How to stop drinking when significant other has no intention of quitting
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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How to stop drinking when significant other has no intention of quitting
Hello everyone, I found this board today and would like a little advice or opinions. I started drinking when I was 17 and have been a binge-drinker for the most part in the past 13 years. I'll go for 4 or 5 days without drinking, but when I do drink again, I'll drink a lot in one night. Nothing specific happened to me to make me want to stop drinking, but I'm getting tired of it. I'm sick of hangovers. I'm sick of doing stupid things when I'm drunk and being embarrassed about it the next day. I don't want alcohol around my children growing up (I don't get drunk around them, I drink after they are asleep for the night but I don't want them to think drinking is a normal or good thing to do). It was really easy to just stop drinking both times when I was pregnant! I just stopped right when I found out both times.
The hardest part of this is that my boyfriend of 5 years has absolutely no intention of quitting drinking. He has a long terrible history with drinking including several DUI's and jail time. He was required to take AA but treated it as a joke.
Last week, I told him that I felt we were drinking too much and that we should cut down. He agreed. Then literally a day later, he comes home with an armload of booze. Every time I see him drink, then I want to drink too because he is an annoying drunk! First he starts off with hugs and is grabby, then later on he gets really angry for no reason. He has never hurt any of us but it is scary at times.
I am hoping that if I just stop drinking altogether that he will eventually realize how much he drinks and cut down. I'm not going to nag him to stop drinking entirely because if anything in his past hasn't made him stop drinking, then nothing will. I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who are in this type of situation.
The hardest part of this is that my boyfriend of 5 years has absolutely no intention of quitting drinking. He has a long terrible history with drinking including several DUI's and jail time. He was required to take AA but treated it as a joke.
Last week, I told him that I felt we were drinking too much and that we should cut down. He agreed. Then literally a day later, he comes home with an armload of booze. Every time I see him drink, then I want to drink too because he is an annoying drunk! First he starts off with hugs and is grabby, then later on he gets really angry for no reason. He has never hurt any of us but it is scary at times.
I am hoping that if I just stop drinking altogether that he will eventually realize how much he drinks and cut down. I'm not going to nag him to stop drinking entirely because if anything in his past hasn't made him stop drinking, then nothing will. I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who are in this type of situation.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
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Originally Posted by SpeedBump84 
Hello everyone, I found this board today and would like a little advice or opinions. I started drinking when I was 17 and have been a binge-drinker for the most part in the past 13 years. I'll go for 4 or 5 days without drinking, but when I do drink again, I'll drink a lot in one night. Nothing specific happened to me to make me want to stop drinking, but I'm getting tired of it. I'm sick of hangovers. I'm sick of doing stupid things when I'm drunk and being embarrassed about it the next day. I don't want alcohol around my children growing up (I don't get drunk around them, I drink after they are asleep for the night but I don't want them to think drinking is a normal or good thing to do). It was really easy to just stop drinking both times when I was pregnant! I just stopped right when I found out both times.
The hardest part of this is that my boyfriend of 5 years has absolutely no intention of quitting drinking. He has a long terrible history with drinking including several DUI's and jail time. He was required to take AA but treated it as a joke.
Last week, I told him that I felt we were drinking too much and that we should cut down. He agreed. Then literally a day later, he comes home with an armload of booze. Every time I see him drink, then I want to drink too because he is an annoying drunk! First he starts off with hugs and is grabby, then later on he gets really angry for no reason. He has never hurt any of us but it is scary at times.
I am hoping that if I just stop drinking altogether that he will eventually realize how much he drinks and cut down. I'm not going to nag him to stop drinking entirely because if anything in his past hasn't made him stop drinking, then nothing will. I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who are in this type of situation.
The hardest part of this is that my boyfriend of 5 years has absolutely no intention of quitting drinking. He has a long terrible history with drinking including several DUI's and jail time. He was required to take AA but treated it as a joke.
Last week, I told him that I felt we were drinking too much and that we should cut down. He agreed. Then literally a day later, he comes home with an armload of booze. Every time I see him drink, then I want to drink too because he is an annoying drunk! First he starts off with hugs and is grabby, then later on he gets really angry for no reason. He has never hurt any of us but it is scary at times.
I am hoping that if I just stop drinking altogether that he will eventually realize how much he drinks and cut down. I'm not going to nag him to stop drinking entirely because if anything in his past hasn't made him stop drinking, then nothing will. I'd appreciate any advice, especially from people who are in this type of situation.
Hi,
Many thanks for your post, I think much like all of us we had to choose when "we" wanted to stop drinking, being told or asked to just makes some people pull harder in the other direction,I'm not saying your boyfriend is doing this it's just my opinion that it can happen. It would be a whole lot easier if he quit too or at least drinks elsewhere while you are going through this stage, as in my opinion alcohol being in your home only makes it tougher, those thing seem to have tentacles and suck you inn.
Keep it up and good luck.
Stuart.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Welcome to Sober Recovery.
You can't make your recovery contingent on your boyfriend getting sober, although that would be ideal. You can get sober on your own, without his support. Difficult, but possible.
But you will probably have a different perspective on your relationship when you achieve sobriety.
Originally Posted by SpeedBump84
The hardest part of this is that my boyfriend of 5 years has absolutely no intention of quitting drinking.
But you will probably have a different perspective on your relationship when you achieve sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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Just cuz we stop boozing it up, doesnt mean other people have to, or want to change, or do anything at all different then what they were doing before, whatever it may be.
Such is life. Time to learn to deal with it.
Such is life. Time to learn to deal with it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,231
My advice would be to seperate your drinking problem from his drinking problem. And concern yourself with yours and getting yourself sober. THat is enough trouble for you as is without having to concern yourself with his on top of it. If and when he comes around and sobers up great otherwise you cant just keep going along for the ride simply because he drinks. "because he drinks" is not a good enough reason to keep up your own problem habit etc.. I'm not trying to be mean I do realize its hard but you cant allow it to be an excuse to drink either.
I've had to seperate things like that. I have my drinking problem its mine to solve. other people are going to do all kinds of things that will make me want to drink but at the end of the day thats my problem not theres. I cant expect them to just adjust there behaivior however i see fit cause I have a problem. I cant expect every bar in town to shut down becuase I have a drinking problem. You see the pattern? You cant expect everyone else to do wtvr it is.
Now granted he should be supportive and granted you may indeed find you'd prefer it that he not drink in order so that you can remain sober. If that happens it happens. But dont get too worked up over it.
I've had to seperate things like that. I have my drinking problem its mine to solve. other people are going to do all kinds of things that will make me want to drink but at the end of the day thats my problem not theres. I cant expect them to just adjust there behaivior however i see fit cause I have a problem. I cant expect every bar in town to shut down becuase I have a drinking problem. You see the pattern? You cant expect everyone else to do wtvr it is.
Now granted he should be supportive and granted you may indeed find you'd prefer it that he not drink in order so that you can remain sober. If that happens it happens. But dont get too worked up over it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I quit almost nine months ago. My husband who I love with all my heart gets drunk every night. It is good one of us is sober. I just ignore what he does. He has no desire to quit. Sometimes when he is drunk he says stupid things, but I am sober and can ignore it. He won't remember in the morning. I am loving being sober, am around booze everyday, and I don't want it. At first it was a little hard, because I felt like it was unfair because he could and I could not, but now, I am just glad to be out of its grip. Good luck, and remember, it is all about YOU!!!! It is not about him.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,231
Huntingtontx your right. It can seem very unfair at first. I had to adopt the mindset of just like a diabetic cant shovel in piles of sugar neither can i dump in piles of booze. If its working out for some folks hey great for them it just doesnt work out that way for me.
Some people are prone to weight gain and have to watch what they eat etc.. other people can eat wtvr theyw aint and not gain an ounce. I can complain about how unfair this is all day but in the end in my case its up to me to watch what i eat / drink because I'm the one with these problems.
And no worries everyones got there fair share of problems. so while it may seem unfair these other folks have there won struggles too. Sometimes I make things seem easy to other people if they only new my struggle! haha.
One example is I once spoke to a women who told me she had great cholesterol levels not a problem at all ever after I mentioned I had had issues. I said man your lucky. She said nope I just got cancer!. She has since passed away but i'll never forget those words.
Everyones got there lot in life. Just got to accept ours and work with it.
Some people are prone to weight gain and have to watch what they eat etc.. other people can eat wtvr theyw aint and not gain an ounce. I can complain about how unfair this is all day but in the end in my case its up to me to watch what i eat / drink because I'm the one with these problems.
And no worries everyones got there fair share of problems. so while it may seem unfair these other folks have there won struggles too. Sometimes I make things seem easy to other people if they only new my struggle! haha.
One example is I once spoke to a women who told me she had great cholesterol levels not a problem at all ever after I mentioned I had had issues. I said man your lucky. She said nope I just got cancer!. She has since passed away but i'll never forget those words.
Everyones got there lot in life. Just got to accept ours and work with it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
I made up my mind never to drink again. I quit after years of abusing alcohol. My husband was my drinking buddy. I am a very strong willed woman and I wanted to be sober and I did not want to lose my buddy. I did it the stupid way. I just quit. After a few days I came here. The support here is beyond great. I guess you could say I did it like everyone else, one day at a time.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
My husband still drinks but not to excess and is not intolerable to be around. That would be the part that would bother me most. I'd ask him to please stop, cut back (not get to the point of obnoxious or volatile), or I'd have to think about other living arrangements. I'd support him as much as possible if he desired to cut back or quit. That is just me.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
When I first quit, my live-in bf was still drinking heavily. I stayed focused on what I wanted and why. I came here a lot to get support.
Seeing him drinking actually reminded me of what I didn't want. He still drinks around me on occasion and sometimes it is a little hard to handle, but I focus on the positive things that have come with not drinking.
Seeing him drinking actually reminded me of what I didn't want. He still drinks around me on occasion and sometimes it is a little hard to handle, but I focus on the positive things that have come with not drinking.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
It can be done but it is not easy for most people. When I decided to quit again after a relapse my husband was in the midst of a flat out really ugly drinking spree that had been getting worse for months. I just couldn't take the chaos and pain anymore and stopped. It was very tempting at times to pick it up again but seeing him so wholly out of control just made me want to hold onto my new sobriety even harder.
We were not drinking buddies. We just both drank. Me at home. He would disappear for the night. We separated for about six weeks after Christmas and he sobered up and is back home. The one thing is that he doesn't treat AA as a joke and is working to stay sober. He has done so before and is doing it again.
One thing that I have seen and to keep in mind is that people who drink and are alcoholics feel threatened when their drinking buddy or partner gets sober. My husband certainly tried to sabotage my earlier efforts by bringing home beer or asking me to get it for him. Probably because if I stopped then he would have to really look at what he was doing. Surround yourself with support while you are so new. And even when you are not so new. I go to AA meetings and have made friends in the program who I contact regularly. I came on here a lot. Still do read here a lot and post. It can be done. Good suggestions from a lot of people here. Hang in there.
We were not drinking buddies. We just both drank. Me at home. He would disappear for the night. We separated for about six weeks after Christmas and he sobered up and is back home. The one thing is that he doesn't treat AA as a joke and is working to stay sober. He has done so before and is doing it again.
One thing that I have seen and to keep in mind is that people who drink and are alcoholics feel threatened when their drinking buddy or partner gets sober. My husband certainly tried to sabotage my earlier efforts by bringing home beer or asking me to get it for him. Probably because if I stopped then he would have to really look at what he was doing. Surround yourself with support while you are so new. And even when you are not so new. I go to AA meetings and have made friends in the program who I contact regularly. I came on here a lot. Still do read here a lot and post. It can be done. Good suggestions from a lot of people here. Hang in there.
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Location: Australia
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Hi speed bump 
It'd be great if our loved ones supported us by not drinking - sadly for a lot of members here thats just not the case.
The answer is finding sober support I think - have people to call, or post here, when things get rough - I'm glad you've joined us - you'll find a lot of support here
D
It'd be great if our loved ones supported us by not drinking - sadly for a lot of members here thats just not the case.
The answer is finding sober support I think - have people to call, or post here, when things get rough - I'm glad you've joined us - you'll find a lot of support here
D
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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How to stop drinking when significant other has no intention of quitting?
Hmmmmm, you dont drink. If ya dont drink ya dont get drunk!!!! Its actually quite simple, but it entails some hard and heavy truths about ourselves. All I know, is alcohol and drinking is but a symptom. If all you want to do is put down the bottle and not change anything else, I feel sorry. There is so much upside, and potential to live a great, happy, joyful and serene life then to just pin all your hopes on just not drinking, white knuckling it for the rest of time. But if that is all you want, then thats all you want. I guess in my confusion of being a newcomer, thats all I wanted. However over time as I dug deeper into the program, and looked at my hidden springs in my brain, The promises came true for me in AA. The more good things that came around, the more I was hooked on giving up my will, ego, self-centeredness and helping others. Trying to find a God of my own understanding. Its a freeing feeling.
Hmmmmm, you dont drink. If ya dont drink ya dont get drunk!!!! Its actually quite simple, but it entails some hard and heavy truths about ourselves. All I know, is alcohol and drinking is but a symptom. If all you want to do is put down the bottle and not change anything else, I feel sorry. There is so much upside, and potential to live a great, happy, joyful and serene life then to just pin all your hopes on just not drinking, white knuckling it for the rest of time. But if that is all you want, then thats all you want. I guess in my confusion of being a newcomer, thats all I wanted. However over time as I dug deeper into the program, and looked at my hidden springs in my brain, The promises came true for me in AA. The more good things that came around, the more I was hooked on giving up my will, ego, self-centeredness and helping others. Trying to find a God of my own understanding. Its a freeing feeling.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 8
I can totally relate to how you describe your drinking and wanting to just quit one day. I too would go for days and even weeks sometimes with little to no alcohol consumption. Even when I drink there is no guarantee I'm going to go too far or endanger myself since I've been known to have dinner drinks and be just fine, no cravings to keep going, no uncontrollable urge to continue.
But none of that means I don't have a drinking problem. As a matter of fact, I recognize now that dismissing the idea I might have a problem was a bad idea because it kept me repeating a behavior that was likened to Russian Roulette in my life, because if I even gave myself the slightest permission to indulge, say for a friend's birthday, or if i had a DD then I would be rolling the dice with my life.
I applaud you for realizing that a few days per week of being good doesn't make up for the times you fall down. As for your mate, my heart breaks for you. I have a supportive non-drinker wife and she has never liked my partying. I'm not suggesting you ditch him at all, but there is no way I could do this without the support of somebody so close to me. What a great opportunity this would be for you both to get sober and really let your love for each other go wild. Imagine the "intimacy" you'll experience when you're both clean and home every night of the week, and you have this newfound appreciation for each other.
Best of luck to you Speed Bump:-)
But none of that means I don't have a drinking problem. As a matter of fact, I recognize now that dismissing the idea I might have a problem was a bad idea because it kept me repeating a behavior that was likened to Russian Roulette in my life, because if I even gave myself the slightest permission to indulge, say for a friend's birthday, or if i had a DD then I would be rolling the dice with my life.
I applaud you for realizing that a few days per week of being good doesn't make up for the times you fall down. As for your mate, my heart breaks for you. I have a supportive non-drinker wife and she has never liked my partying. I'm not suggesting you ditch him at all, but there is no way I could do this without the support of somebody so close to me. What a great opportunity this would be for you both to get sober and really let your love for each other go wild. Imagine the "intimacy" you'll experience when you're both clean and home every night of the week, and you have this newfound appreciation for each other.
Best of luck to you Speed Bump:-)
Last edited by soberShane; 04-03-2014 at 04:43 AM. Reason: typo
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Location: New England
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It's definitely not the easiest thing to deal with when a significant other still drinks. My wife still chooses to drink but fortunately she drinks responsibly. Two beers or a couple glasses of wine here and there. It doesn't bother her or me at this time. My biggest hurdle is that EVERYONE I know and love drinks! My entire family. Some in excess but most drink responsibly. What am I to do? Give up on everyone I love? Nope. I have to deal with it and learn with it. So far I'm doing well and actually love being the person that doesn't need it anymore.
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