Ollie909

Great to read your writing again NC.
I'm still here as well as you, trying and failing, and this time for sure,etc.
It's good to have a forum like this. I like it. Otherwise I wouldn't have known anything about you and many others with the same issues.
When you drink, how far does it go? Do you get really smashed or just mellow? Since your out of town I doubt your driving.
I don't know. You post here, but a half a bottle of wine isn't an alarm ringer in my opinion. Where are you in the scheme. Just wondering

DoinThis

Did u enjoy it NC? I had nearly 3 months and had 2 evenings with wine and didn't even enjoy it but kept at it. Part of me wishes I could have at least enjoyed it but then there is the motivation to continue with sobriety, alc doesn't even work for me anymore...

Veritas1

Hi NC.

I am listening to an AA speaker by the name of Bob B. from Minnesota.

As I read your last post, you talked about firing the counselor if they got too close, pushing others away, etc.

Bob talks about how we teach people how to talk to us, what they can say, what they can't say.

How we build a wall around us.

How AA tears down the wall as we open up and tell our story to eachother, and begin to change.

He called all of this "fear of change".

He said we have fear to change, so we grow, we fail, we grow, we fail, we are good at starting over...but we never finish the race.

I don't know if this speaks to you or not.

I will find the talk and post a link in case you would like to listen.

Hope you are doing well.

Veritas1

^^^

AA Speakers Tapes Free Speaker Downloads

Bob B. from Minneapolis, MN speaking at the Florida State Convention in Palm Harbour, FL

Hi again, it took me awhile to find it. He talks about fear of change about 3/4 of the way through his talk.

He has many talks, and I hope you hear something helpful.

Obladi

Past tense.
I like this.

NobleCause

half a bottle of wine works well for me for a couple of days or so. a minuscule buzz and a feeling of self righteousness. 'see?', i think, 'just like everyone else'… and then a song comes on and the mood strikes and i start to think about what else i can get my hands on. and then i go for it, so long as i promise myself that i'll get to work on time in the morning, keep my appointments. morningside, waking up late and yanking on a poorly curated outfit, i think about how helpful a swift drink would be. just a nip or two to re-center, re-humanize, and then out the door. when i get to work, finally, i feel dazed and like a fraud, so i think mostly of the waiting relief of that evening's first drink, which, by early afternoon, feels long overdue. this one is trickier, as i'm surrounded by colleagues, but i manage to sneak it in. i cancel plans and create excuses because my nights have become dedicated to drinking in hiding. the joy is less in the buzz, and more in the release from the compulsion. an itch to scratch. aside from being a tad pathetic in its own right, this routine serves only to further cement my isolation and bolster the need to keep drinking. and so i do. this goes on and suddenly it would seem that a half of a bottle of wine wasn't ever just a half of a bottle of wine in my hands. eventually i get loaded and sad enough to get the nerve to call an addictions psychologist. i'll bet it wasn't the world's best first impression, but i have an appointment set for next week.

CowboyTim

Good luck, Noble. I admire your thoughtfulness, self-analysis and compunction to keep trying. You ARE serious about sobriety.

Ollie909

Thanks for your post NC
for stating exactly what your experiencing.
Looking forward to hearing more. I understand.
Not any words or preaching I have. You know
what you have to do.

Noro

NobleCause, good luck. Good for you, making the call for an addictions psychologist. I hope it helps. Keep us posted. We're all rooting for you!

RobbyRobot

Yeah, you got it going on, again, Nobel. Awesome. You know, for me, when first getting away from my drunkeness, just the effort to do so really impressed me with just how much I hated being drunk. The other thing, is I too made use of the services of an addiction psychologist. I soon discovered my best way forward thru the sessions was to help the psychologist help me help myself. You know what I mean. I hope for you success, Noble. In your efforts, you're already there.

NobleCause

yeah, not many feelings more foolish than getting drunk while hating it. yet there it is. getting in my last licks this weekend, and getting ready to do again what i know i have to do. feels like a good week for a fresh start.

ReadyAndAble

Happy new week, NC. What day is your appointment?

Lenina

Noble Cause,

Are you ready to quit drinking? For a while I was in that Netherland where I knew drinking was hurting me, it wasn't working for my purpose any longer and that I should quit. I was hating it but I just couldn't make a committment to quit. Even though I could see the progression and knew it wasn't going to get better on its own, I just couldn't make that commitment.

finally I did. I use Rational Recovery and AVRT. You might want to give it a read. Here's the link to the first thread you might find helpful.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html

Let me know what you think. And thanks for posting!

Love from Lenina

NobleCause

work intervened, so instead of a tomorrow appointment, i've now got an end of next week appointment. decided to buck the odds in the meantime and give myself a running start, and i've just about closed out on 24 hours clean. miserable day, nothing hurts like detox. or serves as better proof that this thing is real.

instant

Admitting defeat is the only winning move NC. Let the body take the pain and set your soul free.

ReadyAndAble

How you feeling, NC?

For whatever it's worth, I also have found a lot to like in AVRT. I hope you check out the link Lenina posted.

NobleCause

a bit better, thanks for asking. kind of shuffling between relief, for having made it this far, and despair, for feeling as sickly as i do. there are thoughts of a drink, but i'm closer to being well with each sober minute, and i'm ready to get going with it. can't keep putting myself thru detox.

i will give the link a look. i've given avrt a glance or two in the past, but it deserves more attention.

NobleCause

thanks for this - used it as a mantra in a tough spot yesterday. it worked.

NobleCause

some days, being sober makes no sense to me whatsoever. i feel the pull of getting loaded and burn a ton of time and energy keeping it at bay. words come slowly, feelings are clumsy, and i find myself staring down the forbidden aisle at the grocery store, wondering why i can't be more grateful. i hide, just like i hide when i'm drinking, and i wonder if my experience wouldn't be better if i traded the needless pain of abstinence for a more comfortably designed plan of harm reduction. it would be nice, i think, to disappear.

and then on some days sobriety feels important, it feels correct. like the single most important thing that i can possibly do to be the person i'd like to be. i take responsibility for how i engage with the world, i smile. i breathe deep, i hang with the full experience, and i find the richness in it all, both the good and bad. i recognize my good fortune and i try, truly, my best. these are the freedom days, when i can welcome the challenge in the morning and go to bed proud.

today fell into the latter category and yesterday into the former. the roller coaster of one week clean.

awuh1

Nobelcause I must confess to a degree of discomfort with these long threads. Doubtless this is due to the fact that they remind me of a time when my thinking was much the same as yours. It was a long and tortuous period when I could not come to terms with the nature of my problem. My periodic drinking salted periods of abstinence just enough to render neither quite enjoyable on a consistent basis. It was slow torture as I held onto the notion that a solution had to be of my own making. I am reminded of that time.

If my guess is correct, it is about 2 years since your DUI. You are still periodically drinking and have not found a long term answer to this problem, yet this is certainly not for lack of effort. It’s time to try something new, something that has worked for others. It would truly warm my heart to see a post saying you had gone to an AA meeting. Not because I think it’s the only way, nor even necessarily the best way for you (or anyone else), but because it would signify a fundamental change in the direction of your search.

Selfishly, given my overactive sense of empathy, it would also be less painful.