LBrain

I was different since I could reason.
When I was very young I received a conestoga wagon kit and a battery operated car for xmas one year. You had all the pieces of wood to put together the wagon with glue,tiny little nails and canvas with hoops etc. I took the battery operated motor out of the car and built a battery operated wooden sports wagon - I remember having to use a rubber band to wrap around the wagon wheel to get traction for the drive. Then I painted it fluorescent orange and blue. My mom was pi$$ed. I never looked back. Had to be different always.

Then my first drink of boone's farm behind the armory at 14 or so. $1 bought a fine feeling. And of course the stumbling that went along with it. I was hooked! But somehow managed to survive the 40 years of it.

GracieLou

I always felt different. Way before I drank I felt I was always to sensitive. It seemed like every one else could let things go and nothing bothered them or if it did they got over it fast. I was still upset and crying days later. It felt like nobody understood and I was labeled a cry baby.

I was taught not to tell, not to share and not to bring it up again. Nothing was to be talked about outside the house so I bottle it all up.

Booze helped me not care, to be tough and let things role off, at least while I was drinking anyway.

I am still sensitive and it shows but I am not very good at sharing it yet. I always think that someone it going to think it is stupid or silly like when I was a kid. I have found that not to be the case but I still have that wall up.

sugarbear1

around the age of 3. Then life kept happening.....

Aellyce

I don't remember when I first thought of myself as or felt "different" - pretty much as far as I can remember back to childhood. I also relate to a lot of the above posts (introversion, escape, eccentric lifestyle, etc). I developed a way of very dual kind of thinking and living with a pretty sharp split between "the life of the mind" (or exaggerated identification with my mind and intellectual curiosity) and "a life of adventure" (all sorts of eccentric explorations in physical reality) very early, as a kid. I did not only feel different, but was also proud of being this way and consciously detached myself from others that looked more conventional through my perception. I had long socially isolated periods even in my adolescence when my "best friends" were authors whose writings suggested a similar world view and way of being - those of you who are familiar with the work of eg. Herman Hesse or Albert Camus (just to mention two specifics) will understand what I mean... Then other periods when the "friends" were psychedelic drugs...

In terms of "escapes", I've always been interested in pondering the nature of reality, and of course consequently has always had a strong interest in altered states of reality and consciousness... probably no need to get into detailed explanations to these on here.

I think I started to realize this all was just a perception in my head, projections... several years ago (~6) during a period of intense existential crisis... long story. The practical turning point from that period was that it changed my mind pretty massively about how I view "different" or "similar", and totally changed my motivation relative to the rest of society. That idea of being, or more precisely, wanting to be an outsider got turned around completely in my head. Now I actually think we, as human beings (not subclasses like addicts, but humans as a collective), have more similarities than differences - and my biological studies have confirmed that. Of course that does not disqualify the importance of individuality and the fact that everyone has plenty of unique features, either. It's a combination, but individuality does not imply isolation. We can impose that on ourselves. Anyhow, so during that time my big motivational change was that I wanted to really fit in, ready to make compromises for it, and find meaningful connections with others.

Unfortunately it took that extra ~6 years to give up the alcohol that isolated me more than anything, ever. I did not want the isolation anymore, but it had become part of an addiction, so hard to break even with a desire for the opposite.

So one feature that I really enjoy in this new found sobriety now is mixing with others, paying much more attention to others, feeling the interconnectedness and how my stubborn perception of "independence" was an illusion.

youbetcha

I think I'm different in the way I drank and used, but I've always been pretty good at anything I've wanted to do. I feel like in general I'm a winner and a positive person. I have waded through alot of shame in my recovery though. Some of it was mine, and some of it I was carrying for other people from being around alot of alcoholism and chaous growing up. I see my issues with my own alcoholism and my issues with my past around other people's alcoholism as 2 different things. Both my responsibility to work on. I don't really like to focus on the "different" thing, I don't think it's helpful, at least for me.

Stang

The morning after I hit a curb, ****** up my front end, changed the tire with the police right inside the store, then went to the next store and got more beer. That's whenI realized I was an alcoholic. That was one of many "just add alcohol get instant stupidity" episodes over the years. I knew I was different at least 30 years ago with regards to drinking. I was a scrawny lil **** but could out drink people twice my size.

Deckard

For a long time I had things backwards.

I thought I was the same as others in terms of my relationship to alcohol, and different from others in terms of so much else (I was smarter, stronger, etc.)

Any evidence to the contrary was ignored or minimized.

Getting honest meant flipping the equation: different in response to alcohol, the same in virtually every other way that matters.

1newcreation

Don't honestly rem coz haven't thot about it but would guess maybe mid 20's. would hear stories on previous nights happenings & wouldn't recall. Wasnt havin blackout but others did stupid stuff long after had passed out & was clueless. Little did I know that would be me later on

Jeni26

Thanks guys...I guess what really interests me are those people who can remember always wanting to use something to change the way they felt, right from their earliest childhood.

For me it was escapism through books, and dangerous play activities. I even remember accidentally breaking a glass window when I was very young and using some of the glass to cut myself to see what it felt like...

I was always an alcoholic in the making I reckon...long before I ever picked up that first drink.

nigey1

I always escaped into reading.

The 1st time I drank alcohol was to blackout.

I also remember as a kid loving the smell of petrol and trying to breath it in at the station.

ClearLight

Always.
For being an alchy? about 7 years ago.
Yup - always been different.
This song is dedicated to all those "different" folks out there. Because different doesn't mean "less than".

GracieLou

I used books too. I also had an unhealthy attachment to stuffed animals. Most girls liked dolls but my room was full of stuffed animals. All kinds and sizes. I wanted a dog so bad it hurt. I wanted to be like the kid in TV that had the dog to talk to and to lick their face when they cried or were hurt.

My dad would not allow a "real" dog. We did get a toy poodle when I was twelve that pretty much became my parents kid they never had together.

You can't romp in the woods being a tom boy with a toy poodle...lol

So I talked to my stuffed animals, they were my friends. Damn, I just busted out crying thinking about what a lonely kid I was. F*CK! I wanted a dog!

On the other hand....I have had at least one dog and on occasion several dogs since I moved out of my parents home in 1988 and not one of them kept me from drinking.

My current dog has, on more than one occasion, been my saving Grace though.

Dan1888

As you say, it started as a teenager. I was not great socially so drinking seemed to turn me into a friendly, outgoing guy...this resulted in women being attracted to me, which is the be all and end all when you're a teenager. I also seemed to enjoy drinking more than everyone else, I lived for the weekend when I could drink.

Of course it spiraled out of control. I started drinking till I fell over and became a binge drinking alcoholic.

malcolmsloan

I distinctly remember taking my first drink and feeling the buzz kick in. I remember thinking that I wanted to be drunk forever. I was 12. I started keeping track of how many times I drank, scratching hash marks in my dresser. I thought that as long as I keep track of my drinking nights, I would not become alcoholic. Again, this was at age 12. Pretty sad.

LadyBlue0527

Now that I'm sober it's clear to see that even in the days where I could stop at 3, 4, or 5 that I still drank differently than other people.

I always drank with a need even if I didn't know what that need was. Then, when it truly became a problem I learned how to invent excuses so that I could continue.

It's amazing the excuses I found. What a huge waste of time putting off living. Very thankful to be here today.

Ryno03272009

I realized I was different at a early age and early into my drinking days. Unfortunately, when I realized this I was only a recently turned teenager so The word "different" just meant "maturer" to most others around me which only helper to build my alcohol problem.

I am a only child and have no family members close to my age. Growing up my youngest cousin was 10years older than me and so I learned to "act" like an adult. But I could only act like an adult for so long and when I was around people my age I couldn't identify with them. I had to be with "friends" older than me and doing older kid stuff (drinking) I was different in that way at first.

Ultimately I became "different" when I began to drink because i wanted to drink to be like the older kids who I believed I identified with. But when everyone else in highschool got to the age and culture of partying... I was already tired of highschool parties and instead was drinking with college friends. When I got to college I had already been drinking with college kids since I was 16 so I began to frequent bars/pubs instead. By the time I turned 21 I had no interest in loud bars so I began drinking at home.

You might say I went through what many people do in a lifetime of drinking in only 10years.

Junegirl

I'm pretty good at denial so I didn't realize I was different til the day I decided to find information about alcoholism and found SR. I had spent most of the previous night sneaking beers from my closet cause my mom was visiting me. The signs had been there for a long time but I didn't want to see them. Looking back, it's amazing that I didn't see my "difference" for such a long time. I'm glad I finally did.

June

needtostopthis

I relate so much to these posts. Thank you for posting it. I always felt different. Even at 5 years old I was not like all the other kids. But I do believe a lot of it had to do with my mom being a binge drinker and being so mean when she drank. I worried a lot when I was a kid. It was supposed to be a time of fun and wonderment, no worries, but for me I always had some kind of anxiety. Alcohol took away that anxious feeling, so when I discovered it I love it. I was also a loner and shy shy shy! Even today I feel weird a lot of the time. I am hoping getting out of this alcohol cloud will help that feeling but who knows.

matt4x4

I thought something was up at about the tenth time in the drunk tank.