Ten0fnine

I just want everyone to know that I'm really listening to what you're saying. I'm reading, and absorbing every word.

Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Kjell

Hey Ten - Please respond back and let us know how the meeting went.

Thanks!
Kjell

Ten0fnine

Well, Kjell, I was kinda hoping to avoid that.

I live in a small town (Pop. 2200). I SHOULD have known better than to go to a local meeting, but I wasn't thinking.

It's held in the Methodist church. I walk in with my friend, and the signs pointing our way were a bit confusing, so we kinda got turned around in the administrative area. MUCH to my dismay, I ran face-first into one of my HR people from work, who lives a few miles from me. She moonlights for the church in the evenings.

"Oh, hi! Imagine seeing YOU in a church! What on Earth are you doing here?"

My friend replies, without hesitation... "We're looking for the AA meeting room...?"

She replies... "Oh. OH!~" (eyes me up and down) "I see." She points us down the hallway in the right direction.

Mortified does not even remotely describe the feeling, and I haven't wanted a drink so badly in a week. The thought of running into her at work, or God forbid, having to actually SEE her for something is causing me great anxiety.

Open enrollment is next week... *shudder.

So, yeah, I really didn't pay much attention to the meeting. Nice enough people- I just literally don't remember a thing about it. =( When I can suck up the courage to give this another try, I'll have to find a meeting in the next bigger town.

I'm smelling a cancellation of my FMLA in the future...

Not happy. Not drinking- but not happy. Just typing this out is making me queasy.

Mark75

You may be reading too much into her reaction... At least she didn't say something like... "Well it's about time!!"... yah know? ....And if she asks about it... you were there to support your friend...

suki44883

Mark, get out of my head!! That is exactly what I was going to write!

Ten0fnine

Well, the only reason we went to THAT meeting was because my buddy wanted me to attend one, (and get to know the people), that was close to my home- therefore making it more likely I would return.

Also, he said that because he wasn't familiar with this specific one, then we would both be a bit uncomfortable, and not just me.

I knew she worked there- she'd talked to me about where we live before... I really just wasn't thinking. Part of me, I guess, assumed that "working for the church" was a "on Sundays" type thing. (Naive, I know- I've been in maybe four churches my entire life, and those were 3 weddings and a funeral)

*shudder

Boleo

Abstinent and recovering. These two words appear to have the same meaning but they differ substantially when looked at over a long period of time. Abstinence may measure the same as recovery in a urine sample or blood test but the intention, expectations and the long-term durability of the two paths to “legally defined sobriety” are qualitatively quit different.
The abstinent addict is looking for a quick-fix for their problem where the person living in recovery seeks, desires and expects to find a new way of living without the need for any substances (crutches) in their lives. Abstinence may cure back problems (getting your license back, job back, family back) but it does not address the underlying causes of needing a mind-altering substance in the first place. A person seeking true recovery recognizes the truth about themselves, that is, that there was some kind of problem that existed prior to seeking out drugs or alcohol initially.
For the person who was uncomfortable in their own skin to start with, not drinking or drugging does not treat their bigger malady (anxiety, frustration, guilt or despair). The individual who is merely abstinent must go on to face these obstacles long after obtaining their short term goals or getting their stuff back. In short, abstinence is not drinking and feeling bad about it. Recovery is not drinking and felling good about it.
There are a series of “simple to grasp” slogans used within recovery groups designed to get the newcomer through the next day/week/month or whatever short-term goal that particular program has. In all fairness to any counselor/teacher/sponsor these psychological tricks and tips are essential in the first few months of any kind of recovery and there is no practical way around them. The danger for the person in recovery comes when they continue to rely on these “band-aids” permanently and fail to heal the wound.
The limitations and weaknesses of abstinence typically do not show up until sometime later-on in the recovery process, when the now sober mind starts to realize that only a few things get better while most “life challenges” go on. They begin to recognize that most of the slogans they heard were simply not true or were gross exaggerations. One such slogan is; “just don’t drink, go to meetings and life will get better”. Your parole officer might think your life is better but he is looking at the situation from the perspective of a baby-sitter who is responsible for cleaning up your mess. The reality is that if you can’t sleep at night because of worries and fears, your life may in fact get worse and the 4 horseman of the Apocalypse may even move in with you. Peace of mind is a precious commodity to the soul living a sober life. Drugs and alcohol may have been a “rock” comfort-wise, but life without them may prove to be the “hard place” for the person who was caught in the middle and must now choose one side or the other. Now where does he or she find refuge?
A person taught to say the serenity prayer in his or her treatment program is in a better position than someone not familiar with the importance of peace of mind. Serenity is the deluxe edition of sobriety, which includes peace of mind, acceptance and a starting point for meditation. Without serenity, sobriety may not be worth having. True sobriety rides on the coat-tails of serenity. The next time you can’t sleep at night try asking yourself if sobriety is of any help in this particular situation.
Where humility has teaching power, serenity has healing power. That is the power to instill peace of mind. Just because someone was powerless over their drinking or drugging does not mean they have to be powerless over their recovery.

tmbg

Wowza, boleo. What an excellent message for the struggling.

Kjell

Of course I wasn't there and of course I don't work at your place of employement, but try not to overthink things.

You went to an AA meeting. So what? You saw someone there you know, while walking in. So what? Don't you think it's possible she's not even thinking about it? We're not nearly as important or thought of as we think we are.

I'm familiar with FMLA and insurance and all that and just b/c she saw you there (or even if you shouted it from the top of your lungs), you don't disqualify, but you already know this.

Well, if you feel like talking about the meeting or your thoughts on it, just post away. Great job on going.

Kjell

Boleo - post that again and again and again in any post you'd like my friend.

You hit that out of the park! I might just have to hold onto that and re-read it.

Sudz No More

So what Ten? You're not the first and you won't be the last. It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of. It seems so many people have some kind of bad habit and this was just yours. Now it is no longer. Your friend had it right when he answered right away, he has nothing to hide and neither should you.

When you see the HR person again, hold your head high, smile and give your best hello. Like you are on top of the world because you've go it under control. Do they have whatever their IT is under control?

flutter

I'd rather be seen doing something that could potentially save my life, than all the times I was probably seen doing something stupid while drunk! I'm proud of my recovery, I'm sure you'll feel the same too, in time

Good for you tho.. it's terrifying, at first. All of it.