22 years old, worried about the future
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
22 years old, worried about the future
Hi. I've been thinking of making a thread in a forum like this for quite some time as I feel pretty hopeless about my drinking. It's not that I drink that much or that it has any serious consequences for my life, it's more the worrying about the future. I'll explain further.
I started drinking when I was 18 years old and I immediately liked it. Going to partys became the number 1 happenings in my every day life, but it was not like I wanted to drink every day, there had to be a social happening to make drinking valid. I moved out a year after and started studying. It was here I discovered how to drink alone. One day I bought 18 beers (0.33l) because we had plans on going out. When this didn't happen, I started drinking alone and it was like a little boys christmas. I remember feeling so good, could just smile to myself in the mirror, punch the wall out of pure excitement of what the evening had in store. I believe the reason for this was that I was playing World of Warcraft, a social game where I meet other people playing other characters constantly. Another reason was that I was more connected to the drug, I knew exactly how much I had drunk and I could constantly remind myself of my own high (not when beeing on a party when I often forget about the feeling when beeing busy talking to people). This started to progress and within a few months I was drinking every second day or so. Started off with beer, wen't on to 0.7l of 40% vodka and finally 1l vodka. This is when I started questioning this behaviour and where it would lead.
I wen't home for christmas and interrupted this pattern I had developed. When I came back after christmas I remember beeing glad that I had stopped this drinking and didn't drink for a couple of weeks, but then it started again. After a while I began to get real concerns about it and I really wanted to limit the drinking. I said I would drink once a week and I some times managed to keep it, but it wasn't easy. This is the point where it wen't pretty black though.
I fell into a deep depression, something that felt very out of the blue as I don't really have anything to be depressed about. I lost all types of feelings making it equally fun to watch the wall than to watch the television. Getting dressed in the morning was very difficult, it could often take 2-3 hours before doing so. I also remember beeing afraid of going to the store, like I would just collapse somewhere. Strangely enough this made the alcohol consumptions to go down. The desire to drink vanished the same way all other desires did. Drinking didn't make it any better either, it was just completely neutral. The only positive thing about drinking during that period was that it was easier to forget about time.
This forced me to move back home to my parents. This was about half a year later and I had gotten myself to a more moderate depression. It would take another 1.5 years before I came completely out of it and felt that life was worth living again. I have allways felt shame about drinking and it is extremely importaint that my family doesn't know that I drink alone, same goes for most of my friends. For this reason it's extremely hard to continue that drinking pattern I had in the past, but the desire is still stronger than ever. For the last couple of years I have been drinking with friends, once a week at first and now it can go 3-5 weeks in between (people are growing up, drinking every time possible isn't as attractive for us as it were when we were 18 years old). This is all fine and good, but I can't live with my parents forever and I have no way of preventing my drinking once I move to myself again. I also find drinking with friends far less attractive than drinking alone. The last year or so I have simply drunk too much when out, allways longing for a afterparty, more alcohol and then coffie to keep going. This leads to far more alcohol than I would drink alone aswell as doing stupid things and finally two days of beeing hungover with a really bad conscience.
During my depression I wen't to a psychiatrist and I must say that I learned a lot about myself and we possibly concluded that the drinking could be the cause of my depression. It is definitely a corelation between my drinking and depression, whether it is the cause or not is not sertain. If this is the case though it would make it so much more importaint to not drink. My psychiatrist told me some things I could do to be more aware of my drinking, but I'm afraid I had allready done what he proposed. I have written pros and cons about it, written "reports" while I'm drunk stating my current mood (to try and be more aware of what I'm actually feeling rather than the feelings i remember the next day) and so forth. I can't say that this has helped any.
One positive thing about my drinking is that sertain criterias has to be met. No one must know that I'm drinking, if I believe that anyone would have any suspisions I wouldnt drink at all. Another criteria is that I can play World of Warcraft. If this game for some reason isn't available I don't drink. Bad thing is that unless I toss out my computer or cut off the internet, this game will be there
One last example of my desire to drink happened just recently. My parents had plans on going on a holiday and this made my eyes shine up like stars. I started counting days, started planning the upcoming evening, I even cleaned my room so that everything would feel just right. But then it happened, the very day before, they canceled the trip. It was so hard to not act disappointed when I in reality felt like crying (literally). Everything felt so dark and I struggeled to try and focus on other enjoyable things in the weeks to come.
I feel that I'm pretty aware of myself and I'm good at reflecting my own thoughts. I'm also glad that I understand the potential of this desire to drink (I see many people in my age that drink every day without understanding what it could lead to). The problem is that I have no defenses to it, I have no idea of what to do to not end up a alcoholic in the future. Do I really have to drink myself into an abyss to finally take measures that could work? My psychiatrist said that we all have ups and downs, but that we live for these ups. Stop drinking would be to simply cut off these tops and a strong part of me disagrees with that. A part of me thinks it's worth it, that the joy I feel when I drink is the joy that I am living for. Even if I often feel this way it doesn't help the fact that there is no future in drinking every day and the joy will disappear (as some of it allready has).
It felt good to just write this down
I started drinking when I was 18 years old and I immediately liked it. Going to partys became the number 1 happenings in my every day life, but it was not like I wanted to drink every day, there had to be a social happening to make drinking valid. I moved out a year after and started studying. It was here I discovered how to drink alone. One day I bought 18 beers (0.33l) because we had plans on going out. When this didn't happen, I started drinking alone and it was like a little boys christmas. I remember feeling so good, could just smile to myself in the mirror, punch the wall out of pure excitement of what the evening had in store. I believe the reason for this was that I was playing World of Warcraft, a social game where I meet other people playing other characters constantly. Another reason was that I was more connected to the drug, I knew exactly how much I had drunk and I could constantly remind myself of my own high (not when beeing on a party when I often forget about the feeling when beeing busy talking to people). This started to progress and within a few months I was drinking every second day or so. Started off with beer, wen't on to 0.7l of 40% vodka and finally 1l vodka. This is when I started questioning this behaviour and where it would lead.
I wen't home for christmas and interrupted this pattern I had developed. When I came back after christmas I remember beeing glad that I had stopped this drinking and didn't drink for a couple of weeks, but then it started again. After a while I began to get real concerns about it and I really wanted to limit the drinking. I said I would drink once a week and I some times managed to keep it, but it wasn't easy. This is the point where it wen't pretty black though.
I fell into a deep depression, something that felt very out of the blue as I don't really have anything to be depressed about. I lost all types of feelings making it equally fun to watch the wall than to watch the television. Getting dressed in the morning was very difficult, it could often take 2-3 hours before doing so. I also remember beeing afraid of going to the store, like I would just collapse somewhere. Strangely enough this made the alcohol consumptions to go down. The desire to drink vanished the same way all other desires did. Drinking didn't make it any better either, it was just completely neutral. The only positive thing about drinking during that period was that it was easier to forget about time.
This forced me to move back home to my parents. This was about half a year later and I had gotten myself to a more moderate depression. It would take another 1.5 years before I came completely out of it and felt that life was worth living again. I have allways felt shame about drinking and it is extremely importaint that my family doesn't know that I drink alone, same goes for most of my friends. For this reason it's extremely hard to continue that drinking pattern I had in the past, but the desire is still stronger than ever. For the last couple of years I have been drinking with friends, once a week at first and now it can go 3-5 weeks in between (people are growing up, drinking every time possible isn't as attractive for us as it were when we were 18 years old). This is all fine and good, but I can't live with my parents forever and I have no way of preventing my drinking once I move to myself again. I also find drinking with friends far less attractive than drinking alone. The last year or so I have simply drunk too much when out, allways longing for a afterparty, more alcohol and then coffie to keep going. This leads to far more alcohol than I would drink alone aswell as doing stupid things and finally two days of beeing hungover with a really bad conscience.
During my depression I wen't to a psychiatrist and I must say that I learned a lot about myself and we possibly concluded that the drinking could be the cause of my depression. It is definitely a corelation between my drinking and depression, whether it is the cause or not is not sertain. If this is the case though it would make it so much more importaint to not drink. My psychiatrist told me some things I could do to be more aware of my drinking, but I'm afraid I had allready done what he proposed. I have written pros and cons about it, written "reports" while I'm drunk stating my current mood (to try and be more aware of what I'm actually feeling rather than the feelings i remember the next day) and so forth. I can't say that this has helped any.
One positive thing about my drinking is that sertain criterias has to be met. No one must know that I'm drinking, if I believe that anyone would have any suspisions I wouldnt drink at all. Another criteria is that I can play World of Warcraft. If this game for some reason isn't available I don't drink. Bad thing is that unless I toss out my computer or cut off the internet, this game will be there
One last example of my desire to drink happened just recently. My parents had plans on going on a holiday and this made my eyes shine up like stars. I started counting days, started planning the upcoming evening, I even cleaned my room so that everything would feel just right. But then it happened, the very day before, they canceled the trip. It was so hard to not act disappointed when I in reality felt like crying (literally). Everything felt so dark and I struggeled to try and focus on other enjoyable things in the weeks to come.
I feel that I'm pretty aware of myself and I'm good at reflecting my own thoughts. I'm also glad that I understand the potential of this desire to drink (I see many people in my age that drink every day without understanding what it could lead to). The problem is that I have no defenses to it, I have no idea of what to do to not end up a alcoholic in the future. Do I really have to drink myself into an abyss to finally take measures that could work? My psychiatrist said that we all have ups and downs, but that we live for these ups. Stop drinking would be to simply cut off these tops and a strong part of me disagrees with that. A part of me thinks it's worth it, that the joy I feel when I drink is the joy that I am living for. Even if I often feel this way it doesn't help the fact that there is no future in drinking every day and the joy will disappear (as some of it allready has).
It felt good to just write this down
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: London
Posts: 109
Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you are aware that they way you drink is not healthy. One of the first things I learned in recovery that its not the amount you drink, it's the WAY you drink that is the problem. You mentioned what a powerful effect alcohol has on you. It's good that you are aware.
I got sober for the first time when I was 20 (for 3 months), and it took me until I was 27 before I tried again. I'm trying not to dwell on the past, but I could have achieved so much in those 7 years.
In my opinion there is nothing you can do to stop yourself from becoming an alcoholic, if you already know you have a problem. My own experiences taught me that although I could modify my behaviour when I was drinking, I had no control over the frequency or amount I was drinking. Over the years although my behaviour was better and I was better at hiding my drinking, the amount I was drinking got worse year on year.
I would recommend that you try going to an AA meeting, just to see what it is like. It really opened my eyes. I found that I could identify with a lot of what people were saying. I knew I drank more than I should but I hadn't considered that I could be an alcoholic before I went to a meeting. Although I'm not doing the 'programme' (12 steps) I find attending the meetings really helpful. It also enables me to socialise with people who aren't drinking.
Well done for sharing, I wish you the best of luck.
I got sober for the first time when I was 20 (for 3 months), and it took me until I was 27 before I tried again. I'm trying not to dwell on the past, but I could have achieved so much in those 7 years.
In my opinion there is nothing you can do to stop yourself from becoming an alcoholic, if you already know you have a problem. My own experiences taught me that although I could modify my behaviour when I was drinking, I had no control over the frequency or amount I was drinking. Over the years although my behaviour was better and I was better at hiding my drinking, the amount I was drinking got worse year on year.
I would recommend that you try going to an AA meeting, just to see what it is like. It really opened my eyes. I found that I could identify with a lot of what people were saying. I knew I drank more than I should but I hadn't considered that I could be an alcoholic before I went to a meeting. Although I'm not doing the 'programme' (12 steps) I find attending the meetings really helpful. It also enables me to socialise with people who aren't drinking.
Well done for sharing, I wish you the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR.
Thanks for sharing. Your post was very interesting. I can relate to a lot of it, especially this:
One of the reasons I put off drinking for so long was that I thought it was what I lived for - those moments when I was 'happy' and letting my hair down and escaping reality for that short period of time. I thought that was where I was my happiest... I thought I deserved those moments, and that they were my reward for getting through the week. Whenever I felt anxious, sad, lonely, bored, excited, happy, I thought alcohol made everything better, or made the happiness even greater. For all of those reasons I put off quitting, because my idea of life without that in it was boring and bleak.
The reality couldn't be more different - I now actually feel things, I know how to cope with boredom, happiness, sadness and excitement without needing alcohol to make me feel like it was 'real' or 'OK' (hard to explain)
The joy you feel when you drink is not a real, sustainable joy and it isn't something that creates anything of any worth or meaning. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true - whether you are an alcoholic, having drinking problems or if you are just a normal drinker. Alcohol shouldn't be that important to you, it shouldn't be the only thing that causes you joy.
When I quit my depression lifted, I started living my life properly - my ambitions came back and my soul came back, I started to realise the person I was being wasn't who I really was, deep down inside, and for that reason I learned to like who I was and am now creating a future for myself which I am happy to look forward to.
You don't have to live like this any longer. Alcohol doesn't have to control your emotions in the way it does.
A sober life can be as fulfilling and enjoyable, if not more so (definitely more so) than a drunk one.
If you ever need support, SR is here for you.
Wishing you all the best.
Thanks for sharing. Your post was very interesting. I can relate to a lot of it, especially this:
A part of me thinks it's worth it, that the joy I feel when I drink is the joy that I am living for. Even if I often feel this way it doesn't help the fact that there is no future in drinking every day and the joy will disappear (as some of it allready has).
The reality couldn't be more different - I now actually feel things, I know how to cope with boredom, happiness, sadness and excitement without needing alcohol to make me feel like it was 'real' or 'OK' (hard to explain)
The joy you feel when you drink is not a real, sustainable joy and it isn't something that creates anything of any worth or meaning. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true - whether you are an alcoholic, having drinking problems or if you are just a normal drinker. Alcohol shouldn't be that important to you, it shouldn't be the only thing that causes you joy.
When I quit my depression lifted, I started living my life properly - my ambitions came back and my soul came back, I started to realise the person I was being wasn't who I really was, deep down inside, and for that reason I learned to like who I was and am now creating a future for myself which I am happy to look forward to.
You don't have to live like this any longer. Alcohol doesn't have to control your emotions in the way it does.
A sober life can be as fulfilling and enjoyable, if not more so (definitely more so) than a drunk one.
If you ever need support, SR is here for you.
Wishing you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Talgar, if you go to some open AA meetings in your area you will hear your story told repeatedly.
You will think someone was following you and making up a story to talk about you.
You are telling my story.
All the best.
Bob R
You will think someone was following you and making up a story to talk about you.
You are telling my story.
All the best.
Bob R
Trudger of Happy Destiny
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 1,918
Thank you for sharing your story. You sound a lot like me. I can definitely relate to my highs and lows revolving around drinking.
It seems you are aware there is a potential problem. It is not going to fix itself of you are truly alcoholic. Only you can decide that and if you are going to do something about it.
My question is, what are you going to do with this wealth of self-knowledge about your condition? For me, knowing it was a problem wasn't enough. I needed solutions that I couldn't provide on my own.
It seems you are aware there is a potential problem. It is not going to fix itself of you are truly alcoholic. Only you can decide that and if you are going to do something about it.
My question is, what are you going to do with this wealth of self-knowledge about your condition? For me, knowing it was a problem wasn't enough. I needed solutions that I couldn't provide on my own.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi and welcome Talgar
There's some great advice here.
Believe me, you do not have to drink yourself into an abyss. You do need to take some action tho, more than simple self awareness, if you want to stop.
There are millions of people out there who live life to the full, are full of joy and enjoy the 'tops' - without drinking.
You can be one of them too
D
There's some great advice here.
Believe me, you do not have to drink yourself into an abyss. You do need to take some action tho, more than simple self awareness, if you want to stop.
There are millions of people out there who live life to the full, are full of joy and enjoy the 'tops' - without drinking.
You can be one of them too
D
Fellow Traveler and Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 2,408
Great post. Thanks for sharing that.
Great responses too.
All I can say that wasn't so much the self-knowledge, but that gut instinct and past experience, that led me to see that I was developing a problem. I would read up on alcoholism, I would burn through therapists, I would gobble up books on the topic...all very useful, but I still drank. I looked for tell-tale patterns, I broke down my usage, I monitored my usage. I tried to codify and contain my drinking, hoping that I wouldn't be an alcoholic. But my gut told me otherwise. Looking at my drinking habits told me otherwise. I was getting worse and worse, yet still looked at it in different ways to offset what was obvious to me.
I say this because you have a lot of self-knowledge and history that you have accumulated. You have "criteria" for your drinking, which somehow makes it a positive thing. All I know is that I don't have a criteria for my cauliflower eating...so the fact that you have created that, and are here discussing it brings me to believe that you are concerned very much about your drinking, and there is no longer a positive spin you can put on it. I know because i tried for years to do the same thing (i.e. at least I haven't wrecked the car!, etc)
It gets worse. There is no doubt about that. You don't have to be living in a cardboard box drinking mouthwash to seek recovery. Don't wait. check out a meeting, or investigate other recovery methods. AA saved my bacon, and I got way past the road you are on now. Others here and in AA can attest the same.
Good luck
Great responses too.
All I can say that wasn't so much the self-knowledge, but that gut instinct and past experience, that led me to see that I was developing a problem. I would read up on alcoholism, I would burn through therapists, I would gobble up books on the topic...all very useful, but I still drank. I looked for tell-tale patterns, I broke down my usage, I monitored my usage. I tried to codify and contain my drinking, hoping that I wouldn't be an alcoholic. But my gut told me otherwise. Looking at my drinking habits told me otherwise. I was getting worse and worse, yet still looked at it in different ways to offset what was obvious to me.
I say this because you have a lot of self-knowledge and history that you have accumulated. You have "criteria" for your drinking, which somehow makes it a positive thing. All I know is that I don't have a criteria for my cauliflower eating...so the fact that you have created that, and are here discussing it brings me to believe that you are concerned very much about your drinking, and there is no longer a positive spin you can put on it. I know because i tried for years to do the same thing (i.e. at least I haven't wrecked the car!, etc)
It gets worse. There is no doubt about that. You don't have to be living in a cardboard box drinking mouthwash to seek recovery. Don't wait. check out a meeting, or investigate other recovery methods. AA saved my bacon, and I got way past the road you are on now. Others here and in AA can attest the same.
Good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Wow, I really appreciate the comments. This topic is usually not spoken about at all and with the few friends I am talking about it to, it's not the kind of replys I get here. I was afraid of that I hadn't gotten "far enough" on the road to alcoholism in order to get support, that some of the people in here that has far bigger problem than mine would just overlook my issue, but I was wrong
I can really relate to this. I read and I learn about alcoholism in general as well as my own drinking, but it's not helping.
I know it's not that the alcohol reaches new heights of joy, I know I have experienced same level (and higher) of joy before without it. When I first started drinking it wasn't like alcohol gave me happiness I had never before felt and I still looked equally forward to holidays, christmas etc. I guess alcohol has lowered the joy those other things or at least made me think that the joy isn't as great. Even if the actual high isn't as good, the expectation and the joy of looking forward to drinking is still out of control and far exceeds any other event.
I need to find joy that can compare with the joy of alcohol in other places. If I don't, it's going to be very hard to find motivation to quit drinking So if I can ask anyone of you who have quit drinking, did you find this joy? Or do you still feel that nothing can match the alcohol?
All I can say that wasn't so much the self-knowledge, but that gut instinct and past experience, that led me to see that I was developing a problem. I would read up on alcoholism, I would burn through therapists, I would gobble up books on the topic...all very useful, but I still drank. I looked for tell-tale patterns, I broke down my usage, I monitored my usage. I tried to codify and contain my drinking, hoping that I wouldn't be an alcoholic. But my gut told me otherwise. Looking at my drinking habits told me otherwise. I was getting worse and worse, yet still looked at it in different ways to offset what was obvious to me.
I know it's not that the alcohol reaches new heights of joy, I know I have experienced same level (and higher) of joy before without it. When I first started drinking it wasn't like alcohol gave me happiness I had never before felt and I still looked equally forward to holidays, christmas etc. I guess alcohol has lowered the joy those other things or at least made me think that the joy isn't as great. Even if the actual high isn't as good, the expectation and the joy of looking forward to drinking is still out of control and far exceeds any other event.
I need to find joy that can compare with the joy of alcohol in other places. If I don't, it's going to be very hard to find motivation to quit drinking
So if I can ask anyone of you who have quit drinking, did you find this joy? Or do you still feel that nothing can match the alcohol?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
I found that, once I stopped drinking, my perception of myself and the world changed Talgar....not changed overnight mind, but pretty quick considering...by 3 months or so I was beginning to look at the world through new eyes
I hope it's not too poetical but I find joy in a multitude of things now - friends, family, my partner, playing and listening to music, exercise...
even small things can bring me joy now - flowers blooming, birds flying, children laughing...
I've recaptured that feeling I used to have as a child - that today was limitless in possibility.
I like who I am, I love my life and I'm at peace.
It's a great feeling...and all I needed to do to start the process was stop drinking
D
I hope it's not too poetical but I find joy in a multitude of things now - friends, family, my partner, playing and listening to music, exercise...
even small things can bring me joy now - flowers blooming, birds flying, children laughing...
I've recaptured that feeling I used to have as a child - that today was limitless in possibility.
I like who I am, I love my life and I'm at peace.
It's a great feeling...and all I needed to do to start the process was stop drinking
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Alcohol isn't joy. It's a temporary chemically induced false sense of wellbeing followed shortly by real life.
Today I enjoy the real life and know the alcohol for what it is.
Here is a short text from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you may enjoy it:
"THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Today I enjoy the real life and know the alcohol for what it is.
Here is a short text from the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you may enjoy it:
"THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
The world is an amazing place with endless possibilities and wonders. There are joys and pleasures that are too many to list. There is no one for whom this potential is better suited than the young and eager.
"A part of me thinks it's worth it, that the joy I feel when I drink is the joy that I am living for."
Take it from an old man; don't let your great big world get so small that it fits in a bottle!
You are smart enough to see the cliff, don't fall off.
Best wishes,
Jon
"A part of me thinks it's worth it, that the joy I feel when I drink is the joy that I am living for."
Take it from an old man; don't let your great big world get so small that it fits in a bottle!
You are smart enough to see the cliff, don't fall off.
Best wishes,
Jon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Alcohol isn't joy. It's a temporary chemically induced false sense of wellbeing followed shortly by real life.
Today I enjoy the real life and know the alcohol for what it is.
Today I enjoy the real life and know the alcohol for what it is.
Question is how long that will take.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 249
Hey Talger,
Interesting post. You have a lot of self-knowledge about your condition. But, as you have begun to realize, self-knowledge alone will not cure alcoholism. I relate a lot to you because I drank alone 99% of the time during my drinking years. For years I would drink alone every single night. Yes ... I said it ... every single night! There was a time when my drinking habits were similar to yours and never thought I would be anything like what I was towards the end of my drinking.
I wasn't able to get sober and stay sober until I got involved in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). You should find an AA meeting nearby you (they have many meetings in most cities out there). In AA you will find out that all of the self-knowledge in the world will not stop you from drinking or looking forward to drinking (in your case). An alcoholic cannot both control and enjoy drinking at the same time. It sounds like you are trying to do a ton of controlling with your drinking but not enjoying it at all. In fact you say you are depressed and down a lot.
You will need something greater than yourself to quit drinking for good. It sounds cheesy but it's true. You will need other alcoholics to talk to. You will need to start living a more spiritual life in order to become physically, mentally, and emotionally sober. It sounds like you may be physically sober a good amount of the time ... but you definitely don't sound mentally or emotionally sober. This is where living a more spiritual life can be the solution to all of that.
Go check out some AA meetings and I think you will find someone you can relate to there.
Interesting post. You have a lot of self-knowledge about your condition. But, as you have begun to realize, self-knowledge alone will not cure alcoholism. I relate a lot to you because I drank alone 99% of the time during my drinking years. For years I would drink alone every single night. Yes ... I said it ... every single night! There was a time when my drinking habits were similar to yours and never thought I would be anything like what I was towards the end of my drinking.
I wasn't able to get sober and stay sober until I got involved in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). You should find an AA meeting nearby you (they have many meetings in most cities out there). In AA you will find out that all of the self-knowledge in the world will not stop you from drinking or looking forward to drinking (in your case). An alcoholic cannot both control and enjoy drinking at the same time. It sounds like you are trying to do a ton of controlling with your drinking but not enjoying it at all. In fact you say you are depressed and down a lot.
You will need something greater than yourself to quit drinking for good. It sounds cheesy but it's true. You will need other alcoholics to talk to. You will need to start living a more spiritual life in order to become physically, mentally, and emotionally sober. It sounds like you may be physically sober a good amount of the time ... but you definitely don't sound mentally or emotionally sober. This is where living a more spiritual life can be the solution to all of that.
Go check out some AA meetings and I think you will find someone you can relate to there.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hey Talgar. I felt compelled to reply to this post of your's as I related so strongly to it. You remind me of myself somewhat and how I felt about booze and how it made me feel. You sound like an intelligent person and you recognise the power of the feelings that alcohol gives to you. Like you, I also recognised that too and for me I knew that ultimately for somebody who reacted to booze like that, then alcohol would ultimately strip me of everything. There simply could never be any other way!
So comes the heartbreaking realisation that to continue drinking is to further feed the beast and lose more and more, or to give it up and in so doing, lose the thing that is giving you the experience that you look forward to the most in life. It's the hardest thing I ever did in life but the most worthwhile and rewarding too! What helped me was accepting that I'm alcoholic and in reading your post that further reafirms that to me - most people simply don't get so attached to a chemical and it soesn't become the source of pleaure trumping all other's. But that's for you to decide, all I can say is acceptance of that fact really helped me.
Depression/alcoholism/heavy drinking/call it what you will, all go hand in hand and my experience is that I have never met an alcoholic who wasn't depressed! It stands to reason really and I guess it's another reason why the booze seems so hard to give up as it seems worth taking the drinks to at least experience some relief. When I actually look back though there was an awful lot of suffering and not much happiness! Also sitting alone and drinking myself into a coma is the behaviour of somebody who is deeply unhappy!
Anyway, I just wanted to post to say that I relate and that a sober life is indeed a great life providing you put the work in and work at recovering. Programs like AA are great for this and SR helps me immensely. I guess spirituality is the thing that can ultimately fill the void and is the program that I worked and work, but this is a personal journey and can mean very different things to different people. Ultimately, I try to live gratefully, treating other's with respect, staying free from resentments, and generally staying positive and I find this brings rewards much greater than drinking alcohol and taking drugs ever could. It is a real sense of achivement and happiness and it's a life which people respect me for rather than losing respect when they see me blackout drunk staggering to the shop in the morning to get a drink.
All the best and recovery takes time and effort but it is worth it. Drinking takes no time and no effort and consequently gives no rewards.
Peace
So comes the heartbreaking realisation that to continue drinking is to further feed the beast and lose more and more, or to give it up and in so doing, lose the thing that is giving you the experience that you look forward to the most in life. It's the hardest thing I ever did in life but the most worthwhile and rewarding too! What helped me was accepting that I'm alcoholic and in reading your post that further reafirms that to me - most people simply don't get so attached to a chemical and it soesn't become the source of pleaure trumping all other's. But that's for you to decide, all I can say is acceptance of that fact really helped me.
Depression/alcoholism/heavy drinking/call it what you will, all go hand in hand and my experience is that I have never met an alcoholic who wasn't depressed! It stands to reason really and I guess it's another reason why the booze seems so hard to give up as it seems worth taking the drinks to at least experience some relief. When I actually look back though there was an awful lot of suffering and not much happiness! Also sitting alone and drinking myself into a coma is the behaviour of somebody who is deeply unhappy!
Anyway, I just wanted to post to say that I relate and that a sober life is indeed a great life providing you put the work in and work at recovering. Programs like AA are great for this and SR helps me immensely. I guess spirituality is the thing that can ultimately fill the void and is the program that I worked and work, but this is a personal journey and can mean very different things to different people. Ultimately, I try to live gratefully, treating other's with respect, staying free from resentments, and generally staying positive and I find this brings rewards much greater than drinking alcohol and taking drugs ever could. It is a real sense of achivement and happiness and it's a life which people respect me for rather than losing respect when they see me blackout drunk staggering to the shop in the morning to get a drink.
All the best and recovery takes time and effort but it is worth it. Drinking takes no time and no effort and consequently gives no rewards.
Peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Thanks again for the replys.
This was a brilliant way of putting it. You are absolutely right, I am physically sober, but not mentally. I like to trick myself into believing that I don't have a problem since I don't drink that often anymore, but on a mental stage, the alcohol is still dominating.
I know the rational and only answer is to stop drinking. The warning signs can't be missed and I don't think that I can ever control alcohol. Even if I was able to reserver it for special occations, I think it would be agonizing and I don't know how long it would last. Even if I know what I have to do, it's extremely hard to do so. This just further shows the problem I have I feel that I'm in a battle between my rational and emotional side.
I have been hanging around in the forums and on the chat and I must say that even if I knew I had a problem before, it has come far more apparent to me these last couple of days. Going to a AA meeting sounds very smart, but I'm very opposed of doing so. I live in a small town and I just can't bare meeting someone I know there (if that were to happen). I guess I could go to a meeting in a neighboring town though, but I wan't to wait a little with this.
In the chat someone proposed that I could quit drinking for a year and then bring the question back up after 365 days. This could perhaps show me what benefits sobriety has for me. Quit drinking for one year is a much more appealing thought than to quit forever. I think I will give this a go after new years eve and then stay here on the forums and chat for support and updates
If I can look equally forward to eating pizza, Christmas and holidays as I do to drinking, my life would be wonderful That would make me equally happy as I was when I was when I was 15 years old. If I find this to be true after one year of sobriety it would mean the world.
About faith and religion. I am not a spiritual or religious person so I can't hand this problem over to God. I have to find strength in myself for this
It sounds like you may be physically sober a good amount of the time ... but you definitely don't sound mentally or emotionally sober
I know the rational and only answer is to stop drinking. The warning signs can't be missed and I don't think that I can ever control alcohol. Even if I was able to reserver it for special occations, I think it would be agonizing and I don't know how long it would last. Even if I know what I have to do, it's extremely hard to do so. This just further shows the problem I have
I feel that I'm in a battle between my rational and emotional side. I have been hanging around in the forums and on the chat and I must say that even if I knew I had a problem before, it has come far more apparent to me these last couple of days. Going to a AA meeting sounds very smart, but I'm very opposed of doing so. I live in a small town and I just can't bare meeting someone I know there (if that were to happen). I guess I could go to a meeting in a neighboring town though, but I wan't to wait a little with this.
In the chat someone proposed that I could quit drinking for a year and then bring the question back up after 365 days. This could perhaps show me what benefits sobriety has for me. Quit drinking for one year is a much more appealing thought than to quit forever. I think I will give this a go after new years eve and then stay here on the forums and chat for support and updates
If I can look equally forward to eating pizza, Christmas and holidays as I do to drinking, my life would be wonderful
That would make me equally happy as I was when I was when I was 15 years old. If I find this to be true after one year of sobriety it would mean the world.About faith and religion. I am not a spiritual or religious person so I can't hand this problem over to God. I have to find strength in myself for this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
Okay. I decided on the 23. of december to stop drinking for a while to see how it was. It has been almost five weeks now and I must say that I still think about alcohol almost every day. I have certain counter-thoughts to this though. I often imagine myself completely wasted and going to bed. When I've drunk in the past the 'high' is usually very much over when I go to bed, I often feel bad as well so trying to put myself into this mindset helps somewhat. I also think of all the times I've said things I've regretted saying while drunk. I force myself to thinking "I'm so glad I will never say anything stupid while drunk again" and I find this comforting as well. This doesn't help the fact that what I desire the most is to drink alone and I'm not saying or doing anything stupid towards other people while drinking alone.
I feel sad that I don't have anything to look forward to (for more than 1-2 days) anymore as alcohol was the only thing I could look forward to weeks in the future. My question is to those of you who have quit completely. How long did it take before you went a day or a week without having any moments where you deeply desired to drink?
I feel sad that I don't have anything to look forward to (for more than 1-2 days) anymore as alcohol was the only thing I could look forward to weeks in the future. My question is to those of you who have quit completely. How long did it take before you went a day or a week without having any moments where you deeply desired to drink?
CastAwayWolf
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: West Virginia
Posts: 84
Talgar,
The feelings you are experiencing since you quit drinking are what some folks call "dry drunk". It means that even when you aren't drinking you are still obsessing over alcohol and spending a lot of time thinking about it, talking yourself out of it etc.
I went through this each time I tried to stop as well. I would encourage you to still not drink and eventually the feelings go away. Try to go to an AA meeting or at least go to a bookstore or online and get a copy of the AA manual (big book) and start reading it. If you read the manual it will feel like somebody wrote a book about you!
Best wishes and hang in there, you are not alone or the first person to go through this affair.
The feelings you are experiencing since you quit drinking are what some folks call "dry drunk". It means that even when you aren't drinking you are still obsessing over alcohol and spending a lot of time thinking about it, talking yourself out of it etc.
I went through this each time I tried to stop as well. I would encourage you to still not drink and eventually the feelings go away. Try to go to an AA meeting or at least go to a bookstore or online and get a copy of the AA manual (big book) and start reading it. If you read the manual it will feel like somebody wrote a book about you!
Best wishes and hang in there, you are not alone or the first person to go through this affair.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Talgar 
My question is to those of you who have quit completely. How long did it take before you went a day or a week without having any moments where you deeply desired to drink?
But I drank for over thirty years.
Wish I had quit at 22.
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