JIreland

Hello...

I have been on here before but things are at breaking point.

I want to stop..but just don't feel like I can.

Im only 24...I got a blood test done for a lot of things from the doctor because Im sick daily.
It came back very bad..My liver results are TEN times the highest rate they should be and he is sending me to the hospital within the next few weeks for a scan.

He showed me the results from the hospital on his screen...its bad.

I want to stop..but its just so difficult...I know Im only 24, but I started drinking when I was around 16, I was drinking vodka then but just every now and again..now Im drinking 3-6 litres of strong cider a day. I know.

I stopped totally for around 3-4 months totally because I started training in the fire service - Before that I didn't drink much - But then I broke my jaw, went through 4 operations and then it went downhill.

I don't know what I can expect from posting here really but hoping to get some help.

I was put on anti-depressants after my jaw was broke but they were really bad..The doc changed me to a lot of things up to Effexor (Venlafaxine) - I stopped taking it because of bad mood swings and taking alcohol to sleep and feel "normal" - If I dont drink...I just feel really bad.

It looks like the cure for me feeling normal is going to be the end of me.
The doc said the results were the worst he seen.
It's ruining my life.

I'm not going to go to AA...it isnt something I would ever do. I keep everything to myself.

I dont know what Im expecting here really...just hopefully some help

bigguyslimm

I'm also 24. I'm now 1 month sober, and starting to feel better. When it comes to your liver, it's one of the only things in the body that can heal itself over time. Try not to feel shy and to your self. Talking to others helps a lot. The 1st day sober was my hardest. Having to tell myself NO. Best of luck to you. I know how hard it is. Things can only get better when you quit.

JIreland

I feel like I am even making excuses for myself to drink, "its the weekend", "I have to meet someone important for business and have to be on the best of form" etc. etc.

I was just reading a message I posted in 2008 here about trying to quit...At that time I was drinking 2 bottles of Vodka (And not really being effected) along with taking drugs...

I stopped taking vodka because I felt that was really bad myself and have just been taking cider..but I'm still taking 7.5% and either 3 or 6 litres a day.

I wake up and just think...Do I have any cider left from last night...

I dont know what to do
I should have told my doctor how much Im drinking..but I just felt so bad and said I drink a few nights a week. I dont like to talk to anyone about it...

Nirvana1

So your basically saying you know you need to quit, but don't want to quit or get any help?

Fine, don't go to AA right away. No one is going to force you to do anything. I, like many others, was very self-centered and very egotistical. I didn't "need" AA either. I kept everything to myself.

I also kept drinking 5 years after I knew I needed to quit. Wrecked a lot of relationships and blew out a career. Was it all because of drinking? I don't know. I haven't wrecked a marriage or lost my home due to drinking. But guess what? I've never been even able to get that far in life because of my choices.

I'm 28 and have 7 months sober this time. I did the first 3 months on my own, but believe me I was ready to give up after 2 months. My own thinking couldn't fathom staying sober, because I had lost the will to do anything but just not drink.

I was fortunate enough for a younger lady to break her anonymity and let me know how AA really is. That it is for a lot of successful people. That it is not just a room full of homeless and the skid row. That it is a fellowship and program to get better and make healthy lifestyle choices.

It still took me another month of SR research before I went into my first meeting with 93 days dry. Dry is not sober but just abstaining. I'm still working on the dry part all the time, because I've not finished the steps and still find myself being selfish.

Getting sober and staying has been the hardest thing I've ever done. If you truly have the liver problems you suggest, you may only have 2 options, life or a drinking death. Sadly the "easy" option is to keep drinking. I wish you the best and hope something jumps out at you at grabs you so that you understand you NEED support. Now is the time to think hard between what you NEED and what your alcoholic mind WANTS. It is a very big difference, and the choices you make are now life and death.

JIreland

I don't understand the difference?

And I know how bad things are. I want to stop. REALLY. And everyone just says...then stop. its simple.

I did it before, it was far from simple. I live with my girlfriend..she knows I drink, but not that I have such a problem.
I would like to stop somewhere/time on my own but she is always here and going cold turkey is just 100% obvious from my past attempts when I lived on my own.

LexieCat

OK, so AA is "something you wouldn't do." What about dying? That's acceptable, but AA isn't?

AA isn't the ONLY way to get sober and stay that way, but it has been known to work when all else fails. I don't see that you have a lot to lose at this point. If you really WANT to quit drinking, if you WANT to live, then you will surely do whatever it takes, even if it isn't how YOU would solve the problem. Doesn't sound like what you've tried so far has worked for you too well.

lushly

[QUOTE=. When it comes to your liver, it's one of the only things in the body that can heal itself over time. QUOTE]

I am sorry, but this statement is simply not true. I wish it were. However you can help in the deterioration, by stopping your consumtion of alcohol. It can be done. You are young and worth the effort to recover. In my active alcoholism I isolated and was against AA. I now have 75 days sober and would not have that without support. An alcohol counselor might be a help.
I am a Big Book thumper now but there is many ways to get sober. Face to face accountability is essential. Please know that you can recover with time and faith (())s Lushly

suki44883

My thoughts: If you would rather die than go to AA, I'm not sure how much help we can be, or anyone can be, in that case. You have evidence staring you in the face that if you don't quit drinking, you are going to die. If it were me, I'd do whatever was necessary to not die.

Nirvana1

It is definitely not easy to stop. Don't listen to anyone who says its easy. They don't have a problem drinking so it doesn't make sense to them.

Being "dry" is not drinking but holding onto your old habits, thoughts, and reasoning. You need to learn the tools to not only stay sober, but be happy being sober as well. That's the hard part.

I'm on AIM under "cardxfactor" if you need to chat.

Lionne

Hi JIreland,
Even if Lexicats answer might sound a bit harsh to you, I tend to agree that support in real life is very important, be it from AA or other recovery groups. What can you lose by trying it? The way you tried to get sober didn't work and you are running out of time and life. I think at this point your medical problems need also to be taken care of and you probably can't take care of that alone. Please don't try to get sober cold turkey on your own, because it's dangerous. I think a medical detox would be necessary. You could talk to your doctor about your wish to quit drinking and if he could help you if you haven't talked to him already.(-What do you have to lose, as he knows anyways?)

NYCDoglvr

I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous. I couldn't have gotten sober without the help and guidance of AA members. Some people can do it alone, but I couldn't.

TheEnd

I'm not saying you should go to AA, but that attitude you have right now will keep you drinking. When you are ready to get sober, you have to be willing to do anything to make that happen. If these tests aren't enough to make you desperate for sobriety, I don't know what will.

Terminally Unique

I imagine he knows you are lying about your drinking, since he has seen your liver tests, but tell your doctor how much you are really drinking. He/She can give you something so that you don't have to suffer most of the physical withdrawal symptoms while you detox.

After that, take a look at all the recovery "programs," with the exception of any that suggest controlled drinking. Try them all, if you have to, and tell your girlfriend about the liver tests. From what you said, this isn't a joke anymore.

Soberpotamus

If you're at a breaking point... you've done the right thing by coming here and asking for some sort of help. You do not have to go to AA... or anywhere else you don't want to go. You're an adult. And apparently a very sick one at the moment So sorry you've gotten bad liver test results back... Feeling "normal" to you may not really mean anything... why? Because you've been heavily drinking since a really young age. You don't know what normal feels like, probably. I can barely remember myself.... I drank heavily from around the age of 19-20. It may be difficult for you to stop... and it may not be as difficult as you think. Everyone's different... going to an online meeting might help you at first, if you'd rather not go to a face-to-face. Read anything you can get your hands on... to educate yourself about alcohol addiction, and how it's affecting your body right now. Please don't give up... give yourself a chance to feel "normal". You are SO YOUNG!!

Tippingpoint

What SoberJennie said!

FT

Hi JIreland:

Those few sentences in the middle of your post are the most telling.

Look, everyone here wants to grab you by the shoulders and shake you -- then hug you real hard -- then shake you again!

You will have no life to ruin if you continue to drink.

You say you "want" to quit, but that is not quite true. What you want is to feel "normal" without having to drink alcohol -- "the cure for me feeling normal is going to be the end of me".

Dude, you need a medical detox if you have liver enzymes that high. Doctors who are trained in addiction are usually taught that whatever the patient tells them they are drinking or taking -- double or triple that amount and you might get in the ballpark of what they are really doing. Believe me, this guy is not there to be your confidante but your medical care provider. You've got to let him help you.

The first part is to get yourself physically safe. Detox now before you kill the rest of your liver cells and need a transplant. People wait YEARS to get a liver transplant, and many die waiting. It isn't a good option.

During and after detox, you need to fix your head. You no longer know what "normal" even is, and maybe you never have known if you have been drinking alcohol before you even reached adulthood. Hell, most guys are not really "growed up" until 30. (sorry, guys)

How to fix your head? That's the hard part. Get some counseling. Some people do benefit greatly from antidepressants, some don't. But you can't know until after at least a month on them.

Get back in school and occupy your brain. Get into something you like, and try to make money doing it, at least enough to support yourself.

There are lots of programs out there to help guys like you.

But first things first. Get your body detoxed, dude, before it is too late. Accept the fact that you aren't going to feel "normal" until you find out what that is. And don't try to do this alone.

FT

susanlauren

If I were 24 years old and perhaps dying from liver failure, I would do anything to recover. And I would be as honest as Abraham Lincoln with my doctor about my drinking. Susan

CarolD

Please take the time to look at these...

‪Rain In My Heart (1 of 10)‬‏ - YouTube

I've been around people dying from organ failure due to their drinking.
It's certainly an ugly painful way to die and so un-necessary.

Since I quit...I've lost 36 former friends and acquaintances due to alcohol related causes.
Please don't sit around and become a dead drinker.

As others have mentioned...due to your illness...please ask your doctor about how best to de tox safely. He/she already knows
that your drinking has caused this situation.

Prayers for clarity coming your way...

Here is your first post..I've not changed my mind ..but I sure hope you will

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ant-do-aa.html

Schwaber77

Your story sounds alot like mine in many ways.

I have some good friends who talked me into going to a local detox-rehab clinic at Alinna Health. It, I think was the best thing anyone has done for me, it was the best decision I think I've made.

After recovering from my binge the night before, within an hour, I knew I was in a good place. Of course the staff did their job and were very conisiderate but the really surprising thing was how the patients, for the most part, were so welcoming and nice and it was obvious that they knew as I did that we were there for the same reason, maybe different drugs of choice, but the same thing-sobriety. I signed the contract which meant I was locked up at the facility for 4 days but after spending 2 days locked up in jail the previous days, this was awesome. And locked up here did not mean locked up in a single room, you were free to roam but had to remain at the facility during that time. There were of course rules and schedules but pretty relaxed environment.

I thought the same way about AA, I wasn't comfortable with people, didn't think it was for me, I've always been a socially anxiety ridden person so sitting in front of a dozen people talking about our personal problems seemed to me that it was just something that wouldn't work for me.

Well, after spendnig the 4 days at the clinic experiencing different situations, alot of them similar to AA scenarios, I came to realize, this isn't so bad. I am surrounded by people that are going through the same things that I am and it was like the switch was flipped, I shared feelings that I never really shared with anyone let alone people I just met a few hours ago. I heard some crazy stories, told my story, got great support, and met some friends, yes people that I could honestly call friends even just after knowing them for 4 days and still in contact with after being discharged.

Now, since then, I've attended a couple of meetings and plan on going to more for sure, probably a few per week and I lo. The point about the clinic, it kind of forced me to open up my eyes and mind about group support as well as making sure I detoxed safely, not that I think I needed it (physical detox) considering I had only drank a few times over the past month but it was a good to have the support and the experience as a whole.

I guess my point is that I wouldn't write off AA or any other support groups. I know it's not for everyone but you don't know until you try. Shop around, go to a few different groups/squads and see where you feel most comfortable at and stick with it for a bit. You know, my very first meeting I went to, I was 1/2 hour late and when I walked in, it was like nothing, they welcomed me in with no attitude which I thought might get since I disrupted their meeting. It was pretty obvious to me that I was walking into a room of some good people.

The detox thing might be something worth checking out as well. They are there to make sure your detox as comfortable as possible using the right combination of medications. What I thought was the part that made it the most tolerable was the fact that we got nicotine gum and patches. Boy, there probably would have been some cranky ars people in there without that, me for sure because I am a pretty heavy smoker.

Big thing is, is to keep your mind open and keep your head up my friend. You are 24 years old, you sound like you are wise and mature for your age. You've made a big step, you've recogized the problem, now it needs to be addressed. With work and dedication, you will beat this. I was questioning it not long ago but with the things that have been happening lately, my outlook has more positive everyday.

onlythetruth

Clearly, if you want to live, you're going to have to quit drinking. It is really pretty simple. If you want to live, you need to stop killing yourself.

And don't bull**** yourself by saying that you can't quit drinking because you don't want to go to AA. You don't have to go to AA in order to quit drinking. Many of us here, who were once just as bad as you, didn't ever use AA, or tried it and didn't like it. That's ok. What isn't ok is the attitude of "I don't like AA, so that's it, I'm going to have to keep right on drinking." Nonsense.

Just do something else. Go to a non-12 step based rehab. They're hard to find, but they exist. Or look into the SMART Recovery program, or Rational Recovery. Or the Sinclair Method. "Willing to go to any lengths" doesn't mean you have to go to the same recovery group the next guy is. It means you need to make a commitment to do what works FOR YOU to save your own life.

OTT