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Wilde10

First off, it makes sense to find out if you ARE an alcoholic. From your first sentence, I assume you're not entirely sure one way or another. There's plenty of info here if you look. If you're not an alcoholic, perhaps you have a drinking "problem." I'd say taking care of the problem negates you having or even needing to say anything. The best way to admit it and say you're sorry is to fix it.

On the other hand, if you ARE an alcoholic like so many of us here (from your posts, it's a pretty good bet) you'll not only need to tell him, he'll already know, and if you don't want to tell him right this second.....you'll grow to want to tell him. Like I said though, if you're an alcoholic, I'll betcha $100 he already knows "something's amiss."

When I told my ex-wife (we were married at the time) that I was going to go to an AA meeting, I said I wasn't sure IF I was an alki but I wanted to go anyway, see what it was all about, and see where it goes from there. If you tell him there might be a problem and you want to at least look into it for now........before it gets "worse" or "out of control" (lol.....like it probably already is....) I can't imagine anyone saying to NOT go. He may suggest you don't have a problem but that's a testament to what good liars us alcoholics are.

You mentioned a nasty nasty word that I can toooooooooooooooooooooooooootally identify with: SHAME.

The shame I walked around with on a day to day basis....oh boy.....I don't even know how to put it into words. That shame was there all the time: drinking or not, hung over or not, good day or bad day. It was like a cloud that surrounded me every second I was awake and in a lot of my dreams as well. Shame is usually a HUGE part of the "ism" in "alcoholism."

I've NEVER had a but kicking.....dui #'s 1, 2 & 3 included.....like I got from my own self-induced shame. Stopping drinking did NOTHING to stop it. In fact, it got worse (or it seemed like it did). The ONLY thing that took that S*** away was a power greater than me that I discovered by working the 12 Steps in AA. NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING I did on my own took those feelings away like booze, and booze alllllllways worked on it. Shame had me giving some serious consideration to putting one of my guns to my head....and it started making sense.

Pardon my language but don't F*** around with this stuff. It's a very very serious game. I don't care who you are, we need you. You've got some awesome stuff to do and you (like all of us) don't even realize how awesome your life can be. Not drinking is one hell of a big step but it's a bandage on a gunshot wound. I'd hiiiiiiiiighly encourage you to search out some support from your local AA groups.

Supercrew

Although my wife has wanted me to quit drinking for at least 10+ years, and she pushed even harder when I got the DUI 8 years ago, I didn't want to quit. When I finally made the decision 24 days ago, she was happy to hear it. But there was no way in hell I could have told her the reasons why I decided to quit, because although she knew I was over doing it regularly, she had no idea to what extent and how I was putting our son and our financial lives in danger on a daily basis. Although I enjoy discussing my decision with her regularly, and I will let her know some of the less gory details of my addiction and binges, I don't see any purpose in letting her know how bad I got. All she needs to know is that I realized it wasn't working for me, she knew it was causing friction in our relationship, but if I were to come clean with the amount I consumed daily, the amount of money I was spending, and the places other than home that I was drunk at and the misdeeds and predicaments I found myself in, (although some very funny in hindsite, and no infidelity involved), I have no doubt that she would be filing for divorce shortly thereafter because I am a crazy drunk!. I figure, I found sobriety, she is happy, and some of the gory details as to why I have quit are better left unsaid...at least for now.

wren

Looking at some of the responses...
Personally, I don't understand why someone would/should keep something this important from their spouse.
It seems to me that honesty in a marriage would be a good thing.
I'm not married, though, so perhaps I don't understand.

LaFemme

I'm not married either but in my experience with Men I think Carol hit the nail on the head. Tell him you have quit drinking and would like his support and leave it at that. My guess is that he is more aware of the problem then he lets on, my clue would be that he doesn't open the wine bottle when you say you don't want to drink. A man's actions are louder than their words.

I don't think full and absolute disclosure is necessarily healthy in a relationship (as long as there is love and respect).

It also depends a little on your personal dynamics...my family is Scandinavian, boy talk about not expressing feelings!!!!) The thought of my discussing this with them is almost impossible to fathom. I am sure they are aware of my problem (perhaps not how bad it got) but to discuss it would be impossible. I tried to broach the subject with my father (not scandinvian) and it never worked.

Supercrew

Honesty in marriage is a very good thing, don't get me wrong. And I think Wilde is being honest in a subtle way by slowly trying to fix her drinking issue without rocking the balance of her relationship with her husband. Only she knows how he might react to all the information regarding the issue she is having. If he reacts negatively it could put her relationship in jeopardy in her mind. One of the many reasons many of us get sober is to preserve our marriages and our relationships with friends and family because they are important to us. By dropping a bomb like "I'm an alcoholic, although you know I tie one on occassionally, truthfully everyday when you are off at work I am getting drunk, starting about 5 minutes after you leave. Then I run errands driving the car all over town sipping vodka out of my water bottle, as I drop our kids off at school and pick them up later and take them to their after school activities, and I basically waste the day drinking while you are out working to pay for it". "So starting today, because I did get drunk last night while you were asleep and I am going through terrible withdrawals, I am going to stop drinking".

How do you think someones spouse might take that information? Probably a little worse than, "hey hunny you are a little too heavy to wear that outfit." If I am unable to handle my problem in the future I am sure I will maybe be more forthcoming with my wife regarding my drinking issues, but my first step is me recognizing I have a problem. Working on my problem would be alot harder if I was going through a divorce as well, and maybe if I did tell me wife all my dirty little secrets she wouldn't leave me, but I don't want to take that chance and jeopardize the most important relationship in my life. I don't see withholding this information as being dishonest, its a "didn't ask not gonna tell" policy for me. Some may see that as wrong, but I see it as protecting my wife our relationship and my family from an issue that will have no further consequences as long as I stay sober. But this is just my opinion.

Wilde10

Thank you very much for all the responses!!!
They are all very useful and it is actually helping me to move forward step by step.
It has been said that I am not sure about being an alcoholic and that may be part of the problem. I know I must look for the similarities, not the differences and I fit the profile 99% The only thing not fitting particularly well is the 'progression'. I drink much less than 10 years ago. I have had long periods sober in between, many weeks of drinking within the 'healthy limits', etc. I have never ever drank when the kids were awake, or driving, etc. obviously it is a risk to put your kids in bed and get wasted. If anything happens you are ehmmm wasted. One of my biggest fears has been to think of the consequences of showing in a hospital drunk due to an emergency with a child.

However, I am a compulsive drinker, drinking only makes sense to get drunk, I would try to drink before and after a party, have hidden alcohol... the works. So i do not care about the label but I see myself as an alcoholic, perhaps living some kind of 'plateau' alcoholisms, not progressing to much worse yet, but alcoholic nonetheless. The shame is keeping me there. If I was living alone I would have been gone by now.

Anyway, I spoke about this a bit more with my husband yesterday, almost casually. I said my not drinking was a 'for good' thing. He did not take it very well. He said this was a bit of a radical measure when we both enjoy the 'occassional' glass of wine. I told him I did not enjoy the occassional thing, but wanted to be drunk and it was better for me to stop. I also said I had no problem with him drinking. He was crossed though. He said I knew if I do not drink he would not either.

I am leaving today to leave my kids with grandmother...coming back on Monday. It looks like I will need to have a conversation about this precisely because he has not a clue that I have a real problem. To 'convince' him of this I will have to tell him about part of my past, but will keep the details to myself.

But for the following 3 days I will just enjoy my kids and my mum and relax in a very non-alcoholic environment since my mum does not drink at all.

Thank you very much for being there, for reading and for all the very good insights I have got from you all.

By the way, I am not considering AA meetings -very long story and you have had enough about me, but I am reading quite a lot of AA literature that is helping me very much on this.

Wish you a great sober day

David 1

Great job - This will give him time over the weekend to sort out his feelings and hopefully will just want what is best for you.

Dave

Wilde10

Well... My flight was cancelled... May have to drive for 19 hours since all flights are full... Will be very very easy not to drink but very difficult to have some space to think.
Thanks again

Coolmel

Not to hijack the thread...but...bulldog...how did your father go to AA meetings without your mother finding out?

bubblehead

I am new to this forum. I've been reading for a couple of weeks but this post prompted me to join. wilde, it sounds like you've already handled it. Seriously though, I would spare him the details. I had been sneaking around drinking during the day while my fiance was at work. I could feel myself losing control and I tried to stop several times. I finally told my fiance, because I wanted help. He was furious with me and no longer trusts me Can't blame him. I wish I had just stopped on my own and kept my mouth shut. It would have been easier had I found this site before all this happened.

artsoul

welcome, bubblehead! :ghug3

soberbythesea

thank you so much to everyone who posted in this thread. not to hijack the discussion but I really relate to some of the issues here. It is so refreshing to figure out that I don't necessarily need to discuss this subject in detail with my husband. Drinking, and an interest in wine specifically, has always been something that my husband and I share (unfortunately, in my case, being a "wine buff" progressed into being an addict), so my quitting altogether is a sensitive topic. At this point, he is well aware that I believe I have a problem and that I have stopped drinking, although he believes this is a trial period. He is not yet aware that I have absolutely no intention of drinking ever again. I feel like I need to introduce him slowly to that concept. I told him last night that I was considering quitting for good, and I asked him very simply whether he would hypothetically support that decision and he said yes. But I am taking it one day at a time right now, and don't feel the need to have some big dramatic conversation with him about the decision I've made, at least not yet. I also have no intention of involving him in the day to day nitty gritty of my recovery or the gory details of why I am doing this.

LexieCat

Bubblehead, what's he furious about, that you were drinking behind his back, or that you want help with your problem?

I can understand wanting to do some initial exploration about recovery without necessarily sharing that info with one's significant other, but sooner or later it will have to be faced. I cannot imagine successful recovery in a situation where you have to sneak around about it. And I'd sure rather know sooner rather than later, in the case of a fiance, whether he's the kind of person who is going to think less of me for choosing recovery.

David 1

For me, I felt like I had to really focus on my recovery for the first 90 days or so. I needed space but I cannot imagine quitting without the support of my spouse. Maybe some marriages are different and I can understand the potential resistance but as alcoholism runs its course, the relationship usually starts to suffer!

soberbythesea - I could have wrote your post!!

Dave

bubblehead

Lexie, he was furious that I was drinking behind his back. He said it is almost as bad as cheating to him. We used to drink together occasionally but since opened a business where he deals with addicts, he's gotten uptight about it. I started drinking behind his back, which led to me drinking even more.
I knew he was going to be mad when I told him. I half expected him to dump me. He did initially tell me to move out. Then he changed his mind and drove me to an AA meeting the day after I quit. He asked me to keep going. I went twice, nice people but due to my first husband using religion as an excuse to be abusive, I cannot handle the religious talk in AA. I suffer from PTSS and it sets off panic attacks. I told him that and he understood. I looked for a nonreligious support group in my area, but no luck.

LexieCat

When you say he "deals with addicts" do you mean he's in the recovery field? Or just in a business where he encounters a lot of them?

I'm sorry about your PTSD that creates a problem for your attendance at AA. Maybe you could find an understanding therapist to help you? There is a lot of good online support, but if you could find some kind of face-to-face support, I think it would be valuable to you.

Keep reading and posting here, and maybe you could also do some good recovery reading--there are some good books suggested around these forums.

LaFemme

I am not married, but I have not discussed my recovery with my family, despite the fact that I am visiting them right now. The few times the subject has come up, there has been a complete lack of understanding that quitting, for me, needs to be total. When I have said that, I was told that I just needed to scale back. So this time I am not talking to them about it.

I think part of the problem, for them, is that my sobreity holds a mirror up to their own alcohol and substance abuse.

Of course this is just my situation...I hope everyone is able to works things out with their spouses and partners, best of luck!

David 1

Same here LaFemme, I only shared my alcoholism with my wife and no one else (except at AA meetings.) Of course, she already suspected but I could not have succeeded without her support.

Unfortunately, alcoholism is still thought of as a little secret and a weakness by a lot of people. I think that has changed over the years though.

Wilde10

Bubblehead,
First of all welcome to SR

i am very sorry to hear about the reaction of your fiance. He obviously does not know much about addiction, and as far as he is concerned you were cheating on him. And in some ways you can say he is right. He just does not understand you need help. Alcoholism has stigma attached to it if you do not know much abou it. And this stigma is much worse for women.

Dave, I think it is not so much about 'different marriages' but about gender differences here. And I do not mean in any bad way. However, every time you hear about a man in recovery he insists on how much space he needed at the start of the recovery and how their partners provided that space. It is much more frequent from what I watch that a woman feels she has no right to claim that space. My husband is a very good man, a fantastic dad, and a very gender-conscious man. Still he made it clear to me that he will not be a support on this. He is angry about me not drinking and there is no way I will give him more details. He is trying not to be angry, he is not drinking at all around me (because he normally does not when i do not), and i have made clear I will not let me push into drinking just to get a drinking buddy.

But I am aware this may also take a tool in our relationship. It is disappointing, but I am convinced we can both survive this better than me progressing to a stage where he will be the one begging me to stop.

bubblehead

Lexie, he works at a business where he encounters alot of them. He's actually developed a strong disgust for them. Unfortunately, I cannot afford a therapist. I think reading this site and the other info I find online helps though.
Wilde, you are right about there being a gender dfference. There is a heck of lot more stigma that goes with female alcoholics. One of the things that prompted me to try and get help was a site I'd read. Its said that women were far less likely to get help because people tend to judge female alcoholics more harshly than male alcoholics. It also said that women are better at hiding it (sounded like me) and were also more likely to suffer serious health problems as a result.
Wilde, good luck with your husband, I am sure he will come around.