Whats going on with me? What should I expect?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Whats going on with me? What should I expect?
Hello everyone. I just joined this website. I am 48 years old. Male. European background. I am professinally employed. I have been drinking heavily for the past say 13 years. I drink every evening after work. The amount of drinking has progressed to the point that I drink on average 6 tall cans of Heineken beer per evenings. Weekends usually start drinking in early afternoon. Except for the last two weekends when I have started drinking beer at 11:00 a.m. I am a binge drinker. I usually drink big quantities beer between the 6:00 p.m. to about 9- 10p.m. then stop until the next evening. I go to work everyday as a professional, but I know that I am not performing anywhere near my abilities. As this is an American site and I am from Canada I will translate the beer from metric equivalent into ounces. This is approximately 103 ounces of beer or roughly 10 regular size cans of 5% alcohol beer. On occassion I drink hard liquor, but this is the exception to the rule. Drink of choice is premium beer. I know that this is not the greatest amount of alcohol, but I am sick and tired of it and I am really worried that something is happening inside me, maybe cirrohsis, cancer or kidney disease. God I hope not. Please I have a family including a wonderful 8 year old boy who adores me and looks up to me. I want to be around to see him grow up and I am so scared that it is not going to happen. I feel like I am choosing alcohol over my family. I feel like a total moron, but I cannot stop. Every morning in the shower I tell myself that's it no more drinking, but sure enough when 5:00 p.m. rolls around it is the same thought process: "just this one more time then I will quit for good". Just keep lying to myself for years and years.
I have tried to quit on several occassions and the most that I have been able to do is a couple of months in the summer of 2007. There have been about 2 -3 other attempts that lasted for about two weeks at most. Last one was about 2 months ago and lasted 10 days. I was so sure I was going to conquer it this time, but then came the "Well just tonight and I will not buy more tomorrow." Well the "just tonight" has been going on for two months.
Interestingly, I do not seem to have any of the severe or dangerous type of withdrawal symtoms that everyone seems to state require a person to attend a detox center. Perhaps its just me or maybe it is because for whatever reason I am not susceptible to them at least for now.
I am becoming increasingly concerned about certain symptoms and am worried that I have cirrohsis or cancer or more. My symptoms are a dull mild pain under and just below my ribs on the right side and occassionally on the left side. It feels totally where my liver should be. I also get the occassional slightly sharp pain in the center of my chest just below where the two halves of my rib cage meet. I am thinking this is my gaul bladder or pancreas.
I have also pain in what I think are my kidneys. I have developed gout mostly in my right ankle also had constant pain in both elbows and slight pain in right toe. I first had symptoms about 3 years ago, pretty bad I was in bed and every movement however slight was very painful. This went on for about 2 days and then they never appeared again until about 4 months ago when the pain was so severe in my right ankle that I could hardly walk. This went on for about 7 weeks until the pain finally subsided on its own. I noticed the other day that I have a round red mark about 2 inches on my right ankel. This seems consistent with gout. I also seem to have a very noisy stomach after lunch. I usually eat vegetables at lunch, so this could be just the gas from the vegetables, but my stomach makes alot of noise. Also makes noise if I drink water after not having had any liquid for a while say 1 - 2 hours.
I have absolutely no problems with appetite, in fact I have a huge appetite most of the time. I try very hard to eat healthy (fruits vegetables and minimal red meat) and I think that for about 85% of the time I eat very healthy.
I have not sought medical treatment for any of this and have not seen my doctor for many years. He is an excellent doctor. Young and highly regarded by everyone including his fellow doctors. Problem is that he is the doctor for my entire family including my parents. No one knows about my alcohol problem except my wife and she does not know the half of it. I am so afraid of embarassment that I do not go see my doctor including for the gout. I am afraid that if my doctor ran tests the results would be off the charts, maybe I am wrong, but I am worried and embarrassed. Thinking I should stop drinking exercise, workout for 2 - 3 months and then go get a full physical, thinking that by this time tests should come back negative, but if they don't then I have a serious problem that has taken on a life of its own without alcohol.
In the past I also seem to have the occassional pain in what I have deduced is the lymph nodes in my groin or maybe the urinary tubes that go from your bladder to my penis. It is in that area. I do not know. I am thinking that this pain is in the lymph nodes because in last two months or so I have been experiencing pain in the lymph nodes on the right side of the back of my head.
I have sleep problems. Basically I fall asleep right away at approx 10:00 pm. and wake at about 2:30 p.m. After that I cannot fall asleep. I am always very depressed and anxious in the morning when I have to go to work. I had night sweats this past summer for a couple of weeks then they disappeared. Now starting to have them again but they are mild sweats almost unnoticeable, but I am so freaked out by what all this could mean that I always think of the worst possibilty.
I have so many very sad thoughts. Today I was walking on the street coming from the bank and I had to make an effort not to cry. I think this sort of morning depression and anxiety has something to do with the alcohol withdrawal.
My belly is protruding, but I think this is more of a genetic body type thing than ascites or maybe a combination of both. My wieght has been constant for the past year or so pretty much in the range of 186 - 189 pounds.
I have had all of the above symptoms for years except for the lymph node pain in the neck and the sleepless nights. Sleepless nights have been going on for about 6 months.
I am practically certain that I am going to die soon from my alcoholism, either liver disease or cancer caused by alcohol. It seems that the symptoms keep increasing and none of them go away. I just get more.
Another symptom. Forgetfullness. My short term memory is shot. I do not know if this is stress related, or if it is an indication of some sort of brain damage.
The only symptom that I have with my liver is the mild dull pain which is almost constant now. I do not have yellow skin or eyes. I do not have clubbed finger nails. I do not have itchy skin. My urine and bowel movements are normal and regular, except for my bowel movements which for the most part are ribbon stools. These ribbon stools have been going on for years as well. Maybe this is pressure against my bowel, but if it is cancer growing can it go on for years like this?
The other day I was pressing on the lower region of my rib cage firmly but not hard, I thought I could feel something, maybe some sort of bubble but if anything is was very soft almost not noticeable. I go to take shower the next day and I have a two inch yellow and grey round bruise in that same spot like as if I was hit with something there. I did not press anywhere hard enough to cause a bruise, it was more like a circular motion trying to find something which I could not. Bruise disappeared in a week.
Can anyone relate to any of this. I am really freaked out.
Thank you for your help and understanding.
I have tried to quit on several occassions and the most that I have been able to do is a couple of months in the summer of 2007. There have been about 2 -3 other attempts that lasted for about two weeks at most. Last one was about 2 months ago and lasted 10 days. I was so sure I was going to conquer it this time, but then came the "Well just tonight and I will not buy more tomorrow." Well the "just tonight" has been going on for two months.
Interestingly, I do not seem to have any of the severe or dangerous type of withdrawal symtoms that everyone seems to state require a person to attend a detox center. Perhaps its just me or maybe it is because for whatever reason I am not susceptible to them at least for now.
I am becoming increasingly concerned about certain symptoms and am worried that I have cirrohsis or cancer or more. My symptoms are a dull mild pain under and just below my ribs on the right side and occassionally on the left side. It feels totally where my liver should be. I also get the occassional slightly sharp pain in the center of my chest just below where the two halves of my rib cage meet. I am thinking this is my gaul bladder or pancreas.
I have also pain in what I think are my kidneys. I have developed gout mostly in my right ankle also had constant pain in both elbows and slight pain in right toe. I first had symptoms about 3 years ago, pretty bad I was in bed and every movement however slight was very painful. This went on for about 2 days and then they never appeared again until about 4 months ago when the pain was so severe in my right ankle that I could hardly walk. This went on for about 7 weeks until the pain finally subsided on its own. I noticed the other day that I have a round red mark about 2 inches on my right ankel. This seems consistent with gout. I also seem to have a very noisy stomach after lunch. I usually eat vegetables at lunch, so this could be just the gas from the vegetables, but my stomach makes alot of noise. Also makes noise if I drink water after not having had any liquid for a while say 1 - 2 hours.
I have absolutely no problems with appetite, in fact I have a huge appetite most of the time. I try very hard to eat healthy (fruits vegetables and minimal red meat) and I think that for about 85% of the time I eat very healthy.
I have not sought medical treatment for any of this and have not seen my doctor for many years. He is an excellent doctor. Young and highly regarded by everyone including his fellow doctors. Problem is that he is the doctor for my entire family including my parents. No one knows about my alcohol problem except my wife and she does not know the half of it. I am so afraid of embarassment that I do not go see my doctor including for the gout. I am afraid that if my doctor ran tests the results would be off the charts, maybe I am wrong, but I am worried and embarrassed. Thinking I should stop drinking exercise, workout for 2 - 3 months and then go get a full physical, thinking that by this time tests should come back negative, but if they don't then I have a serious problem that has taken on a life of its own without alcohol.
In the past I also seem to have the occassional pain in what I have deduced is the lymph nodes in my groin or maybe the urinary tubes that go from your bladder to my penis. It is in that area. I do not know. I am thinking that this pain is in the lymph nodes because in last two months or so I have been experiencing pain in the lymph nodes on the right side of the back of my head.
I have sleep problems. Basically I fall asleep right away at approx 10:00 pm. and wake at about 2:30 p.m. After that I cannot fall asleep. I am always very depressed and anxious in the morning when I have to go to work. I had night sweats this past summer for a couple of weeks then they disappeared. Now starting to have them again but they are mild sweats almost unnoticeable, but I am so freaked out by what all this could mean that I always think of the worst possibilty.
I have so many very sad thoughts. Today I was walking on the street coming from the bank and I had to make an effort not to cry. I think this sort of morning depression and anxiety has something to do with the alcohol withdrawal.
My belly is protruding, but I think this is more of a genetic body type thing than ascites or maybe a combination of both. My wieght has been constant for the past year or so pretty much in the range of 186 - 189 pounds.
I have had all of the above symptoms for years except for the lymph node pain in the neck and the sleepless nights. Sleepless nights have been going on for about 6 months.
I am practically certain that I am going to die soon from my alcoholism, either liver disease or cancer caused by alcohol. It seems that the symptoms keep increasing and none of them go away. I just get more.
Another symptom. Forgetfullness. My short term memory is shot. I do not know if this is stress related, or if it is an indication of some sort of brain damage.
The only symptom that I have with my liver is the mild dull pain which is almost constant now. I do not have yellow skin or eyes. I do not have clubbed finger nails. I do not have itchy skin. My urine and bowel movements are normal and regular, except for my bowel movements which for the most part are ribbon stools. These ribbon stools have been going on for years as well. Maybe this is pressure against my bowel, but if it is cancer growing can it go on for years like this?
The other day I was pressing on the lower region of my rib cage firmly but not hard, I thought I could feel something, maybe some sort of bubble but if anything is was very soft almost not noticeable. I go to take shower the next day and I have a two inch yellow and grey round bruise in that same spot like as if I was hit with something there. I did not press anywhere hard enough to cause a bruise, it was more like a circular motion trying to find something which I could not. Bruise disappeared in a week.
Can anyone relate to any of this. I am really freaked out.
Thank you for your help and understanding.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. See a doctor. You are driving yourself crazy over this. There is such a thing as doctor confidentiality. He CAN'T tell your family or anybody anything.
One other thing, you haven't been suffering much withdrawals, and that's great. But everytime you quit and resume drinking, the chance of withdrawals increases. It's called kindling. If you've stopped, stay stopped.
And see your doctor! Tomorrow!
One other thing, you haven't been suffering much withdrawals, and that's great. But everytime you quit and resume drinking, the chance of withdrawals increases. It's called kindling. If you've stopped, stay stopped.
And see your doctor! Tomorrow!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
binge drinkers don't drink nightly.
the average alcoholic is employed. s/he drinks nightly, every few nights, weekly, monthly or a few times a year. s/he may not yet have financial, work or relationship problems.
see a doctor before quitting as the body can be shocked by abruptly stopping.
best wishes,
the average alcoholic is employed. s/he drinks nightly, every few nights, weekly, monthly or a few times a year. s/he may not yet have financial, work or relationship problems.
see a doctor before quitting as the body can be shocked by abruptly stopping.
best wishes,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi WorkingDrunk
I well understand the fear of the various aches and pains....but the best thing to do is to see a Dr - if you simply can't see your own, see another one. Set your mind at rest
As for quitting and staying quit - well you've joined a good community here - you'll find a lot of support and ideas and advice.
D
I well understand the fear of the various aches and pains....but the best thing to do is to see a Dr - if you simply can't see your own, see another one. Set your mind at rest
As for quitting and staying quit - well you've joined a good community here - you'll find a lot of support and ideas and advice.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Thanks.
I know. But I am embarrassed even to tell him. It like this massive embarrassing dumb failure that I do not want anyone to know about. He will associate this with the rest of my family. I feel like I cannot embarrass my parents like this. They do not deserve this.
Thinking that if I could just stop drinking everything will go back to normal. I have been reading what everyone else mentions about their symptoms including memory loss etc. It seems these symptoms are all common more or less. I also make a lot of typographical mistakes and spelling mistakes and not even notice until someone else points it out. Then I look and wonder how could I have made such an obvious mistake? Even with this post I have to go back over and over to correct things. My first post above says I usually sleep from 10:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m., it should be 2:30 a.m. Again did not seem mistake, have to keep reading and checking over and over.
Each time that I stopped drinking for weeks I had no withdrawal symptoms at all. I just seemed to feel better and better everyday, less and less symptoms.
Even this past December, 2011 when I stopped for ten days, every day was better, lighter symptoms, felt better, totally convinced that it was finally over, I did not need this slavery in my life any more, then came the relapse and here I am.
Last night I was joking with my 8 year old telling him that I was only 23 years old ( I am really 48, but do look younger), he said no way daddy you look 50 look at those dark circles under your eyes. I did have noticeable pretty dark circles under my eyes. My wife even commented your eyes look pretty puffy are you ok. I just had 3 tall beers in about 1 1/2 hours prior.
Real smart guy aren't I?
I know. But I am embarrassed even to tell him. It like this massive embarrassing dumb failure that I do not want anyone to know about. He will associate this with the rest of my family. I feel like I cannot embarrass my parents like this. They do not deserve this.
Thinking that if I could just stop drinking everything will go back to normal. I have been reading what everyone else mentions about their symptoms including memory loss etc. It seems these symptoms are all common more or less. I also make a lot of typographical mistakes and spelling mistakes and not even notice until someone else points it out. Then I look and wonder how could I have made such an obvious mistake? Even with this post I have to go back over and over to correct things. My first post above says I usually sleep from 10:00 p.m. to 2:30 p.m., it should be 2:30 a.m. Again did not seem mistake, have to keep reading and checking over and over.
Each time that I stopped drinking for weeks I had no withdrawal symptoms at all. I just seemed to feel better and better everyday, less and less symptoms.
Even this past December, 2011 when I stopped for ten days, every day was better, lighter symptoms, felt better, totally convinced that it was finally over, I did not need this slavery in my life any more, then came the relapse and here I am.
Last night I was joking with my 8 year old telling him that I was only 23 years old ( I am really 48, but do look younger), he said no way daddy you look 50 look at those dark circles under your eyes. I did have noticeable pretty dark circles under my eyes. My wife even commented your eyes look pretty puffy are you ok. I just had 3 tall beers in about 1 1/2 hours prior.
Real smart guy aren't I?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
I agree. You must see your doctor as soon as possible. It would be a great place to start, get some blood work drawn and sent to a lab. Be totally honest with your doctor. Confidentiality is definitely an option. The only way that you will know if you are alright is if you talk to your physician.
There isn't anything that you can read on the internet or advice that you can receive that will positively diagnose your symptoms. If I wanted to, I could find something on the internet that tells me the sky is yellow instead of blue I'm sure. Just sayin. Don't just go digging for answers and settle for whatever you find if it sounds reasonable. Get real answers from a medical professional.
I'm a nurse and I've taken care of many people who could've lived much longer if they had just went to the doctor to see what the problem was instead of ignoring symptoms and waiting them out. You can beat this, you know. It isn't too late to make changes in your life.
There isn't anything that you can read on the internet or advice that you can receive that will positively diagnose your symptoms. If I wanted to, I could find something on the internet that tells me the sky is yellow instead of blue I'm sure. Just sayin. Don't just go digging for answers and settle for whatever you find if it sounds reasonable. Get real answers from a medical professional.
I'm a nurse and I've taken care of many people who could've lived much longer if they had just went to the doctor to see what the problem was instead of ignoring symptoms and waiting them out. You can beat this, you know. It isn't too late to make changes in your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Welcome WD, and your concern for your health is warranted and reasonable. You want to be around for those who depend on you for a long time to come. It looks like that will entail doing something about your drinking before things go bad.
If you can't stay stopped then you'll likely be seeing your Doctor anyway and under less positive circumstances than if you were to be completely honest with him now to head off some seriously unpleasant possibilities.
It's possible the fear-based reasons you give for not taking care of your health are instead to allow your drinking to continue. Saying nothing avoids the risk of bringing this into the open which may then require you to stop. Drinking and stopping can't exist together and sacrificing health and sanity and more to continue drinking is common among alcoholics.
You mentioned your concern and love for your child, but nothing about the responsibility you have to your son to meet your problem head on and solve it before it impacts him severely and for the rest of his lifetime. As a adult he will either respect you for doing what you needed to do to end this worsening problem, or loathe you for failing him and putting booze first.
If looking good is of the utmost importance to you, then say nothing and continue to try to hide your sickness until you're too far gone to do that and then display it in all it's glory to those who you should have cared for better. That's the real horror of your alcoholism, not what parts of your body might be hurting this week or the next.
Be the better man.
If you can't stay stopped then you'll likely be seeing your Doctor anyway and under less positive circumstances than if you were to be completely honest with him now to head off some seriously unpleasant possibilities.
It's possible the fear-based reasons you give for not taking care of your health are instead to allow your drinking to continue. Saying nothing avoids the risk of bringing this into the open which may then require you to stop. Drinking and stopping can't exist together and sacrificing health and sanity and more to continue drinking is common among alcoholics.
You mentioned your concern and love for your child, but nothing about the responsibility you have to your son to meet your problem head on and solve it before it impacts him severely and for the rest of his lifetime. As a adult he will either respect you for doing what you needed to do to end this worsening problem, or loathe you for failing him and putting booze first.
If looking good is of the utmost importance to you, then say nothing and continue to try to hide your sickness until you're too far gone to do that and then display it in all it's glory to those who you should have cared for better. That's the real horror of your alcoholism, not what parts of your body might be hurting this week or the next.
Be the better man.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
I'm a professional too working drunk, I hang sheetrock for a living. 
If I didn't have a sheetrock hatchet or a screw gun in my hand, I had a beer, crack pipe, joint, or bottle of rum in it. Started drinking around the clock at about 48, got my 1st DUI at 49, and got my 2nd DUI at 49. Did I stop. No. We should all stop using for our health. Maybe this will help. Add up all the money you spent on booze in 13 years and think of all the things you would have with that money. 
As far as the physical problem, please go see your doctor. Prayin for ya.
If I didn't have a sheetrock hatchet or a screw gun in my hand, I had a beer, crack pipe, joint, or bottle of rum in it. Started drinking around the clock at about 48, got my 1st DUI at 49, and got my 2nd DUI at 49. Did I stop. No. We should all stop using for our health. Maybe this will help. Add up all the money you spent on booze in 13 years and think of all the things you would have with that money. As far as the physical problem, please go see your doctor. Prayin for ya.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Welcome.
You have had some success in the past. I had failed attempts for many years, a year before my current run I ran 6 weeks together. If you keep at it you will get there.
Educate yourself regarding your options. If you do not want to see your own Dr go and see another. Part of the advice will be to stop drinking, so having some idea of what you are prepared to do will help, but remember the Dr or counsellor cannot do it for you.
You have had some success in the past. I had failed attempts for many years, a year before my current run I ran 6 weeks together. If you keep at it you will get there.
Educate yourself regarding your options. If you do not want to see your own Dr go and see another. Part of the advice will be to stop drinking, so having some idea of what you are prepared to do will help, but remember the Dr or counsellor cannot do it for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Thank you very much to everyone who took the time to reply to my thread. All of your replies are helpful. Yesterday I stumbled upon this site. It was an all time low day for me.
I think this site may prove to be a valuable tool for my quest to stop drinking once and for all. I am really glad I found it. I am going to post what I am going through as much as I can. I hope that this helps me and that my posts and the replies can help others as well. It already feels like it is. This site allows me to communicate to people freely about what I am going through. Perhaps this communication and reflection will really help in me quitting this abuse once and for all.
I drank 5 tall beers last night in the span of about 2 hours, but for some reason today many of the symptoms have dissappeared altogether, I have a very mild pain in my liver region, but really mild. I have to think about it or mentally search for it to realize that it is there, thats how mild it is. I surprisingly slept pretty relatively well last night, except for briefly waking up during two different nightmares. I also woke up because I felt a pain on my ear near my lobe. I did notice that I was sleeping on it folded. This never happened before. Hopefully that's where the pain came from. I have mild pain that comes and goes on both sides of the back of my head where it meets my neck. I researched it and it seems to be in the area of where two sets of lymph nodes travel up to your head. Scary. I have researched and it seems that the sudden onset of pain shortly after drinking is an indicator of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Fortunately the pain is mild and sometimes disappears. It also disappears after I drink. The dissappearance after your drink is opposite to the symptoms of Hodgkins, From what I can tell my lymph nodes are not swollen. I can't even find them. I also noticed last night that practically all of my symptoms dissappear after I have had my second or third beer. It takes me about an hour to gulp down 3 tall cans of beer. I am thinking that maybe all of the pain, emotional upset, sleeplessness is really some sort of withdrawal if the pain and emotional upset disappears when I drink. Also falling asleep in the evening after drinking is no problem. Problem is that I wake up about 5 hours later when (I think) most of the alcohol has worn off. I hope that it is withrawal. It gives me so much more hope and incentive overall that I can stop and get my real life back. I am not as emotionally upset as I was yesterday. I feel more positive today. Maybe I am getting another chance. Maybe this is an indication to take this opportunity and stop harming myself. Yesterday was probably one of the lowest emotional days in my life. I was in my office alone until about 10:30 a.m. and I broke down and cried several times. My emotions have been very raw on and off for the past several months. I had so many sad thoughts about the inevitability of losing people around me through death including my parents who are 78 and 75 yrs old respectively. I realized that my family likely will look very different in 10 years. No more family dinners at my parents' house, only memories of times past. I thought of how I am betraying my parents and all of the sacrifices they made for their children so that they could have a better life than them. They are european immigrants. My mom worked in a factory and my dad was a master carpenter in residential construction. Arrived in Canada with nothing except ambition and work ethic. They were both from farms in europe. Took what ever jobs were available and worked their way up. Worked very hard saved every penny, never objected to working overtime, in fact, sought out every opportunity to work overtime and extra jobs. I thought of myself dying in a few years if I do not stop this drinking. I thought of how irresponsibly I have behaved to everyone. I think about my wife and child and think I cannot keep doing this to you. This sesaw is ridiculous. I have thought of how many things I have gotten away with that I did not deserve to and how this cannot continue. Sometimes I feel someone up there must be intervening, saving the day, and letting me slide through for some reason.
I cannot continue with this growing mental turmoil and the absolute certainty that I will die from alcoholism if it continues. My symptoms are telling me to stop now. What rational person wouldn't? There is nothing in continuing to drink other than certain decline and death. There are also alot of other reasons including a realization of how much this drinking is taking away from my life and how it has literally replaced aspects of my life. I drink too much, do not feel like doing anything after one beer except drinking more. Days of this turn into months, months turn into years and years turn into 13 years. Money spent? $16.00 per day = $487.00 per month = $5,840 per year x 13 years = $75,920. What? This is nuts! There's my son's college fund. But here I am. I was such a more productive person with so many varied talents before this drinking got a grip on me and started to control me. Drinking now for the past say 6 years basically represents the number 1 priority of my free time. I regretfully realize and accept how many times I have snuck out to the beer store on weekends to replenish my supply. I stop everynight at the store and pick up my nightly 6 beers. Most of the time I drink all of them, sometimes I stop short one or two. There are about 5 or six beer / liquors stores on my way home. I even alternate between all these stores because I am embarrased and I do not want the store clerks to start talking and call me "the guy who comes in here every day!" My wife thinks that I drink too much beer, but she has no idea how much I really drink. I hide beer cans full or empty in several locations until I can dispose of them. She has complained about the accumulation of beer cans in the cold cellar and says: How much beer do you really drink? She says if someone saw this they would think we had a party with 300 people here. There are times when they have accumulated to in excess of 100 cans. Really sad part is that there much much more to it than she knows. I have even taken to bringing back empty beer cans 20 to 30 at a time just so that the empties do not pile up. I often gather 20 to 30 empty cans in the morning place them in a large garbage bag and sneak it into the back of my truck. Of course the empty cans have an odor. I take my son to school and he has often complained - what's that smell? I then proceed to work and park my vehicle. I hope that no one notices the big plastic bag full of empty beer cans. Again, I am deceiving everyone. Why? For beer? Throw it away, you will be much happier without it. I am harming myself and everyone around me. This has got to stop. Total insanity!!
BUT:
Last night after I went home, I still stopped and bought my usual 6 tall cans of Heineken beer, even though I am going through this huge mental and emotional upheal which is comprised of 30% disappointment in myself, 35% frustration and 35% fear of serious health problems. I go buy beer anyway because I am looking forward a pleasant sensation in the evening. I suppose that it is the release of feel good chemicals in your head from drinking. I do not know. Perhaps it is learned behaviour, do want to feel good and forget everything? - have a few beers and some more. Works as long as you ignore everything around you and what is happening around you.
My wife had a working dinner with collegues and planned to be home at about 8:00 p.m. last night. I picked up my son from his after school program, I go home, make dinner and secretly start drinking the beer. I trained myself to drink an entire tall can in one swoop. Just open my mouth and pour the whole 17.50 ounces down my throat in less than a minute. I have to do this because I hide this drinking from my family including my 8 year old. The average 6 beer does not seem to visibly affect me to others for some reason, other than perhaps my breath. I seem to function totally normal. No issues with coordination etc. I do not get angry or abusive. I actually get a little more jovial, friendly and in a happier mood. This of course is relative to basic evening type of household tasks. I do not even feel drunk. I do worry though, what if there is an emergency and I have to drive in the evening. I cannot drive with up to 10 beers in me. What if it is a serious emergency and I have to drive. What if I get caught by police. I will be so far over the limit that they will probably throw me in jail for a year. What if I hurt someone or worse?
When I was in my twenties and in college I would go out to the local bars on the weekends. A heavy night of drinking consisted of a max of 5 beers or drinks in total. I could not drink more than 5 drinks total and with 5 drinks by the end of the evening I was as high as a kite. Dancing / flirting with girls having a great time. Wake up the next day maybe a little hangover but would not drink again to at least next Saturday night or longer. Would not even think of buying beer or liquor and bringing it home. Never even had it in my apartment. Only bought it at the bars when I went out. Often went for weeks without a drink and did think of it. Would always take the bus or a cab to bars because I did not want to drink and drive. Wow how things have changed for the worse. What has happened to that hard working responsible person that I was?
Currently, I live in a million dollar home that I bought 6 years ago. No way I could do that now.
I recall years ago, I went to the fridge and tried to sneak a beer. My wife was upstairs and my son who was maybe 3 - 4 years playing nearby yelled out: "mommy, daddy's drinking beer again!" He had obviously overheard my wife scold me about how much beer I drink. God I was so embarrassed and dissappointed with myself that my young child had to know that there was concern with my drinking. I hope so many times that he does not remember this. I do not want him to recall his father as a drunk. But I am one.
I have decided that TODAY, February 2, 2012 will be my turning point once and for all. I will stop drinking and will do it with my own will power. This is my last chance. If it does not work out I will seek professional help this time. This is my last chance to do it on my own. Have a plan to start exercising and burying myself in my work just to get caught up. do not have to really change my diet much as I already eat pretty healthy, but I will step this up a notch as well. I have a lot of household projects that my wife and I have been talking about, but which I have never started only because I am too buzzed in the afternoon on weekends to care. After a beer or two loose all motivation for anything other than gulping another beer and watching T.V.
Wish me luck. I will keep you posted.
I think this site may prove to be a valuable tool for my quest to stop drinking once and for all. I am really glad I found it. I am going to post what I am going through as much as I can. I hope that this helps me and that my posts and the replies can help others as well. It already feels like it is. This site allows me to communicate to people freely about what I am going through. Perhaps this communication and reflection will really help in me quitting this abuse once and for all.
I drank 5 tall beers last night in the span of about 2 hours, but for some reason today many of the symptoms have dissappeared altogether, I have a very mild pain in my liver region, but really mild. I have to think about it or mentally search for it to realize that it is there, thats how mild it is. I surprisingly slept pretty relatively well last night, except for briefly waking up during two different nightmares. I also woke up because I felt a pain on my ear near my lobe. I did notice that I was sleeping on it folded. This never happened before. Hopefully that's where the pain came from. I have mild pain that comes and goes on both sides of the back of my head where it meets my neck. I researched it and it seems to be in the area of where two sets of lymph nodes travel up to your head. Scary. I have researched and it seems that the sudden onset of pain shortly after drinking is an indicator of Hodgkins Lymphoma. Fortunately the pain is mild and sometimes disappears. It also disappears after I drink. The dissappearance after your drink is opposite to the symptoms of Hodgkins, From what I can tell my lymph nodes are not swollen. I can't even find them. I also noticed last night that practically all of my symptoms dissappear after I have had my second or third beer. It takes me about an hour to gulp down 3 tall cans of beer. I am thinking that maybe all of the pain, emotional upset, sleeplessness is really some sort of withdrawal if the pain and emotional upset disappears when I drink. Also falling asleep in the evening after drinking is no problem. Problem is that I wake up about 5 hours later when (I think) most of the alcohol has worn off. I hope that it is withrawal. It gives me so much more hope and incentive overall that I can stop and get my real life back. I am not as emotionally upset as I was yesterday. I feel more positive today. Maybe I am getting another chance. Maybe this is an indication to take this opportunity and stop harming myself. Yesterday was probably one of the lowest emotional days in my life. I was in my office alone until about 10:30 a.m. and I broke down and cried several times. My emotions have been very raw on and off for the past several months. I had so many sad thoughts about the inevitability of losing people around me through death including my parents who are 78 and 75 yrs old respectively. I realized that my family likely will look very different in 10 years. No more family dinners at my parents' house, only memories of times past. I thought of how I am betraying my parents and all of the sacrifices they made for their children so that they could have a better life than them. They are european immigrants. My mom worked in a factory and my dad was a master carpenter in residential construction. Arrived in Canada with nothing except ambition and work ethic. They were both from farms in europe. Took what ever jobs were available and worked their way up. Worked very hard saved every penny, never objected to working overtime, in fact, sought out every opportunity to work overtime and extra jobs. I thought of myself dying in a few years if I do not stop this drinking. I thought of how irresponsibly I have behaved to everyone. I think about my wife and child and think I cannot keep doing this to you. This sesaw is ridiculous. I have thought of how many things I have gotten away with that I did not deserve to and how this cannot continue. Sometimes I feel someone up there must be intervening, saving the day, and letting me slide through for some reason.
I cannot continue with this growing mental turmoil and the absolute certainty that I will die from alcoholism if it continues. My symptoms are telling me to stop now. What rational person wouldn't? There is nothing in continuing to drink other than certain decline and death. There are also alot of other reasons including a realization of how much this drinking is taking away from my life and how it has literally replaced aspects of my life. I drink too much, do not feel like doing anything after one beer except drinking more. Days of this turn into months, months turn into years and years turn into 13 years. Money spent? $16.00 per day = $487.00 per month = $5,840 per year x 13 years = $75,920. What? This is nuts! There's my son's college fund. But here I am. I was such a more productive person with so many varied talents before this drinking got a grip on me and started to control me. Drinking now for the past say 6 years basically represents the number 1 priority of my free time. I regretfully realize and accept how many times I have snuck out to the beer store on weekends to replenish my supply. I stop everynight at the store and pick up my nightly 6 beers. Most of the time I drink all of them, sometimes I stop short one or two. There are about 5 or six beer / liquors stores on my way home. I even alternate between all these stores because I am embarrased and I do not want the store clerks to start talking and call me "the guy who comes in here every day!" My wife thinks that I drink too much beer, but she has no idea how much I really drink. I hide beer cans full or empty in several locations until I can dispose of them. She has complained about the accumulation of beer cans in the cold cellar and says: How much beer do you really drink? She says if someone saw this they would think we had a party with 300 people here. There are times when they have accumulated to in excess of 100 cans. Really sad part is that there much much more to it than she knows. I have even taken to bringing back empty beer cans 20 to 30 at a time just so that the empties do not pile up. I often gather 20 to 30 empty cans in the morning place them in a large garbage bag and sneak it into the back of my truck. Of course the empty cans have an odor. I take my son to school and he has often complained - what's that smell? I then proceed to work and park my vehicle. I hope that no one notices the big plastic bag full of empty beer cans. Again, I am deceiving everyone. Why? For beer? Throw it away, you will be much happier without it. I am harming myself and everyone around me. This has got to stop. Total insanity!!
BUT:
Last night after I went home, I still stopped and bought my usual 6 tall cans of Heineken beer, even though I am going through this huge mental and emotional upheal which is comprised of 30% disappointment in myself, 35% frustration and 35% fear of serious health problems. I go buy beer anyway because I am looking forward a pleasant sensation in the evening. I suppose that it is the release of feel good chemicals in your head from drinking. I do not know. Perhaps it is learned behaviour, do want to feel good and forget everything? - have a few beers and some more. Works as long as you ignore everything around you and what is happening around you.
My wife had a working dinner with collegues and planned to be home at about 8:00 p.m. last night. I picked up my son from his after school program, I go home, make dinner and secretly start drinking the beer. I trained myself to drink an entire tall can in one swoop. Just open my mouth and pour the whole 17.50 ounces down my throat in less than a minute. I have to do this because I hide this drinking from my family including my 8 year old. The average 6 beer does not seem to visibly affect me to others for some reason, other than perhaps my breath. I seem to function totally normal. No issues with coordination etc. I do not get angry or abusive. I actually get a little more jovial, friendly and in a happier mood. This of course is relative to basic evening type of household tasks. I do not even feel drunk. I do worry though, what if there is an emergency and I have to drive in the evening. I cannot drive with up to 10 beers in me. What if it is a serious emergency and I have to drive. What if I get caught by police. I will be so far over the limit that they will probably throw me in jail for a year. What if I hurt someone or worse?
When I was in my twenties and in college I would go out to the local bars on the weekends. A heavy night of drinking consisted of a max of 5 beers or drinks in total. I could not drink more than 5 drinks total and with 5 drinks by the end of the evening I was as high as a kite. Dancing / flirting with girls having a great time. Wake up the next day maybe a little hangover but would not drink again to at least next Saturday night or longer. Would not even think of buying beer or liquor and bringing it home. Never even had it in my apartment. Only bought it at the bars when I went out. Often went for weeks without a drink and did think of it. Would always take the bus or a cab to bars because I did not want to drink and drive. Wow how things have changed for the worse. What has happened to that hard working responsible person that I was?
Currently, I live in a million dollar home that I bought 6 years ago. No way I could do that now.
I recall years ago, I went to the fridge and tried to sneak a beer. My wife was upstairs and my son who was maybe 3 - 4 years playing nearby yelled out: "mommy, daddy's drinking beer again!" He had obviously overheard my wife scold me about how much beer I drink. God I was so embarrassed and dissappointed with myself that my young child had to know that there was concern with my drinking. I hope so many times that he does not remember this. I do not want him to recall his father as a drunk. But I am one.
I have decided that TODAY, February 2, 2012 will be my turning point once and for all. I will stop drinking and will do it with my own will power. This is my last chance. If it does not work out I will seek professional help this time. This is my last chance to do it on my own. Have a plan to start exercising and burying myself in my work just to get caught up. do not have to really change my diet much as I already eat pretty healthy, but I will step this up a notch as well. I have a lot of household projects that my wife and I have been talking about, but which I have never started only because I am too buzzed in the afternoon on weekends to care. After a beer or two loose all motivation for anything other than gulping another beer and watching T.V.
Wish me luck. I will keep you posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by langkah 
Welcome WD, and your concern for your health is warranted and reasonable. You want to be around for those who depend on you for a long time to come. It looks like that will entail doing something about your drinking before things go bad.
If you can't stay stopped then you'll likely be seeing your Doctor anyway and under less positive circumstances than if you were to be completely honest with him now to head off some seriously unpleasant possibilities.
It's possible the fear-based reasons you give for not taking care of your health are instead to allow your drinking to continue. Saying nothing avoids the risk of bringing this into the open which may then require you to stop. Drinking and stopping can't exist together and sacrificing health and sanity and more to continue drinking is common among alcoholics.
You mentioned your concern and love for your child, but nothing about the responsibility you have to your son to meet your problem head on and solve it before it impacts him severely and for the rest of his lifetime. As a adult he will either respect you for doing what you needed to do to end this worsening problem, or loathe you for failing him and putting booze first.
If looking good is of the utmost importance to you, then say nothing and continue to try to hide your sickness until you're too far gone to do that and then display it in all it's glory to those who you should have cared for better. That's the real horror of your alcoholism, not what parts of your body might be hurting this week or the next.
Be the better man.
If you can't stay stopped then you'll likely be seeing your Doctor anyway and under less positive circumstances than if you were to be completely honest with him now to head off some seriously unpleasant possibilities.
It's possible the fear-based reasons you give for not taking care of your health are instead to allow your drinking to continue. Saying nothing avoids the risk of bringing this into the open which may then require you to stop. Drinking and stopping can't exist together and sacrificing health and sanity and more to continue drinking is common among alcoholics.
You mentioned your concern and love for your child, but nothing about the responsibility you have to your son to meet your problem head on and solve it before it impacts him severely and for the rest of his lifetime. As a adult he will either respect you for doing what you needed to do to end this worsening problem, or loathe you for failing him and putting booze first.
If looking good is of the utmost importance to you, then say nothing and continue to try to hide your sickness until you're too far gone to do that and then display it in all it's glory to those who you should have cared for better. That's the real horror of your alcoholism, not what parts of your body might be hurting this week or the next.
Be the better man.
There is alot of value to me in what you have said. I agree with everything except I do not think that I am not seeing doctor because that will mean that I have to stop. I really want to stop. I hate this situation that I am in for all the reasons one can think of. I genuinely believe that I am not seeing a Dr. because of embarrassment. The contents of your reply make me think that you know what you are talking about, maybe some sort of psych. or Dr. I think that 1st recommendation from any Dr. would be that I have to stop immediately. I am going take that advice and I am stopping today. See my post above. Thank you again for taking the time to provide your reply.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Just wanted to clarify my username "Workingdrunk". I am not at work drunk. I rarely have had a drink during work. Maybe on average once (1) per year. I guess a better title for me for what I feel like is a "Functioningdrunk". I have a normal actually enviable life by all outward appearances. Actually feel way too lucky. My problem is that I drink about 10 beers ever night sometimes a few less and on weekends. It is causing me problems physical and mental and I am sick and tired of this habit and waking up every morning for the last who knows 10 years? and saying that's it and promising not to buy beer on the way home from work, but as usual I buy it anyways and promise this is the last time. It never has been so far.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by Db1105
If you think you have a problem with alcohol, then you probably do. Denile is a major symptom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: liverpool merseyside
Posts: 4
check out AA in your area online, there will be a phone number you can call -ask them to help you get to a meeting -you will be doing them a favour they need to work with other alcoholics to stay sober anyway! jo
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Workingdrunk!
Congratulations on deciding to get sober!
I remember well the anxiety and depression, night sweats, waking up 3-4 hours after going to sleep, etc....... it's all going to get a lot better once you get the alcohol out of your system.
Keep reading and posting - you can do this!
Congratulations on deciding to get sober!
I remember well the anxiety and depression, night sweats, waking up 3-4 hours after going to sleep, etc....... it's all going to get a lot better once you get the alcohol out of your system.Keep reading and posting - you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Richmond,Va.
Posts: 183
Toronto has very strong AA.There will probably be someone there who speaks your native language and they will show you how to stay sober.We understand what you are going through because we suffered it too.Call the AA phone number and two men will meet you and explain things.
Liver damage doesn't show bad symptoms until the end,don't wait any longer.
Liver damage doesn't show bad symptoms until the end,don't wait any longer.
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