Either I start drinking again, or ship myself off to the nuthouse
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,023
Hey RQ
AN AA member once said that the reason for his drinking was that because he suffered from spiritual depression, i.e., he was dead inside. What worked for him was doing the 12 Step program. The key was not AA or the 12 Steps but rather that he gained spirituality, i.e., inner peace and serenity. Its difficult at the beginning but my suggestion is that you try to gain some spirituality in your life ? Spirituality doesnt need to be faith based or religious at all. Sample some and see what resonates with you ? Stay close and dont give up !
AN AA member once said that the reason for his drinking was that because he suffered from spiritual depression, i.e., he was dead inside. What worked for him was doing the 12 Step program. The key was not AA or the 12 Steps but rather that he gained spirituality, i.e., inner peace and serenity. Its difficult at the beginning but my suggestion is that you try to gain some spirituality in your life ? Spirituality doesnt need to be faith based or religious at all. Sample some and see what resonates with you ? Stay close and dont give up !
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
RQ, for what it's worth, I live pretty flat inside too but have found a kind of peace
instead of living in the drama and false emotional lifts I got from 30 years of drinking.
You mentioned you've been sober 6 moths, which is a great start, but I will be honest
and tell you that it was over a year before I started to actually feel "better" about the
big picture.
At six months, the crap I had pushed down was just starting to surface for me
and it was actually a crisis point in my life. I don't know if that is what is
happening with you, but I am suggesting that perhaps you should give it
more time than 6 months before trying something else.
I do know what it is to feel empty and dead inside.
I send you good wishes and the stamina to keep trying.
There is life under the barren part of ourselves we have built with the addiction.
I think moving forward may be the only way out.
instead of living in the drama and false emotional lifts I got from 30 years of drinking.
You mentioned you've been sober 6 moths, which is a great start, but I will be honest
and tell you that it was over a year before I started to actually feel "better" about the
big picture.
At six months, the crap I had pushed down was just starting to surface for me
and it was actually a crisis point in my life. I don't know if that is what is
happening with you, but I am suggesting that perhaps you should give it
more time than 6 months before trying something else.
I do know what it is to feel empty and dead inside.
I send you good wishes and the stamina to keep trying.
There is life under the barren part of ourselves we have built with the addiction.
I think moving forward may be the only way out.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
I do understand depression. If you are suffering from clinical depression I do know that you can not think yourself out of it. I was so depressed I ended up in a nursing home. Stopped eating for 3 months, lost 80lbs and all use of my arms and legs and speech. I would not have been able to type on here.
Many people who have not experienced it have absolutely no idea how it feels. And no matter what they suggest, you can not do anything in that state,
You are emotionless. No compassion, no feelings toward loved ones . Nothing is funny. It's like like navigating life through quicksand. I never thought I would recover. I was almost catatonic at one point. On feeding tubes. Shades drawn.
But I am here to say that it did lift. Took a long time, change in meds etc then
some women prayed for me at church and 3 days later I was healed. Full recovery.
I am still on meds. Occasionally need adjustments. Been kinda sad lately but it is something I need to pull myself out of. I know it is self imposed this time.
Making bad choices for my health, nutrition etc.
Usually I have to hit some sort of emotional bottom to make a change. It's ok.
But hang in there. have faith? don't know where to start?
How bout this "God, don't know where to start, please help me" .
He will hear you.
Many people who have not experienced it have absolutely no idea how it feels. And no matter what they suggest, you can not do anything in that state,
You are emotionless. No compassion, no feelings toward loved ones . Nothing is funny. It's like like navigating life through quicksand. I never thought I would recover. I was almost catatonic at one point. On feeding tubes. Shades drawn.
But I am here to say that it did lift. Took a long time, change in meds etc then
some women prayed for me at church and 3 days later I was healed. Full recovery.
I am still on meds. Occasionally need adjustments. Been kinda sad lately but it is something I need to pull myself out of. I know it is self imposed this time.
Making bad choices for my health, nutrition etc.
Usually I have to hit some sort of emotional bottom to make a change. It's ok.
But hang in there. have faith? don't know where to start?
How bout this "God, don't know where to start, please help me" .
He will hear you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Oops--sorry about the RQ; Very tired after work yesterday
I haven't done any medication to manage depression except one time with bad effects--
do you think the mix you've tried may be part of it?
14 months is a good amount of time--
I actually went to diet, exercise, and Yoga / meditation to deal with my next level
of crap. It took several months, but that combo was the thing that got me some peace
at long last.
Any luck with these for sustained period?
I haven't done any medication to manage depression except one time with bad effects--
do you think the mix you've tried may be part of it?
14 months is a good amount of time--
I actually went to diet, exercise, and Yoga / meditation to deal with my next level
of crap. It took several months, but that combo was the thing that got me some peace
at long last.
Any luck with these for sustained period?
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey RQ
I can't say I can offer any good advice. My only experience of depression was alcohol-induced; it must be very difficult when you can't see easily how to 'fix' things (I could see the fix but just didn't want to do it; that was my problem, but I can see that's not the case with you). But I just wanted to know I feel for you. I hope you don't find it patronising to say that I'll keep you in mind and prayer.
May you find peace. May you find happiness. May you find a way out of your suffering.
I wish I could say something more useful, I really do.
God bless you.
I can't say I can offer any good advice. My only experience of depression was alcohol-induced; it must be very difficult when you can't see easily how to 'fix' things (I could see the fix but just didn't want to do it; that was my problem, but I can see that's not the case with you). But I just wanted to know I feel for you. I hope you don't find it patronising to say that I'll keep you in mind and prayer.
May you find peace. May you find happiness. May you find a way out of your suffering.
I wish I could say something more useful, I really do.
God bless you.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Originally Posted by RocketQueen
Ive been sober 14 months. Enough water has passed under the bridge for me to "learn how to cope with life without drinking". Turns out i suck at life. Either life will kill me, or the drink will. Either way, I have nothing to lose.
We either get busy living or get busy dying.
Best way I've found to help me is to be a service to others
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Either I start drinking again, or ship myself off to the nuthouse
Originally Posted by RocketQueen
Yep, I can't deal any more. Neither option is particularly appealing, but I have to do something. One seems easier than the other.
we can talk ourselves right into the nut house
sounds like not a terrible place as we deceive ourselves yet again
until we get locked up in there
for some we know that return to the liquid devil
they do in short time end up locked away
MM
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Quote:
Originally Posted by fini
RQ,
you say you're dead; dead inside.
could be entirely wrong, but just this: you're very much alive.
I meant spiritually dead inside. You can knock, but nobody's home.
oh,
no, i knew you were talking about "spiritually dead inside"
i guess i'm hearing wrong, cause i keep hearing that your spirit is not "home" but sure is alive enough to let you know it's there and in agony.
maybe i'm just putting my own stuff on it; went through an inside-dead-but-screaming and so now know that when my dead-inside-nobody-home feels like that it's exactly because spirit is very much alive and suffering...
Originally Posted by fini
RQ,
you say you're dead; dead inside.
could be entirely wrong, but just this: you're very much alive.
I meant spiritually dead inside. You can knock, but nobody's home.
oh,
no, i knew you were talking about "spiritually dead inside"
i guess i'm hearing wrong, cause i keep hearing that your spirit is not "home" but sure is alive enough to let you know it's there and in agony.
maybe i'm just putting my own stuff on it; went through an inside-dead-but-screaming and so now know that when my dead-inside-nobody-home feels like that it's exactly because spirit is very much alive and suffering...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by fini
Quote:
Originally Posted by fini
RQ,
you say you're dead; dead inside.
could be entirely wrong, but just this: you're very much alive.
I meant spiritually dead inside. You can knock, but nobody's home.
oh,
no, i knew you were talking about "spiritually dead inside"
i guess i'm hearing wrong, cause i keep hearing that your spirit is not "home" but sure is alive enough to let you know it's there and in agony.
maybe i'm just putting my own stuff on it; went through an inside-dead-but-screaming and so now know that when my dead-inside-nobody-home feels like that it's exactly because spirit is very much alive and suffering...
Originally Posted by fini
RQ,
you say you're dead; dead inside.
could be entirely wrong, but just this: you're very much alive.
I meant spiritually dead inside. You can knock, but nobody's home.
oh,
no, i knew you were talking about "spiritually dead inside"
i guess i'm hearing wrong, cause i keep hearing that your spirit is not "home" but sure is alive enough to let you know it's there and in agony.
maybe i'm just putting my own stuff on it; went through an inside-dead-but-screaming and so now know that when my dead-inside-nobody-home feels like that it's exactly because spirit is very much alive and suffering...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
ROcketQueen I can relate. I'm almost 3 years sober and I cant tell you how many times I wonder what the hell the point is. I can list 100 reasons why i'm happy sober and I can list 100 why this is still a bunch of BS. I teeter on the edge. Tho for me I dont want to pickup I do realize drinking is not an option. I'm screwed I cant win. There is no magical answer and all i can do is throw my hands in the air and say F-it half the time.
I have times of sanity as well however where things are good and i'm content and despite my turmoil inside I do realize being sober is better then not.
for me if i could just be happy with what i have and content in my cirucustances I think things might start to look up. Theres a couple problems yet to solve since I sobered up that I'd like to resolve.
I go back and forth sometimes I feel as if nothings working nothing ever will this is all a crock and I just cant take it anymore. Then I fight for my life to get to the postive side of the fence where I try and be happy for somethings and hold my chin up high.
I find gratititude helps pull me out of the hole but not falling into it to begin with helps. But its all easier said then done and I still have my battles all the time.
I've woken up a lot recently saying "lord have mercy" begging please no more I just cant. and I havent felt like that since i was drinking! I sometimes think how much can one person take in there life? Then I look at my kids and this helps motivate me to go on 1 more day.
Theres ups and downs I dont htink there is a magical answer. Just get up 1 day at a time is the only answer i got.
I have times of sanity as well however where things are good and i'm content and despite my turmoil inside I do realize being sober is better then not.
for me if i could just be happy with what i have and content in my cirucustances I think things might start to look up. Theres a couple problems yet to solve since I sobered up that I'd like to resolve.
I go back and forth sometimes I feel as if nothings working nothing ever will this is all a crock and I just cant take it anymore. Then I fight for my life to get to the postive side of the fence where I try and be happy for somethings and hold my chin up high.
I find gratititude helps pull me out of the hole but not falling into it to begin with helps. But its all easier said then done and I still have my battles all the time.
I've woken up a lot recently saying "lord have mercy" begging please no more I just cant. and I havent felt like that since i was drinking! I sometimes think how much can one person take in there life? Then I look at my kids and this helps motivate me to go on 1 more day.
Theres ups and downs I dont htink there is a magical answer. Just get up 1 day at a time is the only answer i got.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 65
RQ, I must say I've read your original thread from start to now, it takes real guts to put your "true" feelings out there for everyone to poke at. I did 30 nights inpatient at a faith based rehab in Pennsylvania (they generally only take about 20 patients). I'm very early in recovery, but without AA, my higher power, and the tools taught to me I'd never be making it. Like an earlier post, the not drinking part hasn't been the hardest, the hardest work has been figuring out emotionally and psychologically "why."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
Im scared that if I do inpatient, my daughters father will use it against me to take her away. He's waiting for his chance to use any leverage he can get his hands on. If I do anything, it needs to be 100% secret and something I can do while she is around me. I'm so honest and open here because I can't be in the real world. It's the main (although not only) reason I quit drinking. I got tired of just waiting to be found out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 65
WOW, you sound like you are telling my story of before I went in for "inpatient" treatment for the 30 days. I had been drinking (and thinking I was hiding the drinking) for years and my ex-wife was telling me she was going to file for sole custody of our 11 year old daughter. She already had things in motion, and look out cause depending on the ages of the children, schools, teachers, friends, police will be looking for it. Actually, when I told her I was getting treatment she was happy about it, and totally backed off. I told her she needs to do what she needs to do as far as custody goes, but I need to be well. Also, for what it is worth, a close friend that is an attorney (used to be a divorce attorney) said that for parents that go "get help" for addiction or mental health problems and do well with it will fair very well. IN fact, he said he's seen more ex-spouses get their A$$es reamed out in court for preying on someone trying to get well for themselves and kids and praised the recovering parent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Nevada
Posts: 523
Ive been there with that feeling of f it. Sucks for sure. I'm a few days off of a bender myself and still feel the guilt and shame that we all talk about on here. Terrible cycle. I hope you can stay strong
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 92
I understand it's scary seeking help when custody is an issue, but you would be seeking help and that is better for your daughter. I can't guarantee anything but if a judge sees a person getting help, they are more impressed than when a person is denying there is a problem or trying to hide drinking. Proactive steps are seen more favorably.
Best of luck in coming to a decision. The child piece makes it complicated. I get that. Finding the right resources can be overwhelming.
Best of luck in coming to a decision. The child piece makes it complicated. I get that. Finding the right resources can be overwhelming.
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