colt1

You would think that a person like me would be able to pick up a drink and maybe even go out and have 3-4 drinks with friends. I can do it. I even have a breathylizer (no, not court ordered or anything like that--they sell them at Walgreens) in my car and so that I can make sure that I am not over the limit. If I go out with friends for no more than four hours at a bar where beer prices are outrageous and I know that, when I get home, my parents will still be awake to greet me, then I actually do drink responsibly. But for some reason, after a nice occasion, I am always in a foul mood on the drive home. Always angry...I probably just wanted more alcohol. Plus I just dropped $11 on two beers and it didn't feel all that spectacular. Also, I have a friend who I enjoy watching movies with. Whenever I would feel an urge to drink and still want to "act normal," I would call him up on suggest watching some movies at his place and I'd bring beer and we'd drink together. At least half of the whole interaction is about the beer and not the socializing or the movie (at least for me that is). If wasn't interested in drinking alcohol while still trying to act normal, I would probably rarely call him up.

If I am at a house party. I usually drink too much and then have to sleep in my car until sun-up even though my intentions were to only have enough to get a slight buzz. Then, after "sobering up" I will drive home right at .08 (knowing that if I was pulled over by a cop, I might be able to get away with the breathylizer by hyperventilating a little bit before taking the test which drops the reading by 0.02...also I discovered that downing a quart or so of water will dilute one's blood enough to where the blood alcohol would drop by 0.01.). 4 hours of partying, 4 hours of sleeping in the car, 1/2 of paranoid half drunk driving, and usually a hangover.

Doing these two things plants the seed for me to do something obvious and easy: buy the 12 pack of coors light at walmart for way cheaper and go home and drink all by myself. YAY!!! Parties become obsolete, no need to socialize, no need to drive, no overpriced beers, no parking, no tipping, no worrying about the cops, no smokey rooms, no loud music. My awesome little drinkers' paradise is at home in my cozy little room. Just me, my booze and the internet. I'd dim down the lights, put on youtube, netflix and facebook (and make stupid comments that I'd later delete in the morning) and relax. Did I mention that I sneak this booze past my parents? Then I feel bad and promise myself that I'd stop and start behaving like the "normal" drinker as described in the first two paragraphs...that is until I get fed up with going through socially acceptable rituals to get my booze, then I burn out on go to the activities described in this paragraph.

For me, when I am playing "moderate," those first two paragraphs describe my life. In fact, I have even left house parties early so I could buy booze, then run home and get REALLY drunk. One time, I was at a light drinking, very civil party and I made up the excuse that my mother was having car trouble and that I had to leave (at a way too early time)...all so I could go to the store, buy my booze and really party it up at home alone. Moderation works for about a week at best...and poorly I might add.

This is my life. This is why, for the first time in my life, I am convinced that abstinence is the easiest way to go. I am not being abstinent to be saintly or so that I can attain the status as a non-drinker (a nice bragging status to have though), I am being abstinent because I want to be happy again. I want to put an end to all this craziness. And that's what it is...craziness. I want to go back to when I was a kid and alcohol wasn't even on the radar for me...when alcohol was something that I didn't obsess about all the time. So, again I am not being abstinent to be better than anyone else or anything like that. I am being abstinent because it is a convenient, easier option. For many problem drinkers being sober is easy and being drunk is easy...but for me, moderation is just too damn difficult. One big clue in all of this...my dad had the exact same problem. He would be stone cold sober for work and drunk on the weekends. He had to quit drinking all together.

There is no longer a reason to drink. I can be very sociable without alcohol. If I can't live without the buzz, then marijuana (even when considering that it is illegal) is probably a smarter choice than booze. Rather than pining about MJ legalization....I can tell you that moderation just drives me nuts and so does getting drunk. I have known for years that I am risking my life and potentially damaging my health by drinking at the levels that I currently do...the fact that this knowledge isn't enough to keep me drinking at moderate levels means that I can't handle moderation. Alcohol is not for me.

langkah

Great you worked that out. What you want and how logical it is that you would decide to take that course for good and sound reasons.

If in spite of that you find yourself drunk again then may I be the first to welcome you to our little club.

Hope it all works out and you can retain your thinking in this matter and you need alter nothing else. That keeps your evenings free.

kiki5711

some of us, if not most, cannot have just one drink. It almost seems pointless to even start if you have to count how many you are allowed.

And look how much focus of your life surrounded the alcohol. Planning, plotting, counting hours, minutes, all that just to appear sober. How much fun is that? But we all did it at one point or another.

Eddiebuckle

A great post, very honest and I can totally relate. One observation from my experience: I liked pot, and for a time smoked several times a week, but every time I got high I just wanted to drink. And being high, there wasn't a whole lot of mental capacity to sort out the flip side... and I would wake up the next day having gotten high and drunk. Happened so frequently I gave up smoking pot. It took me 20 more years of drinking to face up to the fact that I can't do either.

Tigger41

Great post. Nicely articulated and I can relate

Sugah

I remember the misery of trying to limit my drinking. It was a painful victory when I could do it. And eventually, drinking like my mind/body wanted to didn't work anymore, either. The only way out for me was walking a path of sobriety along which the obsession to drink was lifted.

What are you willing to do to remain abstinent?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Fandy

it's exhausting, easier to be sober.

NYCDoglvr

I call myself an alcoholic because I am powerless over alcohol. I can not drink today, but when I pick up a drink I have no control over how long I drink or quantities. I can believe I'll have two drinks and wind up in a blackout. And the problem with this disease is that it's progressive. Non-alcoholics have no problem controlling their alcohol intake, they can take it or leave it.

Artoro

That's a great post colt1, both sad and funny. Have you ever considered creative writing?

I've actually never heard of anyone excusing himself from a party to be able to go home and get really hammered.

And by the way, are you really trying to fool yourself that instead of alcohol you should use something else, like marijuana? Like you don't know how that would end.

BASEjumper

That's the isolating effect alcoholism has on most people. I found that as I went deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole, anything and anyone that prevented or limited my drinking I pushed away.

I stopped going to parties, stopped hanging out with friends. Eventually I found myself sitting alone for days, drinking morning noon and night, only going out to buy alcohol. It only gets worse.

Zencat

I know the frustration of drinking in moderation is nothing but a bad joke. An alcoholic like me drinks for effect. And the effect that I like is based on massive consumption of alcohol. Yet the consequences of drinking like I did in active addiction was severely damaging to my mind/body and soul.

For me there is no middle ground. No happy comprise. No safe acceptable 'just get a little buzz' ground.

Being abstinent from all drugs has an unexpected benefit...being happy, joyous and free. And I don't have to pollute my mind/body to get it. very cool.

If I can do it...so can you! Keep going forward in your recovery.

Hevyn

Hi colt. I'm glad you're working this out. I insisted for many years that it was just a matter of willpower. I almost lost my life trying to prove I could have 'a few'. It never, ever worked for me in the last years of my drinking career.

I agree that it's exhausting and defeating to try and moderate when you rarely win that battle. Be proud of yourself for seeing what needs to be done here.

colt1

I must apologize. It has been brought to my attention that I did something on this forum that I shouldn't have; I downplayed pot's many negative effects. Granted there is statistical research that says one thing and my own experiences, it is still a fact that pot is illegal and causes problems for many people beyond its legal status.

Obviously, if you want to be a functioning, law abiding, healthy individual, then complete abstinence is your best bet.

Justfor1

.01, .02 ect.. that is insane trying to monitor your drinking levels. Normal drinkers do not have to do that. BTW those cheap breathalyzer devices are not always accurate & could be off a bit. For me, staying sober (although difficult) is easier than drinking socially.

nvrbeentospain

Yeah, moderation didn't work for me either. It seems like such a reasonable idea, but it's only reasonable if you already have a reasonable relationship with etoh, which most of us are lacking. It's so much easier just to not drink than to do that counting and feeling deprived business.

Zencat

Abstinence stands on its own. As for a law abiding, healthy individual...that's optional. I may be clean and sober yet I do like to cut it up...with that comes consequences. But hell, I'm a wild one from day one and that dose not get in the way of a alcohol/drug free life...actually I'm more carefree and lose because of it.

instant

Colt. Good decision. My variations on moderation did not work too well and were just plain hard work.

Sobriety is the only way I have found to bring a feeling of contentment and satisfaction.

dawnrunner

Colt1, I loved your post.

I can completely relate to that aggravated angry feeling when coming home from some social event where 'moderation' was required.

And I too have left parties early and flown to the liquor store, planning a little private drunk party of one.

I don't think there are many people who 'drink responsibly' as the commercials put it. I just got home from an extended family Thanksgiving house party in which the only detrimental factor was booze/pot: those who went in for these in a heavy manner became loud, obnoxious, belligerent, insulting, messy, and later sick. Everybody who drank wine drank too much of it and their conversation degenerated into red-faced yelling on increasingly random subjects. I was never so happy to be sober, with sober conversation and genuine hugs at the end.

Good for you, for sorting this all out. And best wishes for a sane and sober social life. Talking to your dad about all this might be really illuminating.

SamanthaIam

(raising my hand) Yep, me too -- leaving parties early so I could go home and get super hammered.

Also, I was a drunken Facebook rambler. Eeek. Many times I dragged my hungover azz out of bed the next morning specifically to delete the damage I'd done the night before, hoping that no one saw it.

Moderation was a fail for me, too. It ended up being an act, where I'd pretend to drink normally in public but then get wasted alone (thinking I was hiding it from my family -- duh).

Good luck, Colt. Thanks for your post.

lostbutterfly

drinking in moderation is self-torture! I can't do it either. I loved drinking alone. It was the only time i could drink as i wanted to.