afraziaaaa

I have been in and out of recovery since I was 17. in my teens it was drugs, which brought be to my knees very quickly. I know that I am an addict, but I really struggle with whether or not I am a REAL alcoholic. In March of 2009 I went to AA and worked a program. I just wanted to stop drinking so I wouldn't gain weight anymore (my job is one that requires me to be under a certain weight). I knew that NA worked for me, so I assumed AA would work to keep me sober and it did, but I never really believed that I was a REAL alcoholic. I was sober for 17 months before I drank again. When I drank again, I couldn't remember why I had quit in the first place. Is it possible that I am not a REAL alcoholic and am simply an addict who is using alcohol to feed addiction? Or, are addiction and alcoholism two different things? They sure seem to be because drugs tok me down swiftly, but that is not so much the case with alcohol.

I definitely have a drinking problem because I frequently (almost daily) drink more than what could be argued as healthy, but I tell myself that I still have control of my drinking because there are instances of it (at least they seem like instances). For example, I can drink 3 beers and stop because I am tired and I have to work tomorrow. That happens sometimes, but more often than that I have time to drink 8-10 and be good and loaded with time to get sleep and be functional in the morning. To me, this is being able to control it. Am I kidding myself?

This past Monday I woke up at 430 after a night of hard drinking with the shakes and craving that morning drink that helps me "taper off". I didn't take that drink and at this moment I had a small moment of clarity. I realized that whether I was a real alcoholic or not, that if I kept living the way I had been I would wind up with some serious medical problems. Here I decided to really try some controlled drinking. I didn't drink Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday because I woke up each day and said "I won't drink today no matter what" and I didn't. To me, this is having control. Am I delusional here?

Thursday was a work function at which I knew there would be social drinking. Thursday I told myself "maybe I will drink, and if I do I will only have a couple because I have to get back to my hotel and do homework." The dinner came around and I had three beers. At this point, I made a (seemingly) conscious decision to continue drinking with my peers instead of going back to my hotel. I ended up drinking around 12 beers, but my mind tells me that I have control because I made a decision to continue drinking. To me, this also seems like some sort of control.

The way I interpret the AA literature is that there is no decision after the first drink. In my mind, there seems to be a decision every time for me. I drink because I want to, or because I enjoy the buzz, or because of ______. I have a morning drink (or 2) to "taper off the hangover so I can function better". Sometimes these morning drinks turn into a day of drinking but it always seems like a conscious choice because I WANT to drink. With drugs it was different. I got high many times when I didn't want to, but I always want to drink. I have never taken a drink when I didn't really want to except for today.

I woke up again at 330 after a night of drinking. I can never get to sleep again when this happens because my mind is racing and I have mild shakes. So, I told myself I would have a drink so I could taper off the hangover and get back to sleep. But, because of my moment of clarity on Monday and decision to try some controlled drinking, I didn't really WANT that drink (which has now turned into 5 by the way).

Please give me some feedback. I really need help seeing myself clearly. If I am a REAL alcoholic, then I want to see it clearly. I can still stop drinking when I have to, but most times I don't want to. Alcohol hasn't caused the same destruction in my life that drugs have. I would have done or neglected almost anything to get, use and find ways and means to get more drugs. This seemingly is not the case with alcohol but I do not know if I am seeing clearly.

With alcohol, I can usually afford to never run out and I don't have to steal, rob or con to get it. I am really baffled by alcohol and alcoholism. Any help anyone can offer is appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read.

omenapt

WOW Afaz..!

Dont take this the wrong way, but your "questioning " phase sounds more like my "bottom". Your description of your drinking patterns screams "alcoholic"..and thats OK , thats why you are here! The AA Big Book will have stories that will describe you to a tee. Try reading the book over and over until you see yourself in the book! I am glad you are at least "quetioning"!

Dee74

Hi afraziaaaa

I'm not in AA so I'll just stick to my experience

I don't know if you're an alcoholic but I know I am.

I used to drink all day everyday - I did that for 5 years but I was still able to control myself in some circumstances, sometimes...it was rare but you better believe I gave weight to those few occasions over the many many many times when I had no control at all....

The more time I spend here the more I see that there are many different types of drinkers.

Thats why I think it's often more useful to leave the definitions and analysis to one side and simply ask - is my drinking a problem, and if so, what am I going to do about it?

Welcome to SR
D

peaceful1

Hi....You seem to be very concerned about whether or not you are an "Alcoholic" as opposed to a "problem drinker". I try not to get too hung up on labels, as a matter of fact I don't like labels at all. Can you focus more on how you feel about the amount of alcohol that you drink? How is it affecting your life and the way you feel every day? The title is not what's truly important....it's the life. How's your life going?? Be honest with yourself when you answer that question and you will know what you need to do....

afraziaaaa

I have read the book and worked the 12 steps. It was never in my heart though, and I was reading some of the big book recently. I can relate, but I still have questions. Some things just don't make sense to me. Really, would a person even question if he or she were an alcoholic if he or she weren't? I think not....but still I am wrestling with myself.

Thank you for your response.

afraziaaaa

I really would like to drink less, so maybe I am not OK. I am not sure it is the drinking itself (or the amount) that bothers me though. What really bothers me are the potential consequences.

I function fairly well as a near daily drunk (thought not as well as I would if I were sober). I am not violent, I don't vomit stomach bile or dry heave, I pay my bills. I guess my life is going OK. Could it be better without alcohol? I think so. Maybe that is the connection I have failed to make so far?

I think the reason I have been hung up on the label is because I know that AA can be a solution, but I feel that in order to be there I have to be a REAL alcoholic. I guess that is what I struggle with. I want a solution other than alcohol, but maybe I am too hung up on my "qualifications" as an alcoholic.

afraziaaaa

Dee, thank you for response. "Is my drinking a problem, and if so, what am I going to do about it?" That really struck a chord with me.

I think I am really struggling with denial and delusion. I have always been a person who can convince others of many things, but one who can convince myself of almost anything. It is both an asset and a shortcoming I suppose.

I really struggle with seeing the reality and I find it hard to give weight to those glaring times where I know my drinking was a problem. The more I type and talk about it though, the clearer I am able to see. For example, the time I ended up in the hospital because I drank too much. Obviously that is a problem.

My mind tells me that I intended to drink as much as possible because I wanted to see how loaded I could get. I just over did it that one time and found out my limits. That didn't happen because I am an alcoholic, just because I didn't know my limit. Am I completely insane?

Is it possible that being an addict and an alcoholic are two separate issues and when a person has both sicknesses they are different from having just one? I just don't understand how I can so easily delude myself.

onlythetruth

Afraziaaa....

I don't know if this will be helpful to you, but I'd like to suggest that you take a look at this material from the SMART Recovery website:

SMART CBA Tutorial

What this is, is a description of a SMART Recovery tool called a Cost-Benefit Analysis. It's a fancy sounding name for a simple exercise where you put down the good and bad things about your behaviors so that you can view them more realistically. Many people find this a good way to step back from the confusion that tends to keep people stuck.

Keep in mind that even if you use a 12 step program you can still use the CBA or any of the other SMART Recovery tools.

CarolD

I notice how often you used the word "real" alcoholic...it's only used that way once or twice in our BB...

I've never worried about "real" because my drinking turned me into a
depressed woman I detested. That was my reality at the time I joined AA decades ago.

When I begin to share at meetings....Carol alcoholic...is how I introduce myself
and not once has anyone told me that I don't qualify...

As you probably know...NA has a broader base for dually addicted people. Both have the same goals.

AA is certainly not the only way to stop drinking...many of our SR members are winning over
alcohol useing a variety of methods.

Welcome to SR....

bellakeller

Either way, alcohol in your life sounds like a problem. Doesn't matter which one of you is in "control", if it's something you want to change, make some changes in your life before the alcohol does it for you. Because it will eventually. That's where it took me.

You can let go or get dragged.

Much love.

Eliasson

I was told that "normal" drinkers don't have to try to moderate or control their drinking. That for the most part, "normal" drinkers don't end up in the rooms of AA and don't question whether or not they are "real alcoholics". Also, I wouldn't get too hung up on the label you seem to be searching for. In AA, the "only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking". You don't have to be a "real" alcoholic. Do you have a desire to stop drinking? Hope this helps a little bit. I did a lot of the same questioning you are doing, it seems like most of us did at some point.

NYCDoglvr

When I realized that non-alcoholics don't even think about alcohol, they can take it or leave it, I "got it" that I'm an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics don't need to go to 12 Step programs to not drink, they don't post on forums like these. My brother is one of these lucky folks. When I got sober I told him I'd stopped drinking. He said, "oh, that's easy. I have one beer a week. A bottle of alcohol lasts me a year." Yea, I'm sure an alcoholic.

AA says "the only requirement for membership is a DESIRE to stop drinking". I couldn't stop on my own and the program saved my life.

afraziaaaa

I can't fathom not thinking about it. I think I do have a desire to stop drinking, but the more prevalent desire is the desire to control my drinking.

When I entered AA last time, I don't think I ever really wanted to fully quit for the right reasons (is there really a wrong reason to quit drinking? - lol), but eventually the desire to drink left me. Then my job relocated me from California to New York and gave me a different position. My program took a back seat to work. I was drunk again inside of 7 months and in retrospect, I am as bad or worse than I was before.

I get it though. If I could drink normally, then I wouldn't even be in this position. Just because I am capable of behaving like a normal drinker on occasion does not make me one. Those few times when I stop drinking after 2 drinks do not negate the countless times that I drink to blackout (which apparently doesn't happen to everyone, even if they drink a boat load?) When I am honest with myself, stopping after one, two, or three drinks leaves me feeling uncomfortable.

I guess my confusion also comes from my background with drugs. It was so easy for me to admit that I am an addict, because I COULD NOT stop on my own. I couldn't function within society either. I had to be institutionalized.

I think I know the answer, and that I am an alcoholic. I guess it just isn't as dramatic as I expected. I thought that being an alcoholic for me meant to drink the same way I used drugs.

omenapt

even when i relasped or tried to control drinking, i still referred to myself and saw myself as an alcoholic,just an active one! the label doesnt bother me at al..i just dont share it with everyone i know!

i have a fairly serious illness and i rarely think about it, but i think about my alcoholism alot!

NYCDoglvr

Regarding drugs ... alcohol was my drug of choice. Doctors and people in the recovery business call it addiction. It's the same disease that results in me obsessing about shopping, food and money. An alcoholic IS an addict. Lots of folks who consider themselves recovering addicts go to AA because many prefer the tones of the meetings to NA.

Alcohol is a slower progression than drugs but you wind up in the same terrible place: a destroyed life, friends & family who can no longer tolerate you, perhaps a DUI or an accident while drunk. The thing is, you don't have to go that low.

Miela

Welcome to SR Afrazaiaaaa,

You sound a lot like me when I started off. I first began questioning my relationship with alcohol when I was about 19. I reckoned I wasn't a real alcoholic, I just used it to deal with the (many) problems in my life, and once they were gone, I would stop. I didn't drink first thing in the morning and wasn't drinking wine from a paper bag in the park so therefore I wasn't a real alcoholic. I would often practice 'controlled drinking' to prove that I wasn't one (of course the fact I had to practice controlled drinking in the first place says it all really). I got to the stage in the last two years where I was drinking a bottle of wine, minimum, every night and had many nights out where I drank huge amounts and ended up, at best, embarrassing myself and, at worst, in very dangerous situations and am lucky I am not dead. I, too, held down a job with a huge amount of responsibilities and have missed only 1 day of work in those 2 years. People have even commented on how healthy I am (haha!!). This only reinforced the idea that I couldn't be an alcoholic. I still struggle with it (I'm only on Day 8, but have unsuccessfully tried to quit before). The pain in my liver and pancreas pushed me to make the decision to quit.

Something someone once asked me was, "in general, is alcohol adding to or taking away from your life?". If it's taking from your life instead of enhancing it, then it needs to be looked at.

M

freshstart57

Afraziaaaa, welcome to the team. This board is one of the things that has led me along my path to staying sober, and I'm dang happy about the whole situation.

Spend some time here at SR, and look around. If you go back in this forum, you will see a post, much like yours, come up at least twice a week. Sometimes the words are a little different, but the tune is always the same.

You are telling yourself you have a drinking problem but you are just not listening. Will you listen to others who tell you that you do have a problem?

The best possible outcome for you, Afraziaaaa, is that you will be able in a few short months, to write a post like this one for another new member at SR. Keep posting.

Dee74

I was willing to be anything but an addict and alcoholic.

the incontrovertible fact is tho - intending to drink as much as possible because you wanted to see how loaded you could get - and then ending up in hospital...and then drinking again...none of that is normal.

But once I would have read your post and nodded - I would have got it. I didn't have an alcohol problem, I had a discipline problem, or a too much free time problem, or in my more arrogant moments, I was a free spirit unbound by society's conventions...

What I really was was a guy who could not stop drinking - and whatever you call it, that's a problem that never gets better.

Aegian

The realization of this in my own life was trigger for me that I needed to quit. That is the difference between people like you and I and non-addicted social drinkers. They don't think about drinking or plan for it, they just do or don't and when they do drink, they don't have that nagging 'one more' craving.

Lots of folks here will be able to tell their stories of how they knew (or what made them finally accept). That one is mine. One drink always, without fail, makes me want a second and the second a third etc...

I finally quit after being hospitalized with pancreatic and liver pains where I thought those two organs were going to explode out of my chest and take who knows what else with them. I have never been in trouble with the law, have excellent credit, a great home and an awesome job - I was just one of those nightly drink-party-for-one people that was destroying my body from the inside out from the booze.

Tyl3r

Afraziaaaa -

I decided about a month ago to start dealing with my drinking (nearly 3 weeks without adrink) because I was concerned about the health effects. Like you, I can be high functioning. Not debilitated in the morning. No legal issues. No job or family trouble. Just a steady, daily drinking habit of a pint a day or more.

You will be hard pressed to find any scientific literature that says drinking at that level is sustainable. "Some" can drink heavily for 50 years, but for most of us between the liver, stomach, gall bladder, pancreas, kidneys, throat and heart, something will give out sooner rather than it should.

And it is not pleasant when they go.

I have the same reservations about AA. The published rules make it seem daunting. I don't know yet that I want to "quit" forever, but everyone I've talked to says that's no reason not to go.

I'm seeing a new doctor and a therapist, and I find the discussion helps. When you have someone calmly and objectively pointing out false rationalizations you probably already know you're making, it may help with the next time you tell yourself "I'm okay. I'm deciding to drink case tonite.

If you don't have the option of one-on-one help, it could be that AA can provide that even if you're not yet or ever able to admit that you're powerless over ethanol.