Jade1224

I know I won't stop unless I admit I have a problem but I'm not ready to believe it or accept it and that makes me sad.

matrac

Many alcoholics can drink and work, in fact, work is one of the last things to be affected.

I didn't realize just how much alcohol affected my life till I stopped which was recently and so i am still discovering that.

I bet you know the answers to your question...

matrac

I read this and it makes sense

Loss of control: The inability to limit one's drinking over time or on any given occasion.

Tolerance: The need to drink increasing amounts of alcohol in order to "feel the buzz" or to "get high."

Craving: A strong and continuing compulsion or need to drink.

Physical dependence: Alcohol withdrawal symptoms when a person stops drinking after a period of excessive drinking. Such symptoms include: anxiety, sweating, nausea, and "the shakes."

Mrmellow11

You can do it Jade...like I said I drank heavily everyday for 4 or 5 years and quit 6 months ago and am happier than ever and don't miss it whatsoever

LadyinBC

This is definitely me! I have a sense of peace and contentment I never had when I was drinking. Even though I kept trying to find it that way.

Dee74

Go back and read your very first post here Jade.
I think it might help you find some firm ground.

People with no problem don't find recovery sites, and stay members.

D

ScottFromWI

It makes me sad too. One of the most frustrating things I find in sobriety is my inability to effectively share with those still struggling how much better it really is. All the struggles of "am I an alcoholic?", the failed moderation attempts, the anxiety, the hangovers, withdrawals, panic, it's all gone - literally gone. And it's all gone because I don't drink anymore.

Try making list of the things that you gain by drinking. Then make a list of all the things you would gain by not drinking...and compare them.

Or look at it the other way - what do you have to lose by trying to drink in moderation again vs what you have to lose by staying sober?

Either way, I hope you stay here on SR and try to figure this out with help from others, rather than just trying to drink again - because it most likely will not end well.

tomsteve

I did what Dee suggested and this caught my eye:
Three years ago I was an alcoholic for about 8 months.

im wondering if you know what it means to be an alcoholic. I don't know anyone that was able to go back to not being an alcoholic once they became one.

but im also thinkin ya got some serious AV kikin. its a liar.

tomsteve

and usually people that say this have a pretty high probability of being an alcoholic.

Jade1224

It will be better sober, I know. You are right. I hate the anxiety.

I don't want to alienate myself from the rest of the world either. All my friends drink. I don't know anyone sober. Actually there's a girl I know who is sober and she never gets invited anywhere. It shouldn't be like that. Its not fair OR nice.

I don't know if i should try again since I'm not fully committed yet I don't know HOW to fully commit. Im so stuck. And I'm tired of trying to stay sober when my heart isn't in it. I just fail and I get frustrated.

jdooner

Jade - I am struggling a bit too today. I celebrate my 6 months tomorrow. I am at a conference here in San Francisco and gave a talk in front of thousands. My ego is all puffed up and I am reminded of years past and romance the idea of a drink. Everyone around me is drinking and its difficult. I totally get what you are saying and how you are rationalizing. Why me? Why can't I have a drink? Am I really an alcoholic? I didn't loose everything, look at how I saved myself from the brink of ruins...surly just one or two drinks would be okay. I canceled two of my meetings, have come back to my hotel room and am going to meditate. I reached out to a friend who has helped.

Anyhow, we both know the drink is not going to help. We also know who we really are deep down. But it comes in waves and we can be triggered by things that we are not suspecting. Its also easy to forget what it was like in the early days.

Good luck.

Dee74

I know it's tough to accept that things in your life (even things beyond drinking) need to change...that kept me drinking for well over a decade.

but if you can change now - before you wake up one day and find you actually can't juggle your career, your reputation, and your drinking anymore - it will be so much the better for you.

I think sober support sounds like a great step forward

D

Jade1224

This is what I'm saying! That's what's weird right? ? How do you go from being an alcoholic to drinking normally. Like... no binging not even wondering if I had a problem just normal and stable. Alcoholics don't do that do they? Once they drink they cant stop but I did. For a long time.

I always label myself as a problem drinker not an alcoholic because I don't drink daily and its possible to have one or two drinks and then stop. Every once in awhile I will binge but everyone does that. People talk about getting drunk all the time. Is everyone in the world an alcoholic? Everyone in santa barbara must be one.

I guess im just trying to figure out if im any different than the rest of people my age and in this town that just party. It seems like everyone does and its ok. It's literally everywhere.

silentrun

I had no outside consequences that I could point to either Jade. Worked 60 hrs a week, never drove drunk, took care of my responsibilities and then got drunk at home quietly. It destroys you from the inside out. Don't let it get that far. I don't really know if Alcoholic applies to me either but I strongly suspect it does. I do know that my drinking had progressed to the point that I no longer had the desire to control it. Before that I was containing it. You don't necessarily have to have a bottom you can have a breaking point. The point were you say enough enough I'm out.

SoberLeigh

Pride and self-respect are among the things an alcoholic stands to lose; be well, Jade.

Dee74

I think one of the best ways to test that is to not drink - at all, no matter what the occasion or trigger - for a decent period - say 90 days.

Someone with no alcohol problem will be able to take it or leave it.

D

Nonsensical

I first wondered aloud if I had an alcohol problem in 1986. I took my last drink in 2013. In between I finished college, raised a family, acquired a 6-figure income, all the trappings of success. All of it was tainted by my persistent drinking.

I wish I would have had my last drink in 1986. All of the signs were there, but I refused to believe them. My pride would not let me believe I was so weak as to be addicted. I needed negative consequences to convince me. Eventually I got them. Not as many as I deserved, but I got some.

Looking back it seems silly that I could not see it sooner.

I wanted to quit smoking - so I did.
I wanted to quit fast food - so I did.
I wanted to quit eating gluten - so I did.
I wanted to quit biting my fingernails - so I did.
I wanted to quit drinking - but I kept right on drinking.
But I didn't have a problem with it. Not me.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

neferkamichael

Jade1224, that is dead on accurate. Rootin for ya.

callmemilly

You can think of it as a dependence on alcohol....that's how I define to myself. But the point is I'm dependent in an unhealthy way.

I'm alot like you, I work, go to the gym, totally high functioning, but I have drank off and since I was 15, and it would get bad then I stopped, then it would pick up again, and it is definitely progressive and very slowly creeps up on you.

I'm 36 now, stressed and struggling at work, and all I want tonight is a shot or two to deal- on a work night. That would have been unthinkable a year ago or two years ago. First it was only holiday weekends. Then weekends every 6 weeks, every other weekend, twice a week all december, and now when I have to work. And if I didn't address the problem, how long before it wasn't just a thought?

The problem is, this is what I turn to to cope, and then it gets stronger over time, and takes over.

Anyways take care, do what is best for you

peanutty

I agree with Dee. Try 90 days and see how you feel at the end. I argued with myself about being an alcoholic too. I have a masters degree. I make a very nice income. Things look pretty good on the outside. I haven't had any consequences of my drinking of the legal or employment variety (yet) although I was not giving my full effort at work and I was driving drunk often.

I think one of my biggest indicators now that I need sobriety is the way I feel at 90 days. It's an amazing difference. I'm not wound up like a cheap watch on the inside all the time. I look better. I feel better. Life is way more peaceful. I feel joy which hasn't been present for me for years. I can see all sorts of possibilities in my future now and I was just surviving before. I have so much more money since I'm not spending it on booze! I want to do things and go places. I have met sober friends. I've realized that not everyone drinks like I wanted to/did.

Normal drinkers don't spend bunches of time thinking about drinking, not drinking or convincing themselves that it is/isn't okay to drink. They also don't find it hard to go long stretches (multiple months) without drinking.

I'm not as young as you are but I thought I couldn't stop drinking because all my friends drink and I need to drink to fit in at work events and on work trips. I can see now that was BS. I was just scared to stop. It hasn't been easy but it's been worthwhile to quit. I can say with certainty that nothing in my life is worse than it was 91 days ago when I had my last drinks. Nothing.