mick3580

So, I have to stay in aa in order to stay friends with you? I also have to not drink in order to stay friends with you? Doesn't that sound like a cult? Maybe you should look at why you are so bothered by other people having their own journey and why you are in need of them doing things your way in order for you to be ok.

Aa is not a place that exists in order to serve your desire or need to make friends. It exists so that people can stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety? Are you using it for this purpose? I get the sense that you are sober, but are you helping others, of just placing expectations on people?

mick3580

I talk to people who have left aa. I talk to people who relapse. My goal was never to establish a network of friends in aa. People in aa and out of aa have failed me in numerous ways. I'm sure I have failed them.

nigey1

Gold!! Cmon people lets work as a team and do it my way............ I know the feeling

littlefish

I always view the typical aa group as more or less exactly the group of people you will meet at the supermarket: people from all walks of life, with a broad range of personalities:stable, unstable, rich, poor, happy, miserable, etc, etc.
Have you ever considered that you are attracted to a certain type?
I know that in every aa room there is a great deal of diversity, but you seem to be finding just one type.

jdooner

I know the last names of most of my friends.

RobbyRobot

Sure, I relate. And I have some ideas too.

Being tired of it is way healthy, so know and own that for yourself. Have confidence in your awareness of when things are going (gone) south. Know at a gut level that being human is okay and sufficient enough to be all that any of us can be in this life. Changing our experiences changes everything we experience, lol. Change creates change and so on seems trite, but there it is nonetheless.

Befriending others is always a personal choice made, and so when things are not as expected, we do best to take a time-out and reflect on were our efforts worth the risks of feeling sucker-punched? I'm not ashamed to admit I've not as many friends today as I've tried to have in my life. I've learned its not really about the quantity at all - its really more about the quality of my existing (and former) friendships.

Just to qualify myself a bit, I spent a few years working at a rehab for street level clients in my early sobriety. I lived in as a resident counsellor. Eventually I became a program director in my own right. I've worked and lived with hundreds of persons seeking freedom from addictions. I've also done hundreds of AA meetings too. I sobered up back in 1981. I've been very generously personally invested in most of the persons I worked or lived or AA'd within those early years. Like Dee well and truly said, your not being selfish, and I heartily agree. It does get to be a downer with so much disappointment again and again. Still, like Dee alluded too, this disappointment is operational normal when dealing with addicts/alcoholics.

Friendships are whatever we say they are for ourselves, and this is no small matter. I know being a friend is worth more to me then having a friend. I'm more a loner type guy anyways, so this makes sense to me. Giving is better then taking for me as it turns out. Taking leaves me feeling selfish and empty. Giving I feel like my cup runneth over kinda thing, lol. Awesome times I have with people, even when I'm being ripped off, it still works out for the better all else being equal.

Here is an idea that never fails to work for me: When working with and helping others I can't do better then to be aware of their pains, ills, and needs before mine. Along with this, turning the other cheek makes good sense too. Doesn't mean I'll take a bitch-slappin' goes without saying, but it does mean if I can't stand the heat in the kitchen; the fight in the trenches; the despair in the rooms; the misery on the streets - then I'd do better to make easier choices about putting myself out there. No one wants to see anybody hang a sign around their neck calling out for "let's all play nice or not play at all"

I suggest you take another look at what little value there is in coming down hard on yourself for others blowing you off when it comes down to friendships with those same persons. Forget about what you've already given, and perhaps take stock of what is it you really have to give to satisfy yourself. We can't give what we don't have, and so when we're not satisfied, something isn't working, and that something needs to change for the better, goes without saying.

KateL

I'm not AA either, but it does happen a lot. Relapses are common and you should hang on to the fact that you are one who is making it. Don't let it get you down too much xxx

deeker

Why would I want to hang with someone who referred to me as being unstable and transient.

tomsteve

good point, my friend.
We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.

Nevertheless

Well,I am a success story. I went to AA steady for the first year. It is one of the pieces to the puzzle that got me sober.
But after the first year,I only return once a year to get my coin.
My reason for not going is I didn't play by the rules. I never got a sponsor. I only got to step 4. But I didn't go in and disrespect their method either.
My fear is if someone were to ask me to be a sponsor. I would have to tell them the truth. That I didn't exactly do it the AA way.
Yes,It's true when some leave a meeting they go straight to the liquor store. Some will go to the bar never to return. But some do make it.
I myself was on the 3rd attempt over a 20 year period before it finally stuck.
I'm afraid i would still be drinking today if it weren't for AA.

Fred

caboblanco

i experience this too but not just in recovery circles... in any place where you come in contact with people. You don't ever have to settle for hanging out with for lack of a better term morons or a-holes. If someone has a hidden agenda and you catch that on your radar then keep your space. This best

thing that can happen in this situation is that you use each other instead of them just using you..not good either though but happens everywhere all the time. A lot of the time being alone is better then insulting your own

intelligence or better judgment. Hold high standards for yourself and eventually quality people will present themselves to you..at least i hope for yours and my sake..whatever you do don't take cra p off of anybody...

gaffo

After many years of searching and wrong turns I am blessed to have reached a state of mind where I am comfortable with myself. I enjoy my own company. People can come and go but it's me I have to stay solid for. Ironically, I believe this is the foundation of my relationships with others.

sugarbear1

Because it's all about fully human interaction.

Acceptance. Know you may be planting seeds....

You are staying stopped.

Yes, it bothers me at times, just focus on other things....

Typed on a phone.....

MIRecovery

I am warm, friendly, and make sure that they know the hand of AA is extended to them if they wish to accept it. Friendship and trust are earned. Just like SR there are millions that come and go. Alcoholics ned to save themselves you just need to be there when they are.ready

dirk626

I'm not in AA so I can't really speak to that experience, but I want more in common with a friend than either the bottle or sobriety. I have many acquaintances as a result of circumstances, and I like them. But, as the circumstances change so will the acquaintance. I have only a few friendships that have lasted over the decades, but those relationships continue regardless of circumstance.

nickand

Hmmm. This is just the nature of the beast. aa has a very high turn over rate. Only about %5 of newcomers stay for a year. Mathematically speaking, you just need to befriend 20 newcomers and 1 of them will stay long term. if you befriend others that have been around for a while, then your odds only increase.

ru12

I kind of thought this was tongue-in-cheek.

Addiction sucks. Few seem to find there way out, but some do. It kind of reminds me of the boy throwing starfish back into the sea story.

zerothehero

I would suggest volunteer work, yoga classes, ceramics classes, and other sober activities not directly related to recovery in order to connect with people. Not just AA. Many people are needy whether they use or not. People move on or pass on; that's life. We all have a need for love and belonging, and I've found the best way to fulfill that need is to seek fulfilling that need for others. Expectations create disappointment. Lately, the lyrics to Dylan's "Idiot Wind" keeping coming to mind: "It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves."

iloveme

What I really hear is, You Care.....that is progress.....God bless you! all the other stuff will work itself out ....a warm cup of coffee and a hug and handshake are things this forum can not give you!!! keep going back.... AA saves lives!!!!

SoberCouch

When I first got sober, it hit me hard when people left the rooms as a few of them died as a result of this disease. I was really close to an addict I met in rehab. I used to take him to NA meetings as he didn't have a car. His name was Junky Joe and mine name was Rick the Drunk. He was influential in my early recovery.

Joe stopped calling me and didn't answer my phone calls. I went to the rehab a week after he stopped calling to find out, he went back out. The police found him in a back ally dead as a result of this disease. I understandably, was devastated. I still say a prayer every May 26th for my friend and mention him on FB on that day. I loved him and still do.

It's hard man but unfortunately it's the nature of this disease. I had to stop going to the rehab center on Tuesdays. They have an open meeting where people who have graduated rehab, can take a meeting into the newcomer. It was too close to the source for me. I needed to get away and hit the meetings, work with my sponsor and the steps. While it still pains me when I think of Joe, it's softer now. Unfortunately and fortunately, Joe taught me how deadly this disease really is.

SC