What's next?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I went to AA a lot early in recovery, but don't go much now, except to my home group meeting which I like a lot. I also didn't do/haven't done "the steps" as laid out in AA... tho my alcohol counselor brings up the point that I HAVE done them in a psychological way, as I'm working on my 'self' every day of my life. And aside from my infrequent home group meetings I'm staying sober with the help and support of my counselor and this site.
I understand completely the question about 'being powerless', and agree with Suki's understanding of it.
That's how I feel exactly. At first I was staying sober just by being stubborn, like a little kid refusing to do something...
But as my sober time increased I thought about drinking less and less and now my only thoughts about drinking are just happiness that I'm no longer doing it!
If counseling is available to you, addiction counseling especially, that might be a good start to learning how to stay sober. My counselor is a treasure and helpful in all aspects of my life, not just sobriety.
And altho AA is and has been of great help to so many people all over the world, it's not the only way to stay sober.
Early sobriety is very emotionally up and down. Give yourself time to settle down. Moderate exercise, like walking, is good, as is drinking enough fluids and eating good 'easy' food.
You can do this!! (((hugs)))
I understand completely the question about 'being powerless', and agree with Suki's understanding of it.
we are powerless over alcohol once we take that first drink
But as my sober time increased I thought about drinking less and less and now my only thoughts about drinking are just happiness that I'm no longer doing it!If counseling is available to you, addiction counseling especially, that might be a good start to learning how to stay sober. My counselor is a treasure and helpful in all aspects of my life, not just sobriety.
And altho AA is and has been of great help to so many people all over the world, it's not the only way to stay sober.
Early sobriety is very emotionally up and down. Give yourself time to settle down. Moderate exercise, like walking, is good, as is drinking enough fluids and eating good 'easy' food.
You can do this!! (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I think this topic is stupendous. There's got to be so many people that feel the same things.
Without getting into all the ins and outs of how you feel about the specifics of the Steps, I just think it might be interesting if you went to one. If you think you are going to be less than anonymous, then you could go to one that is an hour away.
But what Carol mentioned about trying to be patient with yourself sounds important to me too. It's true that you have only just begun with this change. There's a physical adaptation that comes with it and that can cause people to question every move they make and every thought in their head. We're not all identical. That's one of the reasons you will hear the advice to make sure you are in front of a doctor.
What I want to focus on (when it comes to the patience idea) is that you can give yourself a chance to focus on Doing What You Can. This will help you to build on your hope. I think I can pick up on your fears but in my view you have more hope than comes out in your words, because you can do something and already are doing something. You might end up at a meeting soon; but start with the current day.
I didn't know what was going to happen to me after I stopped, and I actually waited several days - maybe more than a month - before getting rid of a slew of empties, which meant making a trip to the beer store (actually two of them - ahem). I couldn't get over the strength I had to go in there and say "No thanks" to the question about buying any more and turning around and leaving. That confirmed for me that I was on to something. I was NOT dreaming that I had quit weeks ago. The fridge really did NOT have beer bottles in it and I really was NOT drinking. And kept going.
You need to build confidence and part of that will be to recognize what you are doing right along the way. You should look upon paying yourself some credit as a responsibility. Take a little handholding from here and let yourself do what you can; then ADMIRE it. But you don't have to try to fit a tractor trailer into the eye of a needle ("do I fit in with all this AA stuff?"). Take inches, not miles. And keep alcohol out of your body and let one day stack on top of the other.
Without getting into all the ins and outs of how you feel about the specifics of the Steps, I just think it might be interesting if you went to one. If you think you are going to be less than anonymous, then you could go to one that is an hour away.
But what Carol mentioned about trying to be patient with yourself sounds important to me too. It's true that you have only just begun with this change. There's a physical adaptation that comes with it and that can cause people to question every move they make and every thought in their head. We're not all identical. That's one of the reasons you will hear the advice to make sure you are in front of a doctor.
What I want to focus on (when it comes to the patience idea) is that you can give yourself a chance to focus on Doing What You Can. This will help you to build on your hope. I think I can pick up on your fears but in my view you have more hope than comes out in your words, because you can do something and already are doing something. You might end up at a meeting soon; but start with the current day.
I didn't know what was going to happen to me after I stopped, and I actually waited several days - maybe more than a month - before getting rid of a slew of empties, which meant making a trip to the beer store (actually two of them - ahem). I couldn't get over the strength I had to go in there and say "No thanks" to the question about buying any more and turning around and leaving. That confirmed for me that I was on to something. I was NOT dreaming that I had quit weeks ago. The fridge really did NOT have beer bottles in it and I really was NOT drinking. And kept going.
You need to build confidence and part of that will be to recognize what you are doing right along the way. You should look upon paying yourself some credit as a responsibility. Take a little handholding from here and let yourself do what you can; then ADMIRE it. But you don't have to try to fit a tractor trailer into the eye of a needle ("do I fit in with all this AA stuff?"). Take inches, not miles. And keep alcohol out of your body and let one day stack on top of the other.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
Originally Posted by Ten0fnine 
I'm really struggling with the "12-steps". Many of them... don't seem to "fit" for me. In fact... almost all of them I struggle to relate to.
I keep reading that recovery is more than just stopping, but nothing else of which I've read has... called out to me. There is no emotional attachment, or, desire to take another step further than simply "not drinking anymore".
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Recovery is what you make of it.
In order for me to stay sober I had to get treatment for depression. This has changed a lot of aspects of my life. I have to stay sober or treatment won't work. I had to change my thinking and ways of coping with life. It's an adjustment, it doesn't come easily, and it takes a while. I now do things to improve my life...I make small changes and these changes add up in a big way. For the first time in my life I'm actually saving money. Right now I have a better job (as long as they'll let me stay). I have a cat (that was a biggie for me...I've wanted a pet for a long time). I change what I can to make my situation better.
Some folks already have all the chips in place and the only thing they need to do is stop drinking. It's still essential to have your supports in place and to use those supports, whatever those supports may be. That seems simple, but it’s still recovery.
Some people do groups, some do therapy, and there's always boards like SR.
In order for me to stay sober I had to get treatment for depression. This has changed a lot of aspects of my life. I have to stay sober or treatment won't work. I had to change my thinking and ways of coping with life. It's an adjustment, it doesn't come easily, and it takes a while. I now do things to improve my life...I make small changes and these changes add up in a big way. For the first time in my life I'm actually saving money. Right now I have a better job (as long as they'll let me stay). I have a cat (that was a biggie for me...I've wanted a pet for a long time). I change what I can to make my situation better.
Some folks already have all the chips in place and the only thing they need to do is stop drinking. It's still essential to have your supports in place and to use those supports, whatever those supports may be. That seems simple, but it’s still recovery.
Some people do groups, some do therapy, and there's always boards like SR.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,383
Hi Ten
I'm not in AA and I'm in recovery so yes LOL it is possible to recover without going to AA.
Here are a few links to get you started on what else is out there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I will say tho - I see a lot of folks come in here, really really desperate, really beaten down...and then they'll say, 'nah I just don't think AA's for me'.
I think we owe it to ourselves to do more than think Ten - you're fighting for your life here - this disease destroys lives and it kills.
Don't knock out any lifelines, y'know?
No matter who you are or what you believe, it's always in our own best interests to keep an open mind
D
I'm not in AA and I'm in recovery so yes LOL it is possible to recover without going to AA.
Here are a few links to get you started on what else is out there
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
I will say tho - I see a lot of folks come in here, really really desperate, really beaten down...and then they'll say, 'nah I just don't think AA's for me'.
I think we owe it to ourselves to do more than think Ten - you're fighting for your life here - this disease destroys lives and it kills.
Don't knock out any lifelines, y'know?
No matter who you are or what you believe, it's always in our own best interests to keep an open mind
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 27
I'm of the mindset it doesn't matter how you do it as long as it gets done. To AA not to AA, what to believe what not to believe, who cares? Do whatever it takes to stay sober, the longer you stay sober the easier it gets and you'll find you won't be obsessing about it all the time. Then you've got a life free of alcohol and the problems it caused you and those close to you. You get to move on likely in time with new insights about yourself and your life. What life becomes after you stop drinking though is up to you. It doesn't matter because in time you'll realize it's better without alcoholism than with. It can be difficult but regardless of circumstances it's worth the effort.
Recovering alcoholics are just like anyone else on an internet forum. We'll argue up and down about our point of view, jump on statements we don't like, etc. But at least here regardless of the BS everyone supports everyone else in getting through their addiction.
So what's next? What do you want to be next? It's your life.
Recovering alcoholics are just like anyone else on an internet forum. We'll argue up and down about our point of view, jump on statements we don't like, etc. But at least here regardless of the BS everyone supports everyone else in getting through their addiction.
So what's next? What do you want to be next? It's your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
I'm almost 48 hours without a drink, and I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm trying to keep myself busy.
Our dishwasher hasn't drained properly in a couple weeks, so I decided it was a good project to occupy my time. 6 hours later...
I can't think straight. I literally can't see straight. I'm drenched in sweat. I'm jittery and totally off my game. I lost tools that were sitting right in front of me. No matter how hard I fought it, my wife noticed me shaking while trying to insert the last few screws.
She started to cry a little bit. I snapped at her. I told her if she didn't like to see it then maybe she should stay out of my way.
Then I started to cry.
I can't wait for this all to be a distant memory. I'm pretty unhappy at the moment. The dishwasher can wait until tomorrow. The wife couldn't. What's next? Another wound to mend.
Pretty flipping unhappy.
Our dishwasher hasn't drained properly in a couple weeks, so I decided it was a good project to occupy my time. 6 hours later...
I can't think straight. I literally can't see straight. I'm drenched in sweat. I'm jittery and totally off my game. I lost tools that were sitting right in front of me. No matter how hard I fought it, my wife noticed me shaking while trying to insert the last few screws.
She started to cry a little bit. I snapped at her. I told her if she didn't like to see it then maybe she should stay out of my way.
Then I started to cry.
I can't wait for this all to be a distant memory. I'm pretty unhappy at the moment. The dishwasher can wait until tomorrow. The wife couldn't. What's next? Another wound to mend.
Pretty flipping unhappy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Hang in there Ten, you are at the beginning. Just try to remember how much you are not liking stopping this first time. If you find yourself with a craving in a few weeks, think back to these first couple days and how you don't want to go through it again.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Ten - You're still going through the withdrawal period, so keep things simple. I was easily overwhelmed in early sobriety (and being anxious/irritable is part of it - it won't last). The first days are long and tedious and your mind/body has to recover.
Some people say that exercise helped them, or staying busy. I found it much more workable to try to stay stress-free - I stayed in bed on the laptop the first couple days and treated it like getting over the flu.
Remember to do the Vitamin B, water, etc...... that helps, too.
It really does get better. Hang onto the thought that tomorrow you get to wake up without a hangover, feeling better than you do now. Hang in there - we're behind you!!
Some people say that exercise helped them, or staying busy. I found it much more workable to try to stay stress-free - I stayed in bed on the laptop the first couple days and treated it like getting over the flu.
Remember to do the Vitamin B, water, etc...... that helps, too.
It really does get better. Hang onto the thought that tomorrow you get to wake up without a hangover, feeling better than you do now. Hang in there - we're behind you!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
That awful irritable feeling will pass, but please do get medical attention if you feel the least bit 'bad' or like really sick-feeling. Be safe. This feeling will pass and you'll gradually settle down and start feeling more human. Be good to yourself. And big hugs and congrats on your two days sober! The worst of it is almost over.
Be good to yourself. And big hugs and congrats on your two days sober! The worst of it is almost over. New to Real Life
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: I come in Peaces
Posts: 2,071
The irritability etc is very bad in the detox phase. It'll pass though. Try to exercise a bit, eat well, SLEEP.
Don't stress about AA. Lots of people recover without it. I'd be shocked if it ever 'spoke' to me the way it does to some other people. We're all on different paths and mine lead me away from AA a long time ago. I'm very happy and comfortable in my recovery. Feeling stronger every day.
Hope you're feeling better this morning!
Don't stress about AA. Lots of people recover without it. I'd be shocked if it ever 'spoke' to me the way it does to some other people. We're all on different paths and mine lead me away from AA a long time ago. I'm very happy and comfortable in my recovery. Feeling stronger every day.
Hope you're feeling better this morning!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Good morning.
Day three has presented itself. It's going to be rough. I'm going to find many excuses to drink today. I'm going to drive by many places where I would drink. Most of all, I'm going to be on my own for the most part today. I'm going to be responsible for what I do, or not do.
I couldn't sleep much last night. My anxiety is off the chart. Of course, I think I'm perpetuating it a bit by... almost purposely worrying about staying sober today.
When I leave work, is when I usually start drinking. Today when I leave, I'm going to call my cousin and he's going to talk to me the entire way home. I think it will be easier for me to avoid temptation if I'm talking to someone who knows what I'm going through.
I'll let you all know later how it worked out. Thank you all very much for your continued support and encouragement.
Day three has presented itself. It's going to be rough. I'm going to find many excuses to drink today. I'm going to drive by many places where I would drink. Most of all, I'm going to be on my own for the most part today. I'm going to be responsible for what I do, or not do.
I couldn't sleep much last night. My anxiety is off the chart. Of course, I think I'm perpetuating it a bit by... almost purposely worrying about staying sober today.
When I leave work, is when I usually start drinking. Today when I leave, I'm going to call my cousin and he's going to talk to me the entire way home. I think it will be easier for me to avoid temptation if I'm talking to someone who knows what I'm going through.
I'll let you all know later how it worked out. Thank you all very much for your continued support and encouragement.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I'm going to call my cousin and he's going to talk to me the entire way home.
I hope you have a hand-free cell thingy for your car, even so, it's distracting to talk while driving. Please be safe.
I will keep you in my good thoughts and prayers for staying sober and positive today. I'm pulling for ya! You CAN do this. You're on day three and the worst of the w/d is nearly over, I'm pretty sure. Just remember to drink lots of fluids, good easy food, multi vitamins and/or B vits, and moderate exercise will be good for you. Hang in there, the worst part is nearly over.
Don't let the addict voice tell you lies. You CAN get thru today sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Day 3 came and went with little fanfare. Didn't drink. Didn't obsess about stopping on the way home. Did homework with my daughter. Snuggled next to the wife on the sofa and watched some football. Went to bed early. Finally got a decent night's sleep.
I actually... feel better today.
One thing is starting to... bother me a bit however. My wife keeps asking questions. "Does this make you want to drink?" "Does that make you want to drink?" "If you went to (insert place) would you want to drink?" "Do you think the holidays will make you want to drink?" Quite honestly, honey, if you keep reminding me that I want to drink, then EVERYTHING will make me want to drink- including you at this very moment.
I snipped at her a bit last night, after about an hour of this. I guess I'm still a bit irritable. I tried to explain that I always want to drink. She... doesn't get it. I really don't expect her to, I guess. I explained that I'm walking a fine line right now, and questions like that remind me of what I have done, and I'm low enough already- I don't need the reminder.
I know the recommendation will "Have her go to an AlAnon meeting". That will come in time perhaps. For right now, I just wanted to share that, and wondered if anyone else has found effective ways of dealing with... questions.
Day 4 is underway. Cheers all.
I actually... feel better today.
One thing is starting to... bother me a bit however. My wife keeps asking questions. "Does this make you want to drink?" "Does that make you want to drink?" "If you went to (insert place) would you want to drink?" "Do you think the holidays will make you want to drink?" Quite honestly, honey, if you keep reminding me that I want to drink, then EVERYTHING will make me want to drink- including you at this very moment.
I snipped at her a bit last night, after about an hour of this. I guess I'm still a bit irritable. I tried to explain that I always want to drink. She... doesn't get it. I really don't expect her to, I guess. I explained that I'm walking a fine line right now, and questions like that remind me of what I have done, and I'm low enough already- I don't need the reminder.
I know the recommendation will "Have her go to an AlAnon meeting". That will come in time perhaps. For right now, I just wanted to share that, and wondered if anyone else has found effective ways of dealing with... questions.
Day 4 is underway. Cheers all.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Thanks, Suki.. I was going to type exactly what you did about powerlessness. I struggled too with that, until I wrapped my head around the concept to mean once I take the first drink.. THAT sure did fit.
I haven't used AA in my recovery, so yes, entirely possible. It's just one of many programs or 'ways' out there.
Personally, I found a lot of help with one on one counseling with a psychologist who specialized in addiction issues. I saw him twice a week for almost 6 months, and to my surprise very little of our 'work' had to do with drinking. Putting down the drinks was a tiny part of my overall recovery. Not that I had to really work out the whys or the 'I had a ****** childhood so I drank' stuff, more of it was working on how I was going to live the rest of my life sober. What tools did I need to learn that I was using alcohol for.. (how to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, happiness, boredom etc..)? That's where my work came in, creating a new life plan, and changing my entire life. Nope, not easy.. but worth it, and I quickly learned that I sucked as my own treatment provider, I needed help! And it sure paid off.
As to the wife thing.. In my own experience, my husband does not, can not, and never will understand my issues with alcohol. I have kindly asked him to step out of my recovery, as it's honestly not his business.. he just gets to reap the rewards. I think if you're working on your recovery be it with meetings, counseling, rehab, whatever.. that stays as your own personal journey. Maybe kindly ask her to back off, and let you do this (but DO something!) on your own. Don't expect her to get it, she wont.. and doesn't have to for your success.
I haven't used AA in my recovery, so yes, entirely possible. It's just one of many programs or 'ways' out there.
Personally, I found a lot of help with one on one counseling with a psychologist who specialized in addiction issues. I saw him twice a week for almost 6 months, and to my surprise very little of our 'work' had to do with drinking. Putting down the drinks was a tiny part of my overall recovery. Not that I had to really work out the whys or the 'I had a ****** childhood so I drank' stuff, more of it was working on how I was going to live the rest of my life sober. What tools did I need to learn that I was using alcohol for.. (how to deal with stress, anxiety, sadness, happiness, boredom etc..)? That's where my work came in, creating a new life plan, and changing my entire life. Nope, not easy.. but worth it, and I quickly learned that I sucked as my own treatment provider, I needed help! And it sure paid off.
As to the wife thing.. In my own experience, my husband does not, can not, and never will understand my issues with alcohol. I have kindly asked him to step out of my recovery, as it's honestly not his business.. he just gets to reap the rewards. I think if you're working on your recovery be it with meetings, counseling, rehab, whatever.. that stays as your own personal journey. Maybe kindly ask her to back off, and let you do this (but DO something!) on your own. Don't expect her to get it, she wont.. and doesn't have to for your success.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Lost
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by flutter
I have kindly asked him to step out of my recovery, as it's honestly not his business..
Because I did.
Except it wasn't a woman, it was a bottle. And it was every chance I had.
And why would I want to push her out of something that most certainly effects her? I pushed her away enough while drinking...
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