desperate plea for help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: *, *
Posts: 3
desperate plea for help
I am the adult child of an alcoholic. Both my parents are Alcoholics. Growing up, I remember feeling pure hatred toward beer companies. I remember wishing that someone would blow them up. I even told myself that when I got old enough, I'd blow them up.
My drinking never really became a problem until my husband and I bought a house and moved into the country away from our friends. That was two years ago.
Every morning I wake up and tell myself "okay, I won't drink today" but I do. For no apparent reason. I feel helpless to stop once I start. I have suffered in school, I've isolated friends, I am only 24 . How could this be happening? It's like I can see it happening, and I can't do anything about it. I am ashamed, embarrassed and feel extremely guilty. If anyone should know better, I should. Drinking ruined my childhood, forced me and my brothers to live in foster homes for periods thru our childhood. Drinking broke up my parents and I watch alcohol kill my dad almost every day. I can't believe this is happening to me, but it is. I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me?
My drinking never really became a problem until my husband and I bought a house and moved into the country away from our friends. That was two years ago.
Every morning I wake up and tell myself "okay, I won't drink today" but I do. For no apparent reason. I feel helpless to stop once I start. I have suffered in school, I've isolated friends, I am only 24 . How could this be happening? It's like I can see it happening, and I can't do anything about it. I am ashamed, embarrassed and feel extremely guilty. If anyone should know better, I should. Drinking ruined my childhood, forced me and my brothers to live in foster homes for periods thru our childhood. Drinking broke up my parents and I watch alcohol kill my dad almost every day. I can't believe this is happening to me, but it is. I don't know what to do. Can someone please help me?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi Kaytena, glad to see you've come to this board. You'll find many understanding and caring people here.
I, too, experienced problems of alcohol in my growing up years and grew to hate what it could do to a person. I never drank until I was about 46 years old and then for almost three years - I became my mother. It was shocking to me! I realized that I felt worthless and deserved nothing good in my life and that was what I brought to me. Now, I am beginning to welcome good things into my life and to feel comfortable with them. I have been sober for three years.
If being sober is your choice, you can do it too. You'll find a lot of support and information on this board.
Anna
I, too, experienced problems of alcohol in my growing up years and grew to hate what it could do to a person. I never drank until I was about 46 years old and then for almost three years - I became my mother. It was shocking to me! I realized that I felt worthless and deserved nothing good in my life and that was what I brought to me. Now, I am beginning to welcome good things into my life and to feel comfortable with them. I have been sober for three years.
If being sober is your choice, you can do it too. You'll find a lot of support and information on this board.
Anna
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
kayenta
Hi kayenta......first off I want to hug you, I see your pain here, and how sad and desperate you are.
Sorry this demon has got you too, grrrr to it.
I am an alcoholic myself, I've just recently come to terms with it, being able to come out and say it. I chose to drink because of stupid reasons myself, you know....like if you can't beat him join him, and then the rest is history....meaning my hubby (slapping him, kicking him, pinching him, biting him), ahhhh now I feel much better, haha, can't you feel the love. I have to say I'm not a violent person, honest, that was just a passing thought. Wink!
Gosh I have so much to say here and really don't know where to begin, but if you really want out of this insanity that's up to YOU, and there is so much help out there waiting for you, you'd be amazed how many will reach out to you, knowing full well what a living hell this is.
My parents didn't drink, well my father did, but my mother made sure she took control of him on that, other wise I don't know how that would of went. But I feel so saddened here for you, because I have children myself, a girl 21, and a son 23, and you know what, knowing what I have done drinking while they grew up makes me so sick, ashamed, you name it, I see you using the same words. My kids are ok, though, I've talked and talked to them, tried to explain this illness, told them don't let this foolishness ruin their lives, hec it's just not worth it, like I said NO parent would intentionally harm their child.
We'll ALCOHOLISM is a disease, an illness, only reasoning for our behaviour,,,there's no way parents would intentionally harm there kids, so you see what this awful demon does to people.
But you know what, you have to deal with your parents drinking, put it behind you, (easier said then done I know) this life can be hard enough without carrying that baggage behind you, it serves no purpose, does no one any good, and to think of how WONDERFUL life can be sober, wow wee I say to that, it won't make it perfect, but hec.
I really wish I could help you here. Have you thought about going to an AA meeting? It's a wonderful place to be, everyone welcomes you with open arms, they all know, everyone there has been hurt so bad with alcohol one way or another. I know how scarey that thought is going there may be for you, I'm sitting here thinking an even more scarier thought would be you sitting here at my age, still batteling this, DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?
Do you know how wonderful life would be SOBER, sit and think about it, no more hangovers, no more black outs, no more GUILT, SHAME, I could go on here, but you're fully aware of the ick, yuck that goes with this disease.
Anyway my heart goes out to you, and you know what you have found the most wonderful place here, so many will reach out to you and help, we are all in this together, time we moved forward, enough is enough.
I was given an addy for live AA meetings, they are tapes and wow so good to listen too, seeing I couldn't handle the meetings in person, I found them a bit over whelming, so the tapes are a blessing. If you want to check them out you need to get real player to hear them, it shows on the page how to get it.
http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/speakers.htm
Hugs young lady, and smile, you know what there is a bright shining light at the end of this dark rotten tunnel, and you will get lots of help, love, support and understanding from people here, smiling at that, you stumbled onto a great bunch girl.
Luv and hugs........Just Me.....Denise :fred
Sorry this demon has got you too, grrrr to it.
I am an alcoholic myself, I've just recently come to terms with it, being able to come out and say it. I chose to drink because of stupid reasons myself, you know....like if you can't beat him join him, and then the rest is history....meaning my hubby (slapping him, kicking him, pinching him, biting him), ahhhh now I feel much better, haha, can't you feel the love. I have to say I'm not a violent person, honest, that was just a passing thought. Wink!
Gosh I have so much to say here and really don't know where to begin, but if you really want out of this insanity that's up to YOU, and there is so much help out there waiting for you, you'd be amazed how many will reach out to you, knowing full well what a living hell this is.
My parents didn't drink, well my father did, but my mother made sure she took control of him on that, other wise I don't know how that would of went. But I feel so saddened here for you, because I have children myself, a girl 21, and a son 23, and you know what, knowing what I have done drinking while they grew up makes me so sick, ashamed, you name it, I see you using the same words. My kids are ok, though, I've talked and talked to them, tried to explain this illness, told them don't let this foolishness ruin their lives, hec it's just not worth it, like I said NO parent would intentionally harm their child.
We'll ALCOHOLISM is a disease, an illness, only reasoning for our behaviour,,,there's no way parents would intentionally harm there kids, so you see what this awful demon does to people.
But you know what, you have to deal with your parents drinking, put it behind you, (easier said then done I know) this life can be hard enough without carrying that baggage behind you, it serves no purpose, does no one any good, and to think of how WONDERFUL life can be sober, wow wee I say to that, it won't make it perfect, but hec.
I really wish I could help you here. Have you thought about going to an AA meeting? It's a wonderful place to be, everyone welcomes you with open arms, they all know, everyone there has been hurt so bad with alcohol one way or another. I know how scarey that thought is going there may be for you, I'm sitting here thinking an even more scarier thought would be you sitting here at my age, still batteling this, DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?
Do you know how wonderful life would be SOBER, sit and think about it, no more hangovers, no more black outs, no more GUILT, SHAME, I could go on here, but you're fully aware of the ick, yuck that goes with this disease.
Anyway my heart goes out to you, and you know what you have found the most wonderful place here, so many will reach out to you and help, we are all in this together, time we moved forward, enough is enough.
I was given an addy for live AA meetings, they are tapes and wow so good to listen too, seeing I couldn't handle the meetings in person, I found them a bit over whelming, so the tapes are a blessing. If you want to check them out you need to get real player to hear them, it shows on the page how to get it.
http://www.aaprimarypurpose.org/speakers.htm
Hugs young lady, and smile, you know what there is a bright shining light at the end of this dark rotten tunnel, and you will get lots of help, love, support and understanding from people here, smiling at that, you stumbled onto a great bunch girl.
Luv and hugs........Just Me.....Denise :fred
Last edited by wingsfree; 09-10-2003 at 07:37 AM.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: *, *
Posts: 3
I am in so much pain. It's so awful. I can't stand the life I've made for myself. I don't know about that first step, either. I'm terrified. I'm crying right now. I don't think I can do the AA meeting in person, but the tapes sound like a wonderful idea. I might look into them (later). I can't blame my husband any more. I married him knowing that he drank too much. I always thought I could help him. But (and I don't know why) I kind of succumbed to the "if you can't beat 'em join em" thing with the drinking and before I knew what happened, here I am and this is definitely not where I want to be. I'm scared. What if I can't do it. The thought of never drinking again is so sad. The thought of drinking somewhere down the road is okay, but it's not, is it?
Please talk to me people, if you read this. I need to know I'm not alone in this battle. Where to begin? I have homework to do and papers to write, but I can't concentrate if I have all this baggage to deal with. And I know it needs dealt with now, not later. I've put off dealing with it for too long.
Please talk to me people, if you read this. I need to know I'm not alone in this battle. Where to begin? I have homework to do and papers to write, but I can't concentrate if I have all this baggage to deal with. And I know it needs dealt with now, not later. I've put off dealing with it for too long.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi Kayenta,
I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.
Going to my first AA meeting was terrifying. I fought it for a long time and only went as a last resort. Once there, I found it to be helpful and not all that scary. If you can't do that read some of the posts here. They are full of information and inspiration.
Thinking about not drinking again is sad, but I believe that's a phase. You are mourning the loss of a friend, probably a best friend, possibly your only reliable friend. It's a dreadful loss. The good news is you will find you are much stronger than you thought. You will be in control of your life and you will be able to be aside the need for alcohol and all the obsessiveness in your life that goes with that. You will have freedom. Don't think about never drinking again. It will drive you crazy. One day at a time really works and if not, just one hour or one minute at a time.
Keep the faith and let me know how you are doing.
Hugs to you and love,
Anna
I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now.
Going to my first AA meeting was terrifying. I fought it for a long time and only went as a last resort. Once there, I found it to be helpful and not all that scary. If you can't do that read some of the posts here. They are full of information and inspiration.
Thinking about not drinking again is sad, but I believe that's a phase. You are mourning the loss of a friend, probably a best friend, possibly your only reliable friend. It's a dreadful loss. The good news is you will find you are much stronger than you thought. You will be in control of your life and you will be able to be aside the need for alcohol and all the obsessiveness in your life that goes with that. You will have freedom. Don't think about never drinking again. It will drive you crazy. One day at a time really works and if not, just one hour or one minute at a time.
Keep the faith and let me know how you are doing.
Hugs to you and love,
Anna
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome
Bad childhood...Good childhood Rich or Poor Young or Old
makes no difference. Alcoholism is a disease....untreated it is progressive and incurable and fatal. No exceptions.
I suggest you get the facts on the disease then decide if you are interested in quitting.
I do hope you find your answers...AA gave me my solution.
makes no difference. Alcoholism is a disease....untreated it is progressive and incurable and fatal. No exceptions.
I suggest you get the facts on the disease then decide if you are interested in quitting.
I do hope you find your answers...AA gave me my solution.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: *, *
Posts: 3
I don't understand this "one day at a time" thing. When I wake up, I feel sick. This morning, for example, I woke up sick and groggy and feeling like sh*t. I think. Ugh, this sucks! I won't drink today.
But then. . . if it's one of the days that I don't have classes (like yesterday), 12:00 noon hits. I think of all the fun things I can do with my free day. I start with a beer. If there is no beer, I start with some wine. Then, when the wine is gone, I have a gin and 7-up or a rum and coke. Then, more gin and 7-ups. I watch TV and log onto the computer and play trivia games. Drinking all the time. . . empty and mindless.
My husband gets home at 5:30 (and he usually brings beer home). I have a couple of those beers and think "did I really just waste my whole day?" At around 7:30 or 8:00 I say, "well, I've had enough for today." I drink three or four glasses of water, go to bed around 9:00 (way too early, IM0) fall into a deep sleep, wake up around 3:00 (a.m.) feeling absolutely awful. I usually have to use the restroom, and then have a hard time falling back asleep. I wake up for good around 5:30 or 6:00 vowing not to do it.
I guess I can see how the progression went. I used to drink only on the weekends. Then (later) only in the evenings. Then I'd start around 2:00 in the afternoon. Now I find myself starting at 11:30 or noon. (Once even at 10:45).
I can go without a day. On Wednesdays I have class until 8:20 p.m. and I find are those are the easiest. One day a week sober, great job. Whatever. Sometimes I think the only reason I can get thru Wednesdays is knowing that I have Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays free. It's a cycle and I feel so helpless. . but at the same time, I feel like it's inevitable. What can I do?? I can probably make it thru today (wednesday) but that is no guarantee I'll be able to make it through tomorrow. . .
I don't wake up and hit the bottle. I was just reading a post by someone who said that they couldn't even have coffee or enjoy breakfast. I'm glad that I can at least have coffee in the morning. It's the clock that's hard for me. it's like when the clock hits noon, I feel like I should have a drink. Is that as bad as someone who wakes up and hits the bottle? I need that drink to look forward to. As a child, I looked forward to "growing up" and "getting out of the house" and "away from the drunkenness". Now I look forward to noon on weekdays so that I can drink. It's pathetic, I am pathetic, I don't deserve my life.
But then. . . if it's one of the days that I don't have classes (like yesterday), 12:00 noon hits. I think of all the fun things I can do with my free day. I start with a beer. If there is no beer, I start with some wine. Then, when the wine is gone, I have a gin and 7-up or a rum and coke. Then, more gin and 7-ups. I watch TV and log onto the computer and play trivia games. Drinking all the time. . . empty and mindless.
My husband gets home at 5:30 (and he usually brings beer home). I have a couple of those beers and think "did I really just waste my whole day?" At around 7:30 or 8:00 I say, "well, I've had enough for today." I drink three or four glasses of water, go to bed around 9:00 (way too early, IM0) fall into a deep sleep, wake up around 3:00 (a.m.) feeling absolutely awful. I usually have to use the restroom, and then have a hard time falling back asleep. I wake up for good around 5:30 or 6:00 vowing not to do it.
I guess I can see how the progression went. I used to drink only on the weekends. Then (later) only in the evenings. Then I'd start around 2:00 in the afternoon. Now I find myself starting at 11:30 or noon. (Once even at 10:45).
I can go without a day. On Wednesdays I have class until 8:20 p.m. and I find are those are the easiest. One day a week sober, great job. Whatever. Sometimes I think the only reason I can get thru Wednesdays is knowing that I have Thursdays and Fridays and Saturdays and Sundays free. It's a cycle and I feel so helpless. . but at the same time, I feel like it's inevitable. What can I do?? I can probably make it thru today (wednesday) but that is no guarantee I'll be able to make it through tomorrow. . .
I don't wake up and hit the bottle. I was just reading a post by someone who said that they couldn't even have coffee or enjoy breakfast. I'm glad that I can at least have coffee in the morning. It's the clock that's hard for me. it's like when the clock hits noon, I feel like I should have a drink. Is that as bad as someone who wakes up and hits the bottle? I need that drink to look forward to. As a child, I looked forward to "growing up" and "getting out of the house" and "away from the drunkenness". Now I look forward to noon on weekdays so that I can drink. It's pathetic, I am pathetic, I don't deserve my life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Life Is Short
Posts: 2,017
kayenta
kayenta.....TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS....let us help you here, RELAX here.
And guess what,,your human,,,far from being pathetic...Let us help you.
You deserve life like anyone else on this earth, so please don't ever be thinking that way. You have a problem, but you know what it can be fixed, you're here looking for help, well do you realise that's the biggest step in the right direction.
Hugs kayenta....there is hope here you know,,let us help...Denise
And guess what,,your human,,,far from being pathetic...Let us help you.
You deserve life like anyone else on this earth, so please don't ever be thinking that way. You have a problem, but you know what it can be fixed, you're here looking for help, well do you realise that's the biggest step in the right direction.
Hugs kayenta....there is hope here you know,,let us help...Denise
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Kayenta.Welcome to the forum.
First of all I want you to know that you are not alone. I too am the Adult child of an alcoholic.
After seeing what alcohol did to my family I swore that I would never become an alcoholic.
The shame and remorse I felt many years later when alcoholism had taken it's toll on my life is something I cannot describe.
There was a sense of helplessness and emptiness inside me that only someone who had experienced it could understand.
I dont have any solid answers as to why I too became an alcoholic after swearing an oath to myself but some people believe that the disease of alcoholism can be inherited from our parents.
All I know is that when the misery of growing up in a dysfunctional environment hit me the idea of drinking seemed like a viable option.
Suddenly alcohol became a wonderful means of escape from the worries of life.......if even for a moment.
After all I already knew the rules of the game.
Picking up that first drink and putting it to my lips was the easiest thing in the world to do but it opened a flood gate that remained open for twenty years.
I can understand your reservations about attending a face to face meeting right now and that is okay. However being able to connect with other people who had experienced the horrors of drinking provided a world of encouragement and support for me that was able to see me through some of the most difficult days of my life.
Although alcohol seems to be your immediate problem and needs to be addressed.I would also like to suggest that the check out the ACOA forum.
You may be able to pick up some useful information to better enable you to understand the enigmatic nature of alcoholism.
Don't take too much on yourself right now.
I know the questions are many and the answers few, but I assure you that in time more things will be revealed to you.
I know sometimes the sense of worthlessness and hopelessness can make us feel like disappearing forever off the face of the earth
but take heart in knowing that many who once suffered are now finding a better way to live.
Remember the first thing to focus on is not picking up that first drink.If you can resist the urge to take that first drink for even an hour at a time pretty soon you will find that will get a little easier.
Stay close and keep writing.
First of all I want you to know that you are not alone. I too am the Adult child of an alcoholic.
After seeing what alcohol did to my family I swore that I would never become an alcoholic.
The shame and remorse I felt many years later when alcoholism had taken it's toll on my life is something I cannot describe.
There was a sense of helplessness and emptiness inside me that only someone who had experienced it could understand.
I dont have any solid answers as to why I too became an alcoholic after swearing an oath to myself but some people believe that the disease of alcoholism can be inherited from our parents.
All I know is that when the misery of growing up in a dysfunctional environment hit me the idea of drinking seemed like a viable option.
Suddenly alcohol became a wonderful means of escape from the worries of life.......if even for a moment.
After all I already knew the rules of the game.
Picking up that first drink and putting it to my lips was the easiest thing in the world to do but it opened a flood gate that remained open for twenty years.
I can understand your reservations about attending a face to face meeting right now and that is okay. However being able to connect with other people who had experienced the horrors of drinking provided a world of encouragement and support for me that was able to see me through some of the most difficult days of my life.
Although alcohol seems to be your immediate problem and needs to be addressed.I would also like to suggest that the check out the ACOA forum.
You may be able to pick up some useful information to better enable you to understand the enigmatic nature of alcoholism.
Don't take too much on yourself right now.
I know the questions are many and the answers few, but I assure you that in time more things will be revealed to you.
I know sometimes the sense of worthlessness and hopelessness can make us feel like disappearing forever off the face of the earth
but take heart in knowing that many who once suffered are now finding a better way to live.
Remember the first thing to focus on is not picking up that first drink.If you can resist the urge to take that first drink for even an hour at a time pretty soon you will find that will get a little easier.
Stay close and keep writing.
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: A van...down by the river!
Posts: 108
Hey Kayenta,
I too am 24 years old. I didn't have alcoholic parents, but many of my other family member did (on both sides). My uncle and grandfather even died from it. So, you would think I would've known better too, huh? Wrong - alcoholism doesn't care about that. Before I became sober, I remember feeling a lot like you do now - hopeless, alone, and scared. Mainly I was scared because I didn't know where to begin, where to start, to get rid of this terrible trap I had fallen into. Sadly, I can't say that I didn't get into morning drinking, because toward the end of it, I did. I would drink as early as 5 A.M. Go back to sleep for a while, and then drink the rest of the day until I got sleepy, fall asleep around 8 or 9, waking up at 5 only to start the cycle again. I don't remember how I got there - it just seemed to slip up on me one day at a time. And once it did, I was SO scared, because I didn't know how to stop myself. I felt like an out of control maniac!
I know it seems like you have a mountain in front of you right now. That's how I felt. But, faith really can move mountains, in my experience. Please have faith in yourself. And I know you're wondering why, after all you've seen, you would allow yourself to drink. But, don't worry about that right now. I mean, I don't think any of us really can know what caused us to take up drinking the way we did. The main thing is focusing on stopping. Because drinking is dangerous, not only to our physical health, but our mental health as well. Realizing that you do have a problem that's not going to be corrected over night will help you. I don't know if you are a religous person, but praying helped me a great deal when I didn't know where to go. I don't attend AA, but I did go into counseling, and I learned to deal with a lot of deep feelings that I had been hiding through my use of alcohol, and I found a great deal of strength in my own self that I didn't know I had. Do you think your husband would go with you to get help for this problem? Have you talked to him about it? If he doesn't want to stop drinking, then maybe he would at least attend an AA meeting or some type of counseling with you, so you wouldn't feel so scared about going.
Maybe you could start off with doing some reading to find out about things. Books that helped me were "Under The Influence", and "Coping With Codpendancy". The Big Book is good, as well. This website contains a lot of encouragement and good information. Stay with us, and look around. There will be a lot of support here, because we're all working towards the same goal. Staying sober.
Remember Kayenta, no matter how hard it seems right now, you CAN stop the cycle of drinking. But, only YOU can do it. So, you'll have to decide what it's worth, and then put your best foot forward towards staying sober. You can do it! Yeah, it'll be very hard, but it's all worth it in the end. Believe me - I didn't think I could even stop drinking for a day, and here I am working on 5 months now. My best wishes to you, and keep posting.
Take care
PG
I too am 24 years old. I didn't have alcoholic parents, but many of my other family member did (on both sides). My uncle and grandfather even died from it. So, you would think I would've known better too, huh? Wrong - alcoholism doesn't care about that. Before I became sober, I remember feeling a lot like you do now - hopeless, alone, and scared. Mainly I was scared because I didn't know where to begin, where to start, to get rid of this terrible trap I had fallen into. Sadly, I can't say that I didn't get into morning drinking, because toward the end of it, I did. I would drink as early as 5 A.M. Go back to sleep for a while, and then drink the rest of the day until I got sleepy, fall asleep around 8 or 9, waking up at 5 only to start the cycle again. I don't remember how I got there - it just seemed to slip up on me one day at a time. And once it did, I was SO scared, because I didn't know how to stop myself. I felt like an out of control maniac!
I know it seems like you have a mountain in front of you right now. That's how I felt. But, faith really can move mountains, in my experience. Please have faith in yourself. And I know you're wondering why, after all you've seen, you would allow yourself to drink. But, don't worry about that right now. I mean, I don't think any of us really can know what caused us to take up drinking the way we did. The main thing is focusing on stopping. Because drinking is dangerous, not only to our physical health, but our mental health as well. Realizing that you do have a problem that's not going to be corrected over night will help you. I don't know if you are a religous person, but praying helped me a great deal when I didn't know where to go. I don't attend AA, but I did go into counseling, and I learned to deal with a lot of deep feelings that I had been hiding through my use of alcohol, and I found a great deal of strength in my own self that I didn't know I had. Do you think your husband would go with you to get help for this problem? Have you talked to him about it? If he doesn't want to stop drinking, then maybe he would at least attend an AA meeting or some type of counseling with you, so you wouldn't feel so scared about going.
Maybe you could start off with doing some reading to find out about things. Books that helped me were "Under The Influence", and "Coping With Codpendancy". The Big Book is good, as well. This website contains a lot of encouragement and good information. Stay with us, and look around. There will be a lot of support here, because we're all working towards the same goal. Staying sober.
Remember Kayenta, no matter how hard it seems right now, you CAN stop the cycle of drinking. But, only YOU can do it. So, you'll have to decide what it's worth, and then put your best foot forward towards staying sober. You can do it! Yeah, it'll be very hard, but it's all worth it in the end. Believe me - I didn't think I could even stop drinking for a day, and here I am working on 5 months now. My best wishes to you, and keep posting.
Take care
PG
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi Kayenta,
You seem to know you have a problem and you see the progression of the disease. Now, it's up to you to decide if you want to stop drinking. There is no trick to 'one day at a time' - it's just that.
One thing you say is how you feel like you're wasting time. I felt exactly that - days, weeks, months would go by and I had accomplished nothing, moved in no direction. I hated it.
It is a cycle, but you're not helpless. You need to change habits and patterns. If 12 noon is a trigger for you - decide to go for a walk or some get some exercise. Do something else. Go to bed at a different time, don't go home from work/school by the same route, have a relaxing bubble bath in the evening. You need to get out of the routine you are in.
I hope some of the advice you have gotten from people helps you.
Love, Anna
You seem to know you have a problem and you see the progression of the disease. Now, it's up to you to decide if you want to stop drinking. There is no trick to 'one day at a time' - it's just that.
One thing you say is how you feel like you're wasting time. I felt exactly that - days, weeks, months would go by and I had accomplished nothing, moved in no direction. I hated it.
It is a cycle, but you're not helpless. You need to change habits and patterns. If 12 noon is a trigger for you - decide to go for a walk or some get some exercise. Do something else. Go to bed at a different time, don't go home from work/school by the same route, have a relaxing bubble bath in the evening. You need to get out of the routine you are in.
I hope some of the advice you have gotten from people helps you.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
CarolD said it best:
"Bad childhood...Good childhood Rich or Poor Young or Old
makes no difference. Alcoholism is a disease....untreated it is progressive and incurable and fatal. No exceptions.
I suggest you get the facts on the disease then decide if you are interested in quitting.
I do hope you find your answers...AA gave me my solution."
Kayenta, sorry to be so blunt, but you either admit you have a problem or not. No one here, nor anyone else can admit you are an alcoholic -- that can only come from you. Alcoholism, like so many other diseases, does not discriminate who it affects.
I am with Carol, AA is working in my life, and I am sober today because of it.
Please keep us posted... God Bless you...
Ken
"Bad childhood...Good childhood Rich or Poor Young or Old
makes no difference. Alcoholism is a disease....untreated it is progressive and incurable and fatal. No exceptions.
I suggest you get the facts on the disease then decide if you are interested in quitting.
I do hope you find your answers...AA gave me my solution."
Kayenta, sorry to be so blunt, but you either admit you have a problem or not. No one here, nor anyone else can admit you are an alcoholic -- that can only come from you. Alcoholism, like so many other diseases, does not discriminate who it affects.
I am with Carol, AA is working in my life, and I am sober today because of it.
Please keep us posted... God Bless you...
Ken
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hi Kayenta,
I am happy you have found this place, and hope that you will find AA. What sounds like a terrible sentence in life can turn into a great gift. I will say that when I am drinking, I cannot imagine life sober, but the opposite is also true. What drove me back to sobriety (8 days) was the 4 AM anxiety attacks, and the feeling like s**t the rest of the time-at least until I had that first drink, and started the cycle all over again.
Do not blame yourself for your alcoholism; you cannot change your pre-disposition for that any more than you can change your age by wishing it to be different. Goodness I feel your pain, but there is light, and happiness to be had. Give AA a chance-after all you are only going to a meeting, and don't forget, everyone there will know what you are talking about and experiencing. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are not alone.
You are not alone!
Gianna
I am happy you have found this place, and hope that you will find AA. What sounds like a terrible sentence in life can turn into a great gift. I will say that when I am drinking, I cannot imagine life sober, but the opposite is also true. What drove me back to sobriety (8 days) was the 4 AM anxiety attacks, and the feeling like s**t the rest of the time-at least until I had that first drink, and started the cycle all over again.
Do not blame yourself for your alcoholism; you cannot change your pre-disposition for that any more than you can change your age by wishing it to be different. Goodness I feel your pain, but there is light, and happiness to be had. Give AA a chance-after all you are only going to a meeting, and don't forget, everyone there will know what you are talking about and experiencing. It is a wonderful feeling to know you are not alone.
You are not alone!
Gianna
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 19
Welcome Kayenta,
I am an alcoholic and come from a "drinking family" and of course I too married a "drinker" thankfully since I have been sober my husband has not had anything to drink around me.
I was older maybe early 30s when i realized the pattern of my life and my family.
I was like you afraid to go to AA afraid to admit the problem.
I actually attended online AA meetings I can't remember the web sites, i found them on a search. It was live chat with a microphone etc.
I haven't attended any AA meetings and seem to be doing fine. I quit August 21, 2003.
I had the same type of experience you did like I would get drunk and the wake up in early AM couldn't sleep.Frequently I would have a terrible migraine, and then I would swear to "never drink again" If you study the physiologial stuff more it explains the sleep disturbance etc. I have also used the "I can't beat em I'll join'em mentality" We will look for any excuse to drink.
I am sure all of the previous posts are right about AA. I may still get to a meeting or I might go back to the online meetings.
I know people who go to AA all the time and are sober, I know people who used to go and don't anymore and are sober.
I don't think it is exactly the same for everyone.
Anyway, I finally decided I can't drink ,never, not no-how, not anyway.
Being able to post and read about others is so helpful.
I hope you will comeback every day.
Hugs,
cowboy
I am an alcoholic and come from a "drinking family" and of course I too married a "drinker" thankfully since I have been sober my husband has not had anything to drink around me.
I was older maybe early 30s when i realized the pattern of my life and my family.
I was like you afraid to go to AA afraid to admit the problem.
I actually attended online AA meetings I can't remember the web sites, i found them on a search. It was live chat with a microphone etc.
I haven't attended any AA meetings and seem to be doing fine. I quit August 21, 2003.
I had the same type of experience you did like I would get drunk and the wake up in early AM couldn't sleep.Frequently I would have a terrible migraine, and then I would swear to "never drink again" If you study the physiologial stuff more it explains the sleep disturbance etc. I have also used the "I can't beat em I'll join'em mentality" We will look for any excuse to drink.
I am sure all of the previous posts are right about AA. I may still get to a meeting or I might go back to the online meetings.
I know people who go to AA all the time and are sober, I know people who used to go and don't anymore and are sober.
I don't think it is exactly the same for everyone.
Anyway, I finally decided I can't drink ,never, not no-how, not anyway.
Being able to post and read about others is so helpful.
I hope you will comeback every day.
Hugs,
cowboy
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Kay and welcome!
I too feel your pain as an alcoholic. I am glad you found us here. Please know we are here to help in anyway possible. Your probably going through so much emotionally your having a hard time trying to figure out what course of action to take. There are several options, and you will decide what is best for you. If I may suggest just hanging out here a while with us, let us listen, let us comfort you. In time as you get through each day sober, things will become clearer, but you will have to decide to quit first. I KNOW this is not easy, I feared sobriety. But at 43 I finally did it, though my parents were social drinkers my grandparents were alcoholics, I am an alcoholic, my brothers are alcoholics ( they don't know it yet).
You don't have to do this alone. I think once you get comfortable in your own skin you are an alcoholic, you'll maybe consider AA, it really works if you work it and right now that's probably not an option for you. I felt the same way. But after 20 plus years of drinking AA has worked for me. Just my 2 cents. *hugs to you my friend*
I too feel your pain as an alcoholic. I am glad you found us here. Please know we are here to help in anyway possible. Your probably going through so much emotionally your having a hard time trying to figure out what course of action to take. There are several options, and you will decide what is best for you. If I may suggest just hanging out here a while with us, let us listen, let us comfort you. In time as you get through each day sober, things will become clearer, but you will have to decide to quit first. I KNOW this is not easy, I feared sobriety. But at 43 I finally did it, though my parents were social drinkers my grandparents were alcoholics, I am an alcoholic, my brothers are alcoholics ( they don't know it yet).
You don't have to do this alone. I think once you get comfortable in your own skin you are an alcoholic, you'll maybe consider AA, it really works if you work it and right now that's probably not an option for you. I felt the same way. But after 20 plus years of drinking AA has worked for me. Just my 2 cents. *hugs to you my friend*
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: VA
Posts: 30
Kayenta -
I have been where you are and it is so hard to get started. However, that you are in fact aware of your situation is a good first step.
Do you drink because you are unhappy?
I can't tell you what is the right course. Each must find that path for themselves. I am doing that right now myself.
We are here for you. Keep posting okay?
Take care.
- Tanis
I have been where you are and it is so hard to get started. However, that you are in fact aware of your situation is a good first step.
Do you drink because you are unhappy?
I can't tell you what is the right course. Each must find that path for themselves. I am doing that right now myself.
We are here for you. Keep posting okay?
Take care.
- Tanis
Paused
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Japan
Posts: 7
Kayenta,
Hi. This is my first ever post here. I too had a childhood surrounded by booze. My parents don't drink much but they own bars and that's pretty much were I grew up. As a child I thought those people who spent all of their money and time to sit and drink all day were just ridiculous. I would never be one of them, I thought In highschool and college I drank on some weekends (usually binge) and I knew a problem was just lurking around the corner. I just didn't have the time or money to help it along then.
I moved to Japan 5 years ago and started drinking more and more. In the past 3 years its gotten WAY out of control. I always drink if I'm awake. However, I hide a lot of it from my wife, co-workers, etc. I'm like Meg Ryan in the movie "when a man loves a women." I've got a good job and am what they call (I think) a functional alcoholic.
It's sickening and yes depressing to feel so trapped and lonely. Well, my wife has gotten sick of finding my bottles hidden all over so she confronted me yesterday and told me to quit or she'll leave. No if and or buts. Woa! I dearly love my wife so quitting is my only option. I'm on my 30th sober hour now. Boy it was a tough day. Woke up and threw up, shook all day, fealt hot flashes but I must say I'm already starting to feel better and more optimistic.
I always thought my quitting would finally come after a major tragedy like crashing my car and hurting/killing someone, losing my job, etc. Well I've come to my "tragedy"
You don't want something bad to happen to you to get you to stop. I wish you soo much luck in finding the strength to get better.
God bless,
Lane
Hi. This is my first ever post here. I too had a childhood surrounded by booze. My parents don't drink much but they own bars and that's pretty much were I grew up. As a child I thought those people who spent all of their money and time to sit and drink all day were just ridiculous. I would never be one of them, I thought In highschool and college I drank on some weekends (usually binge) and I knew a problem was just lurking around the corner. I just didn't have the time or money to help it along then.
I moved to Japan 5 years ago and started drinking more and more. In the past 3 years its gotten WAY out of control. I always drink if I'm awake. However, I hide a lot of it from my wife, co-workers, etc. I'm like Meg Ryan in the movie "when a man loves a women." I've got a good job and am what they call (I think) a functional alcoholic.
It's sickening and yes depressing to feel so trapped and lonely. Well, my wife has gotten sick of finding my bottles hidden all over so she confronted me yesterday and told me to quit or she'll leave. No if and or buts. Woa! I dearly love my wife so quitting is my only option. I'm on my 30th sober hour now. Boy it was a tough day. Woke up and threw up, shook all day, fealt hot flashes but I must say I'm already starting to feel better and more optimistic.
I always thought my quitting would finally come after a major tragedy like crashing my car and hurting/killing someone, losing my job, etc. Well I've come to my "tragedy"
You don't want something bad to happen to you to get you to stop. I wish you soo much luck in finding the strength to get better.
God bless,
Lane
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
The most important thing I can say to you is: Don't beat yourself up about it!! Okay so you drank. So you had a child hood with alcohol which sucks. The most important thing is you recognize it. You are on your way. Some people are still in denial many years into drinking. So the desperation is there for you. Time to take back your life. Goto a meeting. If you don't want anyone to know at first goto an outside of your area meeting and just listen to the speakers see if you identify. If not goto another and by the fifth one see if you can relate. I heard my story from others hundreds of times. Knowing is a big step now you can do something but as most people will say it is almost impossible to do it alone. Also is there something that happend that turned you to alcohol. Stress your relationship with your loved ones. Although you may not know it yet there may be something there. jut hang in there knowing is part of the process.
P.S. Just remember tomarrow may never come so all you have is today and today you don't have to drink as for tommarrow deal with that when and if it comes. It makes it so much easier to deal with alcoholism
P.S. Just remember tomarrow may never come so all you have is today and today you don't have to drink as for tommarrow deal with that when and if it comes. It makes it so much easier to deal with alcoholism
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 763
Hi Lane,
And welcome here. A BIG welcome!!! I have gotten so much help, and friendship, and support-it is truly a Godsend. Today I am on my 17th day and it has been not nearly so difficult as I thought it would be. I have no illusions, however that I must be vigilant. Years ago I had someone leave me without explanation, and it was a very painful experience. He could not bear to confront me about my alcoholism so he just left. Your wife is very courageous and she obviously loves you to give you this chance. You can do this!!
There is much ahead of you to discover about this disease, and whereas you could in past years only get this information from a physician or from the wisdom of AA, now we all have this wonderful resource as well. I, for one, can be more honest and forthcoming here than I could ever be in AA meetings and it has been what I needed.
I know you are feeling rocky now, and we all know the "hair of the dog" cure, but if you can get through today, tomorrow will be easier. You may feel washed out, but you will not be so sick. I am praying for you, and will check back. Let us know how you are doing,
Gianna
And welcome here. A BIG welcome!!! I have gotten so much help, and friendship, and support-it is truly a Godsend. Today I am on my 17th day and it has been not nearly so difficult as I thought it would be. I have no illusions, however that I must be vigilant. Years ago I had someone leave me without explanation, and it was a very painful experience. He could not bear to confront me about my alcoholism so he just left. Your wife is very courageous and she obviously loves you to give you this chance. You can do this!!
There is much ahead of you to discover about this disease, and whereas you could in past years only get this information from a physician or from the wisdom of AA, now we all have this wonderful resource as well. I, for one, can be more honest and forthcoming here than I could ever be in AA meetings and it has been what I needed.
I know you are feeling rocky now, and we all know the "hair of the dog" cure, but if you can get through today, tomorrow will be easier. You may feel washed out, but you will not be so sick. I am praying for you, and will check back. Let us know how you are doing,
Gianna
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome Lane
Glad you found us...more importantly...glad you are seeking sobriety.
De tox tips...
Drink a lot of water..hard candy helps the shakes..aspirin for aches...eat a soft diet...cut out caffine. It takes 3/4 days for your body to rid itself of alcohol. Sleeping is usally difficult...rest will suffice for awhile.
Good luck...
De tox tips...
Drink a lot of water..hard candy helps the shakes..aspirin for aches...eat a soft diet...cut out caffine. It takes 3/4 days for your body to rid itself of alcohol. Sleeping is usally difficult...rest will suffice for awhile.
Good luck...
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