I cannot say it to my husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
I cannot say it to my husband
I cannot get myself to tell my husband that I have a problem with alcohol, I am an alcoholic, or whatever it is. i have all kind of internal dialogues in my head finding ways and words, but it never comes out.
First of all, I think he would not believe me - We work together, we spend lots of time together and he would think I am in drama queen mode. And second, I am too ashamed of doing this but I know I must....
So far it has been easy to say I was not having a drink. He has seen me many times not having one. But on Monday my kids will be with their grandmother for a week and feels so difficult to say no to a drink with him without a very powerful excuse. I am sure he is expecting a bit of excess in hour childless week.
In my case, my alcoholism has not got worse with the years. I was in a much worse place 10 years ago when I also became alcohol dependent and had clear physical symptoms. Living with my husband, pregnancies, kids has kept me under certain level of control. But it is a lie. i have hidden alcohol, I have drunk as much as I could when I was left alone in trips. I have also drunk huge amounts when alone with kids at home
. I have vomitted trying to sober up full of shame in these occassions.
I do not know how to tell him all this. I guess it feels so wrong to tell him that I was lying to him all along. To confess I already knew when I met him but I hid it.
Needed to write this again.
First of all, I think he would not believe me - We work together, we spend lots of time together and he would think I am in drama queen mode. And second, I am too ashamed of doing this but I know I must....
So far it has been easy to say I was not having a drink. He has seen me many times not having one. But on Monday my kids will be with their grandmother for a week and feels so difficult to say no to a drink with him without a very powerful excuse. I am sure he is expecting a bit of excess in hour childless week.
In my case, my alcoholism has not got worse with the years. I was in a much worse place 10 years ago when I also became alcohol dependent and had clear physical symptoms. Living with my husband, pregnancies, kids has kept me under certain level of control. But it is a lie. i have hidden alcohol, I have drunk as much as I could when I was left alone in trips. I have also drunk huge amounts when alone with kids at home
. I have vomitted trying to sober up full of shame in these occassions. I do not know how to tell him all this. I guess it feels so wrong to tell him that I was lying to him all along. To confess I already knew when I met him but I hid it.
Needed to write this again.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
why do you have to address it all at once with such severity? The way you wrote it sounded like you were slugging a half a gallon of vodka and barfing in the laundry basket to sober up before your kids caught you.
it sounds like you know what you're in for when your kids are away. if i were you, i'd just tell him the last time you got hammered, it sucked and you don't feel like drinking anymore. "NORMAL" people would accept it as just another choice like one to go on a diet or a health kick.
if he's a drinker, i would then tell him you feel like it's taking a toll on your body and you need a rest from it. here again, that's "normal people" thinking.
what i wouldn't do is announce to your husband what you just wrote unless you want a big mess in your lap. if you aren't going through any detox symptoms, just make the choice not to drink and get some support through AA. my uncle went through almost his entire married life going to AA with his wife never knowing. he told her exactly what i said to you to her. just that he felt bad when he drank so he decided to stay away from it to be healthier.
it sounds like you're in too fragile a mental state to spring this on your husband unless you know he'll support you 100%. maybe he will, maybe not. Still, it dosen't have to be this huge elephant in the room if you play it cool.
stick with the people here as much as you can. we're here to help you any way we can.
good luck, and God bless.
it sounds like you know what you're in for when your kids are away. if i were you, i'd just tell him the last time you got hammered, it sucked and you don't feel like drinking anymore. "NORMAL" people would accept it as just another choice like one to go on a diet or a health kick.
if he's a drinker, i would then tell him you feel like it's taking a toll on your body and you need a rest from it. here again, that's "normal people" thinking.
what i wouldn't do is announce to your husband what you just wrote unless you want a big mess in your lap. if you aren't going through any detox symptoms, just make the choice not to drink and get some support through AA. my uncle went through almost his entire married life going to AA with his wife never knowing. he told her exactly what i said to you to her. just that he felt bad when he drank so he decided to stay away from it to be healthier.
it sounds like you're in too fragile a mental state to spring this on your husband unless you know he'll support you 100%. maybe he will, maybe not. Still, it dosen't have to be this huge elephant in the room if you play it cool.
stick with the people here as much as you can. we're here to help you any way we can.
good luck, and God bless.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Ya know what, you don't have to tell him. At least not now.. It's not his burden to carry, and it's your personal journey to travel. I haven't told people in my life the gory details of my years of drug and alcohol issues, but I have told key folks that I had an issue that I didn't like in my life, and did something about it. Those heart heavy discussions work better when told to a therapist, sponsor, etc.., in my opinion. How I live my life now, drug and alcohol free, shows the people I love that I take care of myself, regardless of the demons I used to drown. The rest is worked out with my counselor.
I'm sure he *knows* something has been wrong..but maybe not. If anything else, you can just explain (which is totally honest) that you quit drinking, because you were worried you were enjoying it too much at times and you want to live healthier.
I'm sure he *knows* something has been wrong..but maybe not. If anything else, you can just explain (which is totally honest) that you quit drinking, because you were worried you were enjoying it too much at times and you want to live healthier.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
Bulldog and smacked... Thanks a million. It really helps and it has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. I have told him that I was quitting because I was worried about how much I craved some wine in the nights and it was becoming difficult for me to not drink several nights a week. We have not spoken about alcohol anymore. In the WE he has asked me if I wanted wine with dinner. i have said no and he has not opened the bottle at all. If I do not drink, he does not either, although he enjoys drinking with me a lot.
Bulldog you really made me laugh with this: 'The way you wrote it sounded like you were slugging a half a gallon of vodka and barfing in the laundry basket to sober up before your kids caught you'
Wow... I should have written this message earlier.
Bulldog you really made me laugh with this: 'The way you wrote it sounded like you were slugging a half a gallon of vodka and barfing in the laundry basket to sober up before your kids caught you'
Wow... I should have written this message earlier.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
So Wilde10, let's assume you don't or shouldn't have to tell your hubby about your drinking. Let's assume he doesn't know........but maybe he does, who knows?? Question: How's living a lie working for you? Having fun dealing with the guilt?? Guilt's a funny thing ya know? Either I do something to deal with it or I have to learn to live with it. What's it going to be?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Music 
So Wilde10, let's assume you don't or shouldn't have to tell your hubby about your drinking. Let's assume he doesn't know........but maybe he does, who knows?? Question: How's living a lie working for you? Having fun dealing with the guilt?? Guilt's a funny thing ya know? Either I do something to deal with it or I have to learn to live with it. What's it going to be?
AA is an anonymous program, and as such, those who she decides to include or NOT include in her recovery is HER buisness as long as she's getting well.
that was a cheap shot music. GEEZ......
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hmmm. I don't see the lie. I don't see the guilt. We are free to call ourselves alcoholic or not. The choice is ours alone. Anonymity is a right that we can freely enjoy without dire consequences.
Robby
Robby
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 73
Well maybe her husband can be supportive of her and help her along the way. My husband who was unsupportive has come along way with dealing with my alcholism and without him I don't think I would be here today. In a way it is a double edged sword are you afraid of telling him because he will be mad or is it that if you choose to drink you still can because he doesn't know about your problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: London
Posts: 266
I guess I am not that worried about 'the secret' as I am about the impact in my recovery. I have other secrets kept away from my husband. I have not told every detail of my former relationships for instance, among other things. I am not sure I can live with lies, but I can live with secrets.
The difference is that those secrets will probably serve no purpose if disclosed while I am terrified that not telling him means allowing myself to get back to drinking. However, this is NOT my intention at all. All the contrary, my biggest motivation to tell him is to get him to 'help' in this. I think that if I have been able to 'control' my drinking due to his presence, if I am so good when I am monitored, probably telling him will mean I will never ever try to drink again, at least not around him. And that counts for 90 percent of my time.
It is visualising me saying it to him, the shame, the remorse, the lies that paralises me. And I know it is difficult to believe, but he will have a real tough time believing me!
The difference is that those secrets will probably serve no purpose if disclosed while I am terrified that not telling him means allowing myself to get back to drinking. However, this is NOT my intention at all. All the contrary, my biggest motivation to tell him is to get him to 'help' in this. I think that if I have been able to 'control' my drinking due to his presence, if I am so good when I am monitored, probably telling him will mean I will never ever try to drink again, at least not around him. And that counts for 90 percent of my time.
It is visualising me saying it to him, the shame, the remorse, the lies that paralises me. And I know it is difficult to believe, but he will have a real tough time believing me!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Let's not drift into side issues please.
Specifically how AA addresses the issue of anonymity
is not going to add to this discussion IMO
Thanks Everyone....
Specifically how AA addresses the issue of anonymity
is not going to add to this discussion IMO
Thanks Everyone....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Wilde10
I guess I am not that worried about 'the secret' as I am about the impact in my recovery. I have other secrets kept away from my husband. I have not told every detail of my former relationships for instance, among other things. I am not sure I can live with lies, but I can live with secrets.
The difference is that those secrets will probably serve no purpose if disclosed while I am terrified that not telling him means allowing myself to get back to drinking. However, this is NOT my intention at all. All the contrary, my biggest motivation to tell him is to get him to 'help' in this. I think that if I have been able to 'control' my drinking due to his presence, if I am so good when I am monitored, probably telling him will mean I will never ever try to drink again, at least not around him. And that counts for 90 percent of my time.
It is visualising me saying it to him, the shame, the remorse, the lies that paralises me. And I know it is difficult to believe, but he will have a real tough time believing me!
The difference is that those secrets will probably serve no purpose if disclosed while I am terrified that not telling him means allowing myself to get back to drinking. However, this is NOT my intention at all. All the contrary, my biggest motivation to tell him is to get him to 'help' in this. I think that if I have been able to 'control' my drinking due to his presence, if I am so good when I am monitored, probably telling him will mean I will never ever try to drink again, at least not around him. And that counts for 90 percent of my time.
It is visualising me saying it to him, the shame, the remorse, the lies that paralises me. And I know it is difficult to believe, but he will have a real tough time believing me!
Originally Posted by Wilde10
Bulldog and smacked... Thanks a million. It really helps and it has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. I have told him that I was quitting because I was worried about how much I craved some wine in the nights and it was becoming difficult for me to not drink several nights a week. We have not spoken about alcohol anymore. In the WE he has asked me if I wanted wine with dinner. i have said no and he has not opened the bottle at all. If I do not drink, he does not either, although he enjoys drinking with me a lot.
Bulldog you really made me laugh with this: 'The way you wrote it sounded like you were slugging a half a gallon of vodka and barfing in the laundry basket to sober up before your kids caught you'
Wow... I should have written this message earlier.
Bulldog you really made me laugh with this: 'The way you wrote it sounded like you were slugging a half a gallon of vodka and barfing in the laundry basket to sober up before your kids caught you'
Wow... I should have written this message earlier.
you said
Originally Posted by Wilde10
" I have told him that I was quitting because I was worried about how much I craved some wine in the nights and it was becoming difficult for me to not drink several nights a week. We have not spoken about alcohol anymore. In the WE he has asked me if I wanted wine with dinner. i have said no and he has not opened the bottle at all. If I do not drink, he does not either, although he enjoys drinking with me a lot."
if i were to tell my wife all the horrible details that i remember might unburden my soul, but would definately greatly trouble her. like Smacked said..those heavy conversations are better left for a sponsor or therapist.
I want to be a great husband and father...my wife needs not bear the same shame i have for the things i have seen and done. that's between me and my God.(or therapist and sponsor if i so choose)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Wild.....I do have a lot of experience in dealing with men
I've found when I ask them for assistance
without long explanations....it worked out better.
With that in mind.....
"I've decided to quit drinking ..it makes me sad.
Will you please support my decision?"
Blessings to you and your family
I've found when I ask them for assistance
without long explanations....it worked out better.
With that in mind.....
"I've decided to quit drinking ..it makes me sad.
Will you please support my decision?"
Blessings to you and your family
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
Sounds to me that your husband would be supportive of you. Since the kids will be gone it is probably a good time for a talk. Since he isn't a drinker I wouldn't go into detail. My husband is a drinker (I'm questioning if he is alcoholic) and was no help at all. He has done everything in his power I believe to sabatoge me. I think he liked me drinking because he was "in charge". Remember that it is your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
Most important thing; do what works for your recovery. If you are relieved by not having to reveal your suspected alcoholism to dh, and it will strengthen your resolve for now, do that. I suspect by the very fact that you have posted this question again, are in angst about it and greatly appreciative of permission granted in this thread not to tell, that you eventually will have to.
Secrets of past relationships or things that happened prior to your marriage are very different from issues of health in the present tense. There is a loss of intimacy in your relationship, IMO, if you indefinitely keep your recovery from your husband. He likes to drink with you and expects some excess in drink when allowable. Will he be disappointed or at least curious about your change of ways? If it were my spouse I would want more of a discussion than, "For my health."
You are wracked with guilt about the layers of secretiveness and especially, (I think,) incidents that happened when you were alone with the children. That is serious, yes, I have known a number of alcoholics who obtained and sustained their sobriety due to the fear that someone, (a spouse,) would question their fitness to provide child care and/or in child custody matters. If you think there's any chance that your children witnessed you getting drunk, behaving drunk or being sick and could repeat or describe that to your dh, you should definitely consider telling him yourself. Eventually. Not now.
Do what you need to do now to stay sober.
Secrets of past relationships or things that happened prior to your marriage are very different from issues of health in the present tense. There is a loss of intimacy in your relationship, IMO, if you indefinitely keep your recovery from your husband. He likes to drink with you and expects some excess in drink when allowable. Will he be disappointed or at least curious about your change of ways? If it were my spouse I would want more of a discussion than, "For my health."
You are wracked with guilt about the layers of secretiveness and especially, (I think,) incidents that happened when you were alone with the children. That is serious, yes, I have known a number of alcoholics who obtained and sustained their sobriety due to the fear that someone, (a spouse,) would question their fitness to provide child care and/or in child custody matters. If you think there's any chance that your children witnessed you getting drunk, behaving drunk or being sick and could repeat or describe that to your dh, you should definitely consider telling him yourself. Eventually. Not now.
Do what you need to do now to stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Montana
Posts: 142
I don't have any advice, Wilde10, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Our situations aren't exactly alike, but I have a terribly hard time being able to talk with Hubby about my problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, I don't have much to add to the many excellent replies you've received... However, I'll comment on one of your reasons to keep it all to yourself... shame. That's all in your head... you feel shame because you see this as shameful, or, you have assumed that your husband will, hence the perceived need for secrecy (??)...
It's time now for you to begin recovery, I can see that in your posts. Remember... Shame and guilt are a burden you place on yourself... I think that is what music was getting at... it doesn't have to be a part of your experience if you do not let it...
My wife plays little or no part in my journey of sobriety/recovery.... she can't, it's my job... she not an alcoholic.... That doesn't mean she doesn't care, she does... and the biggest help she can be for me... is to give me the space and time I need to do this deal.
Mark
It's time now for you to begin recovery, I can see that in your posts. Remember... Shame and guilt are a burden you place on yourself... I think that is what music was getting at... it doesn't have to be a part of your experience if you do not let it...
My wife plays little or no part in my journey of sobriety/recovery.... she can't, it's my job... she not an alcoholic.... That doesn't mean she doesn't care, she does... and the biggest help she can be for me... is to give me the space and time I need to do this deal.
Mark
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