EndGameNYC

You want to see a transient population, stick around on SR. Or on Earth. People come and go all the time here, and we typically don't know the end of their story when they disappear. It's also a reality that, for some, leaving SR is a wise or healthy choice.

In the Grand Scheme of things, all our relationships can be described as "transient," to the extent that, one way or another, we will one day lose everyone in our lives. Detaching from people, "losing" them for one reason or another, emotional separation...all microcosmic deliverances of death's messenger; small deaths that chill us to our bones, reminding us of our mortality. Even love eventually attacks at the throat.

Drinking the way I do only hastens this process -- real and virtual death -- always "losing," always ending in tears.

Despair is not a remedy; it's no decision at all.

If you knew that today were to be the last day on the planet for you, what would you say to those you love? What are you waiting for?

miamifella

Maybe this is why a sponsor told me that you don't go to AA to make friends.

Hopeworks

Open Discussion meetings are a great place to reach out to newcomers but if you are looking for a solid group of strong recovery and old timer wisdom you can usually find those folks at Big Book and Step meetings. I also used to enjoy speaker meetings where there would often be a lot of wisdom ...

I am an alanon so there wasn't a lot of reason for me to go to open meetings but my XRA would go to those specifically to reach out to newcomers... I didn't find them very helpful for me and often found them to be too much talk about it how it was and not on the solution. He didn't find many friends at those but is still friends with many he met through 12 step and BB meetings many years later even though he lives in a different state.

1newcreation

You are simply powerless over people, places & things

Mountainmanbob

yes after many years in AA my list of true long term friends is short
but - they are good sober friends who I can count on
we learn to only give enough of our heart away
that it will not kill us if never returned

also - how many is distress have we been there for ?
this may be of most importance in God's eyes ?

Mountainman

HJIK

Thanks for all these great replies to get me right, I am going to read them all again. I was in a bad state yesterday. I feel kind of silly now getting so bent about it but I was.

Wastinglife

I say stick to AA for sobriety, but look somewhere else for stable friendship. Work, school, recreational sports/activities??

GracieLou

I have come to the conclusion that trying to decide who will make it and who won't is not my job.

My job is to carry the message and help, if I can. I am not responsible for anyone other than myself. As long as I stick to my program and keep my nose out of others, I am a much happier and content person. Control is the key word here. You cannot control what others do and it is best to stop trying.

When I first came in the program there was a woman that always went out of her way to say hi and give me a hug. She sat with me at the meetings and made me feel better.

As time has gone by I see now that she has many issues but I actually saw a change in her. She was more positive and seemed to be sharing and reaching out more until last weekend. She came to meeting late and after the meeting I talked to her and she was clearly high. Not drunk but on something. I was so worried I offered to take her to my place but she refused. I did call her later to make sure she got home okay.

I saw her Saturday at a meeting and she was back to her cheery self but made no mention to me or anyone else about a relapse. I assume that since she did not drink, she did not relapse. Honesty. Some people are incapable of it but that does not mean I should judge. I did not tell anyone about it and I did not talk to her about it. It is her journey, not mine.

I cannot let her journey affect mine. My recovery is my own and that is where most of my energy needs to be. I used to be frustrated as you are but once I realized it is not in my hands, I do not have that control, my compassion and tolerance grew.

Dee74

I've been thinking about this thread a lot.

Most of the people I 'meet' on this website I probably will never 'see' again...some of them become friends, some come back...but most disappear.

My job is to share my experience with them while they're here.
You never know where by the grace of Whomever a seed might germinate or a phrase may stick with them.

and the important bit is...most of them bought something to my day, or my life.

Maybe like all of us sometimes, you look at things from the wrong end of the telescope HJIK?

D

caboblanco

I think I read you post wrong. I thought you were trying to look for meaningful friendships at recovery circles. i guess you were just frustrated

because of the turnover at these places. i know it might be disheartening but it is really not your responsibility to save those people. Sponsors, therapists, social workers and the like don't even have such a responsibility. Recovery

rates everywhere are not the good. That is just the reality of the situation. Some people are forced to go there whether by court or by family members. Some never have any intentions of changing their drinking.

NYCDoglvr

When I first got sober (22 years ago) I frequently heard a saying in beginners meetings. "Look to the right of you, look to the left. In a year only one of you will be sober." Actually that's right ... about 30% stay sober for a year. So go to meetings where there's more sobriety! It is heartbreaking when someone you care about goes out ... less of a chance of that with people with a year or more.

Leana

Speaking from a mother's perspective (daughter in AA). I wholeheartedly agree. The only people she meets any more are recovering (fill in the blank). Lost their license, relapsed, moved back home, left recovery house, unstable. Don't know much about AA but there have to be some stable people in AA, why can't she meet them?

Shining~Again

I've been a mod on another website (recovery) for many years. I learned that
many people would not be there in the morning. It hurt. Notsomuch now.

I have always been fascinated with the interactions and statistical stuff - the way that we are so similar yet so incredibly different. How we can be buddies one day and "those people that are not worthy of a email" the next. The bully bus is another. How people will parrot the person before them to tear a person down, not having the balls to do it themselves.
Online is a bit different than real life...depending on what's the interest or problem.

I would hope that my whole being didn't hinge on me meeting some criteria. But that's just life. It is what it is.

Cheers

keithj

I'll restate what tomsteve said in more direct terms. Maybe it's time to leave behind the spirit of the fellowship and join the Fellowship of the Spirit. It's there that I found lifelong friends bound by deep ties. Of course, there are some membership requirements. 12 of them to be precise.

GracieLou

The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. The steps are not required, they are suggested as a program of recovery.

I think the only requirement is important. The "desire". Not they have stopped or that they stay that way. I am not there is take another persons inventory nor to critique their program or lack there of.

I have had a dear friend relapse and while it pains me, I cannot let it sway me from my own recovery. She made a choice. I can reach out more but I can't pull that person with me or their burden becomes mine.