SoberLeigh

The important thing is that you know yourself and your triggers; that is all part of this journey we are on. Sometimes, it is lonely and I feel for you. You have a brave and good decision.

Very well done.

GroundhogDay

I would bet that a lot of those people aren't as well-adjusted as they appear.

grubby

I can relate to the "left out" feeling, it's spring and already i am getting invitations to Bbq's and other events coming up in June and July.

It sucks that it has to be this way due to how alcohol interacts with the brain, but it is what it is.

I really wish some scientist somewhere would invent some sort of "alcohol mimicer" that is affordable and is safe for use in large doses, something that has no potential for addiction or these "withdrawals"....... but i guess it's just a pipe-dream at the moment.

On a similar note, there still is no scientist to have saved us from cancer or dependence on oil companies..... what a bummer.

alphaomega

You know what you need to do tonight ? Go to The Goodman and see Venus in Fur. It's FANTASTIC. It will totally take your mind off of all of this. The script is phenomenal, the acting is off the charts, and there's a gorgeous young actress who spends the entire play in a dominatrix outfit...

That should work wonders for your restless soul.

I saw it last night, and it has haunted me all day.

Wow.

PS - the box tickets are only 25.00. Sightlines are a bit wonky, but you acclimate.

Levitz

Order and read Mark Tuschels, Being sober sucks , but being drunk sucks more.
Great read.

bigsombrero

Sounds cool alpha! Alas, but I do have to be online with the group for this pesky fantasy baseball draft (which is agonizing in its own right) and thus I'll be stuck in this "session" with them until that is finished. To recap: the 11 of them will be drinking and enjoying themselves together down the street, and I will be participating in the event online here in my PJ's. Ugh!

Good grief, maybe I'll work on my match.com profile or something, being single and sober sucks - especially when all my buddies are having a "guys night" and I can't even participate in that.

I'm taking a trip out West in 2 weeks to explore a new city for relocation, perhaps I'll also plan a bit of my trip during the downtime. I sure could use a "release" for all this anxiety soon though! I need some fun too!

EndGameNYC

Sadly, shame is part of the deal we make when we cross that oft-spoken but seldom-seen "invisible line." We can't wish it away, nor can we banish it to a place in our being where it will remain still by virtue of an executive order. It's what we become and the things we do when we're drinking that bring us down; some of which may be repaired, but none of which can be undone. Observing others, people we know and love, celebrate life in an apparently care-free manner stimulates our shame...and longing. It's a weigh station on our path to a better life, a life in which outward appearance more closely resembles inner reality, where we experience fear as a challenge, rather than as a defeat, where our emotions bring us to a place of strength, rather than leave us in despair.

This is why so many people cannot get and then stay sober in isolation, on their own, without regular support, despite their fierce and rigid insistence that doing so on their own is the only way for them. My life has demonstrated to me time and again that it's our relationships that heal. Too many people discover this much too late in life. Or never at all.

Being happy in the traditional sense is about taking...fulfilling needs, desires, wants, fantasies...cravings, if you will. Adolescence progresses towards adulthood for a reason. Though we're often taught differently by our culture and by observing societal norms, basic need-fulfillment is never -- can never be -- enough. Living a meaningful life is more about a giving attitude. To the extent that we help others, we enrich our own lives without conditions or limits. To the extent that we search endlessly to fulfill our wants and desires, well, we spend our lives searching endlessly.

Married people fantasize about being single, and single people fantasize about being married. Or at least coupled. Parents fantasize about not having the responsibilities and sacrifices that come with raising children, and people without children fantasize about the wonder of being parents. And people who come to realize that they have to stop drinking in order to live but can't imagine a life without the drink fantasize about being able to stop and remain more or less sane at the same time; while people who've stopped in order to better, or actually save, their lives fantasize about drinking.

Perspective generally comes slowly in sobriety, but not at all without it.

Dee74

Big S I don't really have anything to add except that I'd take a friend of your calibre over a dozen others who need to drink to have fun.

The thing I really like about my life now is it's authentic.

I built it up around me- it's custom made for me. It fits.

I have all I need. It's just the wants now....

If there's anything in your life that doesn't fit, take it out and look at it...see what you might be able to do with it.

If there's something else you need - you got the power to make that happen, brother.

D

tornrealization

You've managed to pinpoint what I've been thinking when it comes to the drink. I would be jealous of sober people when drinking, and jealous of drinkers when sober. I like the other analogies that makes it sound less crazy.

Bigsombrero - you made an excellent decision and I have to say I'm proud of you. It may feel like torture now but in the morning, when you wake up sober hopefully you'll feel a lot better about your decision.

Leshar

Aww, Bigsombrero, don't be sad. In my opinion, you are far from weak. You're doing the best thing for yourself.
I get the lonely thing, but hey, sometimes it's not a bad thing to be able to just be with yourself, be content in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing, comfy in your jammies, no less!
Wishing you well.

queenofheartz09

I wouldn't be able to go either, way to much temptation! Hopefully you can get together another time when you guys won't be at a bar.

bigsombrero

The morning after update:

Well, I stayed home last night. My friends said they absolutely understood. But deep down, I think everyone knows that if I'm not going to show up for our group fun times on these special days, then I'm electing to move on from the old buddies. Rough to think about. Emotionally this one took a toll on me - I'll admit I have faced the "What am I doing this for?" question recently. Is sobriety worth not having a social life for a couple of years? I guess the honest answer to that question is YES. And another aspect is that if I'm being honest, my last couple of drinking years didn't have much of a social life either.

EndGame said something about the basic human needs, the intangibles that we can't quite define. I think that's what I'm missing right now. Making friends always came so easy for me in life, I never had to go out and purposely look for them. They just sort of gravitated my way, and I had no shortages. This is the first time in my life I have to just put myself out there. With spring around the corner there's no better time. I think I will find the same success.

Finally - I realize I'm taking a lot of this stuff far too seriously. Nights like last night lead to extremely difficult inward thinking and introspection, which always ends poorly for me. I need to do less of that, and need to take more walks in the park and just enjoy life for what it is and stop electing to spend my time worrying about this crap! LOL.

Thanks again folks for the support!

ScottFromWI

You did the right thing, and I agree with your realization that your are really overthinking this, we all do it from time to time.

Regarding your statement above...I felt the same way early on but eventually realized it's fundamentally flawed logic. It assumes that the only way you can have a social life is by drinking, or hanging out in drinking situations. There is an entire world of possibilities to interact with others without it.

Aellyce

Hi BigS - glad to hear it went reasonably well! I completely understand the grieving, had similar experiences although mine were not with friend groups from quite far past, more close friends and lovers with whom I've experienced this 1:1 during the past 10-15 (and less) years. It's tough. All of my respect to you for being able to stay this strong and keep the distance - I could not at first and took me a few rounds of repetition to finally define and keep a reasonable distance while not cutting it completely, at least with one person. I keep our interactions rare and 100% virtual now with this particular person.

I like the idea EndGame brought up and I've experienced a very similar process actually starting quite long before quitting drinking, consciously seeking out more "meaningful" relationships. For me that type of connection makes a whole world of difference from the ones that are based on fulfilling momentary desires and needs. So I would suggest to you to try a different, more involved, more proactive approach to making friends and socializing. What I like: meet new people based on specific shared interests and even more if it can be linked with some kind of "project" or activity that goes beyond ourselves. Examples: I've made some great friendships via work, collaborating with people with compatible skills and similar motivations - in the end these can also be useful an productive. I have an interest in the arts and while I'm not an artist myself, have been experimenting with some things like making music or graphic art... and had a lot of fun hooking up with more skilled artist friends for projects. Another area that I would like to get into now is volunteer work - I see this being suggested here on SR frequently and I think it has the potential to establish cool new connections via working together with others for a shared cause. There can be plenty of similar opportunities in your areas of interest also, I am pretty certain

Introspection is a very valuable tool for mindfulness and self-improvement, but as everything it's best balanced... I think if we introspect on our feelings and past excessively, it may lead to depression, self-absorption, and just general dissatisfaction. So what I suggest to you is that you try new approaches to connecting that may have more to them than hanging out and having fun simply! It's sad to let go of valuable components of our past, but sometimes better...

All the best

tnman1967

Being the odd man out is strength, conforming to a norm is just blah in my opinion. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Feel sorry for all them people that think it's fun and enjoyable to get plastered and feel like crap tomorrow. Not to mention all the stupid things they will say and do. Then waking up with anxiety trying to figure out what they all said and did the night before. Besides, are you sure you are the only one with a drinking problem? You never know.

Hevyn

BigS - I appreciate and can relate to your last paragraph. I'm going to remember your words today. I do the introspection thing until it keeps me from moving forward and healing. Proud of you for coming to this realization.

jdooner

I could not agree more. But I was unable to understand any of this until recently. It is my opinion that we resonate or vibrate on a certain wavelength. If your an out of control drunk then party girls and sycophants gravitate towards you, not real meaningful friends. As you get in touch with yourself, I firmly believe the relationships you will build will be much stronger. This is not because you know you better (that is a part) but because you will attract people that are not self identifying outwardly.

This is not to say your friendships are not strong but generally I have found people who are partying are not attracting the stronger deep friendships.

It is my opinion what you are wrestling with is very natural and happening for a reason, just as I believe your decision to relocate is happening for a reason. When you break a bone the bone heals and is much stronger. When you go through adversity as you have you become stronger. This strength will attract stronger people and the bonds will be greater.

Keep up the good work - I respect your journey!

Jade1224

Everyone else feels like crap this morning!

Leshar

Great post, thanks!

I'm just now starting to understand about how we resonate/vibrate on a certain wavelength, and how as we grow and understand ourselves better, we attract people who are "in tune" with our authentic selves.

malcolmsloan

This is such positive post. I love it. Big, I love your strength and clarity, doing what is right for you, even if it is going against the crowd. SR, all of your support is so moving. I'm so glad I read this thread. It actually picked me up a bit!