In and out of denial
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi all,
Gianna, you're saying all the right things here. I'd say them again but I'd just be kicking a dead horse and don't think I could say your words nearly as well as you did.
Wife, I tend to be short and to the point. Your husband is playing you like a cheap flute. Yup, he has mixed emotions and his head is scrambled and that's good....that's how this thing works. I went through the same thing. My wife came into AA almost 28 years ago, almost a year before I did. I was still drinking and going to Al-Anon for that year. She asked only a couple things of me and one was not to drink in the house. Otherwise, she left me alone except to invite me to OPEN AA meetings on ocassion. Her AA friends told her to "LEAVE HIM ALONE." Take care of yourself. I wasn't abusive physically to my wife or kids. Almost a year past and one day I got wat many call a "momment of clarity" I call it "hitting my bottom." I came to the realization that I was nothing but a drunken irresponsible bum and I was ashamed of myself, to the point that I'd had enough and wanted to change. I was scared of what was ahead but I was more afraid of continuing on the path I was on. Turned out it was a good thing because my wife had reached the point that she was ready to kick my butt to the curb after that year was up. I made it by 23 days....whewww!
Now, your choice is as I see it; you can continue on the way things are and set some ground rules for him and goals for yourself, or depending on whether you've had enough at this point, kick the boy to the curb under the condition that you'll be there when he gets cleaned up. I don't know what more to say. If you've invested enough in trying to keep things together or not, that's your call.
Please keep us posted though. We're here to support.
Gianna, you're saying all the right things here. I'd say them again but I'd just be kicking a dead horse and don't think I could say your words nearly as well as you did.
Wife, I tend to be short and to the point. Your husband is playing you like a cheap flute. Yup, he has mixed emotions and his head is scrambled and that's good....that's how this thing works. I went through the same thing. My wife came into AA almost 28 years ago, almost a year before I did. I was still drinking and going to Al-Anon for that year. She asked only a couple things of me and one was not to drink in the house. Otherwise, she left me alone except to invite me to OPEN AA meetings on ocassion. Her AA friends told her to "LEAVE HIM ALONE." Take care of yourself. I wasn't abusive physically to my wife or kids. Almost a year past and one day I got wat many call a "momment of clarity" I call it "hitting my bottom." I came to the realization that I was nothing but a drunken irresponsible bum and I was ashamed of myself, to the point that I'd had enough and wanted to change. I was scared of what was ahead but I was more afraid of continuing on the path I was on. Turned out it was a good thing because my wife had reached the point that she was ready to kick my butt to the curb after that year was up. I made it by 23 days....whewww!
Now, your choice is as I see it; you can continue on the way things are and set some ground rules for him and goals for yourself, or depending on whether you've had enough at this point, kick the boy to the curb under the condition that you'll be there when he gets cleaned up. I don't know what more to say. If you've invested enough in trying to keep things together or not, that's your call.
Please keep us posted though. We're here to support.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Danielle,
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I can honestly share with you that what Music has said.......is the truth.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE" is one of the hardest things to do. Danielle, I have read repeatedly through this thread that you are trying to help him, trying to figure him out, and trying to find answers for him.
Danielle....... get help for YOU. There is nothing that you can do about his drinking or his choices. Your husband is in denial. Let him be there. Back off, take care of you by going to Alanon Meetings. The people that you will see and meet at Alanon meetings all know exactly where you are at on the inside.........they have been there too. If anyone see you at this Alanon meeting, please know that they are there for the SAME reason that you are.... to get better one day at a time.
When attending Alanon meetings, and working it. The focus will be learning to live your own life, to take care of you.....no matter what your husband decides to do or not do.
I don't know if your husband will stop drinking and attend AA meetings or not. The truth is that there is NOTHING you can do or not do to "make" him do anything. Giving him an ultimatum, and not following through or wavering back and forth will keep YOU nuts and feeling crazy whether he stops drinking or not. STOP.... and do what you need to do for YOU..... get to Alanon meetings. They have a solution for the insanity that YOU are going through.
Do it for YOU....not for him, or to get him sober. It simply doesn't work that way. Getting him sober is not only NOT your job..... but its impossible. We can not make someone stop drinking and we can not make someone drink...its that simple. Helping yourself IS your job.
Please get to Alanon meetings. The insanity of him not being able to see that he has a drinking problem, and refuses to attend AA meetings is his stuff.....that is not your problem, its his. Let him own it.
I would suggest doing the only thing that you DO have any control over at all.......... YOU and making the decision to take care of YOU by attending Alanon meetings..... do it for you hon
Know that you are not alone, and that there are halls full of people just like you and they have a solution to pass on to you (((((((((((((((Danielle)))))))))))))))))
Love
Patsy
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I can honestly share with you that what Music has said.......is the truth.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE" is one of the hardest things to do. Danielle, I have read repeatedly through this thread that you are trying to help him, trying to figure him out, and trying to find answers for him.
Danielle....... get help for YOU. There is nothing that you can do about his drinking or his choices. Your husband is in denial. Let him be there. Back off, take care of you by going to Alanon Meetings. The people that you will see and meet at Alanon meetings all know exactly where you are at on the inside.........they have been there too. If anyone see you at this Alanon meeting, please know that they are there for the SAME reason that you are.... to get better one day at a time.
When attending Alanon meetings, and working it. The focus will be learning to live your own life, to take care of you.....no matter what your husband decides to do or not do.
I don't know if your husband will stop drinking and attend AA meetings or not. The truth is that there is NOTHING you can do or not do to "make" him do anything. Giving him an ultimatum, and not following through or wavering back and forth will keep YOU nuts and feeling crazy whether he stops drinking or not. STOP.... and do what you need to do for YOU..... get to Alanon meetings. They have a solution for the insanity that YOU are going through.
Do it for YOU....not for him, or to get him sober. It simply doesn't work that way. Getting him sober is not only NOT your job..... but its impossible. We can not make someone stop drinking and we can not make someone drink...its that simple. Helping yourself IS your job.
Please get to Alanon meetings. The insanity of him not being able to see that he has a drinking problem, and refuses to attend AA meetings is his stuff.....that is not your problem, its his. Let him own it.
I would suggest doing the only thing that you DO have any control over at all.......... YOU and making the decision to take care of YOU by attending Alanon meetings..... do it for you hon
Know that you are not alone, and that there are halls full of people just like you and they have a solution to pass on to you (((((((((((((((Danielle)))))))))))))))))
Love
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Hey everybody!
Thanks...You guys all give GREAT advice...Now, he acts like he WILL go to AA...I am going to find out the places and times and everything today......I am still scared though because he can "quit" sometimes for a couple weeks, but I haven't seen him permanently quit in the 12 years that we've been together...It never was as bad as the last 2 years though, I must say...My co-worker says I have the patience of a saint..I tell her that I don't have patience...It's just that if he DOES get help, I will be there...She probably thinks I should just get a divorce....He has been kicked out, and I had even stayed at my mom's for 2 weeks with the kids...That's why he would say that he knows he's losing his family...If you knew him before the last 2 years when he had gone downhill, he was the "greatest" dad everyone would say, really close with our 2 girls...coached soccer, "Mr. Mom" type, really affectionate, family oriented, people person, cooks huge meals and invites all my family over every Sunday, .....but this disease can happen to "good people" I guess...You all seem like great people too....Now, if I can get him to where you all are.......
Thanks...You guys all give GREAT advice...Now, he acts like he WILL go to AA...I am going to find out the places and times and everything today......I am still scared though because he can "quit" sometimes for a couple weeks, but I haven't seen him permanently quit in the 12 years that we've been together...It never was as bad as the last 2 years though, I must say...My co-worker says I have the patience of a saint..I tell her that I don't have patience...It's just that if he DOES get help, I will be there...She probably thinks I should just get a divorce....He has been kicked out, and I had even stayed at my mom's for 2 weeks with the kids...That's why he would say that he knows he's losing his family...If you knew him before the last 2 years when he had gone downhill, he was the "greatest" dad everyone would say, really close with our 2 girls...coached soccer, "Mr. Mom" type, really affectionate, family oriented, people person, cooks huge meals and invites all my family over every Sunday, .....but this disease can happen to "good people" I guess...You all seem like great people too....Now, if I can get him to where you all are.......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Good morning again EndofRoad,
You wrote:
"I am going to find out the places and times and everything today.."
Why do you insist on enableing this guy. Let him find out where to go and at what time. He's a big boy. He knows all the places to buy booze and where to go to drink it. If he wants to sober up bad enough, he'll do the work.
You wrote:
"I am going to find out the places and times and everything today.."
Why do you insist on enableing this guy. Let him find out where to go and at what time. He's a big boy. He knows all the places to buy booze and where to go to drink it. If he wants to sober up bad enough, he'll do the work.
Last edited by Music; 09-24-2003 at 08:43 AM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hi Danielle,
I am glad you are getting help here. If your husband goes to his first AA meeting the seed will be planted (and his drinking will be ruined). Don't tell him this-he might bolt.
The seed will be PLANTED, but there is no telling how long it might take to root. So...back to this: You really need to go to Al-Anon! That was a thought that ran through everyone's post here, and you have not mentioned it in your last two posts. I know you think if he stops drinking, well, that will be great, and the end of it. But, I doubt if it is going to happen like that, and you are doing yourself a great disservice if you do not avail yourself of the wisdom and understanding of those great people in Al-Anon. I went to both AA and Al-Anon (my husband was a recovering alcoholic) and I got so much of value from the fellowship of Al-Anon I will be forever grateful.
This is only a suggestion, as is everything in AA and related programs, but I have come to have much warmth of feeling for you, and really hope you do this.
Gianna
I am glad you are getting help here. If your husband goes to his first AA meeting the seed will be planted (and his drinking will be ruined). Don't tell him this-he might bolt.
The seed will be PLANTED, but there is no telling how long it might take to root. So...back to this: You really need to go to Al-Anon! That was a thought that ran through everyone's post here, and you have not mentioned it in your last two posts. I know you think if he stops drinking, well, that will be great, and the end of it. But, I doubt if it is going to happen like that, and you are doing yourself a great disservice if you do not avail yourself of the wisdom and understanding of those great people in Al-Anon. I went to both AA and Al-Anon (my husband was a recovering alcoholic) and I got so much of value from the fellowship of Al-Anon I will be forever grateful.
This is only a suggestion, as is everything in AA and related programs, but I have come to have much warmth of feeling for you, and really hope you do this.
Gianna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Oh, by the way, the stories are in "Your Recovery Story" in the General Forums section. Tell him to read some of those. One of the first things that happens in AA is you discover (to most people's dismay and relief at the same time) that you are NOT UNIQUE. Takes some getting used to...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Gianna,
I know...Actually, I am going to check out Al-Anon today too just to make sure it is still at 7:30 on Friday at a church here in my hometown...I'm also going to check out some other listings...I am going to FORCE myself to go....Once I go, I'll probably be fine..It's just me taking that initial step to go....I have been learning a lot on here....Especially the part I couldn't understand was how he would be so remorseful and cry because he knew he was losing us (because I would tell him to get an apartment down there and NOT come home because I was sick of living like this)...so, he would say he was soo sorry only to that night (not come home like I told him), but he would be drinking again...But you told me how they feel sorry for themselves "poor me, pour me another drink"........and then Don said he used to do the same thing that drinking would give him a false sense of security even while his world was falling apart.......And that's exactly what I have been dealing with.....It really helps to understand that end of it....After I go on Friday, I will post to how it all went......I am scared to go though I have to admit...(I guess I keep thinking that I'm not the one with the problem, so why me go......but I know me dealing with him,,,,I DO HAVE THE PROBLEM...HIM..HE HAS THE PROBLEM AND IT MAKES MY WHOLE FAMILY HAVE THE PROBLEM..So, I know I should go...I will check and make sure it is still there at 7:30...Thanks a lot for all your help...I do keep referring to you to him...So, he understands he is not alone....Thanks!
I know...Actually, I am going to check out Al-Anon today too just to make sure it is still at 7:30 on Friday at a church here in my hometown...I'm also going to check out some other listings...I am going to FORCE myself to go....Once I go, I'll probably be fine..It's just me taking that initial step to go....I have been learning a lot on here....Especially the part I couldn't understand was how he would be so remorseful and cry because he knew he was losing us (because I would tell him to get an apartment down there and NOT come home because I was sick of living like this)...so, he would say he was soo sorry only to that night (not come home like I told him), but he would be drinking again...But you told me how they feel sorry for themselves "poor me, pour me another drink"........and then Don said he used to do the same thing that drinking would give him a false sense of security even while his world was falling apart.......And that's exactly what I have been dealing with.....It really helps to understand that end of it....After I go on Friday, I will post to how it all went......I am scared to go though I have to admit...(I guess I keep thinking that I'm not the one with the problem, so why me go......but I know me dealing with him,,,,I DO HAVE THE PROBLEM...HIM..HE HAS THE PROBLEM AND IT MAKES MY WHOLE FAMILY HAVE THE PROBLEM..So, I know I should go...I will check and make sure it is still there at 7:30...Thanks a lot for all your help...I do keep referring to you to him...So, he understands he is not alone....Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Hi Danielle,
Actually.... your husbands problem is his, the booze, and him.
Your problem is not your husband.....its the booze, and you.
Keep it simple Danielle, this is NOT about your husband or his drinking, thats his problem...... Going to alanon is about you and what you can do about YOU... thats your problem
Love to you
Patsy
Actually.... your husbands problem is his, the booze, and him.
Your problem is not your husband.....its the booze, and you.
Keep it simple Danielle, this is NOT about your husband or his drinking, thats his problem...... Going to alanon is about you and what you can do about YOU... thats your problem
Love to you
Patsy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hello MrEndof theRoad,
We are glad to see you here!! You are in good, interesting, intelligent, sympathetic company here; we have all been where you are. I know this seems bizarre and wierd, but believe me when I say I never could have appreciated the riches I have received (and found within myself) when I didn't drink one day at a time.
A little about me: I am 58, with a family who love me, and a great career in New York City. While I might have gotten to 58 drinking, I never would have had the last two. Right now, I am back 3 weeks today, after a (I hope last!) time of drinking. This site has been wonderful. 3 weeks ago I found this place in the middle of an alcohol-induced 3AM anxiety attack. Had I not found this, I do not like to think where my life was headed.
My first encounter with AA was 20+ years ago, and out of that 20 I have probably spent 17 of them sober. What happened? I forgot who I was (an alcoholic) and went back to drinking, trying to control it-failing every day. What a blow to my self-esteem and that was the least of it. Back to forgetting who I was, I drifted out of AA and lost that connection of caring people. (I guarantee you my drinking buddies haven't missed me.) We alcoholics are an invaluable resource to each other, providing information, concern, sympathy, friendship, and a lot of laughs. I also think sober alcoholics are at the forefront of the people I know whom I consider talented, interesting and insightful.
So much for the sales pitch, just stick around, glad to have you!
gianna
We are glad to see you here!! You are in good, interesting, intelligent, sympathetic company here; we have all been where you are. I know this seems bizarre and wierd, but believe me when I say I never could have appreciated the riches I have received (and found within myself) when I didn't drink one day at a time.
A little about me: I am 58, with a family who love me, and a great career in New York City. While I might have gotten to 58 drinking, I never would have had the last two. Right now, I am back 3 weeks today, after a (I hope last!) time of drinking. This site has been wonderful. 3 weeks ago I found this place in the middle of an alcohol-induced 3AM anxiety attack. Had I not found this, I do not like to think where my life was headed.
My first encounter with AA was 20+ years ago, and out of that 20 I have probably spent 17 of them sober. What happened? I forgot who I was (an alcoholic) and went back to drinking, trying to control it-failing every day. What a blow to my self-esteem and that was the least of it. Back to forgetting who I was, I drifted out of AA and lost that connection of caring people. (I guarantee you my drinking buddies haven't missed me.) We alcoholics are an invaluable resource to each other, providing information, concern, sympathy, friendship, and a lot of laughs. I also think sober alcoholics are at the forefront of the people I know whom I consider talented, interesting and insightful.
So much for the sales pitch, just stick around, glad to have you!
gianna
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Patsy,
I guess I keep forgetting about myself in the midst of it all....You know how you just get so caught up in it all, you lose sight of yourself. You just keep wanting to help the person.....that is almost becomes your only "obsessive thought".....That's probably why I need that Al-Anon....You kind've wish you could "do it" for them...I am going to have to work on focusing on myself....
I guess I keep forgetting about myself in the midst of it all....You know how you just get so caught up in it all, you lose sight of yourself. You just keep wanting to help the person.....that is almost becomes your only "obsessive thought".....That's probably why I need that Al-Anon....You kind've wish you could "do it" for them...I am going to have to work on focusing on myself....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
((((((((((((Danielle))))))))))))))) YES I know only too well the obsession with THEM. That is why I can share with you honestly....... that its not about THEM Danielle......its about taking care of US, no matter what THEY choose to do or or not do.
I love ya, and yes I have been right where you are at, and I know its not fun, it can be very very painful. Do it for you Danielle..... this is about YOU and YOUR recovery. Allow him to own whats HIS.........and you own whats yours
I love ya,
Patsy
I love ya, and yes I have been right where you are at, and I know its not fun, it can be very very painful. Do it for you Danielle..... this is about YOU and YOUR recovery. Allow him to own whats HIS.........and you own whats yours
I love ya,
Patsy
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 4
I want to 1st thank all of you guys for keeping my wifes head on straight.... I can tell you that I have been trying to unscrew it for quite some time.... It seems like you guys know whatyou are talking about.... and I appreciate the help....
My wife is definately a Saint and does not deserve what I put her through... nobody does.... now the million dollar question is..... why do I do what I do and how can I quit? I think that when I explain that I DO NOT know why I do what I do... 'I am crazy'... I know that I can drive past the bar and go home... but believe me when I tell you......."I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE"....why do I do that? I never used to drink as amny days as I do now, but I always was never able to drink a few and go home... "1 is too many and 100 is not enough"... crazy, huh?...
My wife is definately a Saint and does not deserve what I put her through... nobody does.... now the million dollar question is..... why do I do what I do and how can I quit? I think that when I explain that I DO NOT know why I do what I do... 'I am crazy'... I know that I can drive past the bar and go home... but believe me when I tell you......."I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE"....why do I do that? I never used to drink as amny days as I do now, but I always was never able to drink a few and go home... "1 is too many and 100 is not enough"... crazy, huh?...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 261
Love ya too! ((((((((((((Patsy)))))))).....
P.S. If you see my husband on here, MrEndoftheRoad on here, just so you guys know,,,that we work 1 hour and 15 minutes from each other..I was just thinking to myself that I hope these people don't think we are weird and we are taking turns getting on the computer, but we are both at our workplaces during the day.... ha I just had to say that LOL I know it's silly for me to even say......I've been encouraging him to get on here and today he must've decided to.......
P.S. If you see my husband on here, MrEndoftheRoad on here, just so you guys know,,,that we work 1 hour and 15 minutes from each other..I was just thinking to myself that I hope these people don't think we are weird and we are taking turns getting on the computer, but we are both at our workplaces during the day....
ha I just had to say that LOL I know it's silly for me to even say......I've been encouraging him to get on here and today he must've decided to.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
and we need you MrEndoftheRoad. That is why we are all here-we need each other.
As for not being able to pass the bar without wanting to go in...well, I just don't pass it these days. Out of sight out of mind (this will take 4-5 days at the very least. Be patient, have courage).
That said, I ran into not one, but TWO of the bartenders on my way to work this morning. One of them said to me, "Hey! We haven't seen you in ages!" (I WAS a popular person...) and then he said "Come by and have some tea or coke."
HMM? I wonder if he noticed... In any case, I can have tea and coke anywhere and the last place I need to remind myself of is that bar.
Please stick around, and keep coming back if you don't get sober and stay that way from Day 1. Which is not to say, don't try, only to say, this disease is powerful and one of the hardest things to do, is come back after a drink. Just know, though, that you will always find a sincere welcome here and in AA; everyone of us knows how tough this is.
Gianna
As for not being able to pass the bar without wanting to go in...well, I just don't pass it these days. Out of sight out of mind (this will take 4-5 days at the very least. Be patient, have courage).
That said, I ran into not one, but TWO of the bartenders on my way to work this morning. One of them said to me, "Hey! We haven't seen you in ages!" (I WAS a popular person...) and then he said "Come by and have some tea or coke."
HMM? I wonder if he noticed... In any case, I can have tea and coke anywhere and the last place I need to remind myself of is that bar.
Please stick around, and keep coming back if you don't get sober and stay that way from Day 1. Which is not to say, don't try, only to say, this disease is powerful and one of the hardest things to do, is come back after a drink. Just know, though, that you will always find a sincere welcome here and in AA; everyone of us knows how tough this is.
Gianna
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Well, Hi there MrEndoftheRoad,
We finally meet....You wrote:
"My wife is definately a Saint and does not deserve what I put her through... nobody does.... now the million dollar question is..... why do I do what I do and how can I quit? I think that when I explain that I DO NOT know why I do what I do... 'I am crazy'... I know that I can drive past the bar and go home... but believe me when I tell you......."I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE"....why do I do that? I never used to drink as amny days as I do now, but I always was never able to drink a few and go home... "1 is too many and 100 is not enough"... crazy, huh?..."
I believe my wife is a saint also but there's a payoff. Sometimes it's easier to live with someone we're familiar with no matter how bad it gets than to move on into the unknown where it's scarey. Your wife has to hit her bottom with you just as we alkies have to hit our own bottom with alcohol.
I drank the way I did for as long as I did because I knew no other way and that's how alkies drink. I didn't know why I drank, still don't have much of a clue; I think I have an idea but I'm not sure we ever "really" know why. There could be physiological reasons, emotional reasons...who knows? The question is have I had enough? Have you had enough to do whatever it takes to quit? Yeah, you're crazy alright...like a fox. Just like me, you know exactly what to say and/or what to do to drink. And, you know what to do to get sober....have you hurt bad enough yet to do what it takes? Do you think there's been enough hell and havoc created in your family to do whatever it takes? You said, "I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE!" All you have to do is to come up with ONE reason NOT to stop there. Nobody at that bar is going to give you a good reason to stop going there. I have one though! YOU CAN'T GET SOBER AND LEARN TO LIVE A HAPPY, LOVING LIFE WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY BY STOPPING IN THE BAR. You notice I said a "happy, loving life with yourself." That's because you have to learn to be happy with yourself and learn to love and respect yourself, then you can know what it is to really love and be happy with your family.
You said, "1 is too many and 100 is not enough." Hell, no self-respecting drunk is going to admit to drinking too much. There's no such thing as drinking too much....there's only drinking just enough to hit the bottom you need to hit in order to make some changes. If that means losing your wife and family, then that's what it takes. Maybe that's all it'll take. Some drunks just DIE, beaten and alone, but not until they end up locked up in jail or the asylum.
You know what's going on here....or you wouldn't be here. Now it's your turn. If you need a doctor, get a doctor. If what you need is an AA meeting, go to a meeting. There's a saying around AA that goes, "If you keep doing what you always did, you'll keep getting what you always got!" If nothing changes, nothing changes. MAKE SOME CHANGES...
We finally meet....You wrote:
"My wife is definately a Saint and does not deserve what I put her through... nobody does.... now the million dollar question is..... why do I do what I do and how can I quit? I think that when I explain that I DO NOT know why I do what I do... 'I am crazy'... I know that I can drive past the bar and go home... but believe me when I tell you......."I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE"....why do I do that? I never used to drink as amny days as I do now, but I always was never able to drink a few and go home... "1 is too many and 100 is not enough"... crazy, huh?..."
I believe my wife is a saint also but there's a payoff. Sometimes it's easier to live with someone we're familiar with no matter how bad it gets than to move on into the unknown where it's scarey. Your wife has to hit her bottom with you just as we alkies have to hit our own bottom with alcohol.
I drank the way I did for as long as I did because I knew no other way and that's how alkies drink. I didn't know why I drank, still don't have much of a clue; I think I have an idea but I'm not sure we ever "really" know why. There could be physiological reasons, emotional reasons...who knows? The question is have I had enough? Have you had enough to do whatever it takes to quit? Yeah, you're crazy alright...like a fox. Just like me, you know exactly what to say and/or what to do to drink. And, you know what to do to get sober....have you hurt bad enough yet to do what it takes? Do you think there's been enough hell and havoc created in your family to do whatever it takes? You said, "I CAN THINK OF A MILLION REASONS WHY TO STOP THERE!" All you have to do is to come up with ONE reason NOT to stop there. Nobody at that bar is going to give you a good reason to stop going there. I have one though! YOU CAN'T GET SOBER AND LEARN TO LIVE A HAPPY, LOVING LIFE WITH YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY BY STOPPING IN THE BAR. You notice I said a "happy, loving life with yourself." That's because you have to learn to be happy with yourself and learn to love and respect yourself, then you can know what it is to really love and be happy with your family.
You said, "1 is too many and 100 is not enough." Hell, no self-respecting drunk is going to admit to drinking too much. There's no such thing as drinking too much....there's only drinking just enough to hit the bottom you need to hit in order to make some changes. If that means losing your wife and family, then that's what it takes. Maybe that's all it'll take. Some drunks just DIE, beaten and alone, but not until they end up locked up in jail or the asylum.
You know what's going on here....or you wouldn't be here. Now it's your turn. If you need a doctor, get a doctor. If what you need is an AA meeting, go to a meeting. There's a saying around AA that goes, "If you keep doing what you always did, you'll keep getting what you always got!" If nothing changes, nothing changes. MAKE SOME CHANGES...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
To EndofRoadWife
I just want to invite you to visit the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums here too. There are lots of wonderful people, just like you (and ME ha ha) over there who would welcome you and share their experience, strength and hope. Take a peek and see how you like us.
And Happy Birthday!!! Hope you have a wonderful day.
Hugs
Ann
I just want to invite you to visit the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon forums here too. There are lots of wonderful people, just like you (and ME ha ha) over there who would welcome you and share their experience, strength and hope. Take a peek and see how you like us.
And Happy Birthday!!! Hope you have a wonderful day.
Hugs
Ann
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