dbearw

Ok- let me start by saying this isn't a resentment, just an observation. Don't accuse me of needing more gratitude, I'm not ungrateful.

I have been laid up for a few weeks with a head injury, and aside from a few get wells on facebook my fellow AA's have been silent. I can't drive, I need help with my kids, and household things etc. I did send out a group e-mail to some friends in an out of the program asking for help, and I have received help, but nothing from the AA's (except for the one who left the group and decided she's not alcoholic). What is up with this? I don't think it's resentment but I do feel a little confused. I don't expect an outpouring, but these are people I see every day and because I can't do a meeting, they're gone. I know we don't give to get, but I did think when I first found out about how this head recovery was going to be OK because I would have a big support system. IDK. just an observation.

OK maybe I'm getting a resentment.

CarolD

I don't know...but I sure would be keeping their phones busy...

When I need additional assistance...I do often...I make sure to
tell someone exactly what and when...."I need a ride to the grocery store Tuesday"
I call back on monday to jog their memory.

Sorry about your injury...healing prayers coming your way
Gentle

LexieCat

Hm,

I'm just guessing here, but it may be that everyone on that group email thinks someone else is helping.

Maybe if you picked up the phone and called someone directly, and told them about your need for help and ask them to help you spread the word, you would get better results.

Personal contact is almost always better than email for something like that.

dbearw

I guess I didn't single anyone out for help. And other people are helping, they just aren't in AA. Now that I think about it, it's not a resentment, but I guess I expected it to be the other way around. I didn't want to put anyone on the spot and make them feel obligated but singling them out.

One thing that is still happening is that people are asking me to do service lol.

I know I'm not reaching out either- I can't tolerate the sound of the phone. It gets the headache going. I just can't wait to get back to life!

bellakeller

you have to be Very Specific when asking help from a bunch of drunks.

nandm

I experienced something very similar in early sobriety. I was involved in an accident that left me in the hospital for a month, a wheelchair for 3 months, crutches for several months before being able to progress to a cane. I was fortunately able to walk without assistance after one year. When I left the hospital I had a broken right shoulder, a broken left wrist, muscle and tendon damage to my left thigh, and multiple fractures that required a metal rod to be placed in my right thigh. Needless to say I needed help with everything. I could not even make it to the bathroom on my own.

If it were not for my partner, who is in AA, I would not have even been able to make it to meetings. She paid another AA member to take me to meetings during the week, then she took me on the weekends. The entire time I was in the hospital I had a total of two AA members other than my partner visit me. When I was discharged no one came by.

This experience helped me to learn the difference between acquaintances and friends. I had many acquaintances in AA but had not developed a strong support system of friends yet. Today, I know if a similar thing were to happen I can name at least 4 people who would be by on a regular basis to make sure I was ok. I had never learned the difference while drinking since I was only capable of being an acquaintance during that time. I had not learned what true friendship was. Four people may not sound like a lot but after my experience it means the world to me to know that I can count on each of them.

I do agree with what others have said about reaching out. That is how I built a support system of friends. I had to do much of the reaching out. Alcoholics are not necessarily the most trusting people in the world and it takes time to build solid friendships. Even with time it is sometimes trial and error as to who will stick around as a lasting friend and who will not. It has taken me ten years in this program to develop the small support system I do have. Even at five years sober I don't know how many people would have been there to help me out, maybe one or two at the most. Hang in there and try not to get discouraged. Keep reaching out and before you know it you will find those diamonds that are out there.

dbearw

I have been in this AA group for 4 years, so I consider many of them as more than acquaintances.. I just think our relationships are limited to AA. I have good friends, outside of the program, even though I drank I have lifelong friendships. Maybe that's why I haven't gotten so close to people in AA, I still have my best friends.

I'm trying every day not to feel sorry for myself. I don't handle injury/illness very well.

Sugah

Does your AA district and/or area have a special needs committee? If so, contact them, let them know you're essentially shut in now, and though housekeeping and sitting doesn't fall under what special needs can do for you, they could try to organize an in-home meeting for you.

I'd also tend to agree with Lexie. It's very likely that folks may be thinking others (who are closer to you?) are helping out. I'd make it very clear (and tactful) that you will repay the assistance, either directly or indirectly, when someone else is in need.

My AA community is pretty tightly knit here, at least as far as my home group goes. I can't remember the last time someone was sick, lost a loved one, or needed to move that we weren't all there. I feel a little sad when I hear that in other places, it's not necessarily the case. I guess I should ask: do you have a home group? Do you do things together outside of meetings?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Sugah

I guess I took a little too long to reply and you answered the question. My husband and I are in the same home group, and we cultivate the friendships with others in our group by going out after meetings, having them to our home for holiday parties, and having cookouts in the summertime.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

dbearw

I have done all the social stuff, I'm no stranger in my group, which is part of my surprise here. These are people I do know well, just maybe not like my old friends. I felt like trust was broken once in my HG, a couple of years back, and I'm less trusting than I was. But I definitely do the social stuff. I'm just making the mistake of waiting for people to offer. I expected a few, not a lot, of the ladies to reach out, but that's expectations. I haven't been sitting around waiting either- I just noticed today that they've been quiet.

dbearw

This is sort of contradictory- I am waiting for people to make offers- but not sitting around waiting the whole time. Just thought of it today actually. People have offered and help, just not AA people . I'm planning on going to a meeting tomorrow eve, I'm sure I'll get a warm reception.

GodsHolyWill

I hope you feel better soon!

Stevie1

Somebody made the comment at a recent meeting, when addressing a newcomer, that he was always hesitant to make a big deal of welcoming newbies because 9 times out of 10, they'd be gone in a month. But you say you have a couple of years with your HG so the reticence with newbies probably isn't a factor?

I guess, people are people, and just because someone is in AA doesn't mean they're going to be a better or more diligent friend. I am fairly new to AA, but so far my closest and bestest friends are not in AA (nor do they need to be!)

I'm sure you will get a very warm reception at your next meeting, and it will be sincere. However, many friends are "situational" and if you have never interacted with these folks outside of meetings, they're perhaps unsure about crossing a boundary into your personal life?

yeahgr8

The definition of a friend is a person that you want to spend time with regardless of the activity...it's useful to remember that and don't get sad about it:-)

Remember that we compare AA to a group of peope on a sinking ship jumping into the lifeboat all struggling to survive and that we are people that would normally not mix nor meet...some people manage to live in AA but AA is a bridge to normal living implying that we will keep and make "normal" friends...does that make sense?

Basically you are expecting too much out of the people in the room and thats a very dangerous way to look at them...i know because i did the same and its a real kick in the teeth and hurts until you look at the reality of the situation...you might as well be asking why no-one on SR has come to your house and helped out...remember you are not alone and you are not limited to making new friends just in recovery...

You will make new friends outside recovery who will only want your company because they like being with you...they will be unconditional friendships providing you keep working on yourself...hope that helps and hope you get better soon...

littlefish

I think it is so hard for us alcoholics to ask for help. I finally stopped resenting my kids when I stopped waiting for them to help with the dishes: I had to ask for them to help, repeatedly.
The fact is that they will help, if asked.
I have seen my HG extend a helping hand to two dying members in the last two years and the helping/giving has been generous and constant. BUT, someone always mentioned in announcements at meetings the hospital visiting times, address and what kind of help was needed.
Ask for help...would that be a good tool to use now? :ghug3
And, best of luck with a speedy recovery!

UniqueNewYork

I was taken under the wing of someone early in sobriety. I was made to drive his sponsees around, clean up his friends houses and other tedious chores. When I pushed back he would say "this is what keeps me sober.. maybe you aren't an alcoholic". I ended the relationship.

I met my next AAer. They lived a mile away from me. During our first conversation he wanted to know when he could come over to my house and hang out. He began to call me everyday asking for a ride. I eventually stopped returning his calls. The relationship is ended now.

I met my third AAer that I really got to know and he was like a superhero.. but before I get to him..

Superhero had an acquaintance not in the program even though he needs to be. Constantly drinking and he claims to have been with over 500 women imo because he has mental problems (I think his parents never loved him and he has to have sex to feel any self worth or accomplishment). Womanizer guy started calling me everyday asking for rides. I was pretty quick to say look I gave people rides before, they didn't appreciate it, I'm not doing the rides thing again. He still called almost daily. Stopped answering his calls. Relationship over.

Ok so back to Superhero. Superhero gave me a job. Superhero made me his workout partner. He could have treated me like his underling, but never did, always his equal even when I could not lift as heavy as he could in the gym. Superhero showed me how to go out and have fun and hit on women without a drink. Superhero made me his best friend even though he had 30+ friends constantly calling and wanting to hang out. I walk Superhero's dog. If he needs anything, I drop everything for him. A lot of times I will buy him a meal and he'll buy me the next meal. It even came up in conversation one time that he said he would take a bullet for me which is how I feel about him. If he ever went to jail, I would bail him out. If he ever lost his license, I would drive him around. I would do anything in my power for him.

So you asked for a reason why your AA people don't want nothing to do with helping you. Its because of all those people I had to meet to get to one great person. All those people running around tap out the decent individuals in AA, until they yell "NO MORE" "He trickah me, with all his check-check-check". Then decent people like yourself get the shaft.

DayTrader

dbearw

I too have had a lot of "alone time" in sobriety. No license, no significant other, no rides, .......basically find a ride to/from work, go home, stay there.

Every time I heard "it's a WE program" I'd get mad..... "where was all the WE when I needed a ride or was sitting alone???"

I mentioned it to a good friend in the program.....one with a lot more widsom than I had/have and she said........maybe God wants you to be alone to get some stuff done that you couldn't do with others around - like reading the BB, or praying, or working on inventory, or writing......etc.

....not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to focus on how I was being screwed over and wallow in self-pity. Instead though, I took her advice. I downloaded a TON of open talks ( over a thousand of them) and started listening......and learning. I got into the BB, the 12&12, Sermon on the Mount, and several other books.

ALL my life, up to that point, was filled with "excitement" by me. I was always around ppl, out doing something, looking for that next emotional buzz. The concept of sitting quietly and hangin' with God was very foreign to me......and really, without being forced into it, I might never have experienced it.

There's always a silver lining......a "reason" things are happening the way they are...... our job is to look for that reason (to seek) and to do God's will in spite of not getting what it is we think we want.

WakeUp

I can see both sides of the coin here.
On one hand, yes, we can't have high expectations of people, then when they're not met, have a big resentment over them.
On the other hand, we profess to live a new life in AA. We're not supposed to be liars, thiefs, cheats anymore. The Big Book says we're supposed to be of maximum service to others. So, it's a matter of living by the new set of values we've learned. We have to walk the talk.

I'm in the same situation right now. I've kind of detached from people in AA. I go to my home group, and do my service work I'm committed too, but I don't hold out hope for friends, or support. My sponsor, I would take a bullet for. No question.

ZZworldontheweb

I sometimes think we have unreasonable expectations of AA. There's no reason to think that people there will be any more altruistic, selfless, compassionate, or wise than the average person in our larger society. They're just a specific group of people coming together to work on a specific issue - alcoholism.

Many people seem to rely on AA for most of their friends and social life, on the premise that alcoholics are so different from other people that only other alcoholics can can ever understand anything about them, and that any relationship based on something other than mutual affliction with alcoholism must be shallow. I'm not sure that's a good idea.

dbearw

Well I went, and everyone was totally nice and asked me how I was feeling. A few women asked me why I hadn't called. I was just feeling lonely I think. Thanks for all the replys- you guys are keeping me company!!