Ten0fnine

I've spent much of the last two days reading post after post in this forum. And talking to my wife. And crying. And holding my children. And, in all honesty, feeling like crap.

I'm really struggling with the "12-steps". Many of them... don't seem to "fit" for me. In fact... almost all of them I struggle to relate to.

I'm not sure I'm ready for a "meeting". I have the veil of anonymity here. It's much more comfortable. I'm battling the shame of what I've been doing, and just the thought of looking into anothers eyes... is panic inducing.

I keep reading that recovery is more than just stopping, but nothing else of which I've read has... called out to me. There is no emotional attachment, or, desire to take another step further than simply "not drinking anymore".

Sadly, I feel that my failure to want to take this next step may very well result in my failing.

I have another hour of sobriety, but aside from that, no clear direction. So what's next?

tsmba

Two pints come to mind: one is that we cannot do this alone. Second is that the steps are to be worked in order. We cannot look at all 12 beforehand and be concerned with doing them all. This doesn't mean we avoid studying and discussing them, but all journeys begin with the first step.

You cannot recover in a vacuum, or via the anonymity of your home. The things you need to do will feel uncomfortable, but you must do them. Take the plunge and start trying out meetings. You will meet folks who know exactly what you are feeling, and will help you.....no strings attached!

Isaiah

If you were to try a 12 step program you don't have to take it in immediately. For me, I'm still learning more about what the steps are really about, how they work for me, and how they don't. Same is true with every other recovery "program" I can think of. You don't have to commit for life and put your money down right away. Some amount of experimentation is always a good thing.

And just "not drinking" doesn't get a lot of people too far. I can't think of anyone here who has reported success by just a decision to stop. Most of us do some sort of work or activity that in some way.

I often compare alcoholism to diabetes, as both require a type of vigilant abstinence. A diabetic wont be healthy if all they do is "not eat carbs." They have to test their blood, deliberately plan meals, see a doctor and exercise. Alcoholics also need to have some form of a plan or program to not only abstain from alcohol, but to create environments and a psychology where abstaining works the best.

But you can't force too much too quickly. Just as long as you manage your todays to keep them alcohol free and keep an open-mind about recovery, answers and ideas will come.

Isaiah

That is the best Freudian slip/typo I've seen on this board yet.

Sudz No More

Boy I could really go for two pints... of coffee right about now.

Sudz No More

Just get some sober time in Ten and it will all become clear for you. With each passing day you will see the difference you are making for yourself and your family. One day at a time.

suki44883

I didn't do AA, but I can understand what the others are saying because that is what first popped into my mind when I read your post. Everything is done one step (pardon the pun) at a time. Your first step is to stop drinking. Your second step is to find support. SR is great for online support, but it is much better if you find face-to-face support from people who have been where you are and have gotten much better. Once you begin working The Steps, you have to take them one at a time, taking as much time you need on each one. As you do that, things will become clearer to you.

I wish you nothing but the best. Recovery is available to you, as it is to everyone who truly wants it.

AmericanGirl

TenOfNine-- I think it's good you've been reading here so much. That's how I spend the first few days too, just getting as much info as I could and reading others' experiences. Over six months later, I still check in here almost daily, and sometimes multiple times a day.

I was terrified to try AA for many of the reasons you mentioned, so afraid that I actually asked my boyfriend to wait in the coffee house next door in case I ran out screaming/crying. He did, and I didn't come out screaming, but I did cry during the meeting and it helped to know he was near. I ultimately decided that SR is the best choice for me to have a regular community of recovery . . . I hope that you will keep your mind open to many opportunities but also know that there are many ways to achieve and maintain a state of recovery/become recovered. What you are doing right now is great--you're here, you're listening, you're at least thinking about whether or not those steps make sense to you and are the right approach to take . . . and that is excellent.

Ten0fnine

Is "recovery" possible without the "12-steps"? I mean, they just feel so artificial to me. They almost... make me angry in a sense.

I'm stuck at Step1. I'm not powerless. I made a conscience decision Saturday morning to NOT drink. I made the same decision today- and I won't drink.

I'll have to make that same decision tomorrow. And the next day. And every day for the rest of my life.

How is that powerless, when only I have the power to NOT drink? Nobody made me drink... and no one can make me not. It's up to me.

Should I not embrace the fact that I do have the power to change my own course, instead of telling myself I do not?

Isaiah

Twelve steps are not the only path out there. It's an old method, has had a lot of success, plus it's available in almost every community across the world, so it's a good point of entry.

Powerlessness was something I struggled with at first too. There is a perception, based in a lot of AA literature, that admitting powerlessness does eventually lead to the belief that one should not manage their own life but leave it all to God.

Even as a religious person myself, that does not work for me. The way I accept and interpret powerlessness is more like walking away from the fight altogether. I used to manage my alcoholism by having daily and regular battles against drinking thoughts. It was not only a frustrating experience but lead to a lot of slips on my part. I wanted to kill drinking thoughts, wanted to "prove myself" against my disease.

I don't think of powerlessness over alcohol as powerlessness in general. To me, it just means knowing which fights are worth picking. And for me fighting alcoholism is like fighting a brick wall, I can't make it move no matter how much energy I throw at it.

CarolD

Ten...
please try and relax. You are going thru the initial
de tox period...give your body and mind a chance to improve.

Many of our members are sucessfully sober without
useing a structured program.

Your mission today is to not drink alcohol.

Water and Gatorade are good to flush out your system.


Blessings to you and your family

Sudz No More

AA and the twelve steps are not something I prescribe to either. From reading your posts I don't think you have gotten that far down the slippery slope yet. Just get some meaningful sober time in, two, three weeks or more and you'll start to be able to better define the level of Alcoholic you are and what course of action you need.

It sounds to me like you simply need to focus on not drinking and things should start to smooth out for you. If in a few weeks time you are obsessing over drinking then you might need some peer to peer. I personally find that participating in this great community we call SR is enough to help me deter the cravings. You may need more help than that but only time will tell.

Ten0fnine

You're right.

I've noticed that I am irritable today. I have a headache. I'm feeling rather disoriented. I'm ... twitchy.

I'm ready for "this to be over" ... Ha! And of course, the more irritable I am, the more angry I become, and the more I feel the urge to ... sneak away and have a little nip... you know... just to "calm the nerves".

Today will be the first time I've watched football, free of alcohol, in my adult life. And that's... making me irritable too. I WANT to enjoy a beer or two and watch the game.

However, I don't stop at one or two, and I don't want to live like that anymore.

I'm going to just push through today. Tomorrow will be my first big test anyways. I should probably take some time to plan out how I'm going to get home from work.

So, CarolD, you are right, and I'm going to take a break, step away from the computer. Maybe fix a pot of stew. Do something to ... distract myself.

I'll check in tomorrow. Thanks.

Oh, and um... this sucks.

yeahgr8

Then great if its truly your choice then you will be fine...if you drink again even though you dont want to then it isnt your choice...hopefully you wont find that out and this is the end of your drinking:-)

tjp613

Yeah, you may have to find something else to do instead of watching football on Sundays -- too much of a 'trigger' right now. Is there another activity you'd enjoy - maybe something with your girls? Bowling might be good for your irritability -- take it out on those dang PINS!

it will get better and better with every passing day....that's a promise.

tsmba

Maybe you could look at it this way: would millions have gotten sober, stayed sober, and continue to get sober by working steps that are "artificial"? While it is true that some folks occasionally get sober without the steps, consider the number who die trying. Even in the best of circumstances, the odds against maintaining sobriety are stacked against us. Don't surrender the war before you've even gone into battle!

Ten0fnine

I understand, and I'm happy for all those who have been served well by the method.

The first step, as it's written, seems to be counter to the notion that we suffer the consequences of our decisions, and therefore must shoulder the responsibility for what we do. I'm 100% responsible for my drinking. Isn't it up to me to stop? If I don't have the power to not bring the bottle to my lips... then how can I stop? Nobody else controls the "hand-to-mouth" movement in my arms.

In no way am I trying to minimize the effectiveness it has had for millions of people. I'm just trying to understand... trying to take the "1st step" ... and I'm hitting a wall with it. Or perhaps I'm being too literal. Or perhaps detoxing has effected my reasoning abilities.

I had no idea that questioning the "12steps" was akin to disputing religion while standing in church. The PMs can stop. I'm not challenging anyone's beliefs- I'm just struggling to build my own.

I want to jump into this with two feet, as I am at this moment, incredibly motivated. I'm trying to embrace the process, but in order to do it, I need to understand it... That's all.

I apologize to those who took my comment personally.

suki44883

Again, I didn't do AA, but I always took Step 1 to mean that we are powerless over alcohol once we take that first drink. Most people can have a beer or two while watching a football game and then drink no more, but you admitted that you couldn't stop after one or two. That is where the powerless thing comes into play, IMHO.

Ten0fnine

Thank you so much. Now it makes sense.

julez

Hey Ten,
I read and read and read on SR every day, every chance I got, for the first month or so trying to "sober up". This was a very encouraging and supportive place for me, and it still is. I wasn't ready for AA or the 12 steps, or anything BUT not drinking, and reading this site. I eventually got antsy, needed something bigger to help me, and needed something bigger to believe in, and now I have 4 AA meetings under my belt. For some of us, its a slow process. I think thats ok. For me, it means I took my time until I was finally ready to admit that I couldn't do it by myself. I learned all I could about AA from here, and also from some other books I read, to make sure I could handle what was to be expected of me. Don't stress out. Take it one day at a time, baby steps, and do some research. And DON'T DRINK. Thats what I did, and so far its working for me. There are going to be a lot of "firsts" like Sunday football. I had my first sober birthday and my first sober Halloween. I hope the best for you. Be gentle with yourself.