Skipping the big annual party tonight :(
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Skipping the big annual party tonight :(
Well, the big party tonight is going on with all my friends. This is the old "college buddies" yearly reunion. The guys get together and do a fantasy baseball draft, then go out to the bars. They drink beers, do shots, and rib each other. The wives gather upstairs and drink wine.
I will be home. I will participate in the fantasy baseball draft online while everyone else is there in person, then I will log off the computer and go to bed.
It's depressing. I can't handle going to a room full of my old fraternity brothers and watch them drink craft beers and down whiskey. I just can't. I'm over 1.5 years sober, and I just can't do it. They tell me they miss me. They tell me they wish I'd show up. They know I'm sober, but they don't seem to get why I won't go.
If this was a room full of strangers, I could go. But these are my drinking buddies and also my closest friends. It is somehow different - like showing up to a reunion after spending time in jail for a terrible crime. I wish I had more guts to show up and be there sober and not care. But I do care, and it hurts like a sonuvabich. I feel so "weak" for not being able to show up for these things.
I will be home. I will participate in the fantasy baseball draft online while everyone else is there in person, then I will log off the computer and go to bed.
It's depressing. I can't handle going to a room full of my old fraternity brothers and watch them drink craft beers and down whiskey. I just can't. I'm over 1.5 years sober, and I just can't do it. They tell me they miss me. They tell me they wish I'd show up. They know I'm sober, but they don't seem to get why I won't go.
If this was a room full of strangers, I could go. But these are my drinking buddies and also my closest friends. It is somehow different - like showing up to a reunion after spending time in jail for a terrible crime. I wish I had more guts to show up and be there sober and not care. But I do care, and it hurts like a sonuvabich. I feel so "weak" for not being able to show up for these things.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Nothing even remotely weak about following your truth and protecting what you have worked so very very hard for. I might allow you to play the "weak" card if you actually went to the event. 
that, to me, would be equivalent to driving on bald tires.
This act of self love, self preservation and self protection should be celebrated not shunned.
It takes an exceptionally strong man to say the words "I can't". Perhaps you should also say "I choose not too". Put the ball back in your court. Allows YOU ownership. Of YOUR choices. Which is I love myself too damn much to sabotage myself for another minute. No. No.
NO !
This is an act of strength Big. Not weakness.
Most honorable and admirable in my eyes.
Way to protect Brother.
that, to me, would be equivalent to driving on bald tires. This act of self love, self preservation and self protection should be celebrated not shunned.
It takes an exceptionally strong man to say the words "I can't". Perhaps you should also say "I choose not too". Put the ball back in your court. Allows YOU ownership. Of YOUR choices. Which is I love myself too damn much to sabotage myself for another minute. No. No.
NO !
This is an act of strength Big. Not weakness.
Most honorable and admirable in my eyes.
Way to protect Brother.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
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Didn't respond to your original thread on this, but you are, in my opinion, doing absolutely the right thing for your sobriety, and good for you for doing that. No reason in the world why you should be able to handle what you describe - why would you even want to? Doesn't mean it won't hurt, but (this sounds very parental!) often that's the nature of change, and a loss to grieve. That prior relationship with your buddies won't be the same again...it's a loss
There is nothing stopping you meeting these guys on a one to one, or in a small group, another time, when the meet itself is not arranged around a drink fest. My experience is that this is also a really good way of assessing, without that activity, what we actually have in common without it. That sometimes means friendships end, and yes, that can hurt, but again, it's the nature of change. Other times, it's meant the friendships deepen, and are based on us being who we are now, not who we were back then
Being in recovery for me has meant I have to let some things (including people & activities) go....and also even that after a while, these things no longer hold the appeal, or have the same nostalgic pull, they once did anyway. I'm not a subscriber to the idea that if I'm a fit enough spiritual condition, I should be able to withstand an afternoon at a beer festival - whoever happened to be there. It's just that some things are no longer for me, and if my company is that important to an old friend, they'll understand why I can't be in wet places (bearing in mind, there are degrees of everything, and this sounds not just wet, but soaking!) and seek me out to meet on neutral territory, another time
You've done great! You've done the right thing. Hope your evening is good to you.
There is nothing stopping you meeting these guys on a one to one, or in a small group, another time, when the meet itself is not arranged around a drink fest. My experience is that this is also a really good way of assessing, without that activity, what we actually have in common without it. That sometimes means friendships end, and yes, that can hurt, but again, it's the nature of change. Other times, it's meant the friendships deepen, and are based on us being who we are now, not who we were back then
Being in recovery for me has meant I have to let some things (including people & activities) go....and also even that after a while, these things no longer hold the appeal, or have the same nostalgic pull, they once did anyway. I'm not a subscriber to the idea that if I'm a fit enough spiritual condition, I should be able to withstand an afternoon at a beer festival - whoever happened to be there. It's just that some things are no longer for me, and if my company is that important to an old friend, they'll understand why I can't be in wet places (bearing in mind, there are degrees of everything, and this sounds not just wet, but soaking!) and seek me out to meet on neutral territory, another time
You've done great! You've done the right thing. Hope your evening is good to you.
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Originally Posted by bigsombrero 
I feel so "weak" for not being able to show up for these things.
I wish I had a dollar for every forum member who put social obligation ahead of their sobriety and came back, full of remorse, to tell us that they drank.
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A tip of the BigSombero, my Friend!
I'm big on 'taking back' my situations these days w/o getting surrounded by Drunks sans an Escape Plan. I commend you for doing the same. You're making the positive choice of HOW you play Fantasy Draft [on line], and that's huge. You OWN the evening, and the resulting outcome w/o regret tomorrow morning.
I'm big on 'taking back' my situations these days w/o getting surrounded by Drunks sans an Escape Plan. I commend you for doing the same. You're making the positive choice of HOW you play Fantasy Draft [on line], and that's huge. You OWN the evening, and the resulting outcome w/o regret tomorrow morning.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Thanks all. Lucky for me I have a great online support system I can reach out to right in the middle of my work-day! Thanks again SR family!
I have reached out to a few of my friends via text today and they seem to be supportive. I think that I was filled with dread that they wouldn't be - or worse yet, that they'd think there was something "wrong with bigsombrero" these days. I hate being seen as a weak link, or a less-than-whole person because of this.
But I've learned that often these are MY perceptions of myself: not anyone else's. During my drinking days, I thought people who didn't drink were weird/worthless. Alas, I am now projecting those feelings onto my own character, which has made life in many situations difficult for me.
I can't quite "own it" just yet. I know I'm still ashamed of myself, deep down, and I can't quite shake it. Working on it, though. Working on it.
Thanks again for the support folks.
I have reached out to a few of my friends via text today and they seem to be supportive. I think that I was filled with dread that they wouldn't be - or worse yet, that they'd think there was something "wrong with bigsombrero" these days. I hate being seen as a weak link, or a less-than-whole person because of this.
But I've learned that often these are MY perceptions of myself: not anyone else's. During my drinking days, I thought people who didn't drink were weird/worthless. Alas, I am now projecting those feelings onto my own character, which has made life in many situations difficult for me.
I can't quite "own it" just yet. I know I'm still ashamed of myself, deep down, and I can't quite shake it. Working on it, though. Working on it.
Thanks again for the support folks.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Your not alone BS. I met with my sponsor last night we were chatting about somethign and he mentioned that he is not going to attend his brother's bachelor party. Its not genuine for him to be at a strip club or bar or whatever they will be doing at that gong show.
Instead he is going to fly out to Chicago actually two weeks before and go golfing and spend a weekend together just the two of them.
Being strong is not using brute force to push through when the outcome is known - that is stupidity and weak actually. Being strong is about mindfulness and doing the right thing when it is actually harder than doing what is easier and would result in a negative consequence.
To me you are stronger than you know for this decision and it inspires me.
Instead he is going to fly out to Chicago actually two weeks before and go golfing and spend a weekend together just the two of them.
Being strong is not using brute force to push through when the outcome is known - that is stupidity and weak actually. Being strong is about mindfulness and doing the right thing when it is actually harder than doing what is easier and would result in a negative consequence.
To me you are stronger than you know for this decision and it inspires me.
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I think my shame with this group comes from the fact that we all traveled the same road with drinking, but I'm the alcoholic. We all started drinking around 18-19 together, and they're all "fine" now as we get into our late 30's. They all got married, some now have kids. Yet I'm single, and the alcoholic. I feel like the spotlight shines much more harshly on my differences with them when we are all put together like this. Makes me feel ashamed of myself for being the odd man out.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I think my shame with this group comes from the fact that we all traveled the same road with drinking, but I'm the alcoholic. We all started drinking around 18-19 together, and they're all "fine" now as we get into our late 30's. They all got married, some now have kids. Yet I'm single, and the alcoholic. I feel like the spotlight shines much more harshly on my differences with them when we are all put together like this. Makes me feel ashamed of myself for being the odd man out.
So your not like everyone else (thank God !) You are on a different path. Doesn't make theirs right or wrong. But you chose the road less travelled. Or in your case, more well travelled to remote and beautiful places all over the world
You don't think your life has been charmed ? Look at what you have done my friend ! You took yourself to the brink of death, then climbed out of the abyss !!!
Tell me, which of your friends have done that ? No, you might not know the traditional path, but you sure as hell know the Heros Journey. You have struggled and are triumphing in overcoming the ego and pain body. Yours is the path of the enlightened. The mystics and saints and shamans never have an easy go at it. That not what we signed up for.
A long time ago, I began to share with you who you REALLY are. No, big, you ain't like the rest of them. And this is not to say a single negative thing towards any of them, but I want you to really reflect on whether or not these supposed non alcoholics are really "living the dream".
Just because you aren't doing it the traditional way doesn't mean your not doing it.
And doing it right.
XO AO
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Im usually in the friends and family forum... my xH is an alcoholic... but I read your thread and wanted to tell you from the perspective of the other side I think you sound amazing and healthy and strong and I think your friends rather than looking at you as "weird" would probably and do probably look up to you for your strength...
My xh NEVER passed up an opportunity to drink (still doesn't) even when it meant missing events that you cant replicate involving his kids...
It sounds to me like you have your priorities in order and maybe there could be a time you and your pals get together and drinking isn't part of the gathering and you could still enjoy time with them alcohol free...
My xh NEVER passed up an opportunity to drink (still doesn't) even when it meant missing events that you cant replicate involving his kids...
It sounds to me like you have your priorities in order and maybe there could be a time you and your pals get together and drinking isn't part of the gathering and you could still enjoy time with them alcohol free...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Alpha I am touched by your post - truly sister its beautiful.
BS - I could not agree more. I am dealing with some things myself and a good friend just reminded me of my path. Others might kill for the opportunities I am passing up right now but those opportunities are not right for me now. Keep the path brother so you can help others in need. Who knows maybe your not the only alcoholic and one of your friends is going to need someone to reach and look up to help save them from the brink one day? Sort of works like that, ya know?
BS - I could not agree more. I am dealing with some things myself and a good friend just reminded me of my path. Others might kill for the opportunities I am passing up right now but those opportunities are not right for me now. Keep the path brother so you can help others in need. Who knows maybe your not the only alcoholic and one of your friends is going to need someone to reach and look up to help save them from the brink one day? Sort of works like that, ya know?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
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I believe you're doing the right thing Big. And I don't believe you're weak; you probably just need more sober time. Is there any chance you and your college buddies could get together for an event that isn't so centered around alcohol? Or meet up with some of the guys individually for lunch, dinner or coffee?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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You are making the right decision and good on you for putting your sobriety first and not letting your addiction talk you into testing yourself of trying to convince you that you will be fine. I would make the same decision that you are. Be proud of your choice and stay strong.
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Hi bigsombrero - wonderful comments have already been made. I'll just add that I'm proud of you for anticipating what might happen - and staying away. I was a fool in my first couple yrs. sober & took on too many challenges. You are brave, strong, and self-aware. 
I'm so happy you wanted to share your feelings and that you received so many helpful responses. I hope you'll post later to let us know how it's going.
I'm so happy you wanted to share your feelings and that you received so many helpful responses. I hope you'll post later to let us know how it's going.
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As many have said, this is absolutely the correct decision for you. And even more importantly you made it yourself - showing what your priorities really are.
Regarding your note about your friends, remember that being married and having kids in itself is no more an indicator of "success" or "sobriety" than the direction the wind may be blowing today. It's entirely possible, even likely, that some of those friends have issues with alcohol too. What's much more important though is taking care of yourself - which you are doing - congrats!
Regarding your note about your friends, remember that being married and having kids in itself is no more an indicator of "success" or "sobriety" than the direction the wind may be blowing today. It's entirely possible, even likely, that some of those friends have issues with alcohol too. What's much more important though is taking care of yourself - which you are doing - congrats!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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The weak thing to do would be to go, be tempted and then relapse. You are staying strong in the face of significant personal difficulty - you should be proud. Nothing worth doing is easy!
Would it be possible to see some of them in a non-drinking-focussed setting if you miss hanging out with them? People who have kids have to skip out on parties all the time, there's no saying you can't take the same approach and arrange something during the day.
Would it be possible to see some of them in a non-drinking-focussed setting if you miss hanging out with them? People who have kids have to skip out on parties all the time, there's no saying you can't take the same approach and arrange something during the day.
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