hunt307

I have something I have been afraid to bring up in meetings, and even a little apprehensive to bring up to some of my friends in AA. I have constant doubts about whether or not I'm an alcoholic, and at times I feel like a fake and that I am only here to make friends. It seems like everybody relates so much to the big book, but for me, I can only relate to small parts of it in small ways. I came into AA after being in Alanon for a little over a year, and during that year I controlled my drinking very well, going out many times and never having more than two beers. I have had people in AA tell me that a real alcoholic has an alergy to alcohol and cannot control how much he drinks after the first drink. I can relate to the compulsion, the drinking to fill a void, and even telling myself that I was going to quit on more than one occasion, but all of those experiences were from four or five years ago. I just feel like I have a lot of experiences of being able to control my drinking. When I went into AA it wasn't because I wanted to control my drinking and couldn't. I went into AA because I no longer wanted to hang out with my drinking friends, broke up with my drinking girlfriend, was painfully lonely and didn't know how to make new friends. I don't want to be a fake, but I don't know where else to go, and that is really scary to me.

Latte

I know my bottom wasn't anywhere close to some peoples, but it was mine. I knew when I had had enough. I believe that is all that really matters.

MrDavid

A high bottom alcoholic can turn into a lower bottom alcoholic -over time. An allergy is what they call it and for good reason. When the allergy is triggered, we suffer the consequences for a period of time. The same thing goes for alcohol. When we trigger our alcoholism, the thought of the next drink plaques our mind as we set off to finish line that has no end. There is very little hope of recovery when confronted with a growing dilemma like active alcoholism unless you first admit complete defeat –as mentioned in the first step. There is hope for those who do suffer and AA has offered me a more viable solution for the past 9+ years. I suggest you read the first step in its entirety before embarking on any predisposed ideas about controlled drinking. This is only a suggestion… but certainly worth mentioning.

~God bless~

hunt307

I have actually been sober for over a year at this point. It's just that all of my consequences were in the past, so it's hard for me to be convinced that this is the root of my problems. I'm afraid that I am creating a problem for myself for somewhere to fit in, and I feel like this thought is keeping me from being able to continue making progress in the program.

hunt307

Yeah, I mean, I guess the first step is where I have my problem. I have worked through steps 1 through 8, but I keep going back to step 1 and questioning it over and over, and I feel like I have to constantly try to convince myself that I am powerless, but I don't know how I can convince myself that I can't control my drinking when I have been succesful so many times at doing it. All the problems with it have occured in the past, and how can I be sure that it would be like that again? I can assume that, but it says that the idea that we are not alcoholic has to be smashed, and how can I smash an idea without undisputable evidence?

MrDavid

Quote:

Originally Posted by hunt307

I have actually been sober for over a year at this point. It's just that all of my consequences were in the past, so it's hard for me to be convinced that this is the root of my problems. I'm afraid that I am creating a problem for myself for somewhere to fit in, and I feel like this thought is keeping me from being able to continue making progress in the program.

My apologies...

I don't like to conjure up images of my past even though it keeps it green for me in sobriety. My past is a reminder of how unique I was and how my alcoholism fueled that uniqueness. Yes...there was emotional turmoil and dysfunction in my family and alcohol helped bury those wounds -to an extent. Here was my main problem though: I allowed my disease to function in the realms of my insecurities, as I began the downward spiral into the dark abyss known as alcoholism.

If you feel that you’re not an alcoholic and the only reason why you remain in the program is to fit in, then you might have an ulterior motive for being there and alcohol, like you said, might not be the real reason. I would try to unveil your reasoning if you feel the need to do so. My 1st year in sobriety was a difficult one and can be quite unnerving, so don’t discard any notion of not being an alcoholic because you feel disconnected. The choice is up to you, of course, and I hope you stick with the program until you’re sure. Only you can be convinced of that, so be careful as you go forward. The decision you make will profoundly effect your future, so choose wisely. Be safe until then -as always.

~God bless~

CarolD

I removed a couple of posts because we were confused...

Welcome to our recovery community hunt307
congratulations on your sober time

TwelveSteps

I think most people in the program, especially after they have been sober for awhile, are tempted by the idea that they were never "really" alcoholics. Those I've seen go back out (myself included) to try some "controlled" drinking generally do not have good results.

Personally, before I got sober, I was able to control my drinking for long periods of time but always ended up "bouncing back" to my prior drinking levels.

GG

Zebra1275

You don't have to take the elevator to the basement to realize you are heading down.

The fact that you are going to AA meetings and posting on SR suggests that a part of you is uncomfortable where you are at. When I was in my 20's there was no way I was an alcoholic (although looking back I was). In my 30's I thought that maybe I'm just a heavier drinker than most people, then in my 40's my elevator starting heading down at greater speed. Thank God I managed to get off before I reached the basement.

skg

I have never met fake alcoholics. I've met fake sober people in the meetings, but not fake alcoholics. Alcohol is a great advocate for sobriety, and NOBODY has ever gone back out, come back, and said, "Holy CRAP! You can't believe what you're missing! No more DUIs, no more sickness, no more fighting, no more gravity,..." You get my point? Going back out because you think you've run out of options is called quitting.
If you have not worked the Twelve Steps, start. Get a sponsor and do what is suggested. If you have worked the steps and are simply stuck, take a look at the premise of the last three steps. They are growth paths, not mere maintenance. Spiritual enrichment through pursuit--If I'm not growing, I'm dying. It's not always easy, and it certainly isn't what the rest of the world has in mind, but spiritual exercize is as important as physical and mental.
PM me if you like and I'll tell you what I do to keep the complacency from sneaking in...

FrothyJay

You are asking a perfectly legitimate question. The fact that you are afraid to bring it up in AA shows that we, as an organization, have lost sight of one of our responsibilities-- helping the newcomer qualify themselves as an alcoholic.

It's often said that if you show up at an AA meeting, you belong there. Not true.

Part of the first step is understanding powerlessness as it relates to alcohol. A sponsor should be taking you through the various elements of that powerlessness-- the physical allergy (when I put IT in me, I want more), and the mental obsession (when I swear it off, I go back to it). Most alcoholics can identify with the physical part, but the mental part is usually more elusive. If you believe you can stay away from the first drink on your own power, why would you ever seek a power greater than yourself to solve the problem?

Reading from the preface to page 63 in the Big Book, and then sitting with someone who understands the material, should help you decide if you are an alcoholic. And yes, on several occasions, the Big Book suggests controlled drinking experiments to help someone decide if they are an alcoholic.

The steps would seem completely bizarre to me if I had not conceded to my innermost self that I'm completely powerless over alcohol, that I have a condition of the mind that prohibits me from discerning the difference between the true and false. That only a power that I do not understand can restore me to sanity.

So, by all means, wrestle with this problem. Do not make assumptions. If you're an alcoholic, the process of truly identifying with the nature of the disease with be the crucial foundation that your recovery is built on. And if you are not an alcoholic, you will have saved yourself a lot of time.

TwelveSteps

Oh and by the way -- being a high bottom alcoholic is not that unusual either. I can't relate to a lot of stuff in the BB. I'm a lawyer, never let alcohol interfere directly with my work, have a nice place to live, never got a DUI, never really got into trouble since I mostly drank alone at home, etc... But I knew it was all a matter of "yet."

I drank every night and could not stay stopped on my own. I'm an alcoholic, no better and no worse than any of my low-bottom AA fellows.

As someone once told me, "You hit bottom when you decide to stop digging."

GG

Mark75

LOL... yea I get that. Something brought you here, to SR, to AA and now you feel that must concede to your innermost self that it is alcoholism that brought you here, right now.

That's your journey to take. I, personally, don't have a problem coming at this question with the idea that perhaps you are not alcoholic. I agree with Frothy, just because you are in a place, anyplace, then it must mean that it is the place you belong. That's faulty reasoning, I've been lost many times in many ways, LOL...., some of those places I most assuredly did not belong, LOL... in some places I did, belong...

In my own journey I also found it very difficult to smash that idea... at first. In my own experience it was only necessary that I not drink because of external consequences and situations.... I began to realize that not drinking was much different than saying I was an alcoholic... Just as not drinking in itself, for the alcoholic, is not meaningful recovery..... It was unnecessary for me to decide everything at once, as in immediately... As serenity began to enter my life, I began to lose that sense of urgency.... Am I? or.. Not?

At that point I was able to find my own truth, in my own way and, again, unique to my own experience, in my own time....

Sounds like you are doing fine not drinking. Great, don't. Be honest with yourself, allow the truth to enter.... whatever that truth may be!

Welcome to SR!!

oak

Hunt307, Welcome to SR!!!

Thanks for posting. I also question if I'm an alcoholic, mostly because I drank so little in my life. I also had times when I could drink one or two and stop without problems. There were also times when I drank way too much (though not everyday) or obsessed about alcohol. I also have a 'high bottom'; however, it was low for me and for the way that I want to live my life.

You mentioned wanting non-drinking friends. I assume non-drinking friends will help you stay sober. You could also find ways to meet others (hobbies, local classes, meetup.com, whatever is available in your location). That might help you decide if there is something you get from AA besides sober friends (like if the program or meetings are helpful). However, I think it is okay to go just to get sober friends since having sober friends will help you not drink also. (the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking)

The fact that the negative consequences from drinking were 5 or more years ago does not mean that there weren't negative consequences. The first time that I joined AA was after not drinking for 8 years, yet I still found it helpful. You could also try alternative recovery groups (SMART, etc) and see if you feel like they are a better fit for you.

I can totally identify with not wanting to be fake. Are there one or two people in the meetings that you could talk to about your concerns?

Good luck in your journey!

MartyBL

"I have constant doubts about whether or not I'm an alcoholic, and at times I feel like a fake and that I am only here to make friends. . . I have had people in AA tell me that a real alcoholic has an alergy to alcohol and cannot control how much he drinks after the first drink. . . I went into AA because I no longer wanted to hang out with my drinking friends, broke up with my drinking girlfriend, was painfully lonely and didn't know how to make new friends."

The short form of the Third Tradition is that "the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking." Sounds to me like you qualify. There is a fair amount of language in the Big Book addressed to those who can ONLY stop drinking through a spiritual awakening.

At at least one of my meetings, one of the old-timers will predictably say, "Not everyone in here is a REAL alcoholic." I never know what to think of that, but it seems to be minimizing the disorders of those who don't quite this criteria.

The contest to be the WORST or the "lowest bottom" alcoholic is a losing battle - the worst alcoholics are dead. Very few people hang out in AA meetings just for the social interaction - whatever the reason, be it social, abuse of other substances, or other dual diagnoses, if they want to stop drinking, they're in. The background of the Third Tradition, as I understand it, was to try and keep AA groups from trying to decide who a "pure alcoholic" was.

If you find it useful, and you have a desire to stop drinking, you have as much business there as anyone else. Don't let it bother you.

martybl

MsCooterBrown

For me I had no doubt in my mind..I was an alcoholic. I blew WAY past any idea I could entertain in my mind that I was a binger or a heavy drinker. Terms get way too confusing for me..heavy drinker..to me is just a polite term for alky! So I don't care what whoever is that defines the many stages of alcohoism calls it. I just know that I Yam what I Yam! I would think you are in turmoil about this since you are an SR member. I am not an AAer but I would think as long as you question whether you are an alcoholic or not and want support stay in for awhile. You may have been in control 4 or 5 years ago..but it is a quick trip into hell once you lose control. I can't even pinpoint the YEAR let alone date that I became a daily drinker..all the best to you. I hope you get this figured out.

TheEnd

Regardless of whether you're an alcoholic or not, being a member and working the 12 steps will greatly improve your life, because it is a vehicle towards spiritual living. If you are a member and you are benefiting from this new way of life, why are you questioning the benefits? Nobody is going to pull you aside and call you a fraud, nobody cares whether you're an alcoholic or not except yourself.

Dee74

I have no experience wiht AA but I wanted to welcome you to SR Hunt
Good to have you with us

D

skg

"Every bottom has a basement." I've never felt the desire to drink shoe polish, but I don't need to in order to classify myself alcoholic. I haven't lost my family. Y.E.T. I haven't gotten a DUI. Y.E.T. I haven't gone to jail. Y.E.T. And 'YET' means "You're Eligible, Too" if you're not honest about your powerlessness.
If one is too many, and more not enough, you might be alcoholic, but the best answer I've heard is: "If alcohol is causing problems in your life, it's probably a good idea to stop."
Duh. I never thought of that!

peggy125

I can relate. I have rarely drank since Jan. 2005 when I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. By rarely, I mean I've been drunk 2-3 times in since 2005 and have had a drink with dinner 2-3 times a year since then. I'm now a mother of 3 little girls and I worry what will happen when they get older and don't need me as much. I think I don't drink now because I have so much to keep me busy. But shortly before discovering I was pregnant I was drinking alone when my husband wasn't home. I fear that once the girls are gone I will start drinking again and sink even deeper than I was before. I have no experience with AA so I can't offer any advice there. But I guess my point is that if your drinking is a problem to you then that's all that really matters if you're trying to recover. Good luck and I hope you're able to find peace!