Here I go again?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Here I go again?
Hello everyone,
I've been lurking for past few weeks and felt it was time to start a personal thread. A little about me. I'm 36 and have been drinking heavily for about 20 years. I've had two periods of sobriety in the past 5 years. Both periods were a few days shy of 6 months. This last one ending November 20th. I started drinking about 2 hours after I ran my first marathon. This past year has been tough. In may my friends contacted my family and had an intervention bc of their concerns for me. I was engaging in very risky behaviors and somewhat suicidal. I reluctantly went to rehab for two weeks and was pissed. It lugged out for 6 months going to aa almost daily. I was kinda miserable in that period. So now I've been two months back into drinking and using. It hasn't got much better.
On one hand I've been controlling it by only drinking on thurs- Sunday. But when I drink it's usually 12 beers and the. I want other stuff. My finances are a wreck again and I basically hate myself. I don't mow what to do. I don't want to do the whole aa thing again, but I don't know what else to do. It sucks bc in the mornings I'm ready to stop. Then it wears off and I tell myself to suck it up. I only had 4 drinks last night and am considering going to a meeting tonight. It will be embarrassing to go back but less embarrassing then getting arrested and losing my job.
I'm def looking for help. Any suggestions on how to improve this???
I've been lurking for past few weeks and felt it was time to start a personal thread. A little about me. I'm 36 and have been drinking heavily for about 20 years. I've had two periods of sobriety in the past 5 years. Both periods were a few days shy of 6 months. This last one ending November 20th. I started drinking about 2 hours after I ran my first marathon. This past year has been tough. In may my friends contacted my family and had an intervention bc of their concerns for me. I was engaging in very risky behaviors and somewhat suicidal. I reluctantly went to rehab for two weeks and was pissed. It lugged out for 6 months going to aa almost daily. I was kinda miserable in that period. So now I've been two months back into drinking and using. It hasn't got much better.
On one hand I've been controlling it by only drinking on thurs- Sunday. But when I drink it's usually 12 beers and the. I want other stuff. My finances are a wreck again and I basically hate myself. I don't mow what to do. I don't want to do the whole aa thing again, but I don't know what else to do. It sucks bc in the mornings I'm ready to stop. Then it wears off and I tell myself to suck it up. I only had 4 drinks last night and am considering going to a meeting tonight. It will be embarrassing to go back but less embarrassing then getting arrested and losing my job.
I'm def looking for help. Any suggestions on how to improve this???
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Tobo 
I don't want to do the whole aa thing again, but I don't know what else to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Just got back from a run. Was hoping that could help with detox and anxiety levels.
I was doing aa daily. Did not get a sponsor and did the steps on my own. I just had a lot of issues with some of the absoluteness of aa. The rehab I went to was 12 step based and I've been very educated on that whole process. I just really don't want to do it. I want to be normal again. I want to keep on partying and have wild experiences. However I don't want the self loathing and unmanageability that comes with it. It's like rolling the dice. Sometimes I have a blast. Other times I wake up suicidal. This sucks.
I was doing aa daily. Did not get a sponsor and did the steps on my own. I just had a lot of issues with some of the absoluteness of aa. The rehab I went to was 12 step based and I've been very educated on that whole process. I just really don't want to do it. I want to be normal again. I want to keep on partying and have wild experiences. However I don't want the self loathing and unmanageability that comes with it. It's like rolling the dice. Sometimes I have a blast. Other times I wake up suicidal. This sucks.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Tobo
Just got back from a run. Was hoping that could help with detox and anxiety levels.
I was doing aa daily. Did not get a sponsor and did the steps on my own. I just had a lot of issues with some of the absoluteness of aa. The rehab I went to was 12 step based and I've been very educated on that whole process. I just really don't want to do it. I want to be normal again. I want to keep on partying and have wild experiences. However I don't want the self loathing and unmanageability that comes with it. It's like rolling the dice. Sometimes I have a blast. Other times I wake up suicidal. This sucks.
I was doing aa daily. Did not get a sponsor and did the steps on my own. I just had a lot of issues with some of the absoluteness of aa. The rehab I went to was 12 step based and I've been very educated on that whole process. I just really don't want to do it. I want to be normal again. I want to keep on partying and have wild experiences. However I don't want the self loathing and unmanageability that comes with it. It's like rolling the dice. Sometimes I have a blast. Other times I wake up suicidal. This sucks.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Thanks sapling. I do know that I need to be completely committed to this in order for it to work. When I was in aa I felt like I was in purgatory. Didn't want to have the consequences from drinking, but didn't want to be mr. AA. I don't want to stop drinking, but I want the bad **** to go away. The things I always say I will never do creep back in once I get buzzed up. I'm scared that I won't get control over this before it's to late. Then I will have lost things that will force me to be sober.
AA is based on grabbing the program like a drowning man seizing a life preserver. I'm not sure I want that though. This is such a frustrating place to be in. I was thinking of going to a meeting tonight, but as you said why even start if I'm not ready?
AA is based on grabbing the program like a drowning man seizing a life preserver. I'm not sure I want that though. This is such a frustrating place to be in. I was thinking of going to a meeting tonight, but as you said why even start if I'm not ready?
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Originally Posted by Tobo
This is such a frustrating place to be in. I was thinking of going to a meeting tonight, but as you said why even start if I'm not ready?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Sapling, thanks for your input. I understand your intentions but I must tell you to be careful with that advice. I'm the kind of person who will say he's right then go back into a 2 month run.
When I was getting near the end of my last AA stint I was battling with the desire to stay sober. I ended up wanting to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. An AA member said to me " we aren't here to talk anyone into sobriety". Not that it was his fault, but it was my green light
When I was getting near the end of my last AA stint I was battling with the desire to stay sober. I ended up wanting to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. An AA member said to me " we aren't here to talk anyone into sobriety". Not that it was his fault, but it was my green light
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Originally Posted by Tobo
I just really don't want to do it. I want to be normal again. I want to keep on partying and have wild experiences. However I don't want the self loathing and unmanageability that comes with it.
I don't go to AA, but thats step 1.
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You remind me of a kid I was in rehab with...He told me the only reason he was there was because his parents made him go. He told me he would do any drug that was put in front of him...Wether he knew what it was or not. He packed his bags and left with another guy about a week before he was through....He came down to my room and told me he was leaving because he was too young to stop partying....Too much left to do. I went back and saw my counselor when I got six months sober and I asked about him...She told me she heard from his mother....He was dead. We both cried....He was 22 years old. Just be careful with what you are playing with.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Just wanna say that I am agreeing with Sapling 110% here.
My OWN humble opinion:
YES! “AA is based on grabbing the program like a drowning man seizing a life preserver”
Most of us in AA aren’t kiddin’ around. We can’t afford to.
If **I** drink, **I** die.
Literally.
No sh!t.
If you wanna go out on another “2 month run” – go for it.
We certainly can’t stop you – and really, it’s not why **I** am here.
**I** am here to support people who WANT TO STOP.
Respectfully,
Blue
My OWN humble opinion:
YES! “AA is based on grabbing the program like a drowning man seizing a life preserver”
Most of us in AA aren’t kiddin’ around. We can’t afford to.
If **I** drink, **I** die.
Literally.
No sh!t.
If you wanna go out on another “2 month run” – go for it.
We certainly can’t stop you – and really, it’s not why **I** am here.
**I** am here to support people who WANT TO STOP.
Respectfully,
Blue
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 84
i just read the whole line of comments on here, and all I can tell you is that if you are not ready to everything that it takes, then you won't ever get past it....
Geez, your people cared enough to do an intervention for you....I wish I had that kind of love and support.
Geez, your people cared enough to do an intervention for you....I wish I had that kind of love and support.
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Posts: 127
I appreciate and understand everyone's input here. Kinda been planning on hitting a meeting tonight. But honestly, after reading the comments from some people i am kinda feeling like screw it. Apparently it's not going to work for me so I might as well continue trying to control things. Pretty discouraging honestly. Wasnt exactly what I was hoping for by posting
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Just wanted to say don't feel like the Lone Ranger, Tobo. I did the exact same level of AA involvement after some treatment programs, and had the same thoughts that you mentioned at that time. Didn't work any better for me then than it did for you, and I wondered why and took guesses but didn't really know.
What you may want to avoid is selling yourself on the idea that you actually did try the substance of what AA has to offer. That way if you do decide later on to do all the stuff you can go into that knowing you're making an actual start on your recovery instead of holding yourself way out on the fringe of AA. That does an alocholic no real good at all.
When you're willing to do a bunch of things you don't want to do in the least bit that you're sure will not work and have no purpose in your special case, then that's a great time to go to AA and begin to stay sober for the rest of your lifetime. Any earlier is generally a waste of time, unfortunately. Sure would be great if lite-AA worked out well, but sadly it doesn't seem to.
Good luck on your journey.
What you may want to avoid is selling yourself on the idea that you actually did try the substance of what AA has to offer. That way if you do decide later on to do all the stuff you can go into that knowing you're making an actual start on your recovery instead of holding yourself way out on the fringe of AA. That does an alocholic no real good at all.
When you're willing to do a bunch of things you don't want to do in the least bit that you're sure will not work and have no purpose in your special case, then that's a great time to go to AA and begin to stay sober for the rest of your lifetime. Any earlier is generally a waste of time, unfortunately. Sure would be great if lite-AA worked out well, but sadly it doesn't seem to.
Good luck on your journey.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Tobo
I appreciate and understand everyone's input here. Kinda been planning on hitting a meeting tonight. But honestly, after reading the comments from some people i am kinda feeling like screw it. Apparently it's not going to work for me so I might as well continue trying to control things. Pretty discouraging honestly. Wasnt exactly what I was hoping for by posting
That said, I've read through the comments and I wonder if maybe, perhaps, you're looking for a reason to say screw it and to keep on doing what you've been doing?
The thought of giving up my "party life" concerned me in the beginning. I'll tell you this though, I had no idea how much better life in recovery would be than that old familiar party life. How could I, I'd never experienced it before?
Recovery from alcoholism though, will probably require more than going to a meeting here and there. Getting free from self hatred, anxiety, worry......those are some pretty good payoffs though. I hope you'll consider your future carefully.
stepping on my way...
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,079
"I don't want to stop drinking, but I want the bad **** to go away. The things I always say I will never do creep back in once I get buzzed up. I'm scared that I won't get control over this before it's to late. Then I will have lost things that will force me to be sober."
screw control it isnt there and never will be with alcohol. the bad **** and alcohol go hand in hand..don't you get it? theres no "controling" it. Go to AA until you like it! or find something that works for you. but you have to stop drinking or nothing will get better!!! sorry but that's just my advice. this thread upsets me. this is a place for ppl who want to quit alcohol NOT just keep drinking and HOPE the **** will go away! at least it is understood by most here thats not the way it works; myself included!
ok ill leave it at that. just my two cents if it is worth anything!
screw control it isnt there and never will be with alcohol. the bad **** and alcohol go hand in hand..don't you get it? theres no "controling" it. Go to AA until you like it! or find something that works for you. but you have to stop drinking or nothing will get better!!! sorry but that's just my advice. this thread upsets me. this is a place for ppl who want to quit alcohol NOT just keep drinking and HOPE the **** will go away! at least it is understood by most here thats not the way it works; myself included!
ok ill leave it at that. just my two cents if it is worth anything!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: london
Posts: 52
On one hand I've been controlling it by only drinking on thurs- Sunday. But when I drink it's usually 12 beers and the. I want other stuff. My finances are a wreck again and I basically hate myself. I don't mow what to do. I don't want to do the whole aa thing again, but I don't know what else to do. It sucks bc in the mornings I'm ready to stop. Then it wears off and I tell myself to suck it up. I only had 4 drinks last night and am considering going to a meeting tonight. It will be embarrassing to go back but less embarrassing then getting arrested and losing my job.
I'm def looking for help. Any suggestions on how to improve this???[/QUOTE]
tabo you know whats comeing if you drink again you have choice go to a meeting try something new repeating what you aways do will only end up the same way!!!!!! "if nothing changes nothing changes"
I'm def looking for help. Any suggestions on how to improve this???[/QUOTE]
tabo you know whats comeing if you drink again you have choice go to a meeting try something new repeating what you aways do will only end up the same way!!!!!! "if nothing changes nothing changes"
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Posts: 127
As I said before I do appreciate everyone's input. But I do find some of the advice dangerous. Obviously there is a part of me that desires to change my life and I've seen that it will be better in many ways if I'm sober. If I wasn't under the lash, I wouldn't be posting here. On the other hand, am I the only person considering quitting drinking that has mixed emotions? I already know the answer to that. Most people with substance issues have a hard time letting go of their usage. We want to hold on to it and try and do it "right". I do agree that if you are committed to programs you have a better chance. But I've seen many people go into aa committed to their recovery only to relapse quickly.
I understand the "tough love" thing here, but wow. If someone is here they obviously have some desire to stop. Compassion and understanding?
I understand the "tough love" thing here, but wow. If someone is here they obviously have some desire to stop. Compassion and understanding?
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