SummertimeHigh5

I would rather not know. I am 44 years old like I have said before. Nobody ever seems to answer my posts but that is ok. By being ableto get on here and vent, it makes me feel so much better either way. Since I have turned 44 in January I have been having more problems than I have ever had in my entire life. I was almost on my 4th day without drinking and actually really did not have any desire to but lately (the last 10 months have been the worst part of my life imaginable. NOTHING but bad luck and that is to putting it mildly). Later on, maybe but way, way to much to explain really fast. Well, I lost my job in June of 11 years and the one before that I had for almost 10. I have yet to be able to find employment since and I have a great and stable job history. Nobody else can seem to xplain why nobody will hire me even P/T either. I am talking. NOTHING! Well, practically everything else after that has just kept going downhill. Nothing positive whatsoever. I am being totally serious too. My lanlord who I has never gotten his rent late from me, I am quiet, I mind my own business and am a neighbor sends me a letter stating that he is hiking my rent an extra $55.00. I am BARELY (even sometimes have to have help) paying my rent as it is. He knows my situation too. I had just briefly discussed it with him two weeks ago (however, he isgetting his money and it is and has always been ON TIME. Normally two weeks early). I do not get all into my personal business with this man and I do not care about his either but this, my friends, was the cherry on top of the cake. I cannot afford to move right now and I certainly cannot pay that kind of rent starting next month. What do you do?

SummertimeHigh5

OH UHM! I had wine last night because of this. No. Not blaming him but I just did not know how to deal with it because I have not been that upset since I have been sober. Now I feel like a failure because I failed when I should have just dealt with something that I could not change no matter what. I just did not want to feel the extra pain.

aasharon90

44 yrs. may seem older to the younger
generation, but for those, like I who is
50ish, 44 is not old at all.

At 50ish i feel extremely young. I act
young, think young, healthy, alive, sober
and free.

I dont know ur story and wanted to
know why you are afraid of going to
the doctor.

Continue to share as someone will
definitely connect with ur own situation
and as you begin ur sober journey, look
forward to promises stated in our Big Book
of Alcoholic Anonymous coming true or
materialize as we work for them by staying
sober.

Even finacial difficulties.

sunrise1

44 is young!

Drinking will never make the situation better... and I know how it feels to want to "get away" from yourself and from situations, but I cannot emphasize enough how important your sobriety must be to you above all else and in all situations.

What is your plan for not drinking? Do you follow any particular program?

Dee74

I'm sorry you're having problems with your landlord, with the rent, and with finding work, SH5 - so many people are having problems nowadays with the economy the way it is.

I hope others with more knowledge of the American situation than I do will have some advice for you

I know drinking is about the worst thing you can do. Drinking's not a solution, it's just a way to make the current situation worse.

I wish you luck finding a job or finding somewhere cheaper to live.

As for the Dr - yeah thats scary - but I recommend that too - especially if there's something you're worried about. You'll likely find things are not as bad as they seem

D

SummertimeHigh5

Ok. Here goes. This may be a bit long and I apologize for all of my typo's because I do type fairly fast but do not have spellcheck and sometimes my posts can be kind of lengthy so I just take a quick jaunt over them rather than read them entirely over again. I have been drinking since I was about 14 or 15 years old. No. Not like I did as I had gotten older. Seems like the older that I have gotten throughout life the more that I have drank. Normally 3.2 Bud Light. The last few months before I had quit drinking I was drinking red wine (750ml) a night for about a month and then before that I had this thing with Vodka and tonic. THAT is when I had started noticing bad things happening although I had only drank that for about a month because I had a boyfriend who drank it with lime and I liked the taste but even though I have drank beer for so long and the mixed liquor for such little amt of time the (mixed liquor, wine and stronger beer) was right around the time I turned 44 this past year. My ankles and feet started swelling up. I stopped and the swelling went way down but not completely. My legs were so sore I could feel them just by sitting on the couch. That is all gone. I have not had anymore hard alcohol since (1 and a half months is all that I had drank any of this different alcohol then my birthday came and went and about 2 weeks later is when I seen all of this happening. Some reactions were slower than others). However about a month before that I got on this Rumplemintz kick for about the equal amt of time and quit that too. YUCK! It was good at the time though. Anyhow, I have been peeing orange (it has gotten lighter but I have gotten a bladder/UTI infection because my urine was so strong so I had to take Azo if anyone is familiar with that (it is a brown pill that helps but colors your pee) so there is no real way to tell what the heck right now. All of my friends are telling me that I look bad but I feel so much better since I have quit drinking. I have been just kinda of trying to hang out to see if I quit drinking for about a month if my color will get better because I do not have the medical insurance to be going to the Dr and getting all of these blood tests... etc. Not to mention I do not want to hear the worst. I would rather just wait and see. I absolutely do not have the $ right now and that is just not a cop out. I promise. If I had the insurance I probably would be scared chitless but would go ahead and do it. I cannot get myself more in debt than I already am and the clinics here that they have are grotesque and you have to wait forever from what I hear. Anyhow, here are my symptoms.... swollen feet, ankles and when they are not swollen my knees are. My feet and ankles are the only things that are painful when swollen. I have NEVER EVER retained water bfore this either. My abs are starting to pooch a bit more but only after I eat. When I have drank a lot I am sick to my stomach. When I do not drink for a few days, I can eat a gallon of ice cream and be happy (well, you know). The whites of my eyes have gotten yellowish but not so much my skin. To ME, it seems the longer that I do not drink the better that I look and feel. I have known people with liver problems and they were way more malfunctional than myself but there is just something about the the first three days after drinking. I have even had my liver hurt. Only a few times and it is normally when my stomach is full. I am just getting so worried because everyone else is so worried. If they only knew how much that their worrying scared me and how scared that I already am, they would quiet down for a bit. I know what I am doing doing incorrectly and what I have to do correctly but they scare me so bad I just want to cry. I am trying super duper hard and I would not have even drank wine last night if it wasn't for more horrible stress. I think that I am doing pretty well on my own to be quite honest. Better than I thought that I would anyhow. Also, My menstrual cycle has gone away but I may be pre meno too because I normally have a period every month but never the same time and have not had once since....drum roll.....JANUARY! You all, I am being completely honest with you. Perhaps, I should attend a few A.A meetings. I am honestly doing better than I thought that I could ever do alone without treatment because of insurance purposes and was so happy until I got to the end ofmy last rpe last night. Not fair! Why did I have to go and drink wine. Now I feel like I am back square one. I did so good too.

LDT

Summertime......like aasharon90 said.....44 is NOT old.....wish I had gotten sober at 44. Thankfully I am now. I was like you, terrified of going to the doctor because of what I thought I would learn about my health. I was also so embarrassed that someone else would know just how badly I had let things slip. Is that what you're afraid of? I eventually ended up in the emergency room (several times) and then my dirty little "secret" was out. I was in bad shape.....liver damage, ulcers, heart problems, etc....all the things alcohol can do to a body. But the good news is.....once I got sober I started to regain my health. All my vitals and blood work now are perfect! The moment you stop drinking is the moment you start on the road to a healthy life. Your body has amazing healing abilities.

Special note to aasharon90.....glad to read a post from a "50ish" fellow Louisianian....I'm 2 hours to your West!

SummertimeHigh5

Example. I am 5'0 and weigh about 100 lbs. I just measured right above my knee (bottom of thigh) and it is 14". You can normally see my ankle bones but guess what? They are about 9.5" in diameter. The top of my arms are normally a stronger lookinging and they are small, skinny, loose skin.... YUCK! They are about a 6.5" in dia. Also, The fat on my legs is lumpy looking. Not like cellulite but just all uneven. i have never seen nothing like this at all and just last Memorial weekened, people were telling me how nice that i looked. It is like i turned into the grossest person overnight. I have never seen anything like this before. I am definitely and have never been the type of woman who has been coceited. However, I have always felt fairly comfortable inside my own skin. How can it go downhill that fast and that bad with the bad luck to boot in this little amount of time. I am not a bad person. Sheesh! I do not wish me on anyone. This realy sucks. i surely hope that I am going to live. I am not ready to go yet. i want to be sober a long time and fun and eat lotsa cotton candy, ride roller coasters, swim and go 4 wheelin and get mud everywhere...

aasharon90

Riding a real rollercoaster at an amusement
park is fun and so much better than being on
one with alcohol or drugs.

Emotional, physical, spiritual rollercoaster
rides of ups and owns takes a toll on one
wearing them down, exhaustion, completely
bankrupt.

When i began drinking i emotionally stopped
growing. And i was young. When I stopped
drinking at the age of 30, i was really emotionally
old as young as i started drinking.

At 50ish now, im still quite young emotionally.
And because of that, I think, act, behave as young
as I feel. So....when u put the plug in the jug and
begin ur journey in recovery not drinking a day
at a time, you will begin to feel young and the number
of yrs you have will just be a number.

50ish is just a number.

2granddaughters

I was 45 when i came to recovery. I'll be 68 shortly.

AA saved my life and it can save yours if you show up for the meetings.

I was told to attend AA meetings as often as I used to drink !!!!! Geez, do I have to go that often ??!! ... only if you want to recover.

Please go to "a few" meetings and see what's happening there... it will change your life.

All the best.

Bob R

I'm quite emotionally young too, Sharon. I didn't have a very happy childhood but I sure had a long one ....
Love and respect. Bob

GrowingDaily

I'm not going to give you medical advice, but I do have some background in the arena. The symptoms you describe are consistent with a host of issues common to alcohol abuse, affecting organs including, but not limited to, the pancreas, liver, &/or gallbladder.

In other words - you're very likely killing yourself. And one of these days, you're likely to wake up with symptoms that don't go away. Because you've permanently damaged yourself beyond repair. And then it's too late. Ask me how I know.

I understand your concerns regarding health insurance. If you do have a condition which requires expensive treatment, then being diagnosed now sets you up for being declined for coverage in the future. But - if you don't seek treatment now - you may very well be ignoring a serious condition. What you do in that regard is obviously something you'll have to work out for yourself, but the one thing you can do - that you HAVE TO DO - is stop drinking NOW. And stay that way. Even one drink is flirting with disaster, at least until you get checked out.

sugarbear1

I can't tell if you are sober or not, but it helps to stay stopped from drinking. I am 50 and I now have 10 and 1/2 months of sobriety. It can be done. I use the program of AA. Today I am never alone.

I wish you peace,

Dee74

None of us can diagnose you over the internet SH - seeing a Dr is the best way to make sure you're ok and to put your fears to rest

Many places in the US now have free or low cost clinics - I hope you'll check them out...the ER is always an option too

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search

D

Anna

Summertime, I really hope that you find a way to go to a dr with your symptoms. I think it would do you good emotionally to know what's going on physically.

RunnerMD2be

Summertime. Your symptoms sound very concerning...if you wait and see you might not get the chance to quit. You really should see a medical professional. You could DIE. Jaundice (yellow eyes) is a strong indicator of a serious problem, which cannot be diagnosed online. We don't want to scare you, but you are very likely ignoring something wrong with your body. It may not be permanent...but the guarantee is that it won't get better if you continue drinking. Bodies heal, but only if you give them the chance.

You definitely have come to the right place. You deserve a long productive life. Give AA a chance, or some other program. Find something that works for you and get involved so you can live happy, joyous, and free.

dawnrunner

"The whites of my eyes have gotten yellowish but not so much my skin. To ME, it seems the longer that I do not drink the better that I look and feel. I have known people with liver problems and they were way more malfunctional than myself but there is just something about the the first three days after drinking. I have even had my liver hurt. Only a few times and it is normally when my stomach is full. I am just getting so worried because everyone else is so worried."

I have to say this: Your post reminds me so much of the messages I received from my older brothers, who both died of alcoholic cirrhosis, in the 2 years leading up to their deaths.

They both thought their skin conditions were due to something else. They both thought that their yellow eyes were a function of something their physicians had failed to diagnose ("Those doctors don't care about me!"). They both in the end founded a hope on a liver transplant. They were not viable candidates. They're dead.

thelastgoodbye

Summertime, I am sorry things are going so badly for you at the moment, but it's time to put a cork in the bottle and see your doctor. It's the only way to move forward.

I wish you the best. Living in fear is not living.

BlueMoon

Suck it up and get to the clinic! Find out one way or the other what's going on with your body. The clinic may not have all the amenities + you may have to wait - but the price is right and you are worth the time spent. Don't mess with your health when you know something is not right - you can't always get it back when it's gone - believe me. Could you be pregnant?

and YES, an AA meeting might not be a bad idea. Couldn't hurt to check out a few . . . AA has helped me tremendously.


Blue

SummertimeHigh5

This is me right here. NOW, do you know why I am so afraid? Everyone is afraid and I am definitely NOT denying my problem. HOWEVER, I am not ready to die. I have all of your brother's symptoms and THAT my friend, is why I am afraid to go to the Dr. I know that you are just trying to help but I really did not need to hear that.

SummertimeHigh5

My dad died of cirhossis when he was 39 years old. So to me, 44 is not too young. I have no idea how he acted or even looked. He was a mean drunk and we were all afraid of him. I never seen him because thankfully he lived hrs away from us. I have my energy and everything but it scares the crap out of me because I am scared and so is EVERYONE else! People have told me that my arms are skinny and my eyes are yellow. Skin isn't too bad from what I see anyhow. I like to look at my eyes in the miorror in my bedroom because they look white again like they did a few months ago. This all just started a few months ago. My hugest thing is that my legs are retaining a TON of water. They have never done that before. I have not had a menstral cycle in a few months either and I honestly doubt if I am prgnant because if I were, I definitely would not be far enough along to be retaining water in my legs like this. Seems to be worse right when I wake up. I am supposed to go to the Dr. on Tuesday. That is when the free Dr. will be there. Until then, I am going to go stay with my ex and he is going to watch over me. I am staying at home toight and will go to his house tomorrow. I need to get my taxes done first though. They are normally already done but I think that this year I am going to owe on them. I so do not have time for all of this. What a P.I.T.A. My fault though.