22 years old, worried about the future
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hey, T,
I can relate to savoring those moments when you can drink alone without any interference. I'm much older, and didn't play WoW, but I sure spent a lot of time with the booze and my computer for company!
I'm thinking you might do well to check out AA--I think you would find some guys and girls around your age, dealing with the same kinds of problems. I am in AA and it made all the difference in the world to me. I went from feeling like the world was gray to feeling alive again.
I can relate to savoring those moments when you can drink alone without any interference. I'm much older, and didn't play WoW, but I sure spent a lot of time with the booze and my computer for company!
I'm thinking you might do well to check out AA--I think you would find some guys and girls around your age, dealing with the same kinds of problems. I am in AA and it made all the difference in the world to me. I went from feeling like the world was gray to feeling alive again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 138
I really appreciate this thread. Your self-awareness is staggering. Your story sounds somewhat like mine before I plunged into complete drunkenness. That doesn't have to be the next chapter though. Sounds like you'd rather retreat into your own world and use alcohol to reach out via WarCraft, where you don't have to be you. I did that for 17 years. Your self-awareness can serve you extremely well if you heed what you perceive to be red flags. I don't know if you're an alcoholic or not, but if you are and you drink through the red flags, they become tattered and your perception can get pretty crazy, at least that was my experience. Again, thanks for this thread!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks for the comments 
I will keep staying sober and I think it will feel good after tomorrow, that would make it the longest period I have ever stayed sober since I started drinking (I think at least). I'll keep posting here and tell you how it's going. I can't thank you enough for the support. If it hadn't had been for this forum, I would never in a million years consider quitting drinking completely as a valid option
I will keep staying sober and I think it will feel good after tomorrow, that would make it the longest period I have ever stayed sober since I started drinking (I think at least). I'll keep posting here and tell you how it's going. I can't thank you enough for the support. If it hadn't had been for this forum, I would never in a million years consider quitting drinking completely as a valid option Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Thanks for the update Talgar. You are just like me! I had said it before and I still agree...I am glad this forum is working for you. Are you satisfied with everything going on, tho? It does indeed take a long time to develop new habits...but it sounds like you might be trying to solve your thinking problem with your thinker!
Take a look at this, it describes the mental obsession regarding drinking:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
Take a look at this, it describes the mental obsession regarding drinking:
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
AA can be a scary thing to do alone, and it might feel like a real big step for you. Let's face it, we can say "go to an AA meeting" and you'll be like, "yeah, right, sure". Ain't gonna happen.
But you have to get out of this. I did the same thing, I would always be at my "happiest" when watching baseball games at night, for three straight hours, every night. Drinking vodka and soda water the whole time, becoming almost blind drunk by the end of the matches. Nobody at work knew I did this when I went home from the office. None of my friends knew. But I did. And it was dangerous.
Fast forward a year later and I'd quit my job, and since I lived by myself I started drinking alone, beginning in the mornings. Since you have your parents around, that is going to stop you for now, but once you get out of there you'll likely lean towards doing it yourself. Fast forward another year later and I was lying in a hospital bed after having 3 withdrawl seizures in a 4 month span. I nearly died. I was rushed to detox after hospital, and then straight to rehab for 3 weeks.
Recovery is strange, hard, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. But all signs, sadly, point to you heading that way. The bright spot is that you've realized it early, and even brighter that you're here posting. It shows you've got foresight, and you care. I had neither of those attributes.
You've got to make some changes. Get out of that house, for one. Find a small flat. Buy a new laptop, they're not expensive. Find a job, even a menial one, like at a petrol station or better yet an outdoor job. Hell, sweep leaves for a living. Just do something. If you do nothing to change, your situation won't magically change for you. You will circle the drain and go down, just like I did.
Start by talking to your parents, they love you. We are here for support, good luck.
But you have to get out of this. I did the same thing, I would always be at my "happiest" when watching baseball games at night, for three straight hours, every night. Drinking vodka and soda water the whole time, becoming almost blind drunk by the end of the matches. Nobody at work knew I did this when I went home from the office. None of my friends knew. But I did. And it was dangerous.
Fast forward a year later and I'd quit my job, and since I lived by myself I started drinking alone, beginning in the mornings. Since you have your parents around, that is going to stop you for now, but once you get out of there you'll likely lean towards doing it yourself. Fast forward another year later and I was lying in a hospital bed after having 3 withdrawl seizures in a 4 month span. I nearly died. I was rushed to detox after hospital, and then straight to rehab for 3 weeks.
Recovery is strange, hard, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. But all signs, sadly, point to you heading that way. The bright spot is that you've realized it early, and even brighter that you're here posting. It shows you've got foresight, and you care. I had neither of those attributes.
You've got to make some changes. Get out of that house, for one. Find a small flat. Buy a new laptop, they're not expensive. Find a job, even a menial one, like at a petrol station or better yet an outdoor job. Hell, sweep leaves for a living. Just do something. If you do nothing to change, your situation won't magically change for you. You will circle the drain and go down, just like I did.
Start by talking to your parents, they love you. We are here for support, good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
AA can be a scary thing to do alone, and it might feel like a real big step for you. Let's face it, we can say "go to an AA meeting" and you'll be like, "yeah, right, sure". Ain't gonna happen.
But you have to get out of this. I did the same thing, I would always be at my "happiest" when watching baseball games at night, for three straight hours, every night. Drinking vodka and soda water the whole time, becoming almost blind drunk by the end of the matches. Nobody at work knew I did this when I went home from the office. None of my friends knew. But I did. And it was dangerous.
Fast forward a year later and I'd quit my job, and since I lived by myself I started drinking alone, beginning in the mornings. Since you have your parents around, that is going to stop you for now, but once you get out of there you'll likely lean towards doing it yourself. Fast forward another year later and I was lying in a hospital bed after having 3 withdrawl seizures in a 4 month span. I nearly died. I was rushed to detox after hospital, and then straight to rehab for 3 weeks.
Recovery is strange, hard, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. But all signs, sadly, point to you heading that way. The bright spot is that you've realized it early, and even brighter that you're here posting. It shows you've got foresight, and you care. I had neither of those attributes.
You've got to make some changes. Get out of that house, for one. Find a small flat. Buy a new laptop, they're not expensive. Find a job, even a menial one, like at a petrol station or better yet an outdoor job. Hell, sweep leaves for a living. Just do something. If you do nothing to change, your situation won't magically change for you. You will circle the drain and go down, just like I did.
Start by talking to your parents, they love you. We are here for support, good luck.
But you have to get out of this. I did the same thing, I would always be at my "happiest" when watching baseball games at night, for three straight hours, every night. Drinking vodka and soda water the whole time, becoming almost blind drunk by the end of the matches. Nobody at work knew I did this when I went home from the office. None of my friends knew. But I did. And it was dangerous.
Fast forward a year later and I'd quit my job, and since I lived by myself I started drinking alone, beginning in the mornings. Since you have your parents around, that is going to stop you for now, but once you get out of there you'll likely lean towards doing it yourself. Fast forward another year later and I was lying in a hospital bed after having 3 withdrawl seizures in a 4 month span. I nearly died. I was rushed to detox after hospital, and then straight to rehab for 3 weeks.
Recovery is strange, hard, and I wish you didn't have to go through it. But all signs, sadly, point to you heading that way. The bright spot is that you've realized it early, and even brighter that you're here posting. It shows you've got foresight, and you care. I had neither of those attributes.
You've got to make some changes. Get out of that house, for one. Find a small flat. Buy a new laptop, they're not expensive. Find a job, even a menial one, like at a petrol station or better yet an outdoor job. Hell, sweep leaves for a living. Just do something. If you do nothing to change, your situation won't magically change for you. You will circle the drain and go down, just like I did.
Start by talking to your parents, they love you. We are here for support, good luck.
I think you misinterpreted some things though. Moving out would not be a good thing. I have little will power when it comes to doing things that are good for me so living at home makes a huge difference when it comes to getting up in the morning and doing daily chores. I'm studying full time so I am not just sitting on my ass, and I drink far far less than before (because I live at home). Moving out would lead me to skip lectures, increase the likelihood of failing exams, maybe increase the likelihood of getting depressed and probably get me drinking again. I need to 'grow up' enough tackle these unhealthy impulses before I move out.
AA meetings has been talked about a lot here and I now understand that this can make a world of difference. I'm sort of thinking "yeah, right, sure. Ain't gonna happen" because I don't feel I need to yet. I've been sober for five weeks now and it's no problem to just keep this going even though I do think about alcohol daily. What I'm struggling to find is the benefits of being sober. Sure there's the upside that I don't ruin my life and health completely, but I'm talking about how I view my life as it currently is. Saying that I'll be healthy and sober 15 years from now doesn't mean that I'll be happier 15 years from now. But maybe it's better to be healthy and wealthy, but with a just medium happiness for the rest of my life than to be happy now and miserable later? The rational answer is of course yes, but that would make it an extremely tough decision as it is happiness we so desperately seek and we seek immediate happiness rather than some happiness that might be gained in the future, especially 15 years from now!
If I could put things I look forward to from a scale from 1-10, 1 being sitting down after standing up for some minutes (very mild in other words) and 10 being told my parents are going away for some days and that I can drink alone. I would rate eating something a really enjoy at around 4. Taking my morning snus (smoke) at 5 and making a project to finally start working a 6. There's such a huge gap between drinking and anything else and this is extremely hard to just give away!
I will continue being sober, but if I can write the same scale with the same numbers after a year of being sober I would be in some trouble I suppose.
Is there anyone here who could have written a similar scale while they were drinking? I supposed it had to have been at the beginning of a drinking problem, before joy of drinking went away. If so, how would the scale be today?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
To the OP, I think you've hit on something really key here: abstinence is not sobriety. Simply "not drinking" probably isn't going to cut it. Not drinking doesn't resolve any of the issues we had before we drank. A huge part of sobriety for me was growing up. I personally could not do this while living as an adult with my parents (obviously everyone's situation is different). I couldn't rely on externals to make me happy or to keep me "on track". I had to be happy with myself. I had to learn to be responsible for myself. I learned how to do that in AA, but there are many paths to sobriety. There are a lot of people on here that do secular recovery programs, therapy, behavior modification, or no particular program at all.
If I'm only trustworthy and responsible when my parents are watching me, then I'm not really trustworthy or responsible. Character is who we are and what we do when no one is looking.
And sobriety is definitely worth it!
If I'm only trustworthy and responsible when my parents are watching me, then I'm not really trustworthy or responsible. Character is who we are and what we do when no one is looking.
And sobriety is definitely worth it!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly. You can't live your life hiding, or with a jailer. Even nice jailers like mom and dad.
Sooner or later you have to get out in the world, and yeah, there is booze all over the place. The benefits of living SOBER (as opposed to just not drinking) are pretty tough to imagine until you've experienced them.
You might want to take the word of some people who used to feel the same way as you but now wouldn't trade the benefits of sobriety for ANYTHING.
You can find a whole lot of us on these forums, and you will find a whole lot of them in AA.
Sooner or later you have to get out in the world, and yeah, there is booze all over the place. The benefits of living SOBER (as opposed to just not drinking) are pretty tough to imagine until you've experienced them.
You might want to take the word of some people who used to feel the same way as you but now wouldn't trade the benefits of sobriety for ANYTHING.
You can find a whole lot of us on these forums, and you will find a whole lot of them in AA.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Yeah, I can understand the difference between not drinking because it's not possible, and not drinking because I choose not to even though the possibility is there. I'm hoping though, that by staying away from alcohol for a long while that the urge to drink will diminish. If it does (and I guess it will) then staying away from alcohol when I have the possibility to drink will also be far easier.
I live a very day-to-day life. Since I only enjoy daily activities rather than achieving long term goals it makes it really difficult to work towards any long term goals as well. This is why I live my life 'hiding', I just have to hope that my mindset with change with time.
I live a very day-to-day life. Since I only enjoy daily activities rather than achieving long term goals it makes it really difficult to work towards any long term goals as well. This is why I live my life 'hiding', I just have to hope that my mindset with change with time.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You don't have to have long-term goals, just yet. Dealing with one day at a time helps a lot early on.
One thing, though, for me it was important for me to push outside my comfort zone for anything to change. Think about it--from the time you are a baby, learning to walk, you only learn things by taking risks. I'm not talking about dangerous risks, I'm talking about healthy things that are hard to do. We try them, we might feel awkward or uncomfortable, we might get our feelings hurt, but we can talk about them and learn better ways so next time we do better. Getting out into the world little by little. Meetings are a safe place to begin.
One thing, though, for me it was important for me to push outside my comfort zone for anything to change. Think about it--from the time you are a baby, learning to walk, you only learn things by taking risks. I'm not talking about dangerous risks, I'm talking about healthy things that are hard to do. We try them, we might feel awkward or uncomfortable, we might get our feelings hurt, but we can talk about them and learn better ways so next time we do better. Getting out into the world little by little. Meetings are a safe place to begin.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 98
Drinking starts from a point then it graduates to a level that you cannot manage on your own. Attending the AA meetings is one of the options that can help you kick this habit. It is also important that you consider the excitement you normally get when drunk as a trap to keep you on the bottle. Why can't you just decide to stop drinking and research on the best method you can use to achieve your objective.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
I re-read this thread mostly to see the words and thoughts I had about this matter 1.5 years ago. I felt that it would be valuable to report my current feelings and thoughts about alcohol and life in general.
First off, I didn't manage to keep my sobriety, but the frequency of my drinking did go down and alcohol became less and less of an issue which made me think that I was on the right path. About 9 months ago I took LSD with a couple of friends of mine which completely changed my life. Long story short it made me release that I need other people, I need friends and most of all, I need help. I had previously gone through life with an intense wall around me preventing anyone from knowing who I really was thus making me completely alone. I believe some of my previous posts clearly shows how desperate I was at not only to contain my shame, but to prevent people from truly knowing me:
I have in the past nine months gone through a massive change and I've finally clearly realized why I became depressed and why I so easily turned to alcohol for a 'quick fix'. I've now taken off my armor and shown completely vulnerability towards my friends and told them about my history and my issue with alcohol. Doing this took immense strength and courage at first, but gradually became easier. In this process I gradually started feeling that I was no longer alone in my issue and I could finally feel that there are people out there that know who I really am. What kind of surprised me was that my thoughts revolving alcohol changed rather dramatically and soon after my desire to drink alone vanished and I can actually understand why.
A friend of mine is studying psychology and he has given me tremendous help. He says that addiction is almost always treated as a symptom of something bigger rather than just a cause and that makes perfect sense to me, why become addicted to something if your life is 100% fulfilling? I had lived my life inside an armor, every feeling I had went through a filter to prevent my true self of shining through. I had a fixed idea of who I wanted to be and everything I did and said reflected this facade or mask that I constantly wore. I remember what I liked so much about alcohol when I first started drinking and that was the conversations that I could have with people. I remember it being a complete eye-opener, being able to have real conversations about things that really matter, being open and honest about what was dear and important to people. To me alcohol was a way of being that I could not allow myself to be when sober, to just stop being sensitive to what people think of me and rather just do and say what I really felt like doing or saying. Alcohol has a way to make people emotionally driven, to be selfish in a way that makes true feelings shine through. Now that I have satisfied this deep need while sober, I no longer desire alcohol other than as a social gimmick (as most people do). I do no longer fear alcohol and there is not a particle in me that fear that I will end up as an alcoholic, I can even drink in front of my friends without feeling like a hypocrite and this feels totally amazing! Another point to make is that I no longer feel anxiety the day after that I know so many of you do I could hate myself for months on end after saying something stupid while drunk, even though the things I might have said was just a bagatelle, not even remembered by the person I spoke to. I think the reason for this well-known anxiety is because of I was used to speaking through a filter, overly sensitive to other peoples opinion of me and anxious about showing my true emotions. Alcohol did what I tried not to do while sober, show my true emotions. Now that I'm being myself and completely genuine around everyone, alcohol doesn't make me show something that I wouldn't have while sober so there is no longer an anxiety connected in doing so.
I know that there's a genetical component to alcoholism and that's probably why alcohol became my "drug of choice", but I firmly believe that the feelings alcohol gave me was feelings that already resided inside me, feelings that I had buried by being and living the way I was. Thank you
First off, I didn't manage to keep my sobriety, but the frequency of my drinking did go down and alcohol became less and less of an issue which made me think that I was on the right path. About 9 months ago I took LSD with a couple of friends of mine which completely changed my life. Long story short it made me release that I need other people, I need friends and most of all, I need help. I had previously gone through life with an intense wall around me preventing anyone from knowing who I really was thus making me completely alone. I believe some of my previous posts clearly shows how desperate I was at not only to contain my shame, but to prevent people from truly knowing me:
One positive thing about my drinking is that sertain criterias has to be met. No one must know that I'm drinking, if I believe that anyone would have any suspisions I wouldnt drink at all.
Going to a AA meeting sounds very smart, but I'm very opposed of doing so. I live in a small town and I just can't bare meeting someone I know there (if that were to happen). I guess I could go to a meeting in a neighboring town though, but I wan't to wait a little with this.
I have in the past nine months gone through a massive change and I've finally clearly realized why I became depressed and why I so easily turned to alcohol for a 'quick fix'. I've now taken off my armor and shown completely vulnerability towards my friends and told them about my history and my issue with alcohol. Doing this took immense strength and courage at first, but gradually became easier. In this process I gradually started feeling that I was no longer alone in my issue and I could finally feel that there are people out there that know who I really am. What kind of surprised me was that my thoughts revolving alcohol changed rather dramatically and soon after my desire to drink alone vanished and I can actually understand why.
A friend of mine is studying psychology and he has given me tremendous help. He says that addiction is almost always treated as a symptom of something bigger rather than just a cause and that makes perfect sense to me, why become addicted to something if your life is 100% fulfilling? I had lived my life inside an armor, every feeling I had went through a filter to prevent my true self of shining through. I had a fixed idea of who I wanted to be and everything I did and said reflected this facade or mask that I constantly wore. I remember what I liked so much about alcohol when I first started drinking and that was the conversations that I could have with people. I remember it being a complete eye-opener, being able to have real conversations about things that really matter, being open and honest about what was dear and important to people. To me alcohol was a way of being that I could not allow myself to be when sober, to just stop being sensitive to what people think of me and rather just do and say what I really felt like doing or saying. Alcohol has a way to make people emotionally driven, to be selfish in a way that makes true feelings shine through. Now that I have satisfied this deep need while sober, I no longer desire alcohol other than as a social gimmick (as most people do). I do no longer fear alcohol and there is not a particle in me that fear that I will end up as an alcoholic, I can even drink in front of my friends without feeling like a hypocrite and this feels totally amazing! Another point to make is that I no longer feel anxiety the day after that I know so many of you do
I could hate myself for months on end after saying something stupid while drunk, even though the things I might have said was just a bagatelle, not even remembered by the person I spoke to. I think the reason for this well-known anxiety is because of I was used to speaking through a filter, overly sensitive to other peoples opinion of me and anxious about showing my true emotions. Alcohol did what I tried not to do while sober, show my true emotions. Now that I'm being myself and completely genuine around everyone, alcohol doesn't make me show something that I wouldn't have while sober so there is no longer an anxiety connected in doing so.I know that there's a genetical component to alcoholism and that's probably why alcohol became my "drug of choice", but I firmly believe that the feelings alcohol gave me was feelings that already resided inside me, feelings that I had buried by being and living the way I was. Thank you
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