mercurial me

I'd prefer to post positive & uplifting stuff on here than starting a thread like this. It's so inspiring to read the threads and posts from the people here who are having success and I sure appreciate reading them.

I've really been struggling with my alcoholism lately. Needing to drink a six pack of beer just to feel normal and regain some sort of self confidence (I know that alcohol-fuel self confidence is a lie). My liver is constantly sore and horribly swollen. I saw my doc x2 weeks ago and he never even bothered with another round of bloodwork or threatened me with another liver biopsy this time. He just reminded me of my next appointment with my psychologist and told me to just "hang in there." He told me I could drop by the office if I decided to detox and he'd get me some librium.


I'm caught up in a vicious cycle where being an alcoholic has become my identity. I know how much I need to pump me up and how much I need to settle me down before bed. I'd definitely could use the support system of AA but I don't trust other people. It's not God or a higher power I don't believe in, it's other people in general in this life I have little faith in.

I'm one of these high-functioning alcoholics that relies on work & having a routine. My alcoholism causes me to totally over compensate as I feel guilty about being alcoholic. I hosted a bbq for all of the staff from my job at my house yesterday which cost me over $400. I'm almost trying to show the people at work who know I've got a problem that at least I have a good heart.

I write this thread for other people to read to deter others from falling into this awful pit I'm drowning in. I also write it to document my late-stage alcoholism. I pray every day that I won't die of liver failure or another natural consequence of my alcoholism. I also am beginning to think dying of alcoholism is my destiny. Not reaching out for sympathy especially when I'm not helping out my own cause.

Wish I had better news to share and more positive news. Thanks to my friends here who have kept in touch via pm's. Hope everyone else had a sober weekend. xx....mm

laurie6781

Thank you for being honest and sharing the quandary you are in. I do understand. I hate to use a cliche of the day, but I have 'been there, done that' until I could not any more.

I hated people, not just didn't trust them. But once I hit my end and literally died, I came to realize that I really hated myself. I also found that those folks in those first AA meetings I went to DID UNDERSTAND. They had been where I was. Trust, that took time. But I went. I listened. I looked for the similarities, I heard the similarities, and I kept going.

There was this Red Haired Lady that shared at several of the meetings I kept going to, and when she shared, she was telling a good part of my story. She was BLUNT, MATTER OF FACT, and 'called a spade a spade.' She also would pizz me off with some of what she said, but I was drawn to her. I finally got the 'courage' or was it 'desperation'?, to ask her to be my sponsor. She said yes.

I didn't know it, but my life was about to start to change dramatically. I slowly learned to 'trust' her and her hubby (who was also sober many years and was a very BLUNT person). When Bev couldn't 'handle' me, she would turn me over to Hugh.

It was a very LONG relationship ....................... Hugh passed when I was 11 years sober and Bev passed when I was 19 years sober, and then I used a dear friend who had been Bev's sponsor.

It was in AA, with the folks of AA, that I SLOWLY learned to TRUST again.

I have read your posts and your troubles with trying to get a handle on this 'disease', 'affliction', or whatever you want to call it.

How about just going to some 'different' AA meetings, and sitting and just LISTENING to see if you can identify with any of it. Look at the folks there, I mean really look. See that when they smile the smile goes all the way to their eyes. Hear, when they laugh or cry that iit is coming from their very sole. No 'put ons. Just pure emotion, good or bad.

Maybe, just maybe by attending some of those meetings, you will be able to go to your Dr and say you are ready to detox.

All of the above is J M H O based on my own personal experience.

Good thoughts and prayers heading North to you.

Love and hugs,

least

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ck-bottom.html


I hope you can stop drinking for good. We all know where you'll end up if you don't stop.

TheEnd

I do believe your thread is helping other people, but I do not think alcoholism is your destiny. More like fate, and you have bought into the idea that you can't do it, you can't beat this horrible disease. Don't surrender to the disease, surrender to the solution.

You don't think AA is for you, you don't trust other people. Fine, AA is not the only way, but you need to find your way, whatever that may be and start doing something to change this situation that you are living in. There are people who are recovering from alcoholism everyday, who have been where you are now, but they had to do something to get their recovery.

Nobody is going to come through on a white horse and save you from this misery. People might point you in the right direction, but after awhile people tend to get tired of helping those who refuse to be helped. This appears to be what your Dr. is doing. I hope that you find the strength to do something, before it is really too late.

I'm pulling for you bro, you can make it, but you have to believe.

LayLadyLay

"I love mankind...It's people I can't stand!!" -Linus Van Pelt

Maybe you have been unlucky in the past, but I truly believe that kind, generous people really exist; they can be found at AA or at group therapy or at a coffee shop or at a yoga studio...who knows? There are people who will try their best to help you in the only way they can...that is, to lend an ear and commiserate based on their past personal experiences.

It's what you've done by posting now and in the past; it's what we all try to do by responding. However when you're really struggling perhaps some face-to-face contact with a sympathetic person also in recovery might add another layer of listening/sharing---> healing!

Good luck to you!!

CarolD

MM....
sorry to know you continue to drink. Prayers for clairty coming your way.

SSIL75

It pains me that you continue to drink I was actually going to PM you yesterday to see how you're doing but didn't want to be accused of harassment

Sigh.

So you think alcoholism has become part of your identity. hmm. How long have you been drinking again? I know we're about the same age.

You know I was thinking earlier about how how sobriety for me has been largely about learning to enjoy peace. I never had peace before. Grew up in a quiet, anxious, depressing house where I longed for excitement and LIFE. Then chased that all the way to America... partied like a rock star in my 20's and still craved that edge even when I settled down on paper.

So anyway though, getting (staying) sober has been about getting a thrill from peaceful things and thus, a change in my identity.

Maybe consider who you want to be? Don't start telling yourself it's your destiny to drink yourself to death. That's just another excuse to drink.

Please get some help.

Dee74

I used to think being an alcoholic was part of my identity too - not only was it my 'medicine' that I needed to regulate my emotions and ease my pain, mental and physical every day, but I also had romantic ideals of being the alcoholic musician/poet, the soul too sensitive to live in the world of today.

Utter nonsense.

There is a life beyond active addiction merc - it's scary as hell to make the leap, but I've saved my life and found happiness doing it.

Best decision of my life.

I hope you give it a shot before it's too late.

D

Opivotal

MM don't let alcohol define who you are in life. It's taken so much from you already. You are so much better than this. Tomorrow is a new day and you can grab hold with all your might or give up. I sure pray you GRAB HOLD.

:ghug3

Best Wishes To You!

Wolfy87

I completely agree with what Dee said. There is a life beyond alcoholism and I can say that being sober has cost me loss money and has made me realize that I can enjoy life without alcohol.

What helped me was that I realized how important other people are to me. I was so concerned with how I felt that when I felt bad I would just drink the pain away without any concern for anyone but myself. I would make the excuse that I want to drink to be social but really it was to make me feel numb. I didn't want to feel emotions.

I love my girlfriend, my parents, and my friends. How can I be there for them when I'm drunk? What if I get an emergency call when I'm out drinking? They need me. I love the people in my life. They make my life magical and are there for me. I need to return the favor and be there for them.

susanlauren

Do you want to live or do you want to die? It sounds as if you are running out of the luxury of saying what type of help or support is acceptable to you. You are drowning. Now is not the time to refuse the life preserver because you don't like the person who threw it to you. Susan

ImReadyToQuit

Man.. If I can do it.. I KNOW you can! You simply need to get a program (or create one like me) that works.. It REALLY gets easier over time and a lot better of a life.. Not the one waking up everyday thinking about death, dying, blood tests, prescription meds..ect

It's freedom!

Peter G

^^^^this^^^^^. 'Nuf said.

Boleo

If you are truly powerless over alcohol, accept help where ever it is available. Being judgmental of those trying to help you is just one more symptom of the disease.

Recovery begins with following directions. Specially those directions that don't make sense. In fact, I would go as far as to say that it was the directions that made no sense that ended up helping me the most.

Sudz No More

As you may have read Merc, I have struggled some lately as well. Today was very difficult battling the obsession but I made it home without and now I feel that I will make it the night. I know how hard the psychological part is so I completely understand where you are.

All we can do is remind ourselves why we can't drink and just get through the tough moments. Remind ourselves that it will get easier as we get farther from the last drink and not let ourselves slip again. Give it another try Man, don't give up.

ReadyAndAble

Merc, I'm sorry to hear that. Thank you for posting though. Thanks for always being so honest. I believe your posts wake a lot of people up to the stakes of our addiction. That's no small thing.

I had my last drink six months ago. I had my first two AA meetings this weekend. Not because I was feeling shaky, but because I was feeling down in the dumps, and just wanted to be around people who are going/have gone through similar things.

My first meeting was like a bad stereotype of AA. Half the folks there had felony records. Two were fresh out of jail. But you know what? They were all serious about staying sober. And when it comes to alcohol and recovery, I have a lot more in common with them than my coworkers and friends. Trust them? Yeah, when it comes to this stuff, I trust those folks 100%. They are totally open and honest about alcoholism—just like you.

I'm not saying AA is the way to go for you. But I hope you do something. I hope you get additional support of some kind. And who cares about trust, anyway? What's the worst that could happen? No one knows your name. They don't know where you live. The worst that could happen is... nothing.

You literally have nothing to lose by reaching out, and everything to lose if you keep drinking.

Prayers, Merc.

recoverywfaith

Merc,

I have often wondered about you and prayed for you. Please accept help...your destiny is to live a purposeful sober life; you can do it.

justjo

Merc, I was so mad when I read your post, yep I'll be honest. Praying wont cut it, you realize your doctor is telling you something, your body is telling you to stop. I guess Im mad because I dont want to see someone else die or get beaten again.
You are special, worth it, damn it, keep trying darling!

JJ

wolfguy

I have really struggled lately as well. Sometimes stress gets to me and I really crave a drink, but I realize that I need to fight the urge.

Freedom1990

For me, the amazing thing about AA is somewhere along the way, I lost the obsession. I no longer had to 'fight' to stay sober each day.

I haven't entertained the thought of drinking in a few years now.