New Here
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
I consider my self fortunate to have a happy marriage, awesome kids, dogs, the whole works. I live in a nice neighborhood and have a decent car, nice hobbys and a healthy extended family. I do appreciate your insight. It's just not for me. I've been doing this for 30 years and I never stop learning
You are lucky, man. But can you imagine how much better your marriage would be, how much happier your awesome kids would be if you stopped drinking? I thought I was happy, loved my husband, my kids, my whole life too...until I realized how much I was missing by drinking.
Little things....like going to bed early (passing out) - how many times did I miss a chance to kiss them goodnight? And sleeping late (hung over) -how many times did I miss Saturday morning cartoons with everyone still in their pjs? And not really wanting to go out in the evenings with them to Little League, etc, because I would rather be home drinking. Mind you, I went to all their outings, but I was thinking more about the drink I would have when I got home than I was involved in whatever we were doing.
Have you ever tried to stop drinking totally - say even for a month? See what you are missing....it might be worth it.
Good luck!
Jomey
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,782
There's nothing so bad that drinking can't make it worse. If you are down now, drinking will just dig the hole deeper. I hope you decide to get out while you still can and before something worse happens.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 7
Hello jed and crown,im new here too and responses to my first post made me feel so much better,people here care,they really do.Jed,your posts made me cry,im in the same hole as you,but i dont have kids or loving wife/husband,if i did i would think it would be easier for me to get sober.Your family loves and cares about you,be strong.thats all i can say,i dont know what to say but i wish you the best,take advices posted here,its so amazing how few words can give you hope.I came here 2 days ago,i been reading all posts and im not done yet, and I asked for help and members replied to me.This is awesome support.I been boozed for two past days,but today i got a number to my local help group,i got number to therapy close to my home,its a step for me,small one but ....a step to get better.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
If you haven't had a chance to look around and read other posts, the newcomers section has some great stuff. I am both a recovering alcoholic, and the (ex)wife of a man who is still experimenting with "his way" of moderation. Your wife may never be able to let you know the true despair of watching a man she loves turning into a man she doesn't know because of drinking, but it is happening and will continue to happen.
Your children may not be able to tell you the havoc you are causing for them, but it is there none the less. I did not quit drinking until my daughter was 22, and she now struggles with addictions, self worth, unemployment and a host of problems. I will always wonder how much better her coping skills could have been had she not been raised under the dark cloud that is alcoholism.
AA wasn't for me when I quit either, but I quit. Cold turkey. Everything. I made a promise to myself that if I couldn't do it my way, I would seek what ever help I needed, in what ever form. Your way is NOT working if your wife is calling the cops. Your killing her inside slowly, and your killing yourself. I hope you find the help you need, welcome.
Your children may not be able to tell you the havoc you are causing for them, but it is there none the less. I did not quit drinking until my daughter was 22, and she now struggles with addictions, self worth, unemployment and a host of problems. I will always wonder how much better her coping skills could have been had she not been raised under the dark cloud that is alcoholism.
AA wasn't for me when I quit either, but I quit. Cold turkey. Everything. I made a promise to myself that if I couldn't do it my way, I would seek what ever help I needed, in what ever form. Your way is NOT working if your wife is calling the cops. Your killing her inside slowly, and your killing yourself. I hope you find the help you need, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Jed- my dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up.
I consider my self fortunate to have a happy marriage, awesome kids, dogs, the whole works. I live in a nice neighborhood and have a decent car, nice hobbys and a healthy extended family.
I wonder if my dad believed this as part of his denial too!
Pop over and read some of the posts at the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section here on SR. Might give you a clearer picture of your "fortunate" life.
It all goes down in your mind Jed. Our family looked perfect and had the "whole works" from the outside too. Ha!
Was your father an alcoholic? Man, you have no idea.
My heart goes out to your wife and children. Children especially - they see and hear and feel things that are so unacceptable and painful. And everyone around them pretends nothing is wrong. It is maddening and hurts to the bone.
Good luck with just drinking beer. My dad drank beer. He finally found sobriety through AA - but I didn't care what it took - if he got sober and recovered by traveling to Mars and following the directions of martians that was fine by me! I am just SO grateful that he got sober and died sober. It couldn't fix the damage done but it allowed us an authentic and loving relationship for the last 20 years of his life. Before that - when he was drinking he wasn't really "there!" While actively alcoholic he probably minimized his behavior and lied to himself that he was there - but he wasn't!!
I have 3 alcoholic brothers. If they had grown up without the example and dynamic of my alcoholic father and codependent mother could their lives have turned out differently? I'll never know. My mother and father's little coping strategy of denial didn't create anything healthy that's for sure!
Well, all the best -- also when your kids are teens or older let them know about AlAnon. It really turned my head around! Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen They will need support and help to learn how to deal with you as your disease progresses. Alcoholism is always progressive.
peace-
b
I consider my self fortunate to have a happy marriage, awesome kids, dogs, the whole works. I live in a nice neighborhood and have a decent car, nice hobbys and a healthy extended family.
I wonder if my dad believed this as part of his denial too!
Pop over and read some of the posts at the Friends & Family of Alcoholics section here on SR. Might give you a clearer picture of your "fortunate" life.
It all goes down in your mind Jed. Our family looked perfect and had the "whole works" from the outside too. Ha!
Was your father an alcoholic? Man, you have no idea.
My heart goes out to your wife and children. Children especially - they see and hear and feel things that are so unacceptable and painful. And everyone around them pretends nothing is wrong. It is maddening and hurts to the bone.
Good luck with just drinking beer. My dad drank beer. He finally found sobriety through AA - but I didn't care what it took - if he got sober and recovered by traveling to Mars and following the directions of martians that was fine by me! I am just SO grateful that he got sober and died sober. It couldn't fix the damage done but it allowed us an authentic and loving relationship for the last 20 years of his life. Before that - when he was drinking he wasn't really "there!" While actively alcoholic he probably minimized his behavior and lied to himself that he was there - but he wasn't!!
I have 3 alcoholic brothers. If they had grown up without the example and dynamic of my alcoholic father and codependent mother could their lives have turned out differently? I'll never know. My mother and father's little coping strategy of denial didn't create anything healthy that's for sure!
Well, all the best -- also when your kids are teens or older let them know about AlAnon. It really turned my head around! Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen They will need support and help to learn how to deal with you as your disease progresses. Alcoholism is always progressive.
peace-
b
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Could you just drink 2 and walk away? I know if I tried, I would slam the
two drinks as quickly as possible to maximize the effects. I don't want to test myself to see if I could drink just the two. I don't remember ever having had just 2. The obsession of the mind thing has made increasing sense to me as I've become increasingly sane. If there is anything we can do, let us know. It's ultimately about you figuring out what you want. Best of luck. I drank for 20 years and mostly had
myself convinced I was happy most of the time. Some people need a real old fashioned old school AA kind of bottom, others pick their own. Maybe look at it as a qualityof life issue.
two drinks as quickly as possible to maximize the effects. I don't want to test myself to see if I could drink just the two. I don't remember ever having had just 2. The obsession of the mind thing has made increasing sense to me as I've become increasingly sane. If there is anything we can do, let us know. It's ultimately about you figuring out what you want. Best of luck. I drank for 20 years and mostly had
myself convinced I was happy most of the time. Some people need a real old fashioned old school AA kind of bottom, others pick their own. Maybe look at it as a qualityof life issue.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: The GREAT White North
Posts: 315
Shyte Jed. Just shyte. You are me. The same thinking. The same control issues. The same way of seeing things black and white. The same justifying. Even when the **** is hitting the fan, the same gratitude for the lessons.
Welcome. I hope you come back and update us.
Welcome. I hope you come back and update us.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
I can't do that to my kids though. They deserve a dad.
Yes, Yes the do. Not only do they need a Dad, they need a sober Dad. I hope you are able to give that to them. For me, the best motivation I had to get sober and start my recovery was my daughter. She was only 14 months old when I put the bottle down for good. The best part is that she will never have to know that Daddy was a drunk. What a gift.... a sober and loving father!
Yes, Yes the do. Not only do they need a Dad, they need a sober Dad. I hope you are able to give that to them. For me, the best motivation I had to get sober and start my recovery was my daughter. She was only 14 months old when I put the bottle down for good. The best part is that she will never have to know that Daddy was a drunk. What a gift.... a sober and loving father!
Nonexistent Willpower
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 439
"AA does not work for me."
Didn't work for me either. I had to work for it. Because I'm an alcoholic I was hoping it would all be thrown in my lap for free without any effort. It wasn't. I remember my sponsor saying "Steve, this deal aint for sissies. Are you done doing it Steve's way? BTW, how's that been working for ya?"
The basics:
Go to a meetings.
Tell them you need help.
Get a sponsor.
Work the steps.
Go help someoone else.
Maybe you are not alcoholic, beats me. Here's a good definition that may help you decide:
p. 44
"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
So it's:
a. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely
OR
b. If when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
Personally I struggled with entirely. It means forever. I'd also like to throw this in: If when not drinking you start to feel restless, irritable, discontent, you might be a one of us. If you are don't be ashamed. It's the greatest news I ever heard. It saved my life.
Didn't work for me either. I had to work for it. Because I'm an alcoholic I was hoping it would all be thrown in my lap for free without any effort. It wasn't. I remember my sponsor saying "Steve, this deal aint for sissies. Are you done doing it Steve's way? BTW, how's that been working for ya?"
The basics:
Go to a meetings.
Tell them you need help.
Get a sponsor.
Work the steps.
Go help someoone else.
Maybe you are not alcoholic, beats me. Here's a good definition that may help you decide:
p. 44
"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic."
So it's:
a. If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely
OR
b. If when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic.
Personally I struggled with entirely. It means forever. I'd also like to throw this in: If when not drinking you start to feel restless, irritable, discontent, you might be a one of us. If you are don't be ashamed. It's the greatest news I ever heard. It saved my life.
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