are with you!

love from Lenina

Raider

Five years!!!!! WOW!!! So you slipped, you jumped right back up. Good on you!!!

MIRecovery

To me the problem is you don't have a sponsor, you are not working the steps, and you are not reaching out. How many meetings are you going to?

Remember, "Half measures availed us nothing. " I wouldn't wait get a sponsor and start working the steps

grubby

I'm curious, how much were you drinking when you relapsed? How long did the relapse last (days, weeks, months)??

I wish you luck on attempt #2

Gottalife

Hi Pixy,
I'm so glad you made it back, many don't, and I am certain I wouldn't.

It seems clear you want to get going on the steps. Perhaps you know, as I discovered, that we take the steps to recover, not the other way around.

Just at the moment you have a window of opportunity and willingness and your sponsor is holding you back. No one knows how long the window will stay open, so waiting doesnt seem to be a safe choice. Perhaps you could find, quickly, a temporary sponsor to get you started on the steps.

Sometimes it is possible to look at our previous steps work to try and see where we slipped up. The book talks about perservering witha all the program, except for one little bit, and wondering why we fell. Maybe a secret we kept, maybe an amends we refused to make, maybe a defect of character we refused to give up. Perhaps there is an answer in there somewhere. Perhaps its not the entire program you missed, but just one important part.

The other common reason for long term sober slips seem to be a refusal to work with others. No 12 step activity, no sponsoring.

It is very clear that sobriety is something we must give away if we want to keep it.

Get IN to AA Pixy, you n ow have even more experience that can help others.

EndGameNYC

I drank for three years after twenty five years without a drink. The first half of that time I was very active in my recovery, both in AA and psychotherapy, built a very nice life for myself, and never imagined I'd drink again. The second half was nothing but abstinence. Everything important to me slipped...my honesty, sense of integrity, relationships with others, my work habits and my history of never settling for less. It was years before I picked up the first drink and, in retrospect, it seems that my drinking was inevitable.

It was so difficult getting sober the second time around. I had no intention of getting sober, and intended to die an active alcoholic...the sooner the better. Only my inability to take care of basic human needs brought me to detox, followed by a 28-day rehab. I had intense, daily cravings for about the first year, and went to meetings every day and also participated in outpatient treatment. Not because I planned on getting sober, but because I had nothing better to do, and because I believed that doing so would help me get back on my feet so that I could resume my drinking. My relapse left me jobless, homeless and penniless. I had no place else to go, and I had destroyed both trust and good will from everyone I knew.

After a few months of that, I noticed I was becoming increasingly miserable. I decided to again do the work in AA -- learning and practicing the AA Big Book Twelve Steps from a sponsor, and things started to change very slowly. I hated meeting with him, and I'd already decided that the Steps wouldn't "work" for me this time. But I stuck with it, often reminding myself that getting sober sucks, but that if I at least continued going through the motions, things had to get better.

I'll have three years "back" in August, and I'm living a life I couldn't have imagined when I dragged myself into detox; a life that I no longer need to run away from. I worked very hard to get where I am, and my sobriety is that much more precious for my having done so. I've gotten back to working in my field, have responsible and caring relationships, and dragged myself out of financial ruin. Peace of mind and an active enthusiasm for living life are now my default settings.

You and everyone else on SR can do the same. Trying to describe what the process has been like for me is like trying to describe what chocolate tastes like to someone who's never had it. I don't know what your recovery plan is, or if you even have one...but if you're like me, then you need as much help as you can stand. My early days in sobriety now seem like a distant memory that were lived by another person. But without them, I wouldn't be where I am today.

pixy

My relapse was not grand. My first proper drink, I bought a bottle of wine and drank it in some public toilets. Didn't have quite the location, atmosphere, and comfort that I always imagined I would have if I went back. I drank for 4 months. During that time I went to see an addiction counsellor who suggested that if I was to drink, that I did it openly. He gave my marriage 6 months. Husband could not cope with me ordering an alcoholic drink at a bar, so I just went back to hiding the booze. My mental health went down the toilet as I couldn't go forward, but couldn't really go back to full on drinking. The inside of my head was literally screaming. That is how I feel today. Needing an anesthetic to take myself away.
I have always struggled within AA. Asking for help, sharing, making friends. What seems to come so naturally to others, I find so hard.
EndGame, thank you so much. You have given me hope. Huge respect on turning things around. Very valuable advice from everyone else. I need to kick myself into action.

yeahgr8

It's been very clear to me that the big mistake ones who relapse after some years of sobriety make when coming back is that they think that because they were sober for some years that this counts for something when they try and get sober again.

Time and again I have heard from the ones who actually come back and stay sober is that the only thing they learned second time around that what they did to stay sober first time around did not work. They had to do things completely differently second time around to have a chance at long term sobriety.

To come back into sobriety thinking that it is fine because I had x number of years sobriety before so I will just do that again is as insane as the newcomer thinking all he has to do to achieve long term sobriety is to join a gym and get a new hobby.

Some of the return to sobriety stories I have heard are very awe inspiring, and few and far between.

IOAA2

During my first 2 years of hard struggle in the program I never want to repeat that period so I'm scared of a relapse. I'm grateful that the last 35 years has had no desire to drink and I know I'm closer to my next drink than my last one. That two year period was full of what I didn't like about step 2. I didn't see my insanity and Probably wouldn't see it if I picked up. I still attend 3-5 meetings a week to hear what I need and help me remember what it was like as opposed to Romanizing alcohol.

BE WELL

tomsteve

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.


wheres yer HP?

EndGameNYC

You raise, for me, what are some very interesting points, yeahgr8.

When I finally put down the drink following my relapse (which was very much against my own intentions), several people who were charged with my treatment and some people in AA seemed invested in convincing me that my prior experience would help me get sober the second time around. That, in fact, I possessed a decided advantage when compared to other people struggling to get sober. Nothing could be further from the truth. They were projecting their own wishes around what things would be like were they to relapse, which had nothing to do with my reality.

There was no silver lining to my relapse; I learned nothing of any importance, and certainly nothing that gave me an advantage in terms of achieving sobriety again. When people engaged me with this kind of thinking, I generally didn't respond at all, sometimes shaking my head in agreement that belied my inner reality, just to get them to stop talking. My immediate, internal response was that these people have no idea what they're talking about.

It was as though I'd ascended from a bomb shelter following a nuclear blast. I was battered, and walking barefoot among shards of glass, broken and twisted metal and leveled concrete. The world, for me, was barren, dark and dingy. I was breathing in toxic air, and the only thing I looked forward to was puking up the poison that had taken the place of my lifeblood. It was by far the most painful and the most difficult part of my life. I wasn't only living without hope for every minute of every day...my heart and soul had shut down, and I regarded any small glimmer of hope as my enemy.

I'm aware that these experiences are different from person to person, but I cannot convey in words, nor do I ever wish to replicate in deeds, my experience of being among the walking dead.

readerbaby71

Your five years of sobriety is not lost. I don't believe in discounting that just because you had a relapse. You're coming up on a year. That is a HUGE accomplishment. Be proud of yourself. I understand how hard it is to reach out, as I have a hard time with feeling like I'm being needy. You need the support of people who understand right now, and they won't see you as needy, they'll see you as someone they WANT to help.

I know it's tough. Hang in there. xo

karate

You had a lot of time ,Does a sick day at work erase all you seniority ?

I don't think so .