falling off the wagon.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by awuh1 
You are still periodically drinking and have not found a long term answer to this problem, yet this is certainly not for lack of effort. It’s time to try something new, something that has worked for others. It would truly warm my heart to see a post saying you had gone to an AA meeting.
Nonetheless, I do hear you speaking from your experiences, awuh. Awesome. That's how it works,
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by NobleCause
some days, being sober makes no sense to me whatsoever. i feel the pull of getting loaded and burn a ton of time and energy keeping it at bay. words come slowly, feelings are clumsy, and i find myself staring down the forbidden aisle at the grocery store, wondering why i can't be more grateful. i hide, just like i hide when i'm drinking, and i wonder if my experience wouldn't be better if i traded the needless pain of abstinence for a more comfortably designed plan of harm reduction. it would be nice, i think, to disappear.
Originally Posted by NobleCause
and then on some days sobriety feels important, it feels correct.
like the single most important thing that i can possibly do to be the person i'd like to be.
i take responsibility for how i engage with the world, i smile. i breathe deep, i hang with the full experience, and i find the richness in it all, both the good and bad.
i recognize my good fortune
and i try, truly, my best.
these are the freedom days,
when i can welcome the challenge in the morning
and go to bed proud.
today fell into the latter category and yesterday into the former.
the roller coaster of one week clean.
like the single most important thing that i can possibly do to be the person i'd like to be.
i take responsibility for how i engage with the world, i smile. i breathe deep, i hang with the full experience, and i find the richness in it all, both the good and bad.
i recognize my good fortune
and i try, truly, my best.
these are the freedom days,
when i can welcome the challenge in the morning
and go to bed proud.
today fell into the latter category and yesterday into the former.
the roller coaster of one week clean.
I hated and loved early sobriety too. I surely hated being drunk even more, and so, eventually, ever closer, sobriety wins, yeah, lol.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Good to see you posting Robby. If anyone knows about change right now it’s you. You continue at your computer attempting to help despite recent major surgery.
I see a long term solution for NobleCause as well, but the current painful dance, much like my own at one point, may be protracted. It may also be harmful to her or others, just as continued drinking has been for countless other bright, well-spoken successful alcoholics.
I would not suggest change for the sake change alone, but merely that she listen to different music.
I see a long term solution for NobleCause as well, but the current painful dance, much like my own at one point, may be protracted. It may also be harmful to her or others, just as continued drinking has been for countless other bright, well-spoken successful alcoholics.
I would not suggest change for the sake change alone, but merely that she listen to different music.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by awuh1
Good to see you posting Robby. If anyone knows about change right now it’s you. You continue at your computer attempting to help despite recent major surgery.
I see a long term solution for NobleCause as well, but the current painful dance, much like my own at one point, may be protracted. It may also be harmful to her or others, just as continued drinking has been for countless other bright, well-spoken successful alcoholics.
I would not suggest change for the sake change alone, but merely that she listen to different music.
I see a long term solution for NobleCause as well, but the current painful dance, much like my own at one point, may be protracted. It may also be harmful to her or others, just as continued drinking has been for countless other bright, well-spoken successful alcoholics.
I would not suggest change for the sake change alone, but merely that she listen to different music.
Well, my recovery is very physical at this point, awuh, so I'm at a higher level of experience typing away then merely attempting whatever, lol.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
NC, you have the gist of the problem figured out, that is to say the constantly shifting state of resolve to stay stopped. That whole roller-coaster of thoughts and feelings is quite normal. At times the resolve is strong and at others we're saying to ourselves " I quit for this, what the hell was I thinking about".
The first year of my recovery I went thru that a lot but over time it gradually fades out to the point that it's no longer an issue. The main thing is that you are aware that these feelings are a normal part of the ebb and flow of the desire to quit for good. Don't forget that just as the brain chemistry adapted to the use of mind altering substances it will also adapt to a life free of all of them. It will normalize over time, but you have to give it time.
I think that most of the answers you seek already lye within you. We all must find our own path and as Robby said "Dance to the music as we hear it".
The first year of my recovery I went thru that a lot but over time it gradually fades out to the point that it's no longer an issue. The main thing is that you are aware that these feelings are a normal part of the ebb and flow of the desire to quit for good. Don't forget that just as the brain chemistry adapted to the use of mind altering substances it will also adapt to a life free of all of them. It will normalize over time, but you have to give it time.
I think that most of the answers you seek already lye within you. We all must find our own path and as Robby said "Dance to the music as we hear it".
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
Again, you have spoken to my own early experiences with quitting drinking, and getting past the wreckage of the collective damage done by the historic drinkings.
NC, you have an uncanny ability to capture the madness of addiction and desire for recovery. Polished prose and unvarnished truth. You're so perceptive, and so brutally honest, it's almost painful to watch you train that spotlight on yourself.
But I understand awuh's point. That keen self-awareness is nothing new. Neither is the desire to regain your freedom. And so I find myself in the very unusual position of disagreeing with Rob: I think it might be vitally important to expand the net, explore new tools, and to keep exploring until you find the right set. Or to use his metaphor, until you find the right ship. But note my use of the word "might." You alone are in a position to inspect the ship you're in, and gauge her readiness.
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
I know it's a bumpy ride right now, NC, but you are most certainly worth the effort. Once you're free of this, I hope you give some consideration to writing or public speaking. I think that insight of yours could be of enormous value to others.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by awuh1
Nobelcause I must confess to a degree of discomfort with these long threads. Doubtless this is due to the fact that they remind me of a time when my thinking was much the same as yours. It was a long and tortuous period when I could not come to terms with the nature of my problem. My periodic drinking salted periods of abstinence just enough to render neither quite enjoyable on a consistent basis. It was slow torture as I held onto the notion that a solution had to be of my own making. I am reminded of that time.
If my guess is correct, it is about 2 years since your DUI. You are still periodically drinking and have not found a long term answer to this problem, yet this is certainly not for lack of effort. It’s time to try something new, something that has worked for others. It would truly warm my heart to see a post saying you had gone to an AA meeting. Not because I think it’s the only way, nor even necessarily the best way for you (or anyone else), but because it would signify a fundamental change in the direction of your search.
Selfishly, given my overactive sense of empathy, it would also be less painful.
If my guess is correct, it is about 2 years since your DUI. You are still periodically drinking and have not found a long term answer to this problem, yet this is certainly not for lack of effort. It’s time to try something new, something that has worked for others. It would truly warm my heart to see a post saying you had gone to an AA meeting. Not because I think it’s the only way, nor even necessarily the best way for you (or anyone else), but because it would signify a fundamental change in the direction of your search.
Selfishly, given my overactive sense of empathy, it would also be less painful.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Southington, CT
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
NC, when those periods of sadness come on and you see release and relief in alcohol have you ever tried to shift your thoughts to the horrific side of drinking?
Thank you, i will keep this in my heart!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by Deserto
How you doing NC?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Be very careful NC, the repeated detox/sober cycles do take their toll, it's like Hunter Thompson said about the edge, there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. You're an awesome person, people that don't even know you want to see you beat this thing. The only real way to quit the trips to the haunted house is to quit buying the tickets.
Think about it this way, if you could buy peace of mind, joy, happiness and all the good things and the price tag was one year of dull, boring, uninteresting and maybe even doing a program of some sort would you buy it? Even if you don't find those things overnight they will come in time. I wish you all the best that life has to offer NC and I know you'll never find it in the haunted house so burn the dam thing down!
Think about it this way, if you could buy peace of mind, joy, happiness and all the good things and the price tag was one year of dull, boring, uninteresting and maybe even doing a program of some sort would you buy it? Even if you don't find those things overnight they will come in time. I wish you all the best that life has to offer NC and I know you'll never find it in the haunted house so burn the dam thing down!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by SSIL75
Appreciate you checking in. 
appreciate you guys checking in on me as well.
pulling the cobwebs out of my head and dragging myself back from the shadows one last time, still a bit nervous about the lost time over the last few days, but whatever the repercussions, i'll deal with them as they reveal themselves.
like a broken record, i swear never again. really tho, i will never drink again.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
With all due respect NC, are you going to rely on your will power again? Without any other sort of plan? I’m sorry to be a gadfly about this but I would rather be irritating, and promote some real change in your MO, than to see you eventually get yourself or someone hurt. It’s happened once. Does it need to happen again (in that, or some other form of harm)?
You’re presumably posting on this forum because you want help and input from the folks here. You have received a tremendous amount of support, yet you persist in utilizing the same failed method over and over.
It’s time to try something that’s not completely of your own invention. Something that has worked for others. Something with a reasonable chance of success.
If I’m wrong about any of this, please, PLEASE tell me. Get angry with me. Call me names, tell me I’m full of sh*t. I can take it. In fact I think I would prefer it to seeing you attempt the “self-will method” yet again. PM me and rant. Email me and tell me where to go……. Anything…….. but do it different this time, try something that has worked. Please...?
You’re presumably posting on this forum because you want help and input from the folks here. You have received a tremendous amount of support, yet you persist in utilizing the same failed method over and over.
It’s time to try something that’s not completely of your own invention. Something that has worked for others. Something with a reasonable chance of success.
If I’m wrong about any of this, please, PLEASE tell me. Get angry with me. Call me names, tell me I’m full of sh*t. I can take it. In fact I think I would prefer it to seeing you attempt the “self-will method” yet again. PM me and rant. Email me and tell me where to go……. Anything…….. but do it different this time, try something that has worked. Please...?
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