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Whats going on with me? What should I expect?

Old 02-02-2012, 11:46 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Workingdrunk View Post
Hello everyone. I just joined this website. I am 48 years old. Male. European background. I am professinally employed. I have been drinking heavily for the past say 13 years. I drink every evening after work. The amount of drinking has progressed to the point that I drink on average 6 tall cans of Heineken beer per evenings. Weekends usually start drinking in early afternoon. Except for the last two weekends when I have started drinking beer at 11:00 a.m. I am a binge drinker. I usually drink big quantities beer between the 6:00 p.m. to about 9- 10p.m. then stop until the next evening. I go to work everyday as a professional, but I know that I am not performing anywhere near my abilities. As this is an American site and I am from Canada I will translate the beer from metric equivalent into ounces. This is approximately 103 ounces of beer or roughly 10 regular size cans of 5% alcohol beer. On occassion I drink hard liquor, but this is the exception to the rule. Drink of choice is premium beer. I know that this is not the greatest amount of alcohol, but I am sick and tired of it and I am really worried that something is happening inside me, maybe cirrohsis, cancer or kidney disease. God I hope not. Please I have a family including a wonderful 8 year old boy who adores me and looks up to me. I want to be around to see him grow up and I am so scared that it is not going to happen. I feel like I am choosing alcohol over my family. I feel like a total moron, but I cannot stop. Every morning in the shower I tell myself that's it no more drinking, but sure enough when 5:00 p.m. rolls around it is the same thought process: "just this one more time then I will quit for good". Just keep lying to myself for years and years.

I have tried to quit on several occassions and the most that I have been able to do is a couple of months in the summer of 2007. There have been about 2 -3 other attempts that lasted for about two weeks at most. Last one was about 2 months ago and lasted 10 days. I was so sure I was going to conquer it this time, but then came the "Well just tonight and I will not buy more tomorrow." Well the "just tonight" has been going on for two months.

Interestingly, I do not seem to have any of the severe or dangerous type of withdrawal symtoms that everyone seems to state require a person to attend a detox center. Perhaps its just me or maybe it is because for whatever reason I am not susceptible to them at least for now.

I am becoming increasingly concerned about certain symptoms and am worried that I have cirrohsis or cancer or more. My symptoms are a dull mild pain under and just below my ribs on the right side and occassionally on the left side. It feels totally where my liver should be. I also get the occassional slightly sharp pain in the center of my chest just below where the two halves of my rib cage meet. I am thinking this is my gaul bladder or pancreas.
I have also pain in what I think are my kidneys. I have developed gout mostly in my right ankle also had constant pain in both elbows and slight pain in right toe. I first had symptoms about 3 years ago, pretty bad I was in bed and every movement however slight was very painful. This went on for about 2 days and then they never appeared again until about 4 months ago when the pain was so severe in my right ankle that I could hardly walk. This went on for about 7 weeks until the pain finally subsided on its own. I noticed the other day that I have a round red mark about 2 inches on my right ankel. This seems consistent with gout. I also seem to have a very noisy stomach after lunch. I usually eat vegetables at lunch, so this could be just the gas from the vegetables, but my stomach makes alot of noise. Also makes noise if I drink water after not having had any liquid for a while say 1 - 2 hours.

I have absolutely no problems with appetite, in fact I have a huge appetite most of the time. I try very hard to eat healthy (fruits vegetables and minimal red meat) and I think that for about 85% of the time I eat very healthy.

I have not sought medical treatment for any of this and have not seen my doctor for many years. He is an excellent doctor. Young and highly regarded by everyone including his fellow doctors. Problem is that he is the doctor for my entire family including my parents. No one knows about my alcohol problem except my wife and she does not know the half of it. I am so afraid of embarassment that I do not go see my doctor including for the gout. I am afraid that if my doctor ran tests the results would be off the charts, maybe I am wrong, but I am worried and embarrassed. Thinking I should stop drinking exercise, workout for 2 - 3 months and then go get a full physical, thinking that by this time tests should come back negative, but if they don't then I have a serious problem that has taken on a life of its own without alcohol.

In the past I also seem to have the occassional pain in what I have deduced is the lymph nodes in my groin or maybe the urinary tubes that go from your bladder to my penis. It is in that area. I do not know. I am thinking that this pain is in the lymph nodes because in last two months or so I have been experiencing pain in the lymph nodes on the right side of the back of my head.

I have sleep problems. Basically I fall asleep right away at approx 10:00 pm. and wake at about 2:30 p.m. After that I cannot fall asleep. I am always very depressed and anxious in the morning when I have to go to work. I had night sweats this past summer for a couple of weeks then they disappeared. Now starting to have them again but they are mild sweats almost unnoticeable, but I am so freaked out by what all this could mean that I always think of the worst possibilty.

I have so many very sad thoughts. Today I was walking on the street coming from the bank and I had to make an effort not to cry. I think this sort of morning depression and anxiety has something to do with the alcohol withdrawal.

My belly is protruding, but I think this is more of a genetic body type thing than ascites or maybe a combination of both. My wieght has been constant for the past year or so pretty much in the range of 186 - 189 pounds.

I have had all of the above symptoms for years except for the lymph node pain in the neck and the sleepless nights. Sleepless nights have been going on for about 6 months.

I am practically certain that I am going to die soon from my alcoholism, either liver disease or cancer caused by alcohol. It seems that the symptoms keep increasing and none of them go away. I just get more.

Another symptom. Forgetfullness. My short term memory is shot. I do not know if this is stress related, or if it is an indication of some sort of brain damage.

The only symptom that I have with my liver is the mild dull pain which is almost constant now. I do not have yellow skin or eyes. I do not have clubbed finger nails. I do not have itchy skin. My urine and bowel movements are normal and regular, except for my bowel movements which for the most part are ribbon stools. These ribbon stools have been going on for years as well. Maybe this is pressure against my bowel, but if it is cancer growing can it go on for years like this?

The other day I was pressing on the lower region of my rib cage firmly but not hard, I thought I could feel something, maybe some sort of bubble but if anything is was very soft almost not noticeable. I go to take shower the next day and I have a two inch yellow and grey round bruise in that same spot like as if I was hit with something there. I did not press anywhere hard enough to cause a bruise, it was more like a circular motion trying to find something which I could not. Bruise disappeared in a week.

Can anyone relate to any of this. I am really freaked out.

Thank you for your help and understanding.




I think it's time you went to the 'ol doctor and talked honeslty with him/her about your concers. Your doctor will probably order a battery of lab tests due to the alcohol intake. These would be standard blood tests and you should not worry much about having them done.

Dr. will probably order a liver/kidney enzyme panels (SGOT,SGPT, ALT, GGTP, BUN, CREAT, GLUCOSE) these are liver/kidney function tests that will indicate if your liver/kidney are in any danger. Your doctor will probably order a Uric Acid due to the fact that it appears you have had issues with gout (alcohol can have a great impact on Uric Acid). And the doctor will probably order a few other tests to check pancreas, red blood cells, size of blood cells, and anemia. As well as do some test to check for vitamin levels (B12/FOLATE and B6 can very much be effected by the amount of alcohol consumed).

Again, these are standard tests and your doctor will probably run them not because he/she thinks there is a problem, but rather to just rule things out.

Again, be honest at visit. If not, you are not doing yourself any service.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:07 PM
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Thank you for your ongoing support.

Just an update. I decided to quit yesterday and I keep getting all the more psyched up in a good way. No withdraw symptoms. Just a mild pain on my lower ride side just about where the smallest rib is at the bottom of the rib cage. Likely my liver, but this is much less in size and level of pain that I have been experiencing in the past.

1st day (24hrs) without drinking. Did not drink last night. Feel great. Most of the pains and discomforts are gone already! Last night I slept like a log. I did wake a 1:00 a.m. to go to the washroom, but how could I not I drank so much water in the evening. I do not know if I had any night sweats cause I slept so well. I am so positively psyched and enthusiatic, I feel like thats all in the past and I am never going back to the situation again. I feel 100 pounds lighter.

Last night I had to go to the post office. On my way driving back from the post office I see the beer store down the street and I get the idea, well how about just one more time to officially end it? Quickly reversed my thoughts, started to think of failing again, all of the negatives, but then I thought, I know all of the negatives but why should I buy beer, what are the good reasons to disrupt my new me, or the old me pre beer binger, what's in it for me to go and buy more beer for yet one more last time? I could not think of a single reason not even an insignficant one. Its all negatives. Quickly made a left turn, proceeded home with a smile on my face and felt great about my decision and sticking to my commitment. Went home made a healthy dinner, did a few things etc and went to bed. There was a half a bottle of white wine from last week in the fridge I could have had that but I said what for?, I'll just be disappointed in myself tomorrow. Its still sitting there all alone. Maybe I'll use it for cooking, to deglaze a pan or symbolically empty it into the sink.

I know you may all be thinking, relax its only one day, but I am really feeling good about this committment. I feel like I am actually in the process of separating myself from the beer drinking. Best part is I am developing negative view of drinking, rather than missing it, I am glad I am not doing it.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:26 PM
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Sorry, forgot to add that tomorrow, Saturday, I will commence exercising as well. I have been putting that off for quite some time. I have a commercial grade treadmill, eliptical and free wieght. Time to dust them off.
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Old 02-03-2012, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Workingdrunk View Post
...I am really feeling good about this committment.
Stay as strong to your committment when the really strong urges hit you (and they will come) and you will do fine.
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:55 PM
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Workingdrunk,

I have been following your thread, and am delighted to hear that you made it through last night. I think that I know exactly what you mean about how you are feeling....just making the decision and knowing I could carry it out even for that first night gave me so much hope the next day. It was a big difference from the "impending doom", "ashamed of myself" feelings that I had while drinking. Living in the solution instead of living in the problem in nothing but positive energy. Stay strong, and, yes, exercise will do wonders - lets out some of that pent up mental energy and stress. Forge ahead!
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Old 02-03-2012, 02:06 PM
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WD, I am so glad to read of your renewed commitment to sobriety. If you get any thoughts of backsliding, consider my little story here:

Both my older brothers were drinkers and their patterns were often like yours: drink to oblivion, but still get to work the next day.

I am extremely sorry to say they are both dead from alcoholic cirrhosis, at fairly young ages. Both had slight liver distention for a few years before full-blown cirrhosis set in and they were dead within 2 awful years. So please don't think this is a slight concern.

Every minute you spend sober now will increase your life span and your overall happiness. And any drink you might take would hurry up your death in a really ghastly manner; I still can't get the images out of my mind. Not at all seeking sympathy here as I have written about this on this board before and received much kindness; just hoping my story can help others renew their commitment to sobriety.

You hang in there WD.
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Old 02-03-2012, 02:49 PM
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Post Re:Whats going on with me? What should I expect?

Hi "WD"

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I echo the sentiments about seeing a doctor. Alcohol affects just about everything, including our vital organs, so I suggest you see a doctor immediately. As far as the disease goes, I suggest you take preventative measures now, to ensure long term sobriety. If you’re not comfortable with "AA", then try another recovery outlet -outpatient or inpatient treatments, etc. and see if that works. The more you proactively inhibit those insidious demands alcohol can put on us, the less likely you'll relapse, now or ever. So, talk with someone who has knowledge on this subject and start sobering up today.

Remember, it’s a dangerous cycle we find ourselves in, and the only way we can stop that cycle from hitting an even bigger bottom, is to start the sobering up process…now. Unless we learn to recover, our lives will eventually fall into the grips of active alcoholism, once again. I’ll pray that it won’t for you, starting today...

~God Bless~
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:16 AM
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Just Checking In

Hello everyone.

This is my day 5. Feels like one hundred years ago though in a good way. I never want to be in that situation ever again. I view myself in a much more positive way and I feel amazing about it. I have not had any withdrawal symptoms as far as I know. No night sweats, shaking, hallucinations etc. Perhaps this is because I was not at the higher end of consumption, I do not know. I have just stopped drinking cold turkey and gone about my day to day routines. I slept like a log the first night, however, have not slept as well since, but much better than before. I think that the stresses at work are a reason for the sleep issues, but I will work those out.

I still have mild pains in my abdominal region including liver area, however the pain has subsided dramatically from when I was drinking 5 days ago. Most times it is none there at all. When it is it is like someone is poking their index finger at parts of my abdomen. It is a vague type of pain, lasts for a minute or two, then subsides and reappears later in another location in my abdomen. Hopefully things are just working themselves out and this will just all come to an end. Dark circles

I have had mild cravings for beer, including thoughts of well what about just a couple of beers just this once, then I will go back. I did not acede to these cravings. I beat them back each time and got stronger each time. I know that once I give in, it will be the same story for the next day and the next day until I hit bottom again. God I do not want to ever be there again. I can think of so many negative things, the hiding, the embarassment the lowered self esteem because you had this embarassing secret, the knawing thoughts of do people suspect anything? Absolutely crazy existence. I realize that I would drink to fill a void that I made because I drank previously and avoided doing things, I got behind and pile up of various things became overwhelming. So I drank, felt tired and unmotivated and put things off to another day. Everything slowed down to an absolute crawl for me.

I went shopping several times this past weekend, including Costco, groceries stores etc. I actually felt a lot more self confident and it felt like I was walking with my head held higher and a better stride. I think this was because I no longer had that dark secret in my conscious. I have even caught women glancing at me and when I look at them they smile. Must be the increased self confidence showing. Thats great its just more reinforcement.

I have a salt water aquarium as a hobby. On Saturday I had to go to the liquor store to purchase vodka for my salt water aquarium. I dose it with about 1 ml of vodka per day (seriously, no kidding) . It is part of the process of causing chemical reactions which aid in keeping the water crystal clean which is a necessity. Vodka is the purest source of alcohol. Alcohol adds carbon to the water. I went to the liquor store bought a tiny bottle of vodka (50 ml) (just in case I gave in to temptation at home). I walked right by the beer ailse, looked at my favourite brand of ice cold beer and thought no way am I buying this stuff. Again felt great to say no and that I stuck to my committment. I went to the liquor store on purpose to prove to myself that I could do it. I have only used the alcohol to dose the aquarium and none what so ever for personal consumption.

There was also wine available for dinner last night, but I did not touch a drop. I opted for sparkling water instead. Each time I refuse alcohol I feel stronger and more self confident that the addiction/ diisease is over for me.

I also made a commitment to exercise. I did that as well this weekend. 45 minutes in total alternating between the treadmill and eliptical. I am going to do that again tonight. I have also thought of exercising everytime I am at home and feel like a beer. I have lost one pound of wieght in the last 5 days. Probably because of the reduction in calories consumed. There are 220 calories in every beer (500 ml) that I consumed. My average consumption was 6 of these beer which translates into 1,320 every night. I should see my wieght and beer belly starting to subside.

It still early in my recovery and I know that there will be challenges. I have stopped and restarted in the past, but I do not remember being this determined and happy. In the past I also was not as worried as I am now about health issues and I did not have all of the facts about all of the cancers caused by alcohol. I only thought that it affected your liver, boy was I wrong. This stuff is poison and it affects many many parts of your body. I read on the Canadian Cancer Society website that the effects of alcohol on your risks for cancer take 20 years to wear off. Just like the effects of smoking. The sooner you stop the better.

Thanks to everyone and this site. It is really helpful.
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:26 AM
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Scares the heck out of me!

Originally Posted by dawnrunner View Post
WD, I am so glad to read of your renewed commitment to sobriety. If you get any thoughts of backsliding, consider my little story here:

Both my older brothers were drinkers and their patterns were often like yours: drink to oblivion, but still get to work the next day.

I am extremely sorry to say they are both dead from alcoholic cirrhosis, at fairly young ages. Both had slight liver distention for a few years before full-blown cirrhosis set in and they were dead within 2 awful years. So please don't think this is a slight concern.

Every minute you spend sober now will increase your life span and your overall happiness. And any drink you might take would hurry up your death in a really ghastly manner; I still can't get the images out of my mind. Not at all seeking sympathy here as I have written about this on this board before and received much kindness; just hoping my story can help others renew their commitment to sobriety.

You hang in there WD.
The serious health implications scare me terribly. I so much regret every day that I drank. Fortunately for me I always had a very good heathly diet. I did at times stray and eat processed meats eg. hot dogs or go to fast food restaurants, but these were the exceptions to the rule. Generally I was really good with my diet and I had no problems with my appetite.

The threat of serious health implications will see me through. It is real and I am not going to die because of beer. No way!
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Old 02-06-2012, 08:39 AM
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Hello WD

Congrats on your decision and commitment to sobriety. Hope you are feeling a bit better. It really does get better after the 3rd or 4th day. lots of water, healthy food and vitamin b are a great help. wishing you the best of luck.
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Old 02-06-2012, 10:32 AM
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Sobriety

Sobriety is a good, interesting and motivating word. I did not think of it in this way because I functioned during the day and only drank in the evening, but at the very least I was drunk most every night, even though I did not feel drunk or show the obvious signs. I do not know, maybe I got real good at compensating for the effects. I could drink (I drank secretly most of the time, even to the extent of sneaking out of the room and drinking extra when everyone was drinking wine at the dinner table etc. ) and no one could tell most of the times, other than for my red facedness or squinty eyes. I just felt satisfied after a few large beer. There are lots of photographs of me in the past 8 - 9 years at family events and I always have squinty eyes due to the alcohol.

I know that the alcohol effects were with me in many ways long after the evening's buzz wore off by the early hours of the next morning. I did not feel drunk during the next day whatsoever because I did not drink since about 9 - 10 pm the evening prior and I drank the equivalent of approx 10 regular size beer. I did not even have a hangover 98% of the time, especially if all I drank was beer.

I "functioned" during the day in a stressful and intellectually demanding job, but it certainly affected my performance in so many ways that I it bothers me to even think about all of the ways that my life has been lessened and that I have to that extent squandered those years of my life. I have many regrets. I will never get that time back. I sincerely regret taking that time away from my loved ones and choosing to drink in the evening and be restricted as a result as to what I could do rather than to do things with them. I have also potentially seriously jeaopardized my health in the long term. Maybe I am paranoid and all I need to do is accept my own thoughts and to stop once and for all. I have been able to do it for 5 days and really despise the thought of ever going back to the former me of less than a week ago.

I just hope that I continue to have my health in the long term and that I do not get any negative surprises in the future (cancer or other drinking related diseases). I have not been sick at all (at least as far as I know) in almost two years, not even a cold or mild flu, nothing. Perhaps this is a good sign, or perhaps all the alcohol killed the germs before they had a chance to multiply.

I am going to accept that the acute depression, the low point in my emotional state that I went through during the first 3 days of the work week last week, Jan 30, 31 and Feb 1, 2012 and my consequential decision to stop the drinking as hard signal that I have to change and stop drinking for good. No more broken promises to my self and the consequential disappointment and drop in self esteem. I feel like I already have, but I know that the disease can hold challenges for me in the future.

I have been very lucky in life and I am grateful to the Almighty for all that he has given me despite all of my stupidity. I have been given alot. Someone up there is looking out for me. I will no longer take advantage of that. I am going to be a better person and make up for all of this lost time to my family.

I have a client who advised me that his former wife (divorced now) was an alcoholic for the last 10 years of their marriage. He described to me all of the usual habits eg. hiding bottles, empty and full, around the house, smelly breath, the denials, the stumbling, slurring speach, incoherence, poor appearance, mood swings etc.

He basically to me that he concluded that she was drunk for the entire last 10years of their marriage. Think about it. Constantly drunk for 10 years. This is likely fundamentally true if you think of the daily cycle of drinking and the need to maintain the buzz expecially since she did not work outside of their home.

Drunk for 10 years straight. This is alcohlism. Who wants this?
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Old 02-06-2012, 03:50 PM
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i had the same mental obsession with my health, worried about every body part that i had affected with my drinking. was afraid to tell my dr as well, and someone said it, i was afraid to tell him because it was an excuse to drink.

Be honest with yourself and everyone else and the mental obsessions about health and booze will start to go away.
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:39 PM
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You better call this phone number in Toronto before it is too late 416-487-5591.You will be dead or in the hospital within a year.You are never going to get over the alcohol problem by yourself.
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Old 02-06-2012, 07:57 PM
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I'm not sure dire predictions of doom help, winslynn.
They never had any effect on me - unless they scared me a little so I drank more?

You've made a great decision WD - and there's a lot of people here who'll be happy to share their experience with you about the various ways they got sober

D
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Old 02-07-2012, 05:54 AM
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Originally Posted by winslynn View Post
You better call this phone number in Toronto before it is too late 416-487-5591.You will be dead or in the hospital within a year.You are never going to get over the alcohol problem by yourself.
Thanks Winslynn for the strong advice. I respect the reasons why you suggest that I should seek professional help.

I have made a decision to try to stop on my own, for the last time. If I fail this time on my own, I will seek professional help, AA or whatever works. I am pretty motivated right now to stop. I have not had a drop since Feb 1, 2012. I have had mild cravings for a beer or more, but to date I have beat it down. I like to reflect on what I wrote on this site in the past week and how I was feeling then, this straightens me out real quick. When I get a craving I also like to question myself with "What's in it for me? Why drink? What benefit is there in it for me? I can't stop counting the downsides, but I cannot find an single honest genuine upside. That has worked so far. I have even tested myself by going to the liquor store and having liquor available for me. So far I have past the tests with flying colors. I am feeling better physically. I have also start exercising and that feels great too. I have all the basic equipment (good equipment actually) at home so there is no excuse about getting out to the gym.

I know that I am still very early in the process, but you have to start somewhere and so far I am passing with flying colors.

I will keep you all posted. Thank you once again for all of your help.
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Old 02-07-2012, 05:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm not sure dire predictions of doom help, winslynn.
They never had any effect on me - unless they scared me a little so I drank more?

You've made a great decision WD - and there's a lot of people here who'll be happy to share their experience with you about the various ways they got sober

D
Dee:

Dire predictions do wonders for me. I am really frightened of the consequences if I continue. I have accepted the consequences are real and they apply to me. I will decline rapidly and die an early miserable death if I continue. There is no more I 'll stop tomorrow, because that is a lie. There is no reason to stop tomorrow, that indicates a lack of commitment or willingness to stop, at least to me. There is only one way to stop and that is now. Therefore I have stopped.
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Old 02-07-2012, 02:08 PM
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Good Luck to you.I must be honest with you about your chances,I have seen so many people fail and get the worst life has to offer.It doesn't have to be that way but you may be one of those who must have a crisis in his life before you get sobriety.Most of us have quit many times during our drinking careers only to resume with less control,you don't yet understand what alcoholism is but you will start to learn now.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:13 PM
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Hey guys, the only way to stop drinking is to not drink. You can talk about it, try to analyze it but that's just putting it off.
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:36 PM
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You sound alot like I was. I am on day 20 sobriety. I did for years tell myself this was the last time I was going to buy it. Gradually my insides (same description as you basically) started hurting more and more with each drink that I took. I was suffering enough to make me quit. Detox - I hurt for about a week. I did not have tremors, but I hurt bad. - Your body is talking to you - thing is you need to answer back. Talk to your doctor and tell him everything! I think you can do it! You are thinking about it constantly so I get the feeling sometime soon your going to take on this problem head on! Just one day at a time! For you and everyone who loves you! Take care of yourself!A
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Old 02-07-2012, 03:42 PM
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It is best to go see your Physician when we
make any life changes in our life. In early
recovery they put me on Bupropion 150 mg sr
it is for minor depression and cravings
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