least

I think what Flutter meant was that you alone are on this sober journey, you alone are responsible for your sobriety. Whether your wife supports you or not, it's still your business and you have to want it and go after it for yourself.

Support from a spouse is great, but if they're not alkies they don't/can't really understand the struggles and such.

Maybe just tell her you know she means well but to back off for a while, and not be reminding you of this, that, or the other. With time you'll settle down emotionally and feel more rational/sensible, and then you guys can talk or whatever.

Not really 'push her away', more that she understands that you're on your own journey for a while and to let you live it and figure it out for yourself for a while until you feel a bit more 'steady'.

You can do it, I have faith in you!

flutter

Gotcha! All we can do is share our experience, strength and hope here. If what you're doing is what works best for you, by all means keep it up! I personally view it is as an unfair involvement/burden/weight on his shoulders to be involved in something he cannot possibly understand (speaking of my husband). My recovery journey has been incredibly personal, and has had to be, it has nothing to do with my husband.. whether I stay married forever or not, I need to make this my own deal..but again, we all do this different. When I did try to involve him, he would press and ask questions about how I was doing, if I was thinking of drinking... ultimately asking me if I thought I could drink again in the future.. I appreciated his concern, but he isn't my counselor and isn't responsible for my success or failure, it wouldn't be a fair position to place him in, which even not meaning to, he would have felt it.

I wish you luck, I was just sharing my experience regarding the frustrations you've expressed about your wife's involvement in your sobriety. I hope that starts feeling better to you if that's how you plan for things to go on.

Zencat

What helped me in early recovery was to understand addiction and how it effects my mind/body. That way I as able to know what treatments I need to undertake. One of the first resources I came across early in recovery was (to Google) the recovery tool: AVRT in a Nutshell. The article really gets down to the straight dope about addiction.

I see addiction recovery as developing a set of recovery skills (tools) that help me cope with alcohol free living. SMART Recovery Tools are a good resource for finding recovery skills. I like them because they are simple to understand and easy to put in practice. But like anything in life, it takes commitment with diligence to follow through. There will be the usual ups and downs, as it is with life, so being patient with ones self is paramount.

The fact is, there is more than one way to recover from alcoholism. I choose a way that was meaningful to me. Whatever you choose to do Ten, here at SR is a wonderful place to share your hopes and strengths along with giving and getting support.

keithj

I'm quoting you instead of Suki, flutter, because I hope you trust that I'm not trying to belittle or demean you.

What AA means by powerless is both after taking that first drink (this one is obvious for most people), and before taking that first drink. There are numerous references to this idea in the BB, and a couple of chapters devoted primarily to this idea. It's not a personal interpretation; it really does mean what it says.

You don't have to believe that you are powerless before picking up that drink. It may not be true for you, and it may not match your experience.

It does, however, match the experience of many of those that ultimately get sober in AA after failing for years. It matches my experience perfectly.

This idea is the entrance point into AA. It's why, I think, there is some friction between AA folks and other folks on this site. If that AA powerless idea doesn't match one's own experience, then it seems absurd. AA is not for them. They are not an alcoholic of the type described in the BB, and they are unlikely to see a need for taking the rest of the Steps.

If I could have made up my mind, made a decision, worked really hard, did whatever it took, and stayed sober, I would not be powerless. And I would not need AA's program of recovery. If I still have ideas in my head about what I need to do, what my plan should be, for staying sober, I can't access the AA program because I haven't surrendered.

I just wanted to clarify that issue. It is a huge concept to get a grip on. The idea that I'm powerless goes against every fiber in my body. But it's been shown to be a very effective concept for alcoholics of the type described in that BB.

flutter

ok I give up!! Lol just kidding.

Ten0fnine

Thank you KeithJ, for your well worded explanation.

I often find myself on the receiving end of a rant from a random AA member telling me that by questioning what AA is, or how it works, that I'm simply going to "drink myself to death"... with no clear explanation or answer for my question.

AA appears to be incredibly complicated to me- at the same time, I'm really trying to understand it. I HAVE to understand something- I can't just blindly jump in.

I really am trying, and I thank you for your time to reply.

keithj

Then I'll wade in a little further. The AA program is anything but complicated. I can, however, complicate the hell out of it.

It's kind of what Dee said. That tendency for me to dismiss something, find fault with it, disagree with it, all while continuing to drink. "It's not for me", I'd say. "I don't agree with it, I'm an atheist, those people suck," and so on.

It gets real simple in a hurry. I was a drunk who could not get sober. I went to doctors, counselors, outpatient treatment, rehab. I kept getting drunk. All the knowledge in my head wasn't keeping me from picking up that first drink. All of the consequences of my actions weren't sufficient for me.

The simplicity of AA is this: Am I out of ideas and attempts to stay sober? If I still have ideas left, I'm not ready for AA. I still have options. AA works best when I've burned up all my options.

The simplicity is also this: Do I want to get sober for good and all? Am I willing to do what others have done, even if I don't think it will work for me?

I'll offer the AA program of recovery to anyone interested. But I never try to talk anybody into AA. Booze does a much better job of convincing people.

Kjell

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
--HERBERT SPENCER

Why not go find out for yourself? This way you'll know for sure instead of guessing about what it is or isn't. A lot of folks are giving you some good advice here about AA, but it's up to you on what's next.

One thing I know for sure - my recovery took off and I mean took off when I finally starting participating in my own recovery. I can think and talk all I want, but in my experience, it takes action and a lot of it.

I simply couldn't think myself out of my own alcoholism. If I could, I wouldn't even be here on SR or asking about AA, etc... I wouldn't even be an alcoholic.

Ten0fnine

Nice.
I'm getting closer.

tsmba

In my case, endlessly analyzing the program "trying to understand it" only took me further away. Until I learned the hard lesson that my best efforts and thinking did nothing but take me into the downward spiral, I got nowhere. Its tough to accept that we cannot trust our own thinking. Little by little, though, as I tried and did things simply because others suggested I do so, I began to notice improvement. Much of this stuff I cannot adequately explain, I simply do it because it works!

Kjell

...and that, in my experience, is a beautiful thing. Maybe AA isn't for you, but you are in a lot of pain from your posts. You're asking the right questions and what's important is that you're asking, my friend.

We alcoholics are a funny bunch. We can have a direct solution laid out at our feet, proven to work, free of charge, and open to everyone, but we balk at the idea of giving in and getting well.

Kjell

That's some good shyte right there.

NoAlcoholToday

Hey Ten

I too am struggling a bit with the principle of AA atm. Actually I haven't even really looked into it that deeply just yet - it has more to do with the way that _some_ people are pushing it so hard as the only option and that, without it, we are bound to be doomed. I feel a bit like the Jehovas witnesses are knocking on my door!

However, I did read the letting go sticky in the spirituality forum today

I think its a bit like we are fighting the urge to use alcohol so hard that we dont see that it is really a mirror in front of us that we are fighting. Once we put our weapons away, our "alcohol reflection" does too and we can just walk right on past that mirror.

Just a maybe?

LaFemme

Hi Ten! Just found this thread and wanted to welcome you to SR...it sounds like you are doing well, despite how hard it is.

I am not married, so had no spouse to deal with my recovery, however, from my friends experiences with major life issues (I think alcoholism qualifies...lol) I have seen that professional couples therapy can be a big assistance. When you remove the dynamic of alcohol from your life, it's going to change you and it's probably going to change your relationship with your spouse. An outside therapist can help with this.

Of course I'm a big fan of counseling and therapy, I find professional help to be a terrific aid to dealing with large hurdles in life, regardless of what they may be. I do not use AA for what it's worth.

julez

Ten, today is my one week anniversary of being in the AA program. I dissected it, researched it, beat it to death before I just jumped in and DID it. That process took me 3 months. I don't want to offer you why it will or will not work for you. I won't sit here and pretend that everyones recovery is the same, because it isn't. Theres one thing I can PROMISE you though. And I NEVER promise...,
People in the meetings will be welcoming and kind to you. They are interested in you. They will go out of their way to make you feel at home.
If you try it, you have nothing to lose.

Ten0fnine

I talked to a friend who's been sober for a few years. I'm going to tag along with him to an "open" meeting Thursday. He is going to a "closed" one immediately after. I'm still not sure I get the difference, but he'll explain it more tomorrow.

He told me not to talk- just sit and listen. And I will.

Anxiety? 10/10. Sheesh.

artsoul

You're doing good, Ten. Remember you don't have to figure it all out today - you just have to stay sober.

I found that things changed for me constantly (mood/energy) the first few weeks. Just hang on - it won't be like a roller-coaster forever.

Give yourself some time/space to recover. You'll get there!!

Kjell

Good stuff! Just relax and take it easy. It's a room full of poeple, just like you, with the same problem of alcoholism.

...and think about what you're doing - taking direction from someone with years of sobriety. Well done...well done.

Let us know how it goes.

least

A 'closed' meeting is just for alcoholics, an 'open' meeting is for anyone with an interest. If you can identify yourself as an alcoholic, you are able to go to a 'closed' meeting... along with all the other alkies.

DayTrader

Don't know what's happening, don't know what or necessarily why you're doing it (ie. going to a meeting), and don't feel good about doing ANY of it...........but you're doing it anyway!

Welcome to the bizarre-o world of AA. Most of what you do initially won't necessarily "feel" good....at first. Sometimes, it's like going to the Doctor's office to get a shot. The shot doesn't necessarily "feel good" but it's a necessary thing to get the medicine your body needs.......which makes you feel good. Working the steps, making decisions (aka - choosing a course of action), writing inventories, asking for help, recognizing powerlessness, "practicing" surrender, putting another's needs before your own.....none of that stuff "felt good" to me at first. Heck, it doesn't always "feel good" now.......but that's the medicine my heart (or soul) needs.

Getting out of self is a horrible thing for a selfish / self-centered person like me. And admitting that is ok.....so long as I continue to take the actions that a non-selfish and a non-selfcentered person would take. I do that - I keep taking those "right" actions......just like you getting to that meeting.....and we're both stepping in the direction opposite of the one that used to seem to feel good at first but led to more pain than most can comprehend.

--If my best judgement, my self-reliance, doing most of what I thought "made sense" landed me in the mess I was in.........then going the other way and not doing the stuff that "feels good" might just be the answer.

Good job Ten..... Whether you like the meeting or not.....get something out of it or not......I think you'll find that the physical action of changing things up / trying a different direction might just be what the doctor ordered.