CarolD

Yes.....I am part of our SR Forum Team

I talked a lot as a member too before I became a Mod.

I am also an AA recovered alcoholic who knows that
not everyone is interested in my choice of recovery.

That is not a requirement for SR membership...

Jed

I transfered money over into the account which the debit card represents. I also changed the password to my bank account. I won't let my wife control me. My mind is screed up right now. I'm sorry for anything I said here. I'm not any good at this either. Thank you for allowing me to post what I did. So many feelings coming to the surface. I just want to run. I want to be some place where nobody knows me.

CarolD

Hmmm....
money is tight at your house just now
this is not a good time to spend anything on drinking.

Why not start dinner...pick up the house..maybe do a load
of dirty clothes .......then her anger might be deflected.

It sure won't be with your drinking tonight...

Mark75

Well Jed, sounds like you have a problem with alcohol and that you may have come to the right place. Sounds like your wife is concerned too. Hmm... only thing is, it doesn't sound like you have the willingness you need to quit drinking, and possibly more important, the ability to be rigorously honest with yourself.

Those things are necessary to recover from alcoholism.

Keep posting.

Mark

justjo

The only reason I have replied is because I care about you. Its a hard road this addiction and you will hear this many times "you have to help yourself" . My sister passed away only 2 weeks ago from alcoholism. She was only 41. She gave up because she thought there was no other way. Know that the people in your life do love you, even when you are having bad times. Im no expert but seriously, talk to yourself and ask when is enough - enough. How much more pain do you have to go through. Death was my sisters, enough!
Jo

CarolD

Can you see why last nights run was ineffectual?
What did it solve or start to fix?

What would be different tonight when you go drinking?

Jed

Hi Mark. Why do you say it sounds like I have an inability to be honest with myself?

Jed

You're right. It was a threat. Nobody deserves that.

Jed

I honestly don't know. It's madness.

Mark75

Rigorously Honest...

Well... I did not say it to insult or anger you. Nor did I mean to imply that you are dishonest.

There were two things that struck me. The first was how described the situation with your wife, I got the impression that you may be minimizing the importance of her reactions to your drinking, maybe not. The other thing was your remarks about how you'd be OK if you could just control your drinking, it just seemed to me that there is some evidence to the contrary in your posts.

If I am being presumptuous please forgive me, maybe I spoke too soon. Being rigorously honest with one's self is essential for recovery.

Welcome to SR!

Mark

CarolD

Jed.....
Sorry you decided to log off.

I do hope you will return to share with us again.

All my best to you ..your wife and children

ElegantlyWasted

It's boring to me. The only excitement I had was drinking with some of the people after meetings. I thought there was too much hypocrisy there. No offense to anybody here. It's just my perspective."

As best I can figure out so far; there is hypocracy everywhere and the only thing that saved my a$$ was changing my perspective. We all have to play, but we can pick the game.

Jed

To be fair I'm posting the results of last night. I dropped my wife off at the house after picking her up from work (she doesn't drive). We'd had a talk before leaving for home that was not very productive. I dropped her off home, and decided I couldn't go inside. She was a bit surprised. I took off and basically drove around the block. I didn't know where to go and didn't want to run. I came home, had a nice breakdown discussion with my wife about abstaining from hard liquor. It's the only time I get into trouble. She wanted me to give up everything and I told her I would not give up wine and beer.

I have lived with this struggle for 30 years and I think I know myself better than anybody. My commitment to not drinking 80 proof is a serious one. I've disconnected myself with a friend who likes to come over every weekend and share a bottle. I saw what it was doing to myself and my family and decided to stop. That was 5 weeks ago. I continued to drink it on my own, but this is not working.

Thank you for your consideration. It's priceless to have a place to talk to people about this.

justjo

Jed, you know you have a problem, ask yourself the real reason you still need to fight the devil. Or ask yourself, who will win, you or the bottle?

CarolD

Best of everhing life has to offer to you and your family.


Here is a bit of information for you to think about....

Jed

I realize have have a problem, issue, sickness, disease. Name it anyway. Isn't it how you deal with problems that define us? I'm dealing with it the best way I know. What works for me certainly doesn't work for everybody. Don't mean to rock the boat here. Just being honest.

Jed

Yes Carol. I am well aware. I have been through detox, rehab and AA in my lifetime. Thing is, it's way too difficult for me to drink 22 beers. Now Tequila? I can do many ounces in a few hours. Again, just being honest. I stay between 4-12 beers on any given day. Sometimes none. I am not the average moderate drinker. I know that.

keithj

No you're not. This is exactly what Mark meant by the ability to be rigorously honest. You have the delusion that drinking 4-12 beers a night is not a problem. That's a lie. It is a problem, as evidenced by the difficulties with your wife. You have the delusion that it's her problem. That's a lie as well. Your drinking is the problem. Actually, you are the problem and the drinking is a symptom of you, but that's splitting hairs for now.

You have the delusion that everything will be OK if you stick to beer and wine only. That's the biggest lie of all. Ask around and see how many of us once believed that, until we proved it to ourselves that it was a lie.

The problem with this level of delusion is that we don't know we are lying. We really believe that we are unique and special and different and that the rules that apply to everyone else who drinks like us, don't apply to us.

If you want to keep drinking, have at it. If you want to stop drinking, this place can help.

Jed

Kieth, I appreciate your perspective. I have heard this argument before. I realize I painted a not-to-pretty picture yesterday. I am at a low point in my life. I am recently unemployed and fighting with that agency to get assistance. I see myself being forced out of my home in a months time if this doesn't change. I'm stressed.

I consider my self fortunate to have a happy marriage, awesome kids, dogs, the whole works. I live in a nice neighborhood and have a decent car, nice hobbys and a healthy extended family. I do appreciate your insight. It's just not for me. I've been doing this for 30 years and I never stop learning.

I realize I am not the poster boy for AA or any of that. I came here to express myself and get some help. I think it worked. I did not go out last night and get drunk. I stayed home, watched TV with my wife and had 3 beers in the course of 3 hours.

Everything about this is not black and white to me. That's what I never got about AA. Although, there were older folks there that told me they drink wine once in a while and it was okay with them. Just not something they broadcast at the meetings. Again, I appreciate your thoughts and if it works for you, God Bless.

Charmie

hello jed and welcome to sr.over a 20 year period i tried phsychiatrists,doctors,pills,councillors,detox,reh ab,AA,geographicals,different partners.you name it.none of it worked for me either,because honestly i was still holding on to the corner of the towel.you see i suffered from a mental obsession,that one day i would be able to drink like "normal" folk,that if only i could control it,i would do better next time,swore off hard liqour,changed drinking buddies or establishments.indeed i just drank beer nearly all the time for the last 3 years of my drinking.being i am an alcoholic and that has nothing to do with the amount or what i drink.it is what it does to me.i got back to AA at the begining of this year,with an honest desire to get and stay sober.i was done,i was beat.i conceded to my inner most self that i was never going to win the game.it was time for this alki to give up the fight.and my how things have changed.funny enough the 12 steps of AA work for me now.AA didnt work i was taken to my first meeting at the age of 18 (i wasnt old enough surely???!!) and they didnt four years ago,when i was escorted from a locked phsyc ward,with all my hair shaved off and my arms all slashed to ribbons (i wasnt insane!!!).the Gift of Desperation has been my life saver.i hope you dont have to go too much further down the line jed before you get that gift.i lost my 17 year old daughter 4 and a half years ago too.she went to live 400 miles away with my sister.i thought it would never happen to me and it did.this illness will tell us lies until we die or go insane.