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Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Looks like you're seeing the reality of some things that you've been doing for a long time, and are slowly beginning to not rationalize what all of it means.
That's healthy.
It's pretty incredible how we can stay blind to something so constant over so many years. I don't know about you, but looking back it repulses me now how at the end I was only pretending to buy the lies I would tell myself.
'To thine own self be true.' To me that means I need to stop telling myself flimsy and transparent lies.
That's healthy.
It's pretty incredible how we can stay blind to something so constant over so many years. I don't know about you, but looking back it repulses me now how at the end I was only pretending to buy the lies I would tell myself.
'To thine own self be true.' To me that means I need to stop telling myself flimsy and transparent lies.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Thank you all for your posts. Knowing that I am not unique really helps to clear some of the fog. I do need to hear (from others like me) that I am an alcoholic. I'm not too concerned with the social stigma behind the word. Honestly, coming to the acknowledgement of my problem is somewhat of a relief. As I am sure many of you have, for a long time I have wondered "what is wrong with me?" I did not drink yesterday after I had my morning "taper off and go back to sleep" drinks. I will not drink today either, but now I need to figure out what to do about my problem.
I want to go back to AA, but if I am honest with myself I am really nervous about it. At the same time, I remember how happy I was in AA and how my quality of life greatly improved. It seems nonsensical not to do! I am not sure if I should see a doctor either? I am thinking about it, but fear again paralyzes me or causes me to rationalize and procrastinate.
What are your opinions on seeing a medical doctor? Is there anyone who has seen a doctor (meaning general practicioner, not psych related) regarding drinking/alcoholism?
I want to go back to AA, but if I am honest with myself I am really nervous about it. At the same time, I remember how happy I was in AA and how my quality of life greatly improved. It seems nonsensical not to do! I am not sure if I should see a doctor either? I am thinking about it, but fear again paralyzes me or causes me to rationalize and procrastinate.
What are your opinions on seeing a medical doctor? Is there anyone who has seen a doctor (meaning general practicioner, not psych related) regarding drinking/alcoholism?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
It's always best to get medical assistance when you are planning to de tox. It's risky to do it alone...especially if you are taking
any drugs....legal or illegal.....
There are too many variables to consider when you begin withdrawing...so
Yes...a GP would be able to help be both safe and sober...
Please do read this link...note that our experiences differed
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
any drugs....legal or illegal.....
There are too many variables to consider when you begin withdrawing...so
Yes...a GP would be able to help be both safe and sober...
Please do read this link...note that our experiences differed
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 174
Yep - saw my GP for a follow up after I got out of the hospital. Told me I was out of control and to knock it off. Heh.
I did a GP medically supervised detox (after 5 days in the hospital) and do NOT recommend going it alone as detoxing off alcohol can be horrifying. Honestly, I have been drinking heavily for over 20 years (a 5th a day for the last 10) and I had a cakewalk detox compared to some who drank less and in cases only for 4 or 5 years - so you just NEVER know how your body is going to react.
Please talk with your Doc. Much better safe than sorry. If s/he can do anything to alleviate pain and/or discomfort, that right there is worth the price of admission.
I did a GP medically supervised detox (after 5 days in the hospital) and do NOT recommend going it alone as detoxing off alcohol can be horrifying. Honestly, I have been drinking heavily for over 20 years (a 5th a day for the last 10) and I had a cakewalk detox compared to some who drank less and in cases only for 4 or 5 years - so you just NEVER know how your body is going to react.
Please talk with your Doc. Much better safe than sorry. If s/he can do anything to alleviate pain and/or discomfort, that right there is worth the price of admission.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Definitely check in with a Dr. If you have been drinking hard its always good to have some tests done & make sure everything is ok but please make sure you advise them of your addictive nature to drugs as well. No need to start getting involved in a new script addiction to overcome this challenge.
I got tired just reading your post about drinking & waking up & drinking again & worrying about how many you had here & then made it a few days there so its ok to have a few now but then had too many then etc. etc. etc. Its a great reminder as to where I was too, I appreciate the memory as it helps to make me stronger.
You know the AA statement, are you sick & tired of being sick & tired yet? I know I was & based on the things you are going through with drinking right now you must be exhausted my friend.
Take care & keep posting, we have all been in a very similar place & get it. You can do this if you really want to.
All of the best in your recovery
I got tired just reading your post about drinking & waking up & drinking again & worrying about how many you had here & then made it a few days there so its ok to have a few now but then had too many then etc. etc. etc. Its a great reminder as to where I was too, I appreciate the memory as it helps to make me stronger.
You know the AA statement, are you sick & tired of being sick & tired yet? I know I was & based on the things you are going through with drinking right now you must be exhausted my friend.
Take care & keep posting, we have all been in a very similar place & get it. You can do this if you really want to.
All of the best in your recovery
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 384
Afraziaaa , I saw and see my Doc regularly and she has seen my ups and downs.I am lucky I have a great GP. She is pretty up on alcoholism , its effects and outcomes.
We both know this is a life long thing ...alcoholism does not get better, only worse, but it can be stopped and my Doc is pretty much on side with what she can do from her position. We have worked together for years but her role is not my main mental health support , my recovery support , etc
I own my work in abstinence and recovery but she has been along side with medication as and when when needed , references to support , tests to assess things ( put my mind at ease dealing from the facts versus my own nonsense). She has also helped as needed with forms and the like.
I am way beyond hiding from my alcoholism with her and yes , tough to admit that to people like a doctor but they kind of know already if you see them enough.
You may find some help seeing a GP , I sure did.
We both know this is a life long thing ...alcoholism does not get better, only worse, but it can be stopped and my Doc is pretty much on side with what she can do from her position. We have worked together for years but her role is not my main mental health support , my recovery support , etc
I own my work in abstinence and recovery but she has been along side with medication as and when when needed , references to support , tests to assess things ( put my mind at ease dealing from the facts versus my own nonsense). She has also helped as needed with forms and the like.
I am way beyond hiding from my alcoholism with her and yes , tough to admit that to people like a doctor but they kind of know already if you see them enough.
You may find some help seeing a GP , I sure did.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Ok, I made an appointment. The first one I could get is for the 26th. My mind is telling me that I should drink because if I don't then I might feel better by the time I see the doctor. If I feel better, the doctor might not take me seriously, or I might be just "well" enough that I might not get the right diagnosis.
My something hurts (I think it is my liver, but it might be a kidney, or pancreas or both or all). It has been about 34 hours since I have had a drink. My mind tells me I should drink to feel better. I can't focus well right now. My hands are clammy, anxiety and heart is beating. I didn't realize I was this bad. Maybe I should wait to stop until I see the doctor.
My something hurts (I think it is my liver, but it might be a kidney, or pancreas or both or all). It has been about 34 hours since I have had a drink. My mind tells me I should drink to feel better. I can't focus well right now. My hands are clammy, anxiety and heart is beating. I didn't realize I was this bad. Maybe I should wait to stop until I see the doctor.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Whenever you stop, for your mind at that moment, it will be 'now'. In a way, whenever you quit, it will always be some now or other, so why not this now? Why not right now?
The sensations you are experiencing are typical (nothing special once again, sorry) for someone who has stopped drinking for a day or two. Please look at this SR thread that describes what many of us experienced shortly after we took our last drink.
It is always a good idea to consider seeing a Dr at a walk in clinic, or at a hospital's emergency center when undergoing an alcohol detox.
Stay hydrated, eat a little and frequently, and things will get better in a day or two. Hang in and keep posting here.
The sensations you are experiencing are typical (nothing special once again, sorry) for someone who has stopped drinking for a day or two. Please look at this SR thread that describes what many of us experienced shortly after we took our last drink.
It is always a good idea to consider seeing a Dr at a walk in clinic, or at a hospital's emergency center when undergoing an alcohol detox.
Stay hydrated, eat a little and frequently, and things will get better in a day or two. Hang in and keep posting here.
Last edited by freshstart57; 10-17-2011 at 04:37 PM. Reason: fixed something
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by afraziaaaa 
I get it though. If I could drink normally, then I wouldn't even be in this position. Just because I am capable of behaving like a normal drinker on occasion does not make me one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Ok, so here's an update. I took a drink (we all know that one turns into more). I was starting to get mild stomach cramps. I even tried to tell myself that I was just going to have two and stop, but I didn't really believe that. Even with the first swallow I felt relief. My brain wasn't even working properly (at least it didn't feel that way) before I took a drink.
I was really white-knucking it on the way home from work. I don't think I can stop on my own. I think I need medical help. Inside of a week I have gone from being OK with the way I live, to not wanting to live this way at all and realizing that I have a problem. I really had no idea that it was this serious.
I tell myself the reason I drank today was to ward off the symptoms of withdrawal, but there is probably more to it than that. Can anyone provide some insight as to their experience with the mental aspect of this addiction?
I was really white-knucking it on the way home from work. I don't think I can stop on my own. I think I need medical help. Inside of a week I have gone from being OK with the way I live, to not wanting to live this way at all and realizing that I have a problem. I really had no idea that it was this serious.
I tell myself the reason I drank today was to ward off the symptoms of withdrawal, but there is probably more to it than that. Can anyone provide some insight as to their experience with the mental aspect of this addiction?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Aftraziaaaa,
When I was in early sobriety I found a copy of a book called Under the Influence by Milam (I forget the first name). It really opened my eyes to what was going on physically in my drinking and the healing process after I quit. I highly recommend it.
As to the mental part of addiction, my experience is that the cornerstone of addiction is denial. If you can re-read your posts above with an open mind, you might see some of the statements you made as rationalizing how you drink, why you drink, and the extent to which you drink. For me the hardest and ultimately most rewarding part of sobriety and recovery has been the self-work I went through in AA and elsewhere. I have a better handle on what drives me, what is real vs. what is my perception of the world around me, and the extent to which fear and the avoidance of pain have shaped my actions and outcomes in my life.
But first you need to get sober. You should really consider doing so with medical help. It doesn't happen to everyone, but alocohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous.
Good luck.
When I was in early sobriety I found a copy of a book called Under the Influence by Milam (I forget the first name). It really opened my eyes to what was going on physically in my drinking and the healing process after I quit. I highly recommend it.
As to the mental part of addiction, my experience is that the cornerstone of addiction is denial. If you can re-read your posts above with an open mind, you might see some of the statements you made as rationalizing how you drink, why you drink, and the extent to which you drink. For me the hardest and ultimately most rewarding part of sobriety and recovery has been the self-work I went through in AA and elsewhere. I have a better handle on what drives me, what is real vs. what is my perception of the world around me, and the extent to which fear and the avoidance of pain have shaped my actions and outcomes in my life.
But first you need to get sober. You should really consider doing so with medical help. It doesn't happen to everyone, but alocohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous.
Good luck.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I know & understand that "Aaaahhhhhmmmmm" moment. Relief.
I went to meetings when that relief didn't come.
You'll be ok, no matter what you choose to do to stop the vicious cycle.
You can learn how to stay stopped, too.
Best wishes!
I went to meetings when that relief didn't come.
You'll be ok, no matter what you choose to do to stop the vicious cycle.
You can learn how to stay stopped, too.
Best wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
Aftraziaaaa,
When I was in early sobriety I found a copy of a book called Under the Influence by Milam (I forget the first name). It really opened my eyes to what was going on physically in my drinking and the healing process after I quit. I highly recommend it.
As to the mental part of addiction, my experience is that the cornerstone of addiction is denial. If you can re-read your posts above with an open mind, you might see some of the statements you made as rationalizing how you drink, why you drink, and the extent to which you drink. For me the hardest and ultimately most rewarding part of sobriety and recovery has been the self-work I went through in AA and elsewhere. I have a better handle on what drives me, what is real vs. what is my perception of the world around me, and the extent to which fear and the avoidance of pain have shaped my actions and outcomes in my life.
But first you need to get sober. You should really consider doing so with medical help. It doesn't happen to everyone, but alocohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous.
Good luck.
When I was in early sobriety I found a copy of a book called Under the Influence by Milam (I forget the first name). It really opened my eyes to what was going on physically in my drinking and the healing process after I quit. I highly recommend it.
As to the mental part of addiction, my experience is that the cornerstone of addiction is denial. If you can re-read your posts above with an open mind, you might see some of the statements you made as rationalizing how you drink, why you drink, and the extent to which you drink. For me the hardest and ultimately most rewarding part of sobriety and recovery has been the self-work I went through in AA and elsewhere. I have a better handle on what drives me, what is real vs. what is my perception of the world around me, and the extent to which fear and the avoidance of pain have shaped my actions and outcomes in my life.
But first you need to get sober. You should really consider doing so with medical help. It doesn't happen to everyone, but alocohol withdrawal can be extremely dangerous.
Good luck.
Then again, maybe it is more dangerous than I think. I will still post here through the process. Even if I continue to drink over the next few days (until my appointment) I feel that this is the beginning of the end of my drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 450
Originally Posted by afraziaaaa
What are your opinions on seeing a medical doctor? Is there anyone who has seen a doctor (meaning general practicioner, not psych related) regarding drinking/alcoholism?
I'm on day 7 today after going for the past few years without more than 10 sober days total. I chose to stop this time because I went to see a doctor a couple weeks ago and get a blood test "just because" and I made zero mention of my drinking habits. When the blood test results came back last week, my doc immediately asked if I abuse alcohol. It was that obvious.
Don't take this the wrong way, but in your original post, a lot of the things you describe yourself doing are the exact signs of my own habits that screamed "wow, I'm a friggin' alkie". The 1-2 drinks to get to 'normal' or to keep the shakes away, drinking in the morning that turns into a full day of drinking, etc.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I know & understand that "Aaaahhhhhmmmmm" moment. Relief.
I went to meetings when that relief didn't come.
You'll be ok, no matter what you choose to do to stop the vicious cycle.
You can learn how to stay stopped, too.
Best wishes!
I went to meetings when that relief didn't come.
You'll be ok, no matter what you choose to do to stop the vicious cycle.
You can learn how to stay stopped, too.
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 5
first step to recovery and moving forward is accepting that you yourself is an addict and alcoholic. you may not have started as an alcoholic but over time became one.. often times you'll have a dual addiction..drugs and alcohol/ alcohol and sex.. list goes on.. if u feel the need that you have to have a drink to go on during the day or before a function...or are drinking by yourself, its prob safe to say that alcoholism has taken over. I remember years ago i would only drink on occasion with friends. then as time went by my social drinking became a need everyday and it took me a long time to accept that i was an alcoholic, years of denial kept me from takeing a path to recovery. years later i see it now clearly.... i know this prob doesnt answer your questions but hope in some way it might help. feel free to chat if yould like to talk about it more . take care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CTO-AP-IND
Posts: 4
Hi afraziaaaa,
I am an alky. That is my experience.
My experience never qualified me to judge you or anybody an alcoholic.
When I got the message I was 27- when I sobered up I was 32- I experimented for five years sincerely “to prove that I am not an alcoholic”. I failed. No regrets.
When the world around me called me an alcoholic i never believed, and today
i call my self an alcoholic the world (not AA members) is not believing me.
I answered the questionnaire (earlier 20 questions of John Hopkins University- and presently 12 questions of AA ) and Chapter-3 in the BigBook. I suggest you to go through and decide for yourself.
I thank god today, that I am alive –sober – and a member of AA
You are/were an alcoholic if you say so.
I am an alky. That is my experience.
My experience never qualified me to judge you or anybody an alcoholic.
When I got the message I was 27- when I sobered up I was 32- I experimented for five years sincerely “to prove that I am not an alcoholic”. I failed. No regrets.
When the world around me called me an alcoholic i never believed, and today
i call my self an alcoholic the world (not AA members) is not believing me.
I answered the questionnaire (earlier 20 questions of John Hopkins University- and presently 12 questions of AA ) and Chapter-3 in the BigBook. I suggest you to go through and decide for yourself.
I thank god today, that I am alive –sober – and a member of AA
You are/were an alcoholic if you say so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 20
I have answered the 20 and the 12, gone through chapter 3 numerous times. None of that really cut through my denial. I think mostly because I have such a hard time being honest that I really couldn't believe that I was being honest with myself. Denial is thick.
I took the test on the NIAAA website and answered as honest as I could. 13 yes, 7 no. It placed me in the top 9% of drinkers, 50% of which are alcoholic. This was this past monday after I had my small moment of clarity. Since then I have tried controlled drinking 4 times and gotten loaded each time.
I have my answer. I am an alcoholic. Posting here has really helped me get out of my head and see the insanity. I don't think I could have done it in person. I really struggle with honesty (especially with myself). But, typing and posting my true thoughts and feelings has been easier because I do not know any of you and it is likely that we will never meet which takes the pressure of needing to impress you off, lol.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been praying for god to help me for a few months now. I feel differently as of last monday. This morning I prayed for god's help in not taking a drink today. I feel as if I won't make it unless I get to a meeting.
I took the test on the NIAAA website and answered as honest as I could. 13 yes, 7 no. It placed me in the top 9% of drinkers, 50% of which are alcoholic. This was this past monday after I had my small moment of clarity. Since then I have tried controlled drinking 4 times and gotten loaded each time.
I have my answer. I am an alcoholic. Posting here has really helped me get out of my head and see the insanity. I don't think I could have done it in person. I really struggle with honesty (especially with myself). But, typing and posting my true thoughts and feelings has been easier because I do not know any of you and it is likely that we will never meet which takes the pressure of needing to impress you off, lol.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been praying for god to help me for a few months now. I feel differently as of last monday. This morning I prayed for god's help in not taking a drink today. I feel as if I won't make it unless I get to a meeting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Armpit, USA
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Aegian
did a GP medically supervised detox (after 5 days in the hospital) and do NOT recommend going it alone as detoxing off alcohol can be horrifying.
Most folks who take a drink to 'stop the shakes', have no clue what starts to happen -after- the shakes start.
I am not a huge wikipedia fan, however thier page on detox is pretty good. ..and it has links to the terms so you can find out what they mean. My first day of detox, I had almost everything on the list..
I'd post the link, but I aint got enough posts yet
Just search for "Alcohol withdrawal syndrome" on wikipedia
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by afraziaaaa
I have answered the 20 and the 12, gone through chapter 3 numerous times. None of that really cut through my denial. I think mostly because I have such a hard time being honest that I really couldn't believe that I was being honest with myself. Denial is thick.
I took the test on the NIAAA website and answered as honest as I could. 13 yes, 7 no. It placed me in the top 9% of drinkers, 50% of which are alcoholic. This was this past monday after I had my small moment of clarity. Since then I have tried controlled drinking 4 times and gotten loaded each time.
I have my answer. I am an alcoholic. Posting here has really helped me get out of my head and see the insanity. I don't think I could have done it in person. I really struggle with honesty (especially with myself). But, typing and posting my true thoughts and feelings has been easier because I do not know any of you and it is likely that we will never meet which takes the pressure of needing to impress you off, lol.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been praying for god to help me for a few months now. I feel differently as of last monday. This morning I prayed for god's help in not taking a drink today. I feel as if I won't make it unless I get to a meeting.
I took the test on the NIAAA website and answered as honest as I could. 13 yes, 7 no. It placed me in the top 9% of drinkers, 50% of which are alcoholic. This was this past monday after I had my small moment of clarity. Since then I have tried controlled drinking 4 times and gotten loaded each time.
I have my answer. I am an alcoholic. Posting here has really helped me get out of my head and see the insanity. I don't think I could have done it in person. I really struggle with honesty (especially with myself). But, typing and posting my true thoughts and feelings has been easier because I do not know any of you and it is likely that we will never meet which takes the pressure of needing to impress you off, lol.
I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I have been praying for god to help me for a few months now. I feel differently as of last monday. This morning I prayed for god's help in not taking a drink today. I feel as if I won't make it unless I get to a meeting.
All of the best on your path to recovery ~ NB
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