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I cannot say it to my husband

Old 07-27-2010, 07:22 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Bubblehead,
It is going to be a rough route if you feel your partner is disgusted by who you are. You will not be able to hide forever.
It is not only that 'others' judge women harder... they do. It is part of the pathriarcal society to require higher 'ethical standards' to women, higher standards in general: how we look, how we behave, the children. I mean, you cannot even afford to fart if you are a woman. But the most difficult part is that we judge ourselves harder. this is obviously very raw stereotyping that, as all stereotypes, are true in general, but never true in the particular case, if you see what I mean.

You cannot afford this at all. You have two choices: 1) Keep the drinking up, hiding, etc or 2) stop it altogether and inform your husband about it. The time for explanations may come later, if you decide so. I have got very good advice here. Hope it helps you. Do not beat yourself up.
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Old 07-27-2010, 08:18 AM
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Wilde I did tell him and quit. Now I kind of wish I had just stopped and not said anything, because of the damage its done to our relationship. Part of me thinks if I went to such elaborate measures to hide my drinking, (driving to the other side of town to buy beer, disposing of my empties in public trash cans, drinking a gallon of water to sober up before he got home), I could have just as easily hidden my recovery.
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Old 07-27-2010, 09:07 AM
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I know you told him, but this is probably enough even if he got angry. As I have been told here, probably the details can only be harmful - This was my big connundrum: how to explain the amount of lies, the betrayal behind the drinking. It is normal he is shocked and feels a bit cheated. In my particular case, as I said too, it is going to damage the relationship but it is impossible to live with someone, stop drinking and not explaining anything at all.

SR has made me see it is possible to say it and to do it without vomitting all the crap behind it. It would be awesome to get real understanding from our partners. But I guess this is not always the case, and we must still live with it. In any case you did the right thing telling him. If he is angry because of the hiding, he should understand that you have precisely stop the hiding. And that you are far more sad than he is about this decision. It is much more difficult for you to acknowledge the problem, quit and confessing than for him to understand all this sequence.

Your relationship will probably survive. Try to keep focus on yourself a little bit. We are all in a huge emotional roller coaster at this point in recovery as many long-timers explain here. We probably cannot see it clearly until it passes.

I understand how hard it is for you, because under different circumstances we are sharing the same boat. Try to not put too much value on his reaction. I am saying all this like a mantra (pretty long though) to convince myself..
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:11 AM
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We are in the same boat in many ways. That's what prompted me to join and post.
I think we are dealing with 2 different sorts of people though. I don't know what would be worse, someone who wanted me to continue to drink or someone who guilts me for it . Being guilt tripped and looked at with suspicion isn't anymore of a picnic than keeping the secret. I can't change what I've done, all I can do is NOT do it anymore. I have't been counting the days but I think its been somewhere around three weeks without a drink.
I have my own mantra these days "I am an alcoholic...not an axe murderer.."
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:15 AM
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bubblehead.....

soberbythesea...

Welcome to our recovery community
Glad to see new members join SR.
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Old 07-27-2010, 11:31 AM
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Bubbleheaded.....

I hope you will stay connected with us.
We have many members successfffully winning over
alcohol who do not use a formal program....

Here is a list for you to explore....you might find SMART
interesting

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Please do begin your own thread of introduction
either here in Alcoholism or Newcomers

Then more members will know you are here...thus giving
you extra support and information.

Well done on your early sobriety....
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:20 AM
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Bubblehead...
Missing you around. would be nice to know how you are getting on. My husband has been 'silent' which is normally his way of dealing with many things when they trouble him. He has not drank for a few weeks and our childless week has had some good fun... cinema, theatre, going out for dinner (in 3 days is not bad, eh?). I feel more confident about surviving the rest now.

Yesterday he ordered a glass of wine with his dinner... I could observe how he drank it... slowly, enjoying it. 90 min. it took him to finish it!!!! He drinks much faster with me - Wondering whether I was dragging him with me into this.

I feel I do not need to explain more though and that feels really, really good. Have you had more conversations with your husband?
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:54 AM
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Yesterday he ordered a glass of wine with his dinner... I could observe how he drank it... slowly, enjoying it. 90 min. it took him to finish it!!!!
I NEVER ordered a drink when out. Too expensive and I couldn't get enough. I believe that my husband is miffed that I don't drink anymore because now he is drinking alone. Or he goes to the neighbors to drink. Mmmm He does seem to point out how long the bottle of booze has lasted. I usually say "yep that bottle wouldn't have lasted the night if I was still drinking".

I haven't made the decision that I will never drink because that is a really long time. I just say I am not drinking today.

Hope everyone is doing fine. I've been married for 28 years now but only had this drinking problem the last 6. Hang in there all.
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Old 07-29-2010, 10:58 AM
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Lovestotravel...
About alcohol lasting longer... It is unbelievable actually. Since I stopped drinking it seems that all the excuses that seem inevitable commitments to drink (i.e. people at home, something we have quite often) have disappeared.

We openned a bottle of wine for a guest who was here the first week of July. He drank two glasses. The rest of the bottle still there. Every other person coming to the house has refused to drink...
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Old 08-04-2010, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Wilde10 View Post
Bubblehead...
Missing you around. would be nice to know how you are getting on. My husband has been 'silent' which is normally his way of dealing with many things when they trouble him. He has not drank for a few weeks and our childless week has had some good fun... cinema, theatre, going out for dinner (in 3 days is not bad, eh?). I feel more confident about surviving the rest now.

Yesterday he ordered a glass of wine with his dinner... I could observe how he drank it... slowly, enjoying it. 90 min. it took him to finish it!!!! He drinks much faster with me - Wondering whether I was dragging him with me into this.

I feel I do not need to explain more though and that feels really, really good. Have you had more conversations with your husband?
We had some guests from out of town and I was afraid they'd see me on here, so I haven't been on. I am OK, I guess. I was really proud of myself. The guests were all drinking and I managed to say "no thank you" when they offered me some. It is really, really hard for me to be around others who are drinking and not have one. 3 days into it I cracked and bought some nonalcoholic beer. I know some people think you shouldn't even do non-al but I had a friend who drank waaay more than I ever did and the non-al helped her quit. I made it the whole week without drinking. I was soo proud of myself. Then this morning my fiance lashed out at me. He said he is tired of everything being all about me and complained because he cannot even have a beer. It really hurt For all he has judged and guilted me, now he is mad because he cannot drink. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
It sounds like you are doing well, that's great
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Old 08-05-2010, 02:34 AM
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Bubblehead,
Glad to see you back. Fantastic work on your week of sobriety!!!
I do not have a view on the non-alcoholic beverages. I believe a trait of the alcoholic behaviour is excess and I am trying by all means to take a more 'moderate' approach to my life in general: work, exercise, how much healthy or unhealthy food I eat, etc. I used to drink 2 litres of diet cola. I quitted... that gave more withdrawals than alcohol. From drinking it all day long now I was looking at it as if it was rat poisson. But my guess is that one every now and then cannot be that bad. I drank 3 or 4 non-alcoholic beers when I was pregnant. Many of them are 0.0 so even is there is 0.03 alcohol in them it would not be my way of restart the drinking (unless of course you were drinking 20 every night instead of a single one)

Your husband seems to be very little support for you at the moment. I do not know whether he has or not a drinking problem. Imagine you had been playing with him chess every night for the last 10 years. And one day you clome home and say... 'you know what, darling.. I am bored with Chess'. Obviously alcohol is much worse to quit than chess, but for sure you can understand that he would be a bit confused and angry about his partner for the game leaving him alone.

It is so easy to use your partner to give up all the good work and start drinking again. I have found myself several times thinking I should have a glass of wine with my husband for the sake of our relationship!!! Or even worse... I make the argument of complete altruistic behaviour and I convince myself of drinking for HIS sake!!!

Thank you for coming back and posting. It helps me a lot to see what is happening on your side.
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Old 08-05-2010, 03:21 AM
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Hi wilde,

In my opinion the shame we feel about our antics and things we have done is already an enormous burden to carry in itself and can often lead us into having another drink just to try and forget out it.

I dont see any need for him to know anything at this stage about your recovery or indeed your past drinking history.

I think you could just say that when you are not drinking you feel much more alert, your skin looks better, and you feel altogether more healthy so for the time being you are not drinking any alcohol at all. There is no lie here at all as all those things I just metioned are very true. I cannot see the point in heaping pressure on yourself at the moment with lenghty discussions and probably tears and tantrums that will only make you feel bad.

I think that whilst we are in recovery especially at the early stages we need to keep everything as calm as possible.

Good luck hun
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:19 AM
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I remember reading an article about a wife of an alcoholic who had been sober for 10 years and it was quite sad.

She discussed how her husband every year stood up at meetings and thanked his sponsor for helping him be sober. He never once thought to thank her. He just expected that as his wife she would support him.

She also recalled going out for meals and watching other couples share a bottle of wine and how they used to do that but could no longer and feeling sad and envious.

In no way am I saying that you should drink with your husband, but I think that you may need to consider how he feels a bit more. I think that unfortunately, in our society, plans to enjoy yourself often include drinking, especially as a couple. Be it going for a meal, sharing wine on the sofa, cooking a meal together, going for a pub lunch. etc etc.

We often don't know how to enjoy ourselves without drinking.

For somebody that does not have a problem with drink, the thought of no more drinking together could be quite scary. Especially if you have not had many low points in your drinking career or lost a job, money etc etc.

Maybe trying to find ways to enjoy your time together without booze may make him feel a bit better.

I hope you understand what I am saying and I wish you lots of luck

xx
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:40 AM
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Sasha
Thank you for the post...It was an eye opener.
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Sasha4 View Post

plans to enjoy yourself often include drinking, especially as a couple. Be it going for a meal, sharing wine on the sofa, cooking a meal together, going for a pub lunch. etc etc.
exactly, and like you also pointed out, and is my own experience as well... ..... if the "normie" spouse doesn't think that the alkie spouse really has that bad of a problem... either because there have been few consequences or the recovering alkie hid it pretty well or whatever... this sense of loss is magnified....

Yea, I try not to forget that alcoholism, but sometimes even more, recovery affects our spouse at least as much, and they just happened to be on the same bus by coincidence....
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Old 08-05-2010, 06:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Wilde10 View Post
Sasha
Thank you for the post...It was an eye opener.
I hope it was an eye opener in a good way... i really did not want to take away from what you want to achieve our give you any doubts.

I really, really struggle myself with drinking and I again I wish you nothing but luck.

xx
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Old 08-05-2010, 06:28 AM
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I post a lot over at the "friends and family" forum (because I had two marriages to alcoholics--one of whom is now sober over 30 years and the other who is, I believe, still drinking himself to death), and someone else commented recently that they seldom feel that the recovering alcoholic gives them enough credit for their support.

Of course, that is their own resentment speaking, but really, spouses put up with a hell of a lot through the drinking years, then recovery comes along, and *bam* suddenly there's a whole new situation where the spouses feel left out and unappreciated. I think alcoholics whose marriages make it through recovery learn that, although their sobriety has to take priority over everything else, they owe amends and attention to their relationship with their spouse. Effort needs to be put into that, too, especially after the first period of new sobriety, whether that is rocky or euphoric.
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