When did you first realise you were 'different'?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
When did you first realise you were 'different'?
I thought me becoming an alcoholic happened to me in my 30s....that was when I started needing to drink, began to have blackouts, behaved really inappropriately with men not my husband, began sustaining injuries requiring hospital treatment, started hurting people I cared about....
But then I thought back to my 20s...before I had the responsibilities of marriage and kids...I didn't drink every night, but when I did, I was completely reckless, I had no boundaries as regards my behaviour. I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care about what happened to anyone else either. I hadn't learned how to love...it was having my kids that taught me that, but it wasn't enough to stop me drinking. I experimented with drugs too..nothing too heavy but just enough to change the way I felt.
Then I thought back even earlier...my teens...introverted and shy. I only occasionally drank, but when I did it was enough to get myself throwing up drunk. I was really ant-smoking...I didn't start that until my 20s when an ex-boyfriend told me not to...I will do what I like I thought! But then....I still needed to use 'something'...ANYTHING to change the way I felt...so it was food...I deliberately starved myself to the point that I was almost hospitalised. I craved that control..the way that my brain was fuzzy and slow through not having enough nutrients to function. That became a drug in itself.
And younger still...I stole food, I hid it, I read books and blotted out the world. I escaped from reality in whatever way I could...and I always have done.
So now...this is the first time ever I'm experiencing life as it really is...that is quite an eye-opener for me. I've always hidden from something somehow, right from the start.
Are we all the same? Have we always felt different from those around us?
But then I thought back to my 20s...before I had the responsibilities of marriage and kids...I didn't drink every night, but when I did, I was completely reckless, I had no boundaries as regards my behaviour. I didn't care what happened to me. I didn't care about what happened to anyone else either. I hadn't learned how to love...it was having my kids that taught me that, but it wasn't enough to stop me drinking. I experimented with drugs too..nothing too heavy but just enough to change the way I felt.
Then I thought back even earlier...my teens...introverted and shy. I only occasionally drank, but when I did it was enough to get myself throwing up drunk. I was really ant-smoking...I didn't start that until my 20s when an ex-boyfriend told me not to...I will do what I like I thought! But then....I still needed to use 'something'...ANYTHING to change the way I felt...so it was food...I deliberately starved myself to the point that I was almost hospitalised. I craved that control..the way that my brain was fuzzy and slow through not having enough nutrients to function. That became a drug in itself.
And younger still...I stole food, I hid it, I read books and blotted out the world. I escaped from reality in whatever way I could...and I always have done.
So now...this is the first time ever I'm experiencing life as it really is...that is quite an eye-opener for me. I've always hidden from something somehow, right from the start.
Are we all the same? Have we always felt different from those around us?
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Location: Norfolk, VA
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I didn't realize it then, but looking back, I was different at a very young age, wanting to "feel" something. Something different. Something better. As you called it, escape.
Drinking and drugging at 18. Stealing my mom's pills at 13. Huffing glue at 10.
But even further back, I remember playing with my sisters, some game where we spun ourselves around to get dizzy. While my sisters would reach the point of enough-is-enough and stop, I'd get dizzy enough to fall on the ground and feel sick. And I'd always get back up and want to do it again.
Drinking and drugging at 18. Stealing my mom's pills at 13. Huffing glue at 10.
But even further back, I remember playing with my sisters, some game where we spun ourselves around to get dizzy. While my sisters would reach the point of enough-is-enough and stop, I'd get dizzy enough to fall on the ground and feel sick. And I'd always get back up and want to do it again.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Carl...you talking about that spinning game reminded me of hanging upside down from a climbing frame by my knees to get a head rush...I would do it until I passed out. I must have only been about 5 years old! Jeez!!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I relate to what both of you write. I always needed to escape. Whether through books, imagination, drugs, alcohol, sports. I developed in chaos, raised by my parents who are really still children themselves. I was raped by two teenage boys at 6 and that sort of broke me.
My addictions have always been a means to an end. But none have been sustainable so I would jump from one to the other. I feel like my journey has been to figure things out. I sort of feel the same way with sobriety and recovery.
I enjoyed, no loved acid at 16. I loved drinking to excess, drinking games and funneling alcohol in my teens. Combining pot with booze. Pills came in my 20s, as well as cigarettes and lots of drinking. I was now into hard liquor and shots. I used to go to one bar with my best friend and ask if he would sell us the bottle, he said no so we then did shots of Southern Comfort with SoCo on the rocks as the chaser until the bottle was gone - we thought this was cool and made us look like real men.
My 30s were mixed up. I would go on maintenance plans of drinking with benders mixed in. I made lots of money and was able to develop other hobbies away from booze and drugs. Unfortunately in the end those hobbies got crowded by my addictions - I was only really lucid for a few hours during each day.
three years ago I fell into love with cocaine and that was it. I saw where that train was heading but I could not stop it. I had a moment of clarity and grabbed the life raft with every ounce of my being - that was last August.
I think I realized I was different at 6 and again at 39 last August.
My addictions have always been a means to an end. But none have been sustainable so I would jump from one to the other. I feel like my journey has been to figure things out. I sort of feel the same way with sobriety and recovery.
I enjoyed, no loved acid at 16. I loved drinking to excess, drinking games and funneling alcohol in my teens. Combining pot with booze. Pills came in my 20s, as well as cigarettes and lots of drinking. I was now into hard liquor and shots. I used to go to one bar with my best friend and ask if he would sell us the bottle, he said no so we then did shots of Southern Comfort with SoCo on the rocks as the chaser until the bottle was gone - we thought this was cool and made us look like real men.
My 30s were mixed up. I would go on maintenance plans of drinking with benders mixed in. I made lots of money and was able to develop other hobbies away from booze and drugs. Unfortunately in the end those hobbies got crowded by my addictions - I was only really lucid for a few hours during each day.
three years ago I fell into love with cocaine and that was it. I saw where that train was heading but I could not stop it. I had a moment of clarity and grabbed the life raft with every ounce of my being - that was last August.
I think I realized I was different at 6 and again at 39 last August.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 42
For me it was the other way around. I was the least-worst of my group, and I used this to justify my own not-as-bad, but still excessive consumption.
In a normal, or more normal group of people, I would have perhaps picked up on it earlier ... or never got into it at all.
In a normal, or more normal group of people, I would have perhaps picked up on it earlier ... or never got into it at all.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by jdooner 
I relate to what both of you write. I always needed to escape. Whether through books, imagination, drugs, alcohol, sports. I developed in chaos, raised by my parents who are really still children themselves. I was raped by two teenage boys at 6 and that sort of broke me.
My addictions have always been a means to an end. But none have been sustainable so I would jump from one to the other. I feel like my journey has been to figure things out. I sort of feel the same way with sobriety and recovery.
I enjoyed, no loved acid at 16. I loved drinking to excess, drinking games and funneling alcohol in my teens. Combining pot with booze. Pills came in my 20s, as well as cigarettes and lots of drinking. I was now into hard liquor and shots. I used to go to one bar with my best friend and ask if he would sell us the bottle, he said no so we then did shots of Southern Comfort with SoCo on the rocks as the chaser until the bottle was gone - we thought this was cool and made us look like real men.
My 30s were mixed up. I would go on maintenance plans of drinking with benders mixed in. I made lots of money and was able to develop other hobbies away from booze and drugs. Unfortunately in the end those hobbies got crowded by my addictions - I was only really lucid for a few hours during each day.
three years ago I fell into love with cocaine and that was it. I saw where that train was heading but I could not stop it. I had a moment of clarity and grabbed the life raft with every ounce of my being - that was last August.
I think I realized I was different at 6 and again at 39 last August.
My addictions have always been a means to an end. But none have been sustainable so I would jump from one to the other. I feel like my journey has been to figure things out. I sort of feel the same way with sobriety and recovery.
I enjoyed, no loved acid at 16. I loved drinking to excess, drinking games and funneling alcohol in my teens. Combining pot with booze. Pills came in my 20s, as well as cigarettes and lots of drinking. I was now into hard liquor and shots. I used to go to one bar with my best friend and ask if he would sell us the bottle, he said no so we then did shots of Southern Comfort with SoCo on the rocks as the chaser until the bottle was gone - we thought this was cool and made us look like real men.
My 30s were mixed up. I would go on maintenance plans of drinking with benders mixed in. I made lots of money and was able to develop other hobbies away from booze and drugs. Unfortunately in the end those hobbies got crowded by my addictions - I was only really lucid for a few hours during each day.
three years ago I fell into love with cocaine and that was it. I saw where that train was heading but I could not stop it. I had a moment of clarity and grabbed the life raft with every ounce of my being - that was last August.
I think I realized I was different at 6 and again at 39 last August.
It was pot at 14, booze at 15, pills at 17, and cocaine at 20.
After all that ended at say 23, I dropped the drugs but kept my 'high' from the booze, but then the booze itself escalated and became a kind of needless emotional crutch.
Thankfully, I now realise that organising my life around alcohol is literally insane. I got off the drugs without much bother at all. And 6 weeks off the booze, it feels just the same. Making me wonder why the hell I did this to myself for years.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Like many of you, I was also somewhat shy as a young adult. But I also had a very mischievous side which I could never quite control. I always took risky behavior one step too far, but never did anything that would get me in serious trouble.
I managed to keep that under control until I started drinking and drugging at 18. I put alcohol on a pedestal and gave all credit to booze and drugs for opening the cage. I was free. I was no longer afraid to take risks and I let my mischievous side take total control. All of the "stop signs" disappeared. Desire held all power over reason.
As one grows older, the risks you take become bigger and the stakes become higher. Suffice it to say, I finally had to pay the consequences after taking it several steps too far. I'd been walking on thin ice for a long time and it was time to pay the piper. Like a ski jumper who keeps trying to fly higher, or a driver trying to speed faster, the only result is a hard landing and very damaging crash.
Because I lived a fairly extreme life before my crash, I often struggle - not so much with "not drinking", but with the rest of it. Going for full Sainthood is not an option, yet trying to find a "happy medium" is also a bit dangerous because it opens the door. I am not sure I trust myself to behave properly just yet, so I proceed with caution and pay a great deal of attention to my recovery.
I managed to keep that under control until I started drinking and drugging at 18. I put alcohol on a pedestal and gave all credit to booze and drugs for opening the cage. I was free. I was no longer afraid to take risks and I let my mischievous side take total control. All of the "stop signs" disappeared. Desire held all power over reason.
As one grows older, the risks you take become bigger and the stakes become higher. Suffice it to say, I finally had to pay the consequences after taking it several steps too far. I'd been walking on thin ice for a long time and it was time to pay the piper. Like a ski jumper who keeps trying to fly higher, or a driver trying to speed faster, the only result is a hard landing and very damaging crash.
Because I lived a fairly extreme life before my crash, I often struggle - not so much with "not drinking", but with the rest of it. Going for full Sainthood is not an option, yet trying to find a "happy medium" is also a bit dangerous because it opens the door. I am not sure I trust myself to behave properly just yet, so I proceed with caution and pay a great deal of attention to my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: IL
Posts: 313
Well...I've always been "different" in terms of being labeled a "nerd" and was very shy. I like creative things, books, and studying and always have, which didn't make me very popular as a kid. Now, I LOVE those things about myself.
But regarding addiction, sadly, it took me awhile to realize that I was different in terms of my consumption being a problem. I come from a family of addicts and alcoholics, so my propensity towards using never seemed odd to me...until I made more friends in high school and realized that an entire family of drinkers, pot smokers, and other drug users was not normal. Then I was super embarassed about it.
Nonetheless, I remember being 14 and huffing glue before bed every night. Started smoking pot on a daily basis at 16. Wasn't too big of a drinker until college, and started drinking (and kept smoking) heavily about four years ago until I finally quit last month.
Even though I knew my smoking marijuana was on a different level, I defended it with the fact that everyone in my family did it...if I wasn't the only one, it was okay, right? PFFFT.
It wasn't until VERY RECENTLY that I realized just how dangerous of an addiction marijuana is.
As for my drinking, I have years of traumatic experience of alcoholism from my father, who still is an active alcoholic. He never abused me or my brother, but I've had to witness him coming home wasted my entire life, bad-mouthing my mother my entire life, lose job, lose his drivers license, injure himself and go to the hospital for alcohol-related illnesses, etc. So when I got into my own bad drinking habits, that DEFINITELY scared me. I went from buying a bottle of wine and having it last an entire week, to finishing a bottle in one sitting and not even using a glass, just chugging it right out of the bottle...to drinking a bottle of wine and then taking shots afterwards....doing this a few times a week, then almost every single day. If I got too hammered and didn't finish whatever was in my bottle or glass, I would set it next to my bed and finish it off when I woke up. I quit my job about four months ago, telling myself it was to find a better job (I had just gotten my degree)...here I sit, still unemployed.
I realized that my drinking was a problem when I voluntarily became unemployed....but didn't do anything about it until my husband checked himself into a rehab facility for his own drinking. Seeing him make positive changes and how much healthier he looked when he got out really made the difference for me. It's been almost a month, and although we both understand that it really is just one day at a time, the difference between today and a month ago is so vast.
Waking up without a hangover is amazing. Not obsessing over the next high or drink is like a million pounds off my shoulders. Paying our bills on time feels like the biggest relief in the world. Not worrying about my husband driving drunk is beyond words. We were, are, and will always be different because of our respective alcoholism and addictions...but recognizing that and doing something about it has changed our entire world for the better.
But regarding addiction, sadly, it took me awhile to realize that I was different in terms of my consumption being a problem. I come from a family of addicts and alcoholics, so my propensity towards using never seemed odd to me...until I made more friends in high school and realized that an entire family of drinkers, pot smokers, and other drug users was not normal. Then I was super embarassed about it.
Nonetheless, I remember being 14 and huffing glue before bed every night. Started smoking pot on a daily basis at 16. Wasn't too big of a drinker until college, and started drinking (and kept smoking) heavily about four years ago until I finally quit last month.
Even though I knew my smoking marijuana was on a different level, I defended it with the fact that everyone in my family did it...if I wasn't the only one, it was okay, right? PFFFT.
It wasn't until VERY RECENTLY that I realized just how dangerous of an addiction marijuana is.
As for my drinking, I have years of traumatic experience of alcoholism from my father, who still is an active alcoholic. He never abused me or my brother, but I've had to witness him coming home wasted my entire life, bad-mouthing my mother my entire life, lose job, lose his drivers license, injure himself and go to the hospital for alcohol-related illnesses, etc. So when I got into my own bad drinking habits, that DEFINITELY scared me. I went from buying a bottle of wine and having it last an entire week, to finishing a bottle in one sitting and not even using a glass, just chugging it right out of the bottle...to drinking a bottle of wine and then taking shots afterwards....doing this a few times a week, then almost every single day. If I got too hammered and didn't finish whatever was in my bottle or glass, I would set it next to my bed and finish it off when I woke up. I quit my job about four months ago, telling myself it was to find a better job (I had just gotten my degree)...here I sit, still unemployed.
I realized that my drinking was a problem when I voluntarily became unemployed....but didn't do anything about it until my husband checked himself into a rehab facility for his own drinking. Seeing him make positive changes and how much healthier he looked when he got out really made the difference for me. It's been almost a month, and although we both understand that it really is just one day at a time, the difference between today and a month ago is so vast.
Waking up without a hangover is amazing. Not obsessing over the next high or drink is like a million pounds off my shoulders. Paying our bills on time feels like the biggest relief in the world. Not worrying about my husband driving drunk is beyond words. We were, are, and will always be different because of our respective alcoholism and addictions...but recognizing that and doing something about it has changed our entire world for the better.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 70
When I was rudely awakened to the fact that when I stopped drinking for a day I started detoxing for a week.
As far as "different" as a person, I never gave it much thought. I quit smoking pot and partying when I wanted. Drank when I wanted. I was addicted to nicotine and working out (I can't explain THAT combination).
When I decided to lay around drinking all day I didn't think about such things, or I'd have figured out I was laying around drinking.
As far as "different" as a person, I never gave it much thought. I quit smoking pot and partying when I wanted. Drank when I wanted. I was addicted to nicotine and working out (I can't explain THAT combination).
When I decided to lay around drinking all day I didn't think about such things, or I'd have figured out I was laying around drinking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Bout 6 or 7 years of age.
The only alcoholics who think they weren't different at a young age are ones that haven't got a clue about themselves or who they are! I love their stories before understanding about these happy go lucky teens who just for no reason start drinking huge amounts of liquor in an attempt to fix their already content selves...hmmmm ok;-)
Then you dig a little deeper and find a total raving loony barely managing to function emotionally who comes across this magical potion that allows them to feel just as they should have felt had they had their own way years ago. I love it, it's brilliant working with newcomers:-)
The only alcoholics who think they weren't different at a young age are ones that haven't got a clue about themselves or who they are! I love their stories before understanding about these happy go lucky teens who just for no reason start drinking huge amounts of liquor in an attempt to fix their already content selves...hmmmm ok;-)
Then you dig a little deeper and find a total raving loony barely managing to function emotionally who comes across this magical potion that allows them to feel just as they should have felt had they had their own way years ago. I love it, it's brilliant working with newcomers:-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I like others, it was a very young age, a
little brown headed, brown eyed little
child that couldn't understand why her
mom would drink, get mean, abusive
to me, Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde, a time bomb
waiting to explode at any given moment.
Destructive and yet, a lovely, elegant,
women/Cosmetician who was admired
at her job, a clientele of customs were
turned to her for advice and yet, vented
her anger or demons towards me.
Sent me to school looking different. She
made me become different from all those
other kids I went to school with till I grad.
from HS. She made me fearful. She made
me look ugly. Out of that ugliness and
fear, I learned bad habits to escape. To
lie, steal, cheat, survive.
I first drunk was when I was about 16
I guess. Then drank never knowing I
was truly addicted till I entered rehab
at the age of 30.
Im different alright and I accept it and
Im grateful to be a member and in the
fellowship of others in recovery same
as I. Never do I ever have to feel alone,
unloved, any different when im in the
company of AWSEOME Folks ...!!!
little brown headed, brown eyed little
child that couldn't understand why her
mom would drink, get mean, abusive
to me, Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde, a time bomb
waiting to explode at any given moment.
Destructive and yet, a lovely, elegant,
women/Cosmetician who was admired
at her job, a clientele of customs were
turned to her for advice and yet, vented
her anger or demons towards me.
Sent me to school looking different. She
made me become different from all those
other kids I went to school with till I grad.
from HS. She made me fearful. She made
me look ugly. Out of that ugliness and
fear, I learned bad habits to escape. To
lie, steal, cheat, survive.
I first drunk was when I was about 16
I guess. Then drank never knowing I
was truly addicted till I entered rehab
at the age of 30.
Im different alright and I accept it and
Im grateful to be a member and in the
fellowship of others in recovery same
as I. Never do I ever have to feel alone,
unloved, any different when im in the
company of AWSEOME Folks ...!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by GreenEggsAndHam
At age 7 when the abuse was the worst and I wondered why I was bad and unloveable.
It was equally interesting to me to see how for most of my life I subconsciously put myself into situations to continue the abusive cycle - relationships etc. I have achieved much in my life but the decision to get sober and recover I will take to my grave as what I am most proud. This is because I am finally living life vs reacting to circumstances out of my control.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 11
Since day 1. My first time drinking I stripped down to my bra and panties and almost jumped into the East River. Of course I don't remember this because I was blacked out but was shown video and pictures of it the next day. This was 10 years ago. I never drank normally nor did I have any desire to. I drank to get drunk and when I got drunk I did things none of my nonalcoholic friends would do, even if they drank the same amount as I did.
One time I had 4 beers while my friends had rounds and rounds of shots in addition to beer. However, I was the only one who ran down the bowling lane (it was at a bowling alley), fell down, and was too drunk to pick myself up. Alcohol does something different to me and it has since my first sip.
One time I had 4 beers while my friends had rounds and rounds of shots in addition to beer. However, I was the only one who ran down the bowling lane (it was at a bowling alley), fell down, and was too drunk to pick myself up. Alcohol does something different to me and it has since my first sip.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Originally Posted by jdooner
I used to wonder why I "let" things happen to me when I was young. Thing is recovery has taught me no child can control abuse. It took me a while to forgive myself and stop the self harm I was inflicting almost 30 years actually. It is an important part of recovery to know that you did not have the problems, the people or person abusing you did. In fact, you should be so proud GE&H because you are breaking one of the most despicable cycles by getting sober and recovering. Otherwise this awfulness just gets passed down through generations, in my opinion.
It was equally interesting to me to see how for most of my life I subconsciously put myself into situations to continue the abusive cycle - relationships etc. I have achieved much in my life but the decision to get sober and recover I will take to my grave as what I am most proud. This is because I am finally living life vs reacting to circumstances out of my control.
It was equally interesting to me to see how for most of my life I subconsciously put myself into situations to continue the abusive cycle - relationships etc. I have achieved much in my life but the decision to get sober and recover I will take to my grave as what I am most proud. This is because I am finally living life vs reacting to circumstances out of my control.
I can relate totally. Thankyou jdooner
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Looking back, I drank alcoholically from my late teens. I was never a blackout drinker or a messy drunk, but i drank to get drunk. I didn't realize it until my late 30s/early 40s. And I didn't take action until just a couple years ago. Even then it took me many attempts to get things on track permanently.
I don't hate myself for being that way though, It happened and I"m sure much of who I am now was shaped by that. And it happened - there's nothing I can do to change it. I can change how I act today and how I teach my kids to live life though. And I can try and help here on SR or in other recovery communities.
I don't hate myself for being that way though, It happened and I"m sure much of who I am now was shaped by that. And it happened - there's nothing I can do to change it. I can change how I act today and how I teach my kids to live life though. And I can try and help here on SR or in other recovery communities.
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