HJIK

Maybe I should just change my screen name to "Mr Negative" If I'm going to share this one, but I am getting tired of making friends with all the unstable and transient people I meet in recovery.

I'm tired of the disappearing act they pull over and over again, but what do I do ? Avoid being friends with newcomers in recovery ? or people that rent short term ?

I have been comparing making a circle friends in recovery to attempting to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom with water. I can work hard at it (going to meetings and hours of stupid small talk) and at times the bucket is almost full but always several months later most of them went back to drinking using or have relocated far enough away I don't see them anymore.

I am tired of it.

I can't be the only one who is doing this over and over and has noticed the pattern.

This is really bothering me.
Anyone relate or have any ideas ?

Dee74

I can't really relate cos I'm not in AA and most of my interaction with fellow alcoholics is online...but my 'people picker' got a lot better with time.

One I worked out who sober me was, I was able to work out my boundaries.
Life got a lot simpler.

D

HJIK

I guess I am just selfish or what ever, expectations are the mother of all resentments...

Dee74

I don't think you're selfish at all - it must be exhausting and demoralising to give time and effort and have those people disappear.

Having said that, you do get used to people disappearing. It's part of the alcoholic condition.

Good thread topic

D

robgt350

i think most people fall off the wagon at times. i know i did. but hopefully you find friends who have a strong belief in it.

HJIK

It really is, it happens slowly, I have been part of a tight group of like 10 people at times, then one by one people relaps and or move on or away and 90- 120 days later its like square one again.

Its nuts, this cycle has been done by me so many times.

HJIK

I don't know, I have been at this long enough to know its almost impossible to tell who is going to make it and stick around. The vast majority don't and I don't like that.

HJIK

I can't be the only one that has hit this bump, I hope to hear from someone who has got over it and some ideas. I will check this tomorrow.

TigerLili

I don't go to meetings to make friends. Meetings are full of sick people lol.

I go to meetings to get a reality check, to listen to other alcoholics share their experience, strength and hope and babble on a bit about my own stuff if asked to do so.

I think the meetings we have here are much smaller than those in the US. I've heard of meetings that have hundreds of people, so I can imagine that a group of friends might be invaluable in that setting.

50 people would be a HUGE meeting here. 20-30 is average. There was 9 at the meeting I went to last night. I am fortunate that at any meeting I go to, I probably know half the people in the room by sight and I have enough confidence to go up to anyone and say hi how are you doing, so I don't feel like I need a specific group of friends. I suppose I consider people acquaintances in recovery, rather than friends. I don't have the same expectations of acquaintances as I do of friends.

I have friends who happen to also be in recovery, but we don't go the same meetings because we live in different areas of the city.

TigerLili

No kindness is ever wasted. Giving your time and energy (within healthy boundries) to another alcoholic is good for you and it's good for them. You don't know that you didn't plant the seed that will help them get sober when they finally hit rock bottom. You don't know that their schedule didn't change or their family situation changed and they now go to different meetings.

HJIK

If people would just do things my way everything would be alright.

FeenixxRising

It sounds like you need to spend time working on yourself before you befriend every person that comes into a meeting. You can be friendly and helpful without becoming "friends" with every newcomer.

And are you sure all these people even want you as a friend?

TomSawyer

Yep. To me, making new friends in recovery sounds great in theory. But being 25, it's not an easy task - most of the 'stable' folk in recovery seem to be twice my age. I'm getting back to the point where hanging out with my old friends is really better for me than no social outlet at all. I know the bit about 'wet faces,' but my "old friends" are really good upstanding people, just happen to be my old drinking buddies also.

Robertstone

You have tied yourself to an organization that has a very high failure rate. So, of course people are going to leave at an alarming rate. That's human nature though. If a person feels like they aren't living up to the demands of the group, they leave. This happens with churches too, where people sign up to change their lives, and after a while they feel they cant do it and just leave without a trace. AA makes it anonymous, so leaving is much easier!

But, don't feel like you aren't helping them in any way. You may not have helped them with their alcoholism, but certainly as a human being and as a spiritual being you have helped them in one way or another on their journey.

Also, a lot of people leave AA because it doesn't work for them and they overcome alcohol on their own, so cheer up!

suki44883

afloatsober

Totally relate.
The sad fact is that many do fall away and some pass away. It's been likened to trench warfare, with a similar casualty rate. However, i do have many AA friends who have been sober for long periods(up to 38 years), and it is them that i gravitate to as my sobriety develops. Befriending new people is hazardous but if they do relapse i tell myself 'i'll be sober and available to help if and when they make it back'.
And i am. Just for today.....
Best wishes.
Gary

tomsteve

1st i'd suggest checkin yer motives why ya do it with the "unstable and transient people I meet" and why not with the one that have solid recovery.
its good to reach out and help newcomers. it just may save a life, but having expectations of them and trusting them is a recipe for disappointment.
there wasn't one single person with solid recovery that trusted me when I walked into recovery. I don't blame em. why should they trust a liar,cheater,theif that walked into the doors of AA?
trust is earned through action and over time.

soberhawk

I am not AA.

I do not see small talk being about making friends as such, people do not owe me anything if I have small talked with them. It is more out of politeness. It can at times be amusing but mostly is not.

I think people in recovery are in a crisis and it is difficult to predict where it leads us.

It is probably about keeping the expectations under control – well the best things sometime happens when you have that under control.

WMJ1012

My job is to go through the 12 steps then pass down the set of directions I've been willing to allow someone to pass down to me.

In other words, it can be a lonely life until we only think of what we can give to these people.

someonelikeyou0

I would say to not take it so personal. So many recovering people are so confused. And their confusion may lead to dropping out. But it isn't your fault and there is nothing you can do.