MarkstheSpot

I’ve been a long-time lurker here but I’ve never joined. That’s partly because I’m lucky and nowhere near the kind of rock bottom I often read about on here, and it would have felt a bit fraudulent of me to join in, like complaining about your stubbed toe to an amputee. It still does, in a way. But it’s also partly because I usually visit when I’m in the grip of a hangover, full of self-loathing and the desire to change – and those feelings tend to wear off along with the hangover.

Normally, that is, although I’m not sure it’ll wear off quite so quickly today, because I really let myself down last night. I won’t go into details but it’s a story that begins at lunchtime and ends early evening and involves plenty of witnesses to my shame. Of course I don’t remember much of it, but my wife filled me in on the details and they’re pretty grim. By far the worst of them is that I embarrassed, upset and frightened our little boy. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been drunk in front of the children before; I have, but never to the extent where it’s been unpleasant for them. So that’s an unwelcome new development, to say the least. No, it’s probably not ‘rock bottom’, but it certainly feels like a new low, and along with usual self-hatred, today I can’t help but feel that I’ve broken something somehow, that can’t ever be mended.

The really galling thing is that I didn’t drink a thing between September and December of last year. After a previous regrettable incident (I lurch from one to the other), I gave up – I took up running, I lost loads of weight, I was feeling pretty good about myself for a change – and when I started having the odd drink again I was determined it wasn’t going to get bad again. But of course it creeps up on you, doesn’t it? From the odd one, and a, ‘hey, I can take it or leave it!’ attitude I was pretty soon back to the stage of planning drinking and thinking about it all the time. Recently I’ve been feeling a bit – I don’t know – downtrodden, useless, a bit controlled and there was definitely an element of ‘f*** you’ involved in last night’s antics. As I say, I don’t remember much, but I do remember feeling that. Like a fool, I compounded things by trying to brazen it out this morning, joking about it, as well as indicating that the drunkenness was part of a general malaise and unhappiness in my life. Maybe it is, but some things are better left unsaid.

So anyway, I feel truly terrible, really, really wretched. I’m back on the wagon, and I thought I’d join up to post this, bookmark it and read it every now and then to remind myself why I’m on the wagon: it’s because I want to be a good father and husband, and a good man, and unfortunately I’m unable to be those things and drink as well. I thank you for reading and wish you the very best of luck with your own battles.

Mark

Matterhorn

I have read this before and lived it. I was at that stage you are at now prior to hitting my rock bottom. I just got sick and tired of all the baggage that comes with drinking...so I stopped. It has been 6 or 7 months now and I don't miss it. I do have the urge for a cold brew from time to time; but a cold brew, I know, turns into a 12 pack in a short period of time. I then think of the misery that drinking put me in and those thoughts of a drink go away. Good luck on the wagon and stay on it...you will be a happier and content person.

langkah

See how things go. If you decide to drink and keep it in limits but don't, or if you decide to stop and don't stop those are clues there's more to this than you can effect with a simple decision.

If you decided not to buy a cheese grater you'd likely not find yourself bringing home another cheese grater to toss in the closet already full of them.

That would imply a problem that would entail getting some kind of help. You might ever join a forum to read up and talk with people who haven't bought a cheese grater for a very long time to see how they did that. If within a few days or months you find the graters stacking up again, testing the limits of the closet then that would be a clue more of an answer is required.

Good luck with this, hope you are able to work things out with a little light reading.

Zebra1275

So that’s an unwelcome new development, to say the least. No, it’s probably not ‘rock bottom’, but it certainly feels like a new low,

I recognize this pattern.

If you keep drinking it's possible that yesterday's events won't really seem too bad compared to the new lows that await you. The good news is that you don't have to take the elevator all the way down to the basement.

MsJax

The thing is Marksthespot, is you may not be as bad as many but you could make this latest event your tipping point, your rock bottom. You obviously aren't happy with what happens when you drink & it sounds like you do know that you can't control it. Think how nice it would be to know you never have to feel like this again~the regret, embarrassment, hangover...

Also, as a side note & maybe this only helps me, but~I do not call it "on the wagon" as I feel that denotes some sort of temporary status. Something you can get off of.

Very best wishes to you in sobriety and peace for you and your family.

frances2011

Welcome to SR Mark! So glad you posted.

My experience is that I quit drinking because I got sick and tired of the cycle of regret and self-loathing. My experience is that my low wasn't as catastrophic as others but it was plenty bad enough for me.

I absolutely love what you said that I quoted about. This is true for me too. I chose myself, my husband, and my family over alcohol.

dawnrunner

If there is anything worse than putting hurt, shame, and sorrow in the eyes of one's own son, I don't want to experience it (again).

This is my rock bottom and I wish I could say I had only been there once. My boys are grown up now and our relationship is in a state of ongoing repair, but every now and then I get a vivid memory so painful that it makes me cry out.

Best wishes to you that you don't pile up as many memories of this nature as I have.

MarkstheSpot

Thank you so much everybody. It is definitely a problem for me and has been for years if I'm honest. But I've always been quite adept at pulling it back from the brink. Like, I've endangered jobs and relationships because of it, but never lost them. I've been in trouble with the law because of it, but nothing too serious. I've had a trip to the hospital because of it, but again nothing too serious.

But this has been over twenty-plus years and equally, I've met some great friends because of it, and there's no way I would have had the balls to approach my wife if I hadn't been drunk. There are so many doors that will close by not drinking.

But sorry, I'm thinking out loud here. Every reply has hit a chord with me. I think I do need to see this as rock bottom -- rock bottom 'for me' -- lose the booze and get on with my life.

SSIL75

I used to think I wasn't 'that bad', either. It's only now in my sobriety that I'm honest enough with myself about how serious/severe my addiction was. I suspect you will find the same thing. Best of luck.

johnny2times

"There are so many doors that will close by not drinking".

not really, there still open, plus there's a thousand other ones that open when you do quit the booze...trust me

whatya worried about mate?

MarkstheSpot

I almost feel as though I have to cling onto all the pain I'm feeling right now, because I know that in a few months' time, it's going to be a distant memory, and I'll be thinking about drinking again.

frances2011

My worst moments helped me remember in the first few months that my sobriety was in fact a fragile thing that needed constant care and support.

I made not-drinking my top priority and consciously acquired tools to help me deal with hard things sober.

Those moments are now a part of my Never Again past.

Reading SR every day keeps me humble and inspires me to have the life I want and can now achieve.

johnny2times

no need to hang on to that pain really, in a few months time you'll feel like a new man, 10 times better than the man you were in your drinking, plus if you get with AA and learn the tools of recovery then you'll be completly freed of those worrying thoughts or obsessions of drinking again, try it, it works mate...it really does!
best wishes

MarkstheSpot

Thanks -- I went to AA once, but it wasn't for me. I certainly like the idea of a being a better man, though.

Cathy31

Hi Mark
That's a bad enough rock bottom don't you think?? Mine wasn't as bad as that!!! That's why in AA we are encouraged to identify and not compare. Whilst I never did what you described I can relate to the feelings you describe. AA got me sober. I hope you choose a form of action and get well. Life is so beautiful? How bad do you want it to get?
Cathy31
X

SSIL75

This never worked for me. The attraction to all the wonderful things that sobriety brings me, however, was effective in keeping me sober.

I used Rational Recovery. If you google 'AVRT' you can read through the 'crash course' and see if it helps you, too.

I have children, too. Parenting as an active alcoholic was heartbreaking.

sugarbear1

Have you tried AVRT? Take a read at their website and see if you can start practicing what they are doing. Working a program of recovery is something we can do for ourselves and our loved ones.

Every rock bottom can have a new rock bottom as it always gets worse. Real "rock bottom" is death.

If anything, write down the times that weren't pleasant for you in your drinking, you suggested at least 2 in your post. Do you really need 3? Or do you already have 3 occasions to relate to? Make a time line of your life and include these situations. 3 is a pattern.

Have you asked your wife or children how they view you when you've been drinking? Find out what they feel and how they would like you to be. You'll be surprised if you are willing to listen to what they say without being defensive.

Now is a great time to quit drinking and to be a real adult. Be that awesome dad and husband you signed up for!

I wish you wonderful sobriety! Let us know how that AVRT goes for you!!!!!

desertsong

Lots of great advice here, MarkstheSpot. You don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump. There are lots of "bottoms" you could hit that you haven't ... yet. As a mother, though, I can't think of a better one than the fact that you scared your child. As impressionable as kids are, things like that can make a lasting impression. Thankfully, they are also resilient; if you stop now, you have a good chance of putting this behind both of you. I hope you stick to your resolve, and I'm glad you're here. Welcome!

MarkstheSpot

The problem I have with that (at the moment anyway) is that alcohol to me represents a kind of freedom. Obviously I'm now deciding that the price for it is too high, but even so -- I can't think of sobriety as bringing me wonderful things, just the absence of bad things. No troughs but no peaks either. Where I am now, it looks dark in both directions.

sugarbear1

I can't think of sobriety as bringing me wonderful things, just the absence of bad things. No troughs but no peaks either. Where I am now, it looks dark in both directions.

Wow. I believe this negative view (yes, I hear the negativity) can be changed to positivity with staying stopped from drinking. Give time time. All things are truly possible in sobriety. Your view of the world will become clearer. We don't realize the damage alcohol causes in ourselves while we are still under the influence, which, to me, includes early withdrawal period (even if we aren't physically dependent, we are definitely mentally dependent, hence the negative view).

Try 60 days of sobriety, it's not much, but the world does change in 2 short months of sobriety. True freedom exists when we don't "need" alcohol (we defend our drinking by thinking we don't need it and use words such as alcohol to me represents a kind of freedom which we know is malarkey.

Yes, I have read similar posts like this before. You aren't alone!
Stay stopped. Your view can and will change! Let your body heal from the damage.

Peace,