blackgnat

Sorry, have posted about older gfg before recently. I'll try and keep it brief.

Am going thru foreclosure. Have decided, agonisingly, that it's time to cut the cord. No worries about the youngest-he has the chance to move out of state with a friend and is very capable and independent. I have taken an apartment that has 2 bedrooms but the owner only wants one person-great deal, but it was torture for me to tell my kids we wouldn't be moving together. Didn't take it that well and I felt I was abandoning them. Am kind of getting hard now and think it's the best for us.

The gfg has a court date Thursday. Got out of jail a couple of weeks ago adn part of his court supervision was get a psych letter (hasn't done it) get a drug/alcohol eval (did that) and try to find a residential rehab leading to a sober house. He loves this idea but hasn't had success (has no insurance). Part of me wonders if he has even made the calls. I know he feels that he's gonna be out on the streets if he doesn't find a place to be. Or in jail...

I told him that I would help him in any way I could, but I work full time and he says that he has too much anxiety to make all the calls to these places. I recently gave up booze and he has been clean-it's been really pleasant-but I suspect a tactic to see how nice he can be so that mom will let him live with him when we move. I feel a different kind of feeling, like I don't want to budge on this issue. He has hit me several times when drunk (once ended up in the ICU with a bleed on the brain) and I feel I am one drink away from possibly being murdered....

So today when I left for work I kept telling him to make his calls. I would take him tomorrow to a place called Tools For Life, which sounds like it may be a good resource. This afternoon I get a text from my younger pc telling me there's alcohol in the house and just for me to be prepared.

I get home and he has drunk a 40oz beer, a Steel Reserve (tall boy with about 8% liquor content AND a bottle of whiskey, about a third of which is gone. Gfg is belligerent, says he wants to die, nobody cares about im, he'll be in jail or on the streets and will work as a male prostitute. That I have never cared about him and don't care what happens to him. All errant nonsense-I have devoted my money and energy and time to trying to "fix" everything and nothing has worked.

I just feel that these horrible things ARE going to happen and I can't believe I'm going to go through with the threats of having hiim out of the house. But I have gone beyond the call of duty with this young man. There is absolutely no gratitude. He's not even supposed to be in my house-the weather is pretty brutal and I didn't have the heart to let him out on the streets. he has a safe warm house, food in his belly, etc.

Says he's not going to court on Thursday and they can all s**k his d**k. Well if he doesn't go, is he assuming that I want to live with him in my house like this? Incredible-takes NO responsibility for his actions. Easy to say, when you're living off mom's dime. And treating me like I'm worse than dirt.Total pity party-nobody loves me, you don't care, you just can't wait to get rid of me, etc. (Sometimes i fell like this-I would NEVER wish him harm, but the strain of living with such verbal abuse is monumental. I'm also scared of him and his reactions) No point in arguing with a drunk right now, but i can't live like this....

I need to get thru to him that this is HIS life! Is this the only thing he can think of choosing? on the streets or being a male prostitute? Drinking himself to death? This kid is extremely intelligent and could have a great future ahead of him if he didn't hate himself so much. Where did that come from? He was loved from the day he was born.

Do I really just have to let him fail? How do I live with this?

How do I live with the feelings that sometimes I hate his guts and God forgive me, sometimes wonder if he wouldn't be better off dead. Can't believe I'm writing that but I would be a liar if I said I haven't thought of it. I adore him, but he's not a very nice person right now and I can't see a happy ending.

Sorry this is so long-thanks to any who got this far! Please try not to hate me for what I said in my last paragraph-I am truly at my wits end...

Dee74

hi again blackgnat

I'm sorry for all this.

I understand that feeling though. I'm sure I pushed a few people to the point of thinking pretty much the same.

You're doing a lot of thinking and worrying about your son, but what about you and your welfare in all this?

Have you looked at our Family and Friends forums - I really think that would help too.

I think you need advice from other moms who've been there.

D

davaidavai

I as well have had co-dependency issues with my mother, mutually reinforcing each other's pain, depression, etc. I can say from experience that she hasn't helped me solve any of the major problems: alcohol, depression. Not saying that your problems are totally similar.

He may surprise you with his resiliance. Sounds like he is young enough to get through all that and still grow: unlike the middle aged dudes down my block who spend all day hanging out on the street corner, begging for change, goofing off, making fun of people. Sometimes, a mother's support -- be it a very intuitive act -- isn't good for young men who need to grow out of their own mistakes. And some people never make it, but the cause isn't helped by coddling them.

Hating one's self within this context is an attention getting move, but it's also totally justified. You just can't love yourself when you're drinking Steel Reserve. Eventually, perhaps he will realize that he needs to earn self-respect by putting some good works and thoughts in between where he is now and where he wants to be.

davaidavai

Replace 'codding' with 'indulging.'

blackgnat

thanks for your replies-I probably DO need to be in the family and friends forum-I read that all the time, too. But I guess I picked this one because I am also an alcoholic trying to stay dry.

This morning we had a huge blow up-great way to start the working day! He feels unwanted yet won't take responsibility for actions. Says he might not even go to court. Called me the "c" word and then puts the headphones on and listens to stuff on the laptop. Both of which are mine. I took it away from him, he threw the headphones at me, missed and said "I hope I was gonna hit you". Then calls me 9 times this morning at work, screaming about needing the computer to live...

Davaidavai, I agree with your remarks about coddling and indulging. He's never going to learn unless I change my way of dealing with him. Very painful to do as one likes to think one did everything possible to make things right. But it's really NOT changing and nothing Ive done so far has helped...always back to the booze.

Dee, would you be willing/able to transfer this to family and friends? I agree that I need the input of those who are going and have been through this ninth circle of hell. It's all character building, but I think I've got enough of that by now.