2granddaughters

For us Alkies, especially in the beginning, the truth seldom is what we want to hear.
I hope you don't think that anyone is lying to you. We are trying to help you.

Actually, what you are saying is "I'll screw ME". I wish you the best.

Bob

Tobo

Also, I'm only being honest with myself here. I have a hard time saying I want to stop forever. I know that's more common than not with people. Would it be better if I was listing off all the aa cliches and acting like super aa guy? No it wouldn't. Be true to thy self

2granddaughters

I'm not sure you do understand what's happening here.
Please go back and re-read all of your posts, listen to what you are saying.

You will only get the truth because we are trying to help you save your life (is that compassion and understanding ??) ..or you will get brushed off because nobody will waste their time talking to the wall.

BlueMoon

When I made the decision to quit drinking, I CRAWLED into AA - I was willing to **DO ANYTHING** it took to be sober – didn’t matter if I liked it or not – night after night, I saw rooms full of happy sober people – they had what **I** wanted – for me, it was as simple as that

Miela

Hi Tobo,

Firstly, well done for reaching out for help, there is obviously a part of you - however small - that wants more for you than this. I agree with the above poster, I feel you are pushing the responsibility foryour life and your sobriety on to others.

Sapling's advice is not the reason you could go on a "2 month run", it is the choice you make to drink in reaction to what has been said. Ditto to the comment made to you in AA.

Again, you choose to go/not go to a meeting. Take responsibility for yourself Tobo, stop making others scape goats for your bad choices.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh Tobo, but you will be saying the same things and blaming others until the day you die. It is up to you to change this and it is 100% possible. It will get easier but it won't start getting any better until you start being completely honest with yourself.

I wish you all the success on your journey. You deserve better than this.

M

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Tobo.

I definitely can relate—had very mixed emotions about quitting. It was hard to imagine living my whole life without it. But it got to the point where I also hated my life with alcohol, and wasn't sure how much longer I'd live if I kept drinking, so I threw in the towel.

But the further I get from my last drink—and it's been over a year now—the more I love not drinking. It's a huge change, but it sounds to me like on some level, you're ready for it. And it's great that you've got friends and family encouraging you.

I'm not in AA, by the way. There are lots of folks here who aren't. Glad you found us, and I'm glad you're thinking about giving it another go. You really can do it!

ReadyAndAble

By the way, I appreciate you being honest about your feelings. Not sure why you're getting a downright hostile response in some cases, but you are right, that's exactly what these boards are for!

2granddaughters

That's why I asked you to re-read your posts.

To me (and I'm a crusty old *art who's almost 68) it is very difficult to communicate on a website rather than F2F. I don't know who you are (you may be sitting there in your underwear scratching yourself and drinking a beer) and I can't look at you like one can at a meeting and get a read for your situation and where you are at and coming from.

I try to be absolutely accurate and honest in my posts, as the "4 Agreements" say- impeccable in my words.

Again, I only wish you the best and if I seem to be trying to push you rest assured that I am trying to push you AWAY from Hell and not into it.

Sapling

I don't think anybody is giving you any bad advice...I don't think it would matter one way or the other. You come onto a recovery site and post something like this...I'm really not sure what you are looking for...I think the title of your thread sums it up...Here I go again. Not exactly asking for help the way I see it. Like I said before....When the time is right...You'll know it...I wish you the best.

ReadyAndAble

No bad advice? I'm pretty sure that if someone says they're on the fence about drinking, the most helpful response is not to suggest they just keep drinking.

Tobo was simply being honest. His posts are exactly what I expect to see on a recovery site. I, for one, hope he posts again. Hopefully he won't be trampled next time by all the high horses.

BlueMoon

It has been my experience, in my long history with alcoholism, that telling someone why they shouldn't drink just does not work.

ReadyAndAble

Whatever. This thread speaks for itself. I'm glad I didn't receive a welcome like this when I first turned to SR for support.

Sapling

I disagree with you...Saying I don't want to do it and I want to be normal was his take not mine. I am in AA and I work my program from the Big Book...It saved my life...Because I did want to do it. Here's a little sample for you.

We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

bb pg 31-32

This didn't make me want to drink....I wasn't looking for a normal way of drinking...I was looking for a way to quit for good. You can pity this guy and stroke him all night....If he doesn't want to stop...Or make an effort...I'd say the chances are slim.

DayTrader

You're right, they probably do.......but not necessarily. As far as compassion and understanding go - if I'm sticking my hand in a meat grinder, it's probably best someone tell me to stop doing it and/or rip me away from the machine. Telling me "I understand how your hand must hurt you poor dear" may sound good but there's no real value in it.

I've only been on this site a couple years and from what I've seen, there's plenty of love, compassion, understanding and rooting of each other on. For those who suffer from alcoholism though, that's not going to do the trick. Some need to be shown a solution (ie. get pulled away from the grinder) and still more need to be told they've even GOT their hand in there in the first place.

I wish you the best - really. There is at least one way I know that works that promises you freedom from all those lurking thoughts that seem to never go away.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Tobo

SR is a forum for those recovering from alcohol and substance abuse addictions and help for family and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's addiction.

If you fit in there somewhere this is the place for you

Personally, I expect to see people here who are still drinking or wanting to - this place is for them as much as it is for the 20 year sober veteran

When I came here in 2007, I didn't know what I was going to do either.

Some responses really filled my heart with joy - just knowing I wasn't alone was an amazing feeling..

Some others really ticked me off - but I did come to see in time that all of them, the hugs and not hugs alike, were from people taking time out trying to help me...and they did - SR changed my life.

Try and see things from that point of view - and don't let your addiction win - in my experience noone can make you drink Topo - and noone can stop you either...thats your job

I really hope you'll stick around - no matter how good the intent, if we drive anyone away, then we haven't done our job properly....

This is a great community, and you will find help and support and understanding here

D

Tobo

Hello, just got back from the meeting. Many people were glad to see I made it back and were supportive. That was a nice feeling.

I appreciate everyone's input and do understand that people are trying to help, even if I don't always agree with the way people go about things. I was def not trying to be oppositional before nor was I trying to start a disagreement. I learned long ago that "if you can't help an alcoholic, sure as hell don't hurt them". Many people in aa don't like to give the advice of the bb on controlled drinking bc many alcoholics don't ever make it back. If you look at my previous posts I thought I was clear in saying that it wasn't anybody elses fault that I drink or drank, but sometimes we are just waiting for that reason to go back out. I for one don't want to give anybody a reason to drink. I dont always explain myself clearly in written language. Especially when I'm quickly typing on a iPad.

I was just trying to explain my dissonance of wanting the pain to stop but also to continue to do what I want. Trust me, I know that this is not possible. But that doesnt mean that's not how I feel. Readyandable I appreciate you understanding where I'm coming from.

Maybe it's best that I refrain from posting here for a while and go back to lurking.

Sapling

I don't think you should lurk...You went to a meeting...Didn't drink...That shows willingness....Be proud of that....That's a good start. You just have to lose the idea of drinking like normal drinkers...It has to be smashed....I'm glad you went to the meeting. I hope you heard something you needed to hear.

DayTrader

Ha.... that's exactly how I was. Wanting to drink with impunity.....or at least with some trouble I could handle. I mean, I was willing to pay "some" price, I just couldn't keep taking the continually upped ante. The game, as they say, was getting too rich for my blood.

Never let it be said that you HAVE to want to quit to stop drinking...... I haven't had a drink in almost 5 yrs and I didn't "want" to stop when stopped. About the best I could muster was I wanted to want to stop. LOL. Just goes to show ya, you don't have to believe in AA, like AA, want to be there or think it'll work...........just do the steps and you'll change and your drinking problem will fall off you like a snake sheds old skin.

And lurk........or post........ whatever floats your boat. I've always learned new things from other ppl........not from what i've said.

susanlauren

I wanted to drink and I wanted sobriety too. At the exact same time. If I could have drank the way I wanted with impunity, I would have continued to do so. What I didn't want was the pain and I didn't want the negative consequences that drinking caused me. I would have told you I wanted to drink socially and moderately -- but truth be told I loved the feeling of being anesthetized. That feeling took more than one or two drinks. I understand the ambivalence. I was ambivalent myself when I first began this journey. I did not want to embrace the reality that I couldn't have my cake and eat it too. I hated that I could not drink -- that it was far easier to not drink at all as compared to trying to control my drinking. I had to make a decision. Was I going to work at recovery or was I going to work at drinking? I could do nothing to change the fact that I was and I am an alcoholic. But there was a lot I could do to avoid falling further into the abyss.

Tobo

Well day 2 pretty much in the books. Been a long day. Work, counseling appt. and just finished a workout. Been feeling anxious all day and mentally pissed. Not really sure what to do. Just so confused with the absoluteness of AA. I feel like I've been brainwashed into its either dEath by drinking and drugs or a lifetime of service in AA. There is no grey area. I don't think I really believe this is the case. I feel like if I don't do AA but stop drinking that I am going to be miserable. Oh well, I just need to finish today out and focus on tomorrow.

Also I was bullied into going to rehab when I was against it. I just read the thread on here about life insurance and going to rehab. That makes me even angrier. Now I'm in a situation that if I lose my job I won't be able to get health insurance. Or if I need life insurance I'm screwed. Honestly all of this stuff makes you wonder why the hell to even push through things.