The feeling of Inevitability
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
The feeling of Inevitability
The feeling of Inevitability
Hi all. I had a long post planned, to sort of check in with SR and myself. But like most intentions I have these days, the energy has left me and I've stalled. Instead I really want to release this rising pressure in me and ask a direct question:
How do you deal with the unshakeable feeling that your sobriety is temporary only, that a relapse is inevitable?
I'm 9 months sober, since the hell of active addiction to alcohol, to surrender, 'coming out' to family and friends, 2 months treatment: 9 months since all that and I stumbled back out in to the world sober.
Fast forward to now and my recovery is in limbo, if not in freefall. I feel like for all the clarity, the renewed health, restored appearance, the hope and fragile confidence, the love and encouragement of friends and family - even from myself, a little- I feel as if my Sobriety is running out of steam, like I'm reaching the end of the line and there's a drink waiting for me. In other words I guess I feel really close to relapse and I hate it.
I hate the feeling because I truly know what that first drink will do, where it will lead. Yet my overwhelming feeling of the last few weeks is that my sobriety has a timer and it's nearly run down. I'm close to a drink yet don't know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. 'Numb' would be an apt description for the way of things lately. For example, the other evening, at a loss for what to do, I flopped down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and think. Three hours passed by (!) of just that; lying there staring up, running circular thoughts over and over again, about drinking, enjoying the summer, mixing amongst drinkers, my loneliness, what to do tomorrow and so on and so on going nowhere. I work had all week landscaping (not my profession of choice but I'm fortunate to have a job to start over with) and look forward to the weekend but when it gets here, slump! Don't know what to do with it apart from fill it with little distractions to divert my attention from that voice that has been getting louder and louder lately, telling me to throw my arms up and surrender my sobriety, just like I did my alcoholism, and get a f**king drink and be done with it. "Sooner rather than later" and other
I truly can't bare the thought of it. The betrayal that would represent, of the hope and trust of those who care about me, the undoing of all I've rebuilt in these last 9 months, the promise of a better life I know I'll only find sober, the shattering of the (arrogant) illusion that I'm better than those chronic relapsers I've seen and heard about. And you know what? Tonight, that's enough to keep me away from that first drink. But will it be tomorrow? And the night after that? I'd love to answer that question with a 'yes' but the only honest answer I can give, right now, is 'no'.
Any advice or similiar experiences and solutions would be truly appreciated, SR.
Thank you
Hi all. I had a long post planned, to sort of check in with SR and myself. But like most intentions I have these days, the energy has left me and I've stalled. Instead I really want to release this rising pressure in me and ask a direct question:
How do you deal with the unshakeable feeling that your sobriety is temporary only, that a relapse is inevitable?
I'm 9 months sober, since the hell of active addiction to alcohol, to surrender, 'coming out' to family and friends, 2 months treatment: 9 months since all that and I stumbled back out in to the world sober.
Fast forward to now and my recovery is in limbo, if not in freefall. I feel like for all the clarity, the renewed health, restored appearance, the hope and fragile confidence, the love and encouragement of friends and family - even from myself, a little- I feel as if my Sobriety is running out of steam, like I'm reaching the end of the line and there's a drink waiting for me. In other words I guess I feel really close to relapse and I hate it.
I hate the feeling because I truly know what that first drink will do, where it will lead. Yet my overwhelming feeling of the last few weeks is that my sobriety has a timer and it's nearly run down. I'm close to a drink yet don't know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. 'Numb' would be an apt description for the way of things lately. For example, the other evening, at a loss for what to do, I flopped down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and think. Three hours passed by (!) of just that; lying there staring up, running circular thoughts over and over again, about drinking, enjoying the summer, mixing amongst drinkers, my loneliness, what to do tomorrow and so on and so on going nowhere. I work had all week landscaping (not my profession of choice but I'm fortunate to have a job to start over with) and look forward to the weekend but when it gets here, slump! Don't know what to do with it apart from fill it with little distractions to divert my attention from that voice that has been getting louder and louder lately, telling me to throw my arms up and surrender my sobriety, just like I did my alcoholism, and get a f**king drink and be done with it. "Sooner rather than later" and other
I truly can't bare the thought of it. The betrayal that would represent, of the hope and trust of those who care about me, the undoing of all I've rebuilt in these last 9 months, the promise of a better life I know I'll only find sober, the shattering of the (arrogant) illusion that I'm better than those chronic relapsers I've seen and heard about. And you know what? Tonight, that's enough to keep me away from that first drink. But will it be tomorrow? And the night after that? I'd love to answer that question with a 'yes' but the only honest answer I can give, right now, is 'no'.
Any advice or similiar experiences and solutions would be truly appreciated, SR.
Thank you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Originally Posted by TheJungianThing 
What sort of program are you using to stay sober ?
Not a good way to recover, I'll be the first to admit. The longer I go, the more I feel AA might be my only real lifeline, and I have been to quite a few meetings though I haven't made any real relationships there. In fact, for the most part, I slip in and out before anyone can speak to me. Something in me is deeply averse to the 12 steps and the 'AA way of life' though I can't put my finger on what exactly, and God knows I've tried.
Alcoholism really does cast a long, dark shadow over everything doesn't it? I mean, if it can't get you to drink, you can be sure it'll try and make your recovery as aneamic as possible...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
*** I'm close to a drink yet don't know why.***
Well that's easy, you're an alcoholic
We're either walking away from a drink or towards one. You said you're headed for one.
So now you have a choice: to return to drinking or to get help, because you need it to stay sober. I walked into AA because it was either do that or die. I can't get sober alone, I need the support of other people. AA's literature says the steps are "but a suggestion". I don't know what you mean by AA way of life. A bunch of alcoholics don't pick up a drink one day at a time. We go to meetings and then resume our lives. It really helps to get a sponsor because that person has your back.
Your choice.
Well that's easy, you're an alcoholic
We're either walking away from a drink or towards one. You said you're headed for one.
So now you have a choice: to return to drinking or to get help, because you need it to stay sober. I walked into AA because it was either do that or die. I can't get sober alone, I need the support of other people. AA's literature says the steps are "but a suggestion". I don't know what you mean by AA way of life. A bunch of alcoholics don't pick up a drink one day at a time. We go to meetings and then resume our lives. It really helps to get a sponsor because that person has your back.
Your choice.
Encourager In Training
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: KS
Posts: 717
Originally Posted by Hudstar
Alcoholism really does cast a long, dark shadow over everything doesn't it? I mean, if it can't get you to drink, you can be sure it'll try and make your recovery as aneamic as possible...
Two months' treatment is a pretty stout push-off, but the bicycle is becoming unstable. So, let's focus on how to get you peddling. What I'm talking about, of course, is a recovery plan. The simple truth is that for the vast majority of alcoholics, "sheer will" is not a sustainable path to a happy, meaningful life of sobriety.
Thanks for posting, Hudstar.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Well there are alternatives to AA. I haven't tried them but I've read about them and the core of them all seem to be to bring about a more joyful and productive life for the sober alcoholic.
SMART Recovery has some tools.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm
If you're reluctant to go the AA way of 12 Steps, perhaps you could try one of these other programs. I''m quite certain an open mind and some willingness are all you would need to bring to the table for any of them.
See, I have this sense, that there is a God - I'm not Him, but there is one. And He's pretty shrewd. He's well aware of humanities fallible nature and kind of facilitates the evolution of "other ways", other "paths" for people. I don't think He'd only extend ONE solution for an alcoholic.
AA gets my vote, of course, but I've no real issues with any of the proposals offered in it. I can't say one way or another about the other programs because I haven't tried them. The only one I can say with 100% experience has failed me is the program I called "My Way". That way truly sucked.
Best of luck bro(?)
SMART Recovery has some tools.
http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm
Originally Posted by First Edition Alcoholics Anonymous
Yes," replied the doctor, "there is. Exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Here and there, once in a while, alcoholics have had what are called vital spiritual experiences. To me these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and re*arrangements. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men are suddenly east to one side, and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begin to dominate them. In fact, I have been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangement within you. 14With many individuals the methods which I employed are successful, but I have never been successful with an alcoholic of your descrip*tion."
See, I have this sense, that there is a God - I'm not Him, but there is one. And He's pretty shrewd. He's well aware of humanities fallible nature and kind of facilitates the evolution of "other ways", other "paths" for people. I don't think He'd only extend ONE solution for an alcoholic.
AA gets my vote, of course, but I've no real issues with any of the proposals offered in it. I can't say one way or another about the other programs because I haven't tried them. The only one I can say with 100% experience has failed me is the program I called "My Way". That way truly sucked.
Best of luck bro(?)
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
I know how you feel, sometimes I feel like my sobriety is temporary and I am destined to pick up that drink. I don't feel like this is something that will happen anytime soon, but it's still an unsettling feeling nonetheless.
What do I do about it?
I take it "One Day at a Time". Today I am sober, I will concentrate on being sober "Just for Today"
Use the tools that I have been given in treatment to keep me away from picking up that drink.
For me that means daily AA meetings, working with my sponsor, speaking to other alcoholics and addicts, working the 12 steps, speaking with my HP, and rigorous honesty of where I'm at.
Stay busy and I exercise (a lot). Exercising is food for the soul.
What do I know?
I know that picking up that drink or drug will only lead me to misery. I try never to forget my last run.
What do I do about it?
I take it "One Day at a Time". Today I am sober, I will concentrate on being sober "Just for Today"
Use the tools that I have been given in treatment to keep me away from picking up that drink.
For me that means daily AA meetings, working with my sponsor, speaking to other alcoholics and addicts, working the 12 steps, speaking with my HP, and rigorous honesty of where I'm at.
Stay busy and I exercise (a lot). Exercising is food for the soul.
What do I know?
I know that picking up that drink or drug will only lead me to misery. I try never to forget my last run.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
What an awful place to be. I wouldn't want to be there alone. If you try AA and just say you're new, the people at the meeting will take it from there. Get numbers and call even if you are not sure what to say. Just reach out a little bit and those folks will have your back even if you're not sure you want them to. It's OK, you won't turn into some person you are not because you're asking for a little help. None of us has to do this thing alone.
Much love.
Much love.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
As simple as it sounds the knowledge that no matter how bored, depressed, anxious, restless, discontent or whatever negative thoughts seep into my consciousness, alcohol or drugs will only make me feel even worse. The short term relief just isn't worth the longer term consequences. If you buy the ticket you have to take the full ride, you can't just get off at the feel good part (which is very brief), you must ride it to the end which is withdrawal (detox), hypervigilance, anxiety/depression etc.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Hudstar: In fact, for the most part, I slip in and out before anyone can speak to me.
Yeah, I used to do the same thing. I think many of us do that. The problem was that I couldn't get the help I needed until I talked to people, asked for help, let them get to know me and I them, and developed relationships, etc. That human connection was absolutely essential to recovery.
Hudstar: Something in me is deeply averse to the 12 steps and the 'AA way of life' though I can't put my finger on what exactly, and God knows I've tried.
I didn't much like the idea of actually working and applying the twelve steps either. I think all of the steps go against our natural inclinations. I didn't like the self-searching, the confession of my faults, the leveling of my pride, the need for humility, the facing of my fears, the need to make amends and restitution, etc.
After all, what self-respecting alcoholic would do any of those things? I did and am doing all of those things with an attitude of complete willingness. Why? Because I was licked, desperate and willing to do anything. All of that was courtesy of my alcoholism. I became most reasonable when the choice was living or dying.
Susan
Yeah, I used to do the same thing. I think many of us do that. The problem was that I couldn't get the help I needed until I talked to people, asked for help, let them get to know me and I them, and developed relationships, etc. That human connection was absolutely essential to recovery.
Hudstar: Something in me is deeply averse to the 12 steps and the 'AA way of life' though I can't put my finger on what exactly, and God knows I've tried.
I didn't much like the idea of actually working and applying the twelve steps either. I think all of the steps go against our natural inclinations. I didn't like the self-searching, the confession of my faults, the leveling of my pride, the need for humility, the facing of my fears, the need to make amends and restitution, etc.
After all, what self-respecting alcoholic would do any of those things? I did and am doing all of those things with an attitude of complete willingness. Why? Because I was licked, desperate and willing to do anything. All of that was courtesy of my alcoholism. I became most reasonable when the choice was living or dying.
Susan
belac
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: anywhere I imagine
Posts: 12
A. I am an alcoholic and my life has become unmanagable. B. There is no human power that could have relieved my alcoholism. C. God could and would if he were sought.
A.A. was my way to my Higher Power. I rebelled against religion I thought God was religion I learned different when I came to A.A.. I had a spiritual experience with God that made me believe. I know without a shadow of a doubt that GOD is real and he is there for me. I would never have this without A.A. It saved my life. I tried to stop all by myself and guess what happened I kept on drinking. I learned about alcoholism. I was given some things to help me when I get crazy. And it works all you need is Honesty, an Open mind and willingness.
Frothy emotional appeal seldom sufice. The message that can interest and hold these alcoholics must have depth and weight. My way didnt work, A.A. had the message that had depth and weight enough to hold this alcoholics intersts and still does.
A.A. was my way to my Higher Power. I rebelled against religion I thought God was religion I learned different when I came to A.A.. I had a spiritual experience with God that made me believe. I know without a shadow of a doubt that GOD is real and he is there for me. I would never have this without A.A. It saved my life. I tried to stop all by myself and guess what happened I kept on drinking. I learned about alcoholism. I was given some things to help me when I get crazy. And it works all you need is Honesty, an Open mind and willingness.
Frothy emotional appeal seldom sufice. The message that can interest and hold these alcoholics must have depth and weight. My way didnt work, A.A. had the message that had depth and weight enough to hold this alcoholics intersts and still does.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Hudstar...I don't have much to add--just want to THANK YOU for putting into words (in BOTH your posts above exactly how I've been feeling the past two weeks (btw I'm sober 13+ months), and thanks to everyone for the answers. Exactly what I needed to hear.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Originally Posted by Hudstar
How do you deal with the unshakeable feeling that your sobriety is temporary only, that a relapse is inevitable?
I'm close to a drink yet don't know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. 'Numb' would be an apt description for the way of things lately.
I'm close to a drink yet don't know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. 'Numb' would be an apt description for the way of things lately.
My suggestion is to look at the sense of being bored, paralysed, indecisive, and numb. What small step could you do to help with these feelings? Would seeing a counselor help? Are you depressed or feeling down? What brings you a little passion and aliveness? Obviously, changing completely is probably an unrealistic short-term goal, but what small change can you begin to initiate? What did you hope to do when you first chose to get sober?
Look at all the recovery programs.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I have gone to four different self-help programs now. They all have there own unique ways of helping, and I think they all have online options. I am currently reading the book from the LifeRing founder. It describes the ambivalence that is present in addiction and the importance of doing things to help strengthen that part of us that wants sobriety-- sort of like giving life to our sober self. Amazon has the book on Kindle. "Empowering Your Sober Self" But you can also get info off the websites without buying a book. I am just so relieved this week to have found this book. It speaks to me.
The truth is no one knows what the future will bring. I have at times been sure that I would never drink again and at times been sure that I would drink, and been wrong both times. Now, I am trying to appreciate sobriety in the moment. Congrats on 9 months sober and on doing so much to rebuild your life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I had moments like that for a while... Lot's of good suggestions here. Nothing really to add to them except...
Looking back, surrendering to the process... that's what helped me. It's not up to me, what I think I want, right now... no, there is something else... getting out of the way... to let it happen.
Have faith Hudstar.
Looking back, surrendering to the process... that's what helped me. It's not up to me, what I think I want, right now... no, there is something else... getting out of the way... to let it happen.
Have faith Hudstar.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:The feeling of Inevitability? Thanks...Hudstar for the topic.
Something is missing isn’t it? If staying sober and going to meetings isn't enough, than something is truly missing, I do believe. Meetings is not the end all to recovery, just ask the reformist, they will tell you. If we don't expand our perimeters and just wait around until the "pink cloud" wears off, not moving along as we should, than were doomed to fail. Self loathing can take its toll and can cause a potential relapse, so can a wandering spirit. We should not be afraid of moving beyond our comfort zone and experience life outside the domain of our own exclusions. A Life in recovery is one thing to be admired but a life on the verge of something bigger is never shy of drama. You can't gauge spiritual growth by years but by degrees. If we continue to grow out of that rut we call "post alcoholic withdrawal", then we should continue to exercise our God given right to be free. We shouldn’t withdrawal from the very thing that we must attach ourselves too, we should give time, time, by expanding our horizons past the perimeters of recovery. A future without the drink and one that’s filled with so much promise and the dreams that will ultimately define who we’ve become, should also be our priority. The true test of any recovering alcoholic comes the day after we put down the drink. That’ the day when hope is restored and has been for this alcoholic a day that continues to “thrive” here and now and for evermore–one day at a time.
~God bless~
Something is missing isn’t it? If staying sober and going to meetings isn't enough, than something is truly missing, I do believe. Meetings is not the end all to recovery, just ask the reformist, they will tell you. If we don't expand our perimeters and just wait around until the "pink cloud" wears off, not moving along as we should, than were doomed to fail. Self loathing can take its toll and can cause a potential relapse, so can a wandering spirit. We should not be afraid of moving beyond our comfort zone and experience life outside the domain of our own exclusions. A Life in recovery is one thing to be admired but a life on the verge of something bigger is never shy of drama. You can't gauge spiritual growth by years but by degrees. If we continue to grow out of that rut we call "post alcoholic withdrawal", then we should continue to exercise our God given right to be free. We shouldn’t withdrawal from the very thing that we must attach ourselves too, we should give time, time, by expanding our horizons past the perimeters of recovery. A future without the drink and one that’s filled with so much promise and the dreams that will ultimately define who we’ve become, should also be our priority. The true test of any recovering alcoholic comes the day after we put down the drink. That’ the day when hope is restored and has been for this alcoholic a day that continues to “thrive” here and now and for evermore–one day at a time.
~God bless~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Whistler, British Columbia
Posts: 222
Good on ya for 9 months Sober Hudstar!
This is a big amount of time, and also a time for reflection on the last 9 months past.
You mention that you are close to drink but don't know why. But you do and you said it loud and clear.
It sounds like you are overloaded and need to take some time for you.
If I may offer some advise about a few of the things that are bothering you. First the paralyzing fear to take care of the day to day things and not finishing projects that you start.
When one puts off what can be done today it starts to eat away ones self. Small at first but it grows as the list of items that need to be taken care of.
Seize the day. Start small by taking care of the house / apartment. I find great satisfaction out of a clean and orderly house and it can set everything in motion to tackle the day to day items that need to be done.
Procrastination is masturbation for the mind and in end you are only screwing yourself.
Next you are obsessing over drinking and all the good times that you remember from a life long ago. Summer on the beach with beer in hand and friends by your side. This is the trickster in your head trying to romance you into the idea of drinking.
Remember the truth about all of our drinking and how bad it will end up. You know this to be true and know exactly where we all end up on this road.
Stop listening to that voice telling you it will be different this time. It wont. Not now, not ever.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Heck at 9 months I was you writing the very same thing.
Sunday you will be sober. Wake up extra early and perhaps go grab a coffee and find a nice quiet spot outdoors and watch the sun rise and just sit quiet for a few hours and give yourself some quiet time and just enjoy the moment you have.
It could be the very last moment you ever have.
This is a big amount of time, and also a time for reflection on the last 9 months past.
You mention that you are close to drink but don't know why. But you do and you said it loud and clear.
It sounds like you are overloaded and need to take some time for you.
If I may offer some advise about a few of the things that are bothering you. First the paralyzing fear to take care of the day to day things and not finishing projects that you start.
When one puts off what can be done today it starts to eat away ones self. Small at first but it grows as the list of items that need to be taken care of.
Seize the day. Start small by taking care of the house / apartment. I find great satisfaction out of a clean and orderly house and it can set everything in motion to tackle the day to day items that need to be done.
Procrastination is masturbation for the mind and in end you are only screwing yourself.
Next you are obsessing over drinking and all the good times that you remember from a life long ago. Summer on the beach with beer in hand and friends by your side. This is the trickster in your head trying to romance you into the idea of drinking.
Remember the truth about all of our drinking and how bad it will end up. You know this to be true and know exactly where we all end up on this road.
Stop listening to that voice telling you it will be different this time. It wont. Not now, not ever.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Heck at 9 months I was you writing the very same thing.
Sunday you will be sober. Wake up extra early and perhaps go grab a coffee and find a nice quiet spot outdoors and watch the sun rise and just sit quiet for a few hours and give yourself some quiet time and just enjoy the moment you have.
It could be the very last moment you ever have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Big thanks to everybody for the advice and encouragement. Feel a lot better today. Like I've weathered a quiet yet powerful storm and got to the other side. Sure won't be the last one I'll experience in recovery.
This place is so much more than a 'forum'
This place is so much more than a 'forum'
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,966
Sobriety is the starting point that lets me begun the job of having a social, purposeful, creative life. Just being sober and then becoming stagnate in life in general...Yes, that would be very dangerous for me as an addict in treatment too.
This sort of thing is a red flag, a warning that your in a danger zone: 
Maybe its time to expand beyond your comfort (boredom) zones. Engage in social activities, make new friends, start a new project at home, go to night school...Get out of the house on a regular basis and do things.
Keep moving forward in your recovery.
This sort of thing is a red flag, a warning that your in a danger zone:
at a loss for what to do, I flopped down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and think. Three hours passed by (!)
Maybe its time to expand beyond your comfort (boredom) zones. Engage in social activities, make new friends, start a new project at home, go to night school...Get out of the house on a regular basis and do things. Keep moving forward in your recovery.
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