Think I'm gonna' drink
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Think I'm gonna' drink
Think I'm going to have a few beers. My 21 year old son who is a 4.0 winner and graduating senior at the Naval Academy is visiting. He just proceeded to tell me I didn't try hard enough as a Mom and his abusive alcoholic Father was not to blame...I was...because I must have provoked him. I told him I did the best I could do at the time and he said that was bs ...that I could have done better. He jumps on me for smoking cigs and says bipolar and alcoholism are just a matter of will power. He says I whine, complain and blame. I am forever supporting him in his endeavors. I don't criticize him. I married two abusive alcoholic men and had a son with each. I divorced both of them when the children were very young. I just wnet through a year of hell with my addict younger son. He is gone....his choice. But now my older son is picking on me. I'm sick of both the ******* fathers and the sons at this point. And my oldest says I'm not successful...I told him depends on how you measure success. I'm not going to discuss his Dad with him anymore but I'm tired of this crap
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Drinking may seem like a decent idea.....it'll get you out of the pain, temporarily but you and I both know it won't fix anything, will be yet another "failure' and will probably make matters worse.
There is, of course, the option to embrace real recovery-- core recovery, getting healthy, working through these 'issues' in a positive manner and living a happy life.....
There is, of course, the option to embrace real recovery-- core recovery, getting healthy, working through these 'issues' in a positive manner and living a happy life.....
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
Stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself how drinking is going to improve this situation. If you can find valid reasons then go right ahead.
I have yet to encounter a problem in life that my getting drunk would improve. I have looked for them more times than I can count. A 16 year old daughter who was raped by an adult religious leader, loss of my business, a grandson born with HLHS (basically half a heart) and just recently cancer. Each time I told myself I deserved a drink. If ever there was a reason to drink one of the afore mentioned were it. So on and so on......
The truth is I am less effective when drunk, end of story. So far I have been able to get through all of the above over the last 13 years. Daughter has a great career and is quite happy, started a new company, grandson just turned 9 and is great, and so far so good on the cancer. Booze would not have improved my situation because I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and alcohol and problems don't mix for me.
Just my experience, Good luck to you, I wish you well.
Jon
I have yet to encounter a problem in life that my getting drunk would improve. I have looked for them more times than I can count. A 16 year old daughter who was raped by an adult religious leader, loss of my business, a grandson born with HLHS (basically half a heart) and just recently cancer. Each time I told myself I deserved a drink. If ever there was a reason to drink one of the afore mentioned were it. So on and so on......
The truth is I am less effective when drunk, end of story. So far I have been able to get through all of the above over the last 13 years. Daughter has a great career and is quite happy, started a new company, grandson just turned 9 and is great, and so far so good on the cancer. Booze would not have improved my situation because I AM AN ALCOHOLIC and alcohol and problems don't mix for me.
Just my experience, Good luck to you, I wish you well.
Jon
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Windblown,
You must've done a little something right !!
Homeless orphans have a tough time graduating 4.0 from college.
I was unduly critical of my folks at that age. ......2 lifetimes ago.
Drinking "a few" never worked out so good for me. Never helped a damn thing really.
Hope you'll be able to stop, and reflect on a few of the very REAL things in your life from sobriety.
Hang tough tonight.
You must've done a little something right !!
Homeless orphans have a tough time graduating 4.0 from college.
I was unduly critical of my folks at that age. ......2 lifetimes ago.
Drinking "a few" never worked out so good for me. Never helped a damn thing really.
Hope you'll be able to stop, and reflect on a few of the very REAL things in your life from sobriety.
Hang tough tonight.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Of course, drinking will make things worse.
It sounds like your son is angry and needs to get things out. I'm sorry that he is blaming you. What I know is that each of us in on a journey. Your journey is yours and your son's journey is his and blaming and judging is pointless.
It sounds like your son is angry and needs to get things out. I'm sorry that he is blaming you. What I know is that each of us in on a journey. Your journey is yours and your son's journey is his and blaming and judging is pointless.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by Windblown 
I told him I did the best I could do at the time and he said that was bs ...that I could have done better. He jumps on me for smoking cigs and says bipolar and alcoholism are just a matter of will power. He says I whine, complain and blame. I am forever supporting him in his endeavors.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm glad you decided to go to a meeting instead 
The thing about drinking over a problem is it never solves anything - and by the end it never even gave me peace.
I'm sorry your sons being combative and unfair, but the correct response is to be who you are now. Take pride in the effort and the distance its taken to be where you are now.
Noone can take that away from us - unless we let them
stand tall
D
The thing about drinking over a problem is it never solves anything - and by the end it never even gave me peace.
I'm sorry your sons being combative and unfair, but the correct response is to be who you are now. Take pride in the effort and the distance its taken to be where you are now.
Noone can take that away from us - unless we let them
stand tall
D
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NS, Canada
Posts: 160
Why is that a reason for you to drink? ... I'm not being uncaring. I am sorry you are stressed with family things. It is difficult. You have an opportunity right now to SHOW them the better person that you are - by not drinking. Actions speak WAY louder than words.
(I re-read and saw that you are going to a meeting - good job!)
Personally, I would walk away from the drama and attitude and negativity ... and let him know that you are always there if/when he'd like to talk, as adults, about what you both can do to help the situation and to plan for a happier future. You both have to be willing to talk and make a plan, or it's just going to be a sore subject that will get beaten to death.
That's just me though. I dislike negativity and arguing more than anything. I'm not afraid to argue or bicker, but I usually choose to walk away and make my own plan, and concentrate on being healthy and moving forward.
Good luck with your situation. Remember, you can't control others' feelings or the situation, but you can control how you react. You always have choices.
(I re-read and saw that you are going to a meeting - good job!)
Personally, I would walk away from the drama and attitude and negativity ... and let him know that you are always there if/when he'd like to talk, as adults, about what you both can do to help the situation and to plan for a happier future. You both have to be willing to talk and make a plan, or it's just going to be a sore subject that will get beaten to death.
That's just me though. I dislike negativity and arguing more than anything. I'm not afraid to argue or bicker, but I usually choose to walk away and make my own plan, and concentrate on being healthy and moving forward.
Good luck with your situation. Remember, you can't control others' feelings or the situation, but you can control how you react. You always have choices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm so glad you went to a meeting instead of drinking.
I hope your son learns to be proud of a mother who overcomes her problems with alcohol. Sometimes kids (and he still is one) lash out at the parent who is available to them, in this case you. It's taken me a lot of work to see my parents as human beings separate from me, with their own problems, demons and lives.
Hugs.
I hope your son learns to be proud of a mother who overcomes her problems with alcohol. Sometimes kids (and he still is one) lash out at the parent who is available to them, in this case you. It's taken me a lot of work to see my parents as human beings separate from me, with their own problems, demons and lives.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Life is complicated. Relationships are hard. Parenting is hard. Being a child of alcoholics is very hard.
I am ACOA and had two children who ended up becoming an addict and I divorced him. I was wise enough to spend a lot of time in counseling to help me parent my children well despite the broken family and addiction issues. I made sure my kids spent time in counseling too and this worked very well for our family.
It's never too late to work on relationships and developing empathy for others we love... even our parents and children!
See if your son is interested in counseling ... it could be great for both of you and help you grow through this situation.
I am ACOA and had two children who ended up becoming an addict and I divorced him. I was wise enough to spend a lot of time in counseling to help me parent my children well despite the broken family and addiction issues. I made sure my kids spent time in counseling too and this worked very well for our family.
It's never too late to work on relationships and developing empathy for others we love... even our parents and children!
See if your son is interested in counseling ... it could be great for both of you and help you grow through this situation.
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Good for you for not drinking over this!
However I must say that it seems to me you need to take a step back and look at your son's words with more perspective. It doesn't sound like he's had the easiest time of it - maybe he is misplacing some blame....but he is young, and probably has some justified anger. Given your reaction, I can kind of see why he gets frustrated with you.
However I must say that it seems to me you need to take a step back and look at your son's words with more perspective. It doesn't sound like he's had the easiest time of it - maybe he is misplacing some blame....but he is young, and probably has some justified anger. Given your reaction, I can kind of see why he gets frustrated with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Wow, I could have written this a while back so my heart goes out to you. My son is now 25 but was 17 when I got sober. For the early YEARS of sobriety I was to blame for everything that went wrong in the world and "I hate you" was so common that I think he even said it in his sleep. Looking back now I think I was a "safe" target because I was the only constant in his life and he knew, no matter what, that I would have his back.
Like you, I made some bad relationship choices and being as I was a single parent to him he was forced along for the ride and still has resentments about it today. Every time he has brought it up I stop, listen to him, acknowledge his pain and anger, apologize for my part (depending on what it is he is mad about) and tell him that I wish I could go back and change it but that is impossible so I am trying my best, today, to not repeat the same mistakes and to be the best mom (and grandma) TODAY that I am capable of being. We have had this conversation multiple times and it seems resolved and then something else goes wrong for him and once again I am to blame.
Mentally chanting the Serenity Prayer and learning to let him be where he is and not taking all that stuff back on were (are) key to my sobriety and sanity.
I hope that this helps you. I recommend trying some of the things I mentioned (allow him to speak without interruption, acknowledge and own your part in the mistakes that affected him, apologize sincerely without excuses, ask him what he feels you can do to right things, do so if possible, make a living amends to him by not repeating past mistakes, tell him you are making living amends and explain the concept, pray that he finds peace and happiness, let him know that you are there for him when he wants/needs to talk but you are not his whipping post and then step back from the situation until he is calm.)
In the meantime I hope you did make your meeting instead of drinking (which would totally ENFORCE AND JUSTIFY in his mind that nothing has changed.)
Hang in there and don't drink no matter what,
Kellye
Like you, I made some bad relationship choices and being as I was a single parent to him he was forced along for the ride and still has resentments about it today. Every time he has brought it up I stop, listen to him, acknowledge his pain and anger, apologize for my part (depending on what it is he is mad about) and tell him that I wish I could go back and change it but that is impossible so I am trying my best, today, to not repeat the same mistakes and to be the best mom (and grandma) TODAY that I am capable of being. We have had this conversation multiple times and it seems resolved and then something else goes wrong for him and once again I am to blame.
Mentally chanting the Serenity Prayer and learning to let him be where he is and not taking all that stuff back on were (are) key to my sobriety and sanity.
I hope that this helps you. I recommend trying some of the things I mentioned (allow him to speak without interruption, acknowledge and own your part in the mistakes that affected him, apologize sincerely without excuses, ask him what he feels you can do to right things, do so if possible, make a living amends to him by not repeating past mistakes, tell him you are making living amends and explain the concept, pray that he finds peace and happiness, let him know that you are there for him when he wants/needs to talk but you are not his whipping post and then step back from the situation until he is calm.)
In the meantime I hope you did make your meeting instead of drinking (which would totally ENFORCE AND JUSTIFY in his mind that nothing has changed.)
Hang in there and don't drink no matter what,
Kellye
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I like what KellyeC just said, there are many positive things in those suggestions. I especially like the ideas for ways that you can talk about his feelings that will benefit both of you.
But first, you need a different way of looking at this so that you can make that conversation possible. How about this? This is not about you. Think instead about how your son might be feeling right now. As my Ma said many times, 'Put yourself in the other person's shoes'. This can help you come to a position of compassion for him instead of a position of hurt feelings.
I feel that you have the stuff for this, Windblown. Give it a try - it might not be quite so breezy for you if you do.
But first, you need a different way of looking at this so that you can make that conversation possible. How about this? This is not about you. Think instead about how your son might be feeling right now. As my Ma said many times, 'Put yourself in the other person's shoes'. This can help you come to a position of compassion for him instead of a position of hurt feelings.
I feel that you have the stuff for this, Windblown. Give it a try - it might not be quite so breezy for you if you do.
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