defyinggravity

I kinda know how you feel - and part of the way my addictions manifested was through my desire to get people to hear me. This sounds kind of lame, and I don't know if anyone else has felt this way - I've really only talked to my therapist about this - but part of what I wanted was for someone to finally see how badly I was hurting, how sick I was. And it seemed like no one cared - no one paid any attention to what I was doing to myself and I thought just like you - if they don't give a damn, why should I?! And when no one paid any attention, I kept upping the ante. Of course, that's only one small part of why I used. The truth is, I was very good at keeping my drinking/drug use clandestine and very few people knew what was really happening so it was kind of hard for people to care.

I finally realized that *I* should care because I was killing myself and no one else was going to die for me so why WOULD they care (of course we all want people who care about our well-being and are unwilling to love us to death and will not support our addictive behaviors - but they aren't always there when you want them to be).

Good luck - keep posting!

choublak

Why do you suppose they do that?

MarkNS

Thanks all.

I guess it's a bit of an internal struggle right now. I'll get through this and I appreciate ALL of your feedback.

MarkNS

Well, it's obvious that my alcohl intake is at a MUCH higher level than a 'normal person.' To be honest, I always just figure that it'll eventually decrease; I'll get bored of it. Obviously, I could end up being wrong though.

Boleo

Sounds like a game where the score is alcoholism 1, MarkNS 0

defyinggravity

I actually did eventually get "bored" with drinking...so I moved on to harder drugs with a better high. And even after that, I still couldn't stop drinking for a LONG time. That's when I realized I was really an addict - I was drinking and using drugs long past when it stopped being fun. I was doing it even though I didn't want to...I couldn't stop.

You're right, it could just decrease one day when you're tired of it...but my guess is that it will not. My guess is that it will progress (as alcoholism/addiction is a progressive condition).

I hope you figure out how to help yourself in the best way possible for YOU and I hope you figure it out soon. I hear life can actually be fun. And do you really want to just "function"? Life wasn't very fun for me when I was just functioning. Yes, I was getting through work and school. Not getting into any serious trouble (by serious I mean legal or academic - no DUIs, I didn't fail). But I wasn't LIVING. I wasn't experiencing my life because I was flat out wasted ALL the time. If I wasn't drinking, I was eagerly anticipating when I could drink. That's no way to live.

choublak

I think the people who take the time to point out your high level of alcohol intake and talk to you about it are doing so because they really do care. What do you think?

lilotto

You no what Mark your right if you don't give a **** about your life I sure the hell don't. But know this if because of your drinking, thinking and actions of I don't give a **** what others think. If you happen to be one of those drunks that gets in accident with one of my loved ones. Hell has no fury as a fathers or grandfathers fury.

Don't get it wrong I to suffer from the disease of alcoholism and my actions when drunk are nothing short of disgusting and like you I thought if no one else cared why should I. Now that is nothing more than sick thinking. Good luck with your denial.

Hobochk

Being honest here (this is an honest program, right?)

I feel the same way. No one gives a F. I mean yeah, the people in meetings and people on SR love to hear a success story, but those close to me really haven't said much. Maybe they don't believe I'll stay on the wagon. I know, we're not supposed to do this for anyone but ourselves. But it would be nice to have some positive feedback. ok, selfish rant over.

MarkNS

Yes, I think you're right. I appreciate that.

MarkNS

Good points. Alcohol certainly is an obsession of mine and that probably means that I'm missing out on a lot ...

Dee74

In my experience not many people understand alcoholism - even the drinkers I used to hang with. I never got much in the way of kudos apart from this website

Looking back now though - I wondered why that mattered? Why did I need others approval so much back then?

Why wasn't the fact that this was a positive healthy lifestyle change for me enough motivation?

I think addiction changes us in lots of subtle ways - eating at our self esteem and self confidence, making us doubt, and fear...

I don't miss living like that.

D

choublak

That's not selfish, I find it rather eye-opening...

Kellye C

I know you are not the OP and I don't want to hi-jack his post but I did want to address this. I wonder, are you still early on in sobriety? What has been your history with the people you are referring to who are close to you but aren't saying much right now? Could it be that rather than them not giving an "F" that actually they really do but don't trust what they hear anymore due to past history? Maybe they are holding their breath, waiting and watching, to see if this time is for real. If you are like me, then you've made the promises before only to break them repeatedly and continue drinking.

I first heard a saying in A.A. that we are judged by our actions and not our intentions. In this instance, actions TRULY speak louder than words as you start to string more and more sober time together one day at a time. Eventually our loved ones start to see the change in us and actually believe that this time is different. Then you may find you have your own personal cheering section. That is how it worked for this alcoholic.

No matter what though, do this for you.

Hugs,
Kellye

susanlauren

I do not expect kudos for doing what I should have been doing all along. I want praise for not drinking myself to what will eventually be my demise? I shouldn't be doing that in the first place. Normal people don't drink alcoholically and do not expect kudos for not drinking. Susan

susanlauren

MarkNS,
There are two ways to learn: one way is through the experience of others and the other way is through your own experience. The folks here have spoken the truth to you from having walked the path of worsening alcoholism. You have a choice: believe us and take action to stop drinking or don't believe us and continue drinking. Most of us weren't "that bad" when we first started drinking. Most of us had homes, jobs, family, health, etc. in the beginning. Most of us were high functioning, at least initially. None of that lasts for an alcoholic who continues to drink. How bad does it have to get for you before you stop drinking? And when it gets that bad, will you be able to stop?
Susan

Terminally Unique

Susanlauren makes a very good point. You can either learn from your own mistakes at great expense, or from the mistakes of others, at far less expense. Unfortunately, I chose the latter option myself. I know that I can't really convince you, but don't do what I did.

ChaoticSunshine

Functioning or non functioning, an alcoholic is an alcoholic - which means that a beverage is controlling your life. I guess functional means that your drink of choice is controlling you and making good decisions. But eventually, your drink of choice will start to make bad decisions, and since you've handed yourself over, you're helpless.

Life will be better for you when YOU make the decisions.

michaeldenial

I didn't do it for them, so it didn't really matter whether they cared or not. The fact that they did care was a bonus.

TigerLili

No one knew I had a drinking problem because I hid it, so no one cared whether I drank or not. Sobriety is for me, not for other people.

Chances are that your drinking will get progressively worse and start to affect others, who will then care about you getting sober. Do you need to wait until then?