TigerLili

I am 28 days sober today. Go me.

My brand new, two week old computer stopped working and I am so mad and so frustrated I can hardly stand it. There are so many freaking feelings!

I am fearful because I need my computer to work and I'm scared of comptuer things.

I am going to have to take time off work to have the computer person come and fix it and I've already taken annual and sick leave recently. My boss will not like that. More fear.

I need everything to be perfect and trouble-free otherwise I'm full of anxiety and feel that I am 'wrong' and 'bad' (thanks for that one, mum and dad).

Maybe I made a mistake and chose the wrong computer? (That means I am 'bad' and 'wrong' for not knowing the perfect thing to do.) (Let me write you another cheque, Mr Therapist.)

Maybe I made a mistake setting it up and didn't install the virus protection properly? Genuinely clueless here.

I'm mad and sad that I finally have the money to buy my first ever brand new computer (at age 44!) and IT BROKE! I want a refund! The computer I am typing this on is so old and clunky. It's probably 8 years old. It's slow and wheezy. But it's still working. It was probably 3rd hand when I got it. It even had a spider living in it. (It crawled out of the vent one day.) (You can still see the claw marks on the ceiling.)

GO AWAY HORRIBLE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't numb the feelings!!!!!!!! I have to feel the feelings!!!!!!!!!

Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

All the stuff that comes up just from the minor inconvenience of a faulty computer. Jeez!

But in my head it's not minor. IT'S HUGE LIKE A MOUNTAIN! A mountain of all my failings and inadequacies. I am completely overwhelmed with feelings and 'family of origin issues'. I feel sick.

No wonder I drank.

Dee74

I find the more I stay sober, the more crud I get to deal with, the less I freak out at things & the shorter time I obsess about why something happened....

That being said, PC issues can really tick me off....but at least the old behemoth is still working right?

Hope everything gets fixed speedily and with a minimum of fuss, TL .

D

TigerLili

I hope that will be the case for me! Actually, I'm sure it will be but for now I seem to have a backlog of feelings to process.

Yeah :-) That's one bright spot at least. Plus no spiders!

I was standing in the middle of my living room freaking out. I would normally pop a few pills and have a few drinks to numb the uncomfortable feelings. It's not even an option today. It's just not on the table. I thought "What else can I do?" and the thought to just go for a short walk around the block occurred to me. So that's what I did.

Now I'm going to go to another meeting that starts in 45 mins.

Dee74

Sounds good

D

Jeni26

How frustrating...anyone would feel what you are right now. Heck, I'd probably have sworn at mine and threatened it with going to that great computer scrap yard in the sky...

Take a deep breath. Go out for a walk to clear your head. Talk it through with someone less emotionally involved...your sponsor? A friend? Someone who can think logically when we can't is a lifesaver.

Then write down your options...don't think ahead and imagine scenarios ( what if my boss is angry, what will I say) etc..that won't help and is a waste of your energy. Just simply write what you can do and who needs to be informed. As I know you're an AA person I would then advise you to go and pray, turn it all over to your HP. Keep breathing.

I hope it turns out ok xx

TigerLili

I can't seem to calm down. Need to do something else to take my mind off. I keep trying to do the 'hand it over' thing, but it doesn't stop me worrying.

I know what needs to be done but that doesn't stop me worrying about it. I will worry until all the boxes are ticked and the issue is 'closed'. This is a negative that I am working on in therapy. I have no internal facility to put things to one side. I wake up with panic attacks at 3 in the morning. I have been to hospital a couple of times because of them. Everything crowds in on me until it's 'done'. I have so much on my plate right now that I am barely coping with that this has just pushed me over the edge.

The meeting didn't really help much. I was too agitated and the flourescent lights were flickering and gave me a headache.

Ok time to watch a movie.

Dee74

Try and accept the fact that there's nothing you can do until Tuesday anyway, TL.
I hope you can distract yourself and enjoy the holiday a little tomorrow

D

TigerLili

I am so sad and disappointed over this. I am well aware it's a total overreaction and it's triggering my family of origin stuff, which is actually good because I can take it to my therapist and sort through it. I have to keep reminding myself that the fact that my comptuer is broken is not my fault. It's just a thing.

I am sitting here bawling my eyes out over it. I'm a camel and it's the straw. I've been hanging on by my fingernails over all my work stuff. I'm taking beta blockers to prevent the severe heart palpitations I've been having.

This is just a huge setback for me. I will talk to the tech when they call me and find out what options there are. I would prefer for them to replace it.

Maybe I an arrange for my parents to spend the day here and deal with the computer guy. My dad wouldn't mind doing that and I'm sure my mother will be thrilled at having the opportunity to snoop through my flat while I'm out

Dee74

I'm sorry this has got you so down TL.

Maybe the Oldies idea isn't that bad - if your mums like mine, she might even clean up

D

TigerLili

I might give her my knitting projects to finish off! That might stop her snooping in my closet. I might have to lock a few things in the boot of my car lol.

TigerLili

I will be okay. It's just triggered a lot of stuff and comes at exactly the wrong time. Asking my parents for help is probably actually a really good idea. They like to feel needed and want to do things for me, but I'm always saying I'm ok. It will make them happy to help.

TigerLili

I'm actually thinking about applying for an 8 month residential treatment programme. I have been thinking about it for a while. I mentioned it to my shrink but I think I will ask her to call the place I'm thinking of and see if it's suitable for me.

Dee74

whatever you decide in the longer term, I hope tomorrows better for you TL

D

TigerLili

Thanks Dee :-)

bigsombrero

Sounds like you're working on this in therapy? Maybe it's time to think about some of the things you've learned in those sessions and apply them to your current situation? Sounds silly, but it might help.

Your computer will be fine, and the tech will be happy to get that clutter removed. The "computer person" only has a job because this happens to people all the time! He's used to it by now, you're not the first and won't be the last! :P

suncatcher

I'm proud of you TL for talking about your feelings and allowing yourself other ways to deal with them! That is a huge accomplishment! I used to deal with anxious unpleasant feelings and frustrations by over eating! Order a large pizza when times got tough lol I think we all have our vices we turn to in times of stress, some healthy some not at all but recognizing it and figuring out healthier ways to cope is the main thing. I hope your computer problem gets resolved soon but as you know something else will arise at some point. But it sounds like you are learning to deal with things it's ok to cry and scream if you have to! And keep posting here whenever you need to vent! Hugs and positive feelings

bluncain

You're not bad or wrong - I have that too.

Phone the shop you bought it from, get it replaced, it's not fit for purpose.

I associate that voice that blames and shames me as my Alcoholic Voice. It, The Slug, wants me to feel undeserving/guilty so I will drink.

When you fix this problem you will have achieved something without booze.

Why not ask a friend/partner to call the store on your behalf if necessary.
Your still under warranty.

Best wishes

karate

I have some mild depression and anxeity sober .

Now I just figure I'm like the rest of the world .

No one feels perfect every day .

I just roll with the punches , I don't sweat some feelings
They pass with time .

Worst thing is to submit to them

CAPTAINZING2000

A little paint will cover those claw marks on the ceiling

archenemy

TigerLili...I hope u feel better! Anxiety is awful.