How do I deal with disrespectful people in treatment? I'm so lost.
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Fallgirl613 - nice avatar
Heathersweed's observation about mandated members of a group is what I was thinking too.
I would stay away from groups that have a large number of mandated participants.
Additionally I would never go back to that group again - the group leader is incompetent. If you feel up to it you might write a letter to whoever is in charge of the group leaders to let them know what is going on in that group.
I don't think now is the time to think about how you will deal with warped and worthless people like you encountered at the group. When I first launched into sobriety I would not have have the energy, or self worth, to deal with aggressive losers.
Now, it's a different story. Now I'd be looking to get the group leader fired - just for starters.
But you don't have to mess with that - find another group. Do one on one. Maybe go deeper into AA. There's a lot of options for you to consider.
Congrats on going and staying sober!!!
Heathersweed's observation about mandated members of a group is what I was thinking too.
I would stay away from groups that have a large number of mandated participants.
Additionally I would never go back to that group again - the group leader is incompetent. If you feel up to it you might write a letter to whoever is in charge of the group leaders to let them know what is going on in that group.
Have you thought about how to deal with insensitive people in the future?
Now, it's a different story. Now I'd be looking to get the group leader fired - just for starters.
But you don't have to mess with that - find another group. Do one on one. Maybe go deeper into AA. There's a lot of options for you to consider.
Congrats on going and staying sober!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
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My take is that you were in that class for a reason, perhaps to confront your sensitivity, what happens if it occurs in next class? I was in, in patient treatment with lots a personalities. I wish I would of stayed. I now know it was my inability to cope that made me run once again. I stayed out there for another 7 years after that. Treatment isn't gonna be pleasant but if you stuck it out, I am sure there was a lesson to learn in that. If you run up against a similar situation at this new facility then I believe you are definitely there to learn a lesson.
People in treatment are sick people and I don't mean that in a bad way.They have an illness and you will run into some other problem somewhere else.People in early recovery don't really know who they are yet. But you can't run away or control others, only your own perceptions. After all, what did I do to deserve this utmost respect from these strangers when I didn't even have that respect from my own family or even myself.. They are Not bad people getting good but sick people trying to get well .
People in treatment are sick people and I don't mean that in a bad way.They have an illness and you will run into some other problem somewhere else.People in early recovery don't really know who they are yet. But you can't run away or control others, only your own perceptions. After all, what did I do to deserve this utmost respect from these strangers when I didn't even have that respect from my own family or even myself.. They are Not bad people getting good but sick people trying to get well .
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Hey Deek - this time I have to disagree with ya.
Couple of thoughts:
People are always told to check out a lot of AA groups to find one they fit with. I see this the same way. Try out some different groups.
Then second - I wouldn't assume that she was put into this group of aggressively hostile people to learn how to deal with warped personalities. Maybe she was supposed to move on to another setting and there will be just the right people there for her to grow.
We're not trees - we can move and change our environment. That's a good thing. If your job isn't right - move on. If your mate won't treat you right - move on. If your friends are dragging you back into drinking and drugs - leave them behind and move on.
In my experience people forced into mandated treatment are really bad to be around because they're angry and looking for someone to take it out on.
Some things are worth staying and slogging trough. But this group sounds like it would be really bad for anyone trying to get straight.
That's my take Deek! You're weird - but I still like you!
Couple of thoughts:
People are always told to check out a lot of AA groups to find one they fit with. I see this the same way. Try out some different groups.
Then second - I wouldn't assume that she was put into this group of aggressively hostile people to learn how to deal with warped personalities. Maybe she was supposed to move on to another setting and there will be just the right people there for her to grow.
We're not trees - we can move and change our environment. That's a good thing. If your job isn't right - move on. If your mate won't treat you right - move on. If your friends are dragging you back into drinking and drugs - leave them behind and move on.
In my experience people forced into mandated treatment are really bad to be around because they're angry and looking for someone to take it out on.
Some things are worth staying and slogging trough. But this group sounds like it would be really bad for anyone trying to get straight.
That's my take Deek! You're weird - but I still like you!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
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Originally Posted by ClearLight 
In my experience people forced into mandated treatment are really bad to be around because they're angry and looking for someone to take it out on.
[/QUOTE]Good point! People who are forced.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Originally Posted by ClearLight
Hey Deek - this time I have to disagree with ya.
Couple of thoughts:
People are always told to check out a lot of AA groups to find one they fit with. I see this the same way. Try out some different groups.
Then second - I wouldn't assume that she was put into this group of aggressively hostile people to learn how to deal with warped personalities. Maybe she was supposed to move on to another setting and there will be just the right people there for her to grow.
We're not trees - we can move and change our environment. That's a good thing. If your job isn't right - move on. If your mate won't treat you right - move on. If your friends are dragging you back into drinking and drugs - leave them behind and move on.
In my experience people forced into mandated treatment are really bad to be around because they're angry and looking for someone to take it out on.
Some things are worth staying and slogging trough. But this group sounds like it would be really bad for anyone trying to get straight.
That's my take Deek! You're weird - but I still like you!
Couple of thoughts:
People are always told to check out a lot of AA groups to find one they fit with. I see this the same way. Try out some different groups.
Then second - I wouldn't assume that she was put into this group of aggressively hostile people to learn how to deal with warped personalities. Maybe she was supposed to move on to another setting and there will be just the right people there for her to grow.
We're not trees - we can move and change our environment. That's a good thing. If your job isn't right - move on. If your mate won't treat you right - move on. If your friends are dragging you back into drinking and drugs - leave them behind and move on.
In my experience people forced into mandated treatment are really bad to be around because they're angry and looking for someone to take it out on.
Some things are worth staying and slogging trough. But this group sounds like it would be really bad for anyone trying to get straight.
That's my take Deek! You're weird - but I still like you!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsburg, Pa.
Posts: 389
My experience...even at this site...expressing a non-compliant or distrustful attitude may not "go over" well ! Enough said to this tender child !
Sad to say, there are crappy groups out there ! Also crappy psychiatrists, and crappy neighbors, and crappy group therapy "leaders" !
My best wishes are for you to move forward to a more supportive environment, as you can or "as time will tell" !
Cindy
Sad to say, there are crappy groups out there ! Also crappy psychiatrists, and crappy neighbors, and crappy group therapy "leaders" !
My best wishes are for you to move forward to a more supportive environment, as you can or "as time will tell" !
Cindy
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
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If people would have acted like this at the daytox centre I went to they would have been asked to leave. This behaviour was covered on orientation day and this kind of disrepect isn't tolerated.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Funny thing about tough love - it's usually a tool used by family and friends when they no longer wish to enable the alcoholic/addict in feeding their addiction. There is already a relationship established; they know each other; they are wise to manipulations used by the addict, and it is a "line drawn in the sand".
How does "tough love" tie in when someone is an absolute stranger; it being their first time out and answering specific questions from a group leader. How does that play into the equation? I fail to see how "calling" someone out on their opening story can even be close to tough love.
Not many will respond well to an iron fist, especially on their very first day.
Though it was a long time ago, I remember how it was to walk into treatment centers and AA at the beginning. I remember how scared I was, the warm reception I received, and it was because of that reception that I continued on. I didn't have to have it figured out in my first encounter. I was fortunate in my 90 day rehab to get educated on alcoholism; so much I didn't know.
fallgirl613; I wish you much success in your new treatment center, and hope you will keep us posted as you start your sober journey. Keep coming back, and feel free to PM me anytime. Keep your eye on the prize, and don't ever give up.
How does "tough love" tie in when someone is an absolute stranger; it being their first time out and answering specific questions from a group leader. How does that play into the equation? I fail to see how "calling" someone out on their opening story can even be close to tough love.
Not many will respond well to an iron fist, especially on their very first day.
Though it was a long time ago, I remember how it was to walk into treatment centers and AA at the beginning. I remember how scared I was, the warm reception I received, and it was because of that reception that I continued on. I didn't have to have it figured out in my first encounter. I was fortunate in my 90 day rehab to get educated on alcoholism; so much I didn't know.
fallgirl613; I wish you much success in your new treatment center, and hope you will keep us posted as you start your sober journey. Keep coming back, and feel free to PM me anytime. Keep your eye on the prize, and don't ever give up.
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Originally Posted by wellwisher
fallgirl613; I wish you much success in your new treatment center, and hope you will keep us posted as you start your sober journey. Keep coming back, and feel free to PM me anytime. Keep your eye on the prize, and don't ever give up.
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Location: Miami, FL
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Originally Posted by wellwisher
Funny thing about tough love - it's usually a tool used by family and friends when they no longer wish to enable the alcoholic/addict in feeding their addiction. There is already a relationship established; they know each other; they are wise to manipulations used by the addict, and it is a "line drawn in the sand".
How does "tough love" tie in when someone is an absolute stranger; it being their first time out and answering specific questions from a group leader. How does that play into the equation? I fail to see how "calling" someone out on their opening story can even be close to tough love.
Not many will respond well to an iron fist, especially on their very first day.
How does "tough love" tie in when someone is an absolute stranger; it being their first time out and answering specific questions from a group leader. How does that play into the equation? I fail to see how "calling" someone out on their opening story can even be close to tough love.
Not many will respond well to an iron fist, especially on their very first day.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 432
I know my outpatient treatment was NOTHING like this. Everybody there was nice because they were all scared like me. I'm wondering why these other morons in your group are even THERE, if they feel they are so squared away that they can laugh at another groupmember.
Can you find another group? Go to a later one after these clowns have "graduated"?
Can you find another group? Go to a later one after these clowns have "graduated"?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 273
I think especially in the setting of recovering alcoholics, you are going to meet people who are very blunt / don't think too much about others' feelings. I also think I am getting a similar feeling as bigsombrero, though not exactly. What I interpret from your post is that the people around you found your contributions heavy handed and dramatic. Maybe they thought you were playing too much to a role. Certainly your response to sombrero, and phrases like "I'm really not" give this kind of insincere feeling.
Of course it is not exactly what you want, and sometimes it is genuinely unfair, but you have to take some responsibility for the way others treat you. "It takes two people to make an accident" is not just about driving. Some thicker skin and more reserve/patience will do you good, and when other people see that they will respect you more and be kinder. Not everyone, but you should find people don't gang up on you and that it will be more isolated to a very rude person.
Alcohol problems are always layered in other problems—personality, living circumstances, health. It is important that your recovery include attention to other areas requiring improvement. For example, you mention the death of someone in your family. My mother died, therefore I drink. But it's not that simple, is it? Many people have deaths in the family, even untimely, even caused by disease, even caused by suicide or murder. It doesn't always mean drinking. So why did it mean drinking for you? That's the type of question you have to ask. Was a tragic event perverted into an excuse to drink? I can't answer that. But that is what a rude person can start to think when they hear this. They hear you shirking off the responsibility for yourself. "I drank because of such and such." Well when such and such ended, did you stop drinking? Are you prolonging such and such so you can keep drinking? They think: Why can't you admit you chose to drink, so we can relate?
So these are my thoughts, to take or leave as you see fit. They are not malicious though they may be aimed quite personally. You will get as much sympathy as you want if you look hard enough, especially on the internet. Maybe you just wanted sympathy from the recovery group you visited, and they felt you didn't understand the purpose was to quit drinking, not feel sorry for yourself. None of that matters. If there's one thing I'd like to express, it's that you shouldn't run away too far from anything that criticizes you. You cannot grow that way.
Of course it is not exactly what you want, and sometimes it is genuinely unfair, but you have to take some responsibility for the way others treat you. "It takes two people to make an accident" is not just about driving. Some thicker skin and more reserve/patience will do you good, and when other people see that they will respect you more and be kinder. Not everyone, but you should find people don't gang up on you and that it will be more isolated to a very rude person.
Alcohol problems are always layered in other problems—personality, living circumstances, health. It is important that your recovery include attention to other areas requiring improvement. For example, you mention the death of someone in your family. My mother died, therefore I drink. But it's not that simple, is it? Many people have deaths in the family, even untimely, even caused by disease, even caused by suicide or murder. It doesn't always mean drinking. So why did it mean drinking for you? That's the type of question you have to ask. Was a tragic event perverted into an excuse to drink? I can't answer that. But that is what a rude person can start to think when they hear this. They hear you shirking off the responsibility for yourself. "I drank because of such and such." Well when such and such ended, did you stop drinking? Are you prolonging such and such so you can keep drinking? They think: Why can't you admit you chose to drink, so we can relate?
So these are my thoughts, to take or leave as you see fit. They are not malicious though they may be aimed quite personally. You will get as much sympathy as you want if you look hard enough, especially on the internet. Maybe you just wanted sympathy from the recovery group you visited, and they felt you didn't understand the purpose was to quit drinking, not feel sorry for yourself. None of that matters. If there's one thing I'd like to express, it's that you shouldn't run away too far from anything that criticizes you. You cannot grow that way.
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Thank you "Che" for this message...Your message was very forthright and caring. I had another big feeling that I need to express...but fate inhibited it to be forthcoming...I blame it on my Macintosh...old ! That was very nice message you sent...mine would be of experience of being 60 years old...there have to be some pluses for experiences, right ?
Cindy
Cindy
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Originally Posted by Che
So these are my thoughts, to take or leave as you see fit. They are not malicious though they may be aimed quite personally.
See, this is the thing about these forums; you really need to be cognizant about making rude and insensitive remarks to newcomers. The only reason I posed on this forum (opposed to the 'newcomer' forum) was because I wanted to hear advice from people who've been through it all. To tell you the truth, my first thought after I reading your post was "Damn. I could really use a drink." And don't say I'm using you as an excuse to drink now because I won't go there. You will not make me drink, even though I want to go to the bottle right now to erase the demeaning remarks from your post. Oh and just so you know, I'm not writing this post to make more people feel sorry for me. Just in case you wanted to add that in your response too.
All is Change
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One thing one ultimately realises about this all after a long time battling it are some fundaments. In the end they are really only the ones worth talking about. This is about not drinking. If not drinking happens, that's good. I reckon.
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fallgirl - I admire your resilience and commitment to sobriety.
As I've said in previous posts I think your decision to leave that group was wise.
There are a lot of groups out there and this one sounds like it was filled with folks that were really bad for recovery. It would be a big mistake to stay in situation that was bad for recovery - like that group.
There is a viewpoint that you need to commit to that group because… well, because you you were there and moving onto another is somehow quitting working on sobriety. It's not quitting. You were in an unhealthy environment and you moved on - bravo.
There is another viewpoint that YOU were at fault for being a drama queen. LOL. If you read the forums it's ALL drama. That's why we're here.
Finally there's a viewpoint that the folks in your group were dishing out tough love. What they were dishing out wasn't love and it wasn't tough. It was twisted, mean and cowardly.
You deserve better than that.
As I've said in previous posts I think your decision to leave that group was wise.
There are a lot of groups out there and this one sounds like it was filled with folks that were really bad for recovery. It would be a big mistake to stay in situation that was bad for recovery - like that group.
There is a viewpoint that you need to commit to that group because… well, because you you were there and moving onto another is somehow quitting working on sobriety. It's not quitting. You were in an unhealthy environment and you moved on - bravo.
There is another viewpoint that YOU were at fault for being a drama queen. LOL. If you read the forums it's ALL drama. That's why we're here.
Finally there's a viewpoint that the folks in your group were dishing out tough love. What they were dishing out wasn't love and it wasn't tough. It was twisted, mean and cowardly.
You deserve better than that.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
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An alcoholic can always find a reason to drink. Grief, happiness, loneliness, an unkind remark. So why are we even discussing this? There is no point to the accusations or defenses.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. But coming to that understanding is a process and you cannot force someone to face it on your schedule. Just act in a sober manner, be a good example, and they will come to that understanding in their own time.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. But coming to that understanding is a process and you cannot force someone to face it on your schedule. Just act in a sober manner, be a good example, and they will come to that understanding in their own time.
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